


Clavicle (formally titled All things Bucky)

by Totheendsoftheearth



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Death, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Love, Lust, Murder, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Pregnancy, Sexual Slavery, Suicide, Unplanned Pregnancy, Violence, pregnancy loss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2018-07-13
Packaged: 2018-07-13 02:36:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 68
Words: 168,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7135142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Totheendsoftheearth/pseuds/Totheendsoftheearth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reader is a new recruit with a dark past that leaves her physically and mentally carrying reminders. Taken at the age of 16 her life became one of violence and pain.<br/>Bucky the dark and distant fellow avenger also taken against his will, free will robbed.<br/>Both had been in the control of others. Team mates who were strangers to each other until a drunken balcony brought them together. What happens when two broken people meet? What happens when Steve keeps finding himself pulled into the drama.</p><p>Warning mentions of dark themes such as extreme abuse. If there is any triggers just consider them as possibly in this story. It's not a cute fluff piece. </p><p>You will get to pick from several different ending options. Read one or all of them you decide!</p><p>This was supposed to be one shots. my one shot went crazy and turned into a story that has gone on and on and on and on and on. So I have changed this from 'all things Bucky' and will create a new one for just one shots.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Clavical

**Author's Note:**

> " i wanna wake up naked next to you, kissing the curve in your clavicle. kissing your clavicle."  
> Alkaline trio -clavicle
> 
> Both of you are forced to go to a corporate party held by Tony. To avoid small talk you sit with Bucky. When he accidentally hurts your feelings Steve tells him to tell sorry. Suddenly everything changes.

You stepped out of the elevator to the main room where the event was held. Nat helped you pick out your dress. What she didn't know was that the heels she had picked out underneath were replaced with military boots.No way could you walk in them never mind be comfortable. Your long black strapless dress hid them well. It was skin tight emphasising your tall, slender but toned frame. Your hair was pinned up showing off your elegant long neck. You hated it. 

"Now or never." you thought to yourself clutching your matching black purse as you scanned the room.

The avengers were dotted about the room talking to politicians and other people Tony had said "it's important to schmooze with. Look pretty, giggle, smile and enjoy the free drinks."

The idea of discussing where to holiday this year or the economy with balding rich men old enough to be your father really didn't seem appealing. So you made your way to the bar. A bit of drink might loosen you up a bit.

Sat right at the end was James Bucky Barnes. Someone just as anti social as you were feeling. He looked smart in a black suit and bow tie. You laughed at yourself noticing he had shaved but his hair was still framing his face. He did scrub up rather well though.  You walked up to him and sat on the stool next to him.

"I'm liking the the baby face Barnes. Takes years off you old man." 

He glared at you in response to the back handed compliment. 

"Oh look at that you are a lady after all. Who would of thought underneath that gym sweat and running gear this butterly would emerge. Steve suggested a hair cut. I don't see why it's needed. This was a compromise."

You ordered a TRIPLE vodka and lemonade from the bar eager to feel the buzz as soon as possible.

"Have you spoken to anyone here yet Barnes? I don't know 99% of the people in the room. Don't think I want to either. Tony seems in his element." 

"No."

"Wow with such conversation skills I'm surprised you aren't life and soul of this party." You smirked at him hoping he realised you were winding him up.

"Is that sarcasm Y/N? How very funny of you. Pat on the back for that one." He glared back at you. 

You knew he wasn't really angry or annoyed. He was just being Bucky. Mr serious as always. He only slightly showed a bit of personality around Steve. He was a cold dead fish to the rest of you.

Your drink arrived. You thanked the bartender and drank it back in one, asking for another before he had a chance to serve someone else. When you looked up for  your drink Bucky was watching you with a curious look. You couldn't tell if he was impressed or disgusted with you.

"Don't judge me Barnes. If old men are going to try to touch my ass while breathing old man whisky breath in my ears I need to be hammered for this."

"I won't let them." He looked you dead in the eye. It was lost on you if he was joking or deadly serious. To hard to tell so you knocked back the next drink. 

You sat in silence next 5/10 minutes as you knocked back a few more. They were strong, especially in such a short amount of time. You could feel the warm spreading through your body. Your limbs felt heavy but your head light. 

"You know what Barnes? Since I've been sat here with you notice not a single old perv has looked my way. Remind me next party of this. Sit in the corner with the darkest brooding person with your back to everyone and no one will notice you." 

He glared at you yet again."Not like you have given me much choice or say in the matter. No one is forcing you to sit here."

The alcohol was hitting you for sure now and completely effected your usual sense of humour barriers you put up. You weren't sure what was just talk now or if he wanted you to go away. You didn't even think to make a smart remark back. You took your drink and stood up.

"Ok I'll go talk to someone else then. Sorry." You didn't even look at him in the eyes just stared at your feet concentrating on how you were going to walk straight. The drink masking your ability to mask facial expression. You suddenly looked hurt and sad. And very, very vulnerable.

You started to walk off, still with that sad expression. Bucky watched you as you walked to the corner. He watched you lean against the wall. He watched as you looked down at your drink stirring it in-between sips. As if by avoiding eye contact no one would come talk to you. 

Before he had anymore time to think Steve walked up to him looking concerned. 

"It's bad enough you ignore everyone in the room Bucky, which I get by the way, but did you upset Y/N? I've not seen her look like that before. What were you guys talking about? Did you say something?"

"She was mostly talking at me while trying to get as drunk as possible. I didn't say much. Then she walked off. That's it."

"That's it? Look you must of said something to Y/N. Go say sorry."

"I don't know what I'm apologising for."

"It doesn't matter Bucky just do it. Plus when I go in a second that blonde reporter over there is going to try and corner you. She's even more drunk than Y/N and seems to have a thing for you. Go look busy and say sorry."

Bucky picked up his drink and walked over to where you were at the side of the room. He felt very aware of Captain America watching him, making sure he didn't screw up.

You looked up as he approached to see who was coming. He was suddenly hit deep in his stomach with a negative feeling. He wasn't sure what it was. Guilt for hurting your feelings? Empathy for you? Either way he didn't like the sadness looking up at him from those beautiful eyes of yours. Bucky didn't like the idea he might of contributed to that. 

You drank up the rest of your drink, so you had to get another as an excuse to leave when you saw who was coming over. You didn't want to chat anymore you wanted to be left alone.

"Hey Y/N. I'm sorry if I said something. I'm not exactly great at this small talk business."

"That's ok Bucky I was just leaving. Need a bit of fresh air."

"ok. Let's go avoid old perverts on the balcony outside."

You made your way through the crowd to the doors leading out to a large balcony. Bucky followed you watching how despite being drunk you smoothly and elegantly made your way through the crowd. You didn't bump into a single person as you weaved your way through. It reminded him of a beautiful dancer. Elegant, gracefully, controlled. He hadn't really thought about it but he realised you fought the same way you moved now. You would dodge and duck an enemy as if you were a fast ballerina on stage. 

You looked back at Bucky making sure he was still following you. Bucky how ever wasn't such an expert at moving gracefully and kept apologising for bumping into people with his broad shoulders. You smiled as you made eye contact with him.

It suddenly hit him. Bucky had never seen anything so beautiful in all these years. The way your red lipstick emphasised your full lips. How kissable your pale slender neck looked. How your clavicle stood out in such a way he had never even realised clavicle's could be so appealing. An image jumped into his brain out of nowhere. Of him kissing down your neck, kissing down to your clavicle. Your fingers running through his hair as he undid the zip on your dress revealing the rest of your smooth, pale delicate flesh. He pictured goose bumps on your breasts as the cold air hit you. The moans that would escape your lips as he kissed clavical down to belly button.

He had lost himself for a second and snapped back to reality when you opened the door for him. "Thanks." He mumbled to you.

Surprisingly no one else was outside leaving you and Bucky alone. It was so silent in comparison to the din of the party. You sat on a chair that looked out at the view. Bucky pulled out a chair next to you. You didn't know what to say. You sat in silence looking at the twinkling lights that lit up the distance. It was beautiful. A small breeze wafted the smell of flowers to you. Around you were lanterns nestled between the plant pots. It was beautiful and felt so surreal. You could feel eyes on you. While you admired the setting, Bucky was admiring you. He studied the way your eyes shone reflecting all the dim twinkling lights. You looked so much more at ease now away from the horde of strangers. You looked mesmerised by the stunning moment. So peaceful and calm. The word "serenity" popped into his mind. That was what you were right now. Serene in comparison to the chaos that was inside. The chaos that was inside of him and his darkened heart. He let it wash over him. It felt like an eternity when it must of been meer seconds.

For the first time since you met him, Bucky felt like he was seeing the real you. 

Your gaze flickered from the view to the man sat beside you. Bucky was looking at you with a slight smile on his face. You had never seen him smile before. Not like this. It was a genuine warm smile. He was smiling with his mouth, his piercing eyes and his heart.


	2. Clavical part two (demons away)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After you have gone to the balcony with Bucky you both get to know each other and open up.
> 
>  
> 
> "I know you're alone  
> In the dark, all alone  
> Underneath the covers  
> Hiding from the demons  
> That came for your soul.
> 
> They might be over in the closet  
> They might be underneath your bed  
> They might be just outside your window, baby  
> Or maybe just inside your head.
> 
> But if you let me stay over  
> I'll try to keep you safe  
> I've got an army of skeletons  
> To chase your demons away."
> 
> Matt skiba -demons away
> 
> Trigger warning brief mentions of death and abuse but not detailed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading the rambles of my mind :)

Your gaze flickered from the view to the man sat beside you. Bucky was looking at you with a slight smile on his face. You had never seen him smile before. Not like this. It was a genuine warm smile. He was smiling with his mouth, his piercing eyes and his heart.

You didn't know if it was the drink, the setting or the company but you felt the most relaxed you had in a long time. You let your body relax into the chair as if you were melting into it. 

You turned to Bucky "I'm surprised there aren't more people out here. It's so peaceful and calm."

"Well Y/N they weren't necking triple vodkas like there's no tomorrow like you. It's actually a bit chilly out here."

You giggled "guess I've reached that stage of drunk I'm super human and feel no cold. But then again you are super human you don't need drink." 

You hiccuped then giggled as you put a hand to your mouth. "Oops!" 

You looked at Bucky realising how silly you seemed in the company of some one stone cold sober. You felt your cheeks blush slightly which did not go unnoticed by Bucky. He saw the colour spread with your hand to your face. He felt an overwhelming urge to leap from his chair, pull your hand away and kiss you. It took him by surprise the surge of desire form seemingly no where.

"The view is worth braving the cold for though. I've always liked the night sky." You continued.

"It use to be better before so many lights. You could see the stars better with less light pollution. I guess that's just how the modern world is now." He immediately regretted saying this suddenly feeling old.

You looked at  him in surprise. How long had you been acquaintances now? Admittedly not good friends but that was most he had ever opened up in front of you.

"Thing is I like them both. I love seeing the stars clear in the sky in the country. Then I love seeing the city landscape as well. There is a certain beauty in them both. They make me feel small and insignificant but also like I'm part of this huge busy world and universe. So many people out there, so many stars and planets.i wonder who they are where they are going. What is in the distant reaches of space we are not able to explore."

"I guess I use to think same as you. Time as taken away my sense of wander it seems." Bucky admitted.

"For a long time you weren't yourself though Buck. I guess you have to rediscover yourself. I think that's what life is all about. Discovery of who you are. That can change depending on what paths we choose to take."

Bucky grimly replied "or chosen for us."

"I'm sorry Buck. We can talk about something else I didn't mean for this to get so deep. We all have our demons. Some more than others."

"And what demons would you have Y/N? I've got an army of skeletons that could chase your demons away."

"One day Bucky I will tell you it all. For now just know my path to the avengers wasn't an easy one. My family were murdered. I was used. I was abused. I grew strong. I escaped in a violent mannor. There is blood on my hands. I was alone for a long time. Not sure I will ever be fully free of my demons. I've come along way from who I use to be. You can either fight or die. I chose to fight both mentally and physically or I would have lost my mind. They never broke me but I'm still haunted. Especially at night. Like they are under my bed ready to jump out. Tapping on my window. But I won't let them in again. I can't let them in again not if I'm going to survive here as an avenger." You let out a breath you didn't know you had been holding. It suddenly felt very sobering getting that out.

"I had no idea Y/N. You probably know more of my story than I know of yours then. I know some of that darkness you feel. Also how alone you can feel in that darkness. It can consume you if you let. I'm not that person anymore. The person they made me. The winter soldier."

You reached out and held his hand. In your alcohol clouded brain it hadn't even registered until after that it was his metal one you grabbed. 

"You had it worse than me Bucky, but if you decide to talk I might be able to relate. One step at a time. You can't force healing. It's got to happen in its own time or the cracks will just reappear and the darkness will be there waiting to pull you under once again."

As you spoke Bucky looked at your hands and arms. For the first time he noticed the silver scars shining in the light. His mind connected the dots. They were rope marks from being tied up. What horrors had you endured? He hoped your captors had met an end they deserved and he didn't blame you one bit if it had been by your hands. 

He didn't say anything and neither did you. You just sat hand in hand watching the view. Enjoying the peace that could be broken at any moment from any party guest making their way out. Time felt like it had stopped. There was nothing else left. Just you, Bucky and the lights of the city. Your heart felt at peace for the first time in so long. The anxious thoughts and the paranoia calmed to a distant chatter no longer fighting control of your constiousness.

Slowly your brain and body felt heavier. In a process you weren't even aware of you were dropping off to sleep. Bucky wondered if he should wake you. That was until the blonde reporter started tapping at the glass waving at him. He gave a polite smile but tried to make it look like he was with you. He wanted her far away from him. Plus you looked so peaceful. Who was he to disturb you when you deserved peace after opening up like that. You had bared a bit of your soul to him tonight. Maybe it was the drink talking or maybe you had wanted him to know you "got it". You could possibly "get" him. He watched the sleeping angel before him. Standing protector and guardian in his mind for the evening. That's all he could do right now and you didn't have to be aware. In his mind he was keeping you safe in any small way he could. Trying to keep the demons away.

 


	3. Clavical part three (Sunday morning coming down)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve can't believe Bucky and his lack of care/common sense leaving you drunk in the cold on that balcony. Bucky is so awkward about it all when did Steve become the charming gentleman and Bucky the quiet stand offish one? Bucky literally has no idea how to act in these situations but with Steve's guidance does the right thing and watches over you.  
> Cue an awkward Sunday morning hang over.
> 
> "Well, I woke up Sunday morning  
> With no way to hold my head that didn't hurt"
> 
> Johnny Cash - Sunday Morning Coming Down
> 
> "Went out drinking late last night,  
> I had a blast.  
> But now the morning light has come  
> and kicked my ass.
> 
> I've got the worst hangover ever  
> I'm crawling to the bathroom again  
> It hurts so bad that I'm never gonna drink again"
> 
> The offspring - worst hang over ever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like my Bucky silent and brooding. Let's face it his mind was completely ripped apart. He's been used. He's been out of normal social situations for 70 years. He's going to be dealing with a hell of a load of mental issues like PTSD, depression I'm sure. Would he be able to deal with feelings like a normal person? Would he even experience things like lust and crushes like we would? I doubt he could process and show emotions normally.
> 
> So while I love reading fluff/love/smut with Bucky. I just can't in my own fantasy's picture him so talkative and foreward about things, especially of a romantic or sexual nature.

*ting ting ting* The sound of tapping glass brought the crowd to a hush. The music stopped allowing the speaker to be heard.

"Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for coming here today. I'd like to give a speech if I could have quiet please." Tony Starks voice boomed through out the room. He was his element as host of tonight's party. He had charisma and stood out from the crowd. His outfit made sure of it. While most of the male guests wore traditional black suits and bow tie, Tony was wearing an eye catching white one of a kind suit. Others would of looked as if trying to hard but it suited Stark perfectly.

Steve Rodgers looked to where you and Bucky were last seen, he wondered what Bucky had said to you. His eyes scanned the room when you weren't there and fell on the scene outside on the balcony. Steve walked to the glass windows and doors to tell you guys about the speech. As he approached the door he took in the scene before him. Both you and Bucky taking in the view.

Your body looked little and fragile as you were curled up in a chair. Next to you was Bucky sat upright and straight, the contrast between the two of you made Bucky look even more rigid and awkward. His large frame completely filled the chair make you look even more petite and vulnerable. Steve then noticed your hand outstretched on top of Bucky's hand. On top of Bucky's metal hand. It flashed into Steve's mind of what the scene reminded him of. Bucky looked like a stone gollum. Or a protective knight standing guard, watching over the sleeping beauty/snow white fairytale princess.

Steve opened the door slowly as not to bardge in and intrude on the conversation or moment.

"Hey guys if you want to come Tony I'd giving a speech." 

Bucky replied with a "shh." And a finger placed to his mouth. "Y/N is asleep."

Steve looked down a you dressed in a strapless thin party dress. Your skin looked pale with blue veins running through it. He was sure if you weren't wearing red lipstick they would be pale or blue tinged as well.

"Jesus Bucky. How long as Y/N been like that? She must be freezing out here. Didn't you think to bring her in. How much as she had to drink?" Steve's tone of voice gave away his shock and disbelief at Bucky. 

"How much as she had to drink?!"

"I don't know. Alot." Bucky's voice was his usual monotone emotional less state, oblivious to Steve's annoyance or why he would be angry.

"How much is alot? Especially dangerous if she's drunk Buck! Let's take her up stairs.

Bucky pulled his hand out from yours very suddenly. Steve winced as your arm flopped down the side of the chair, just hanging there.

"Right, pick her up then Bucky."

Bucky did as he was told. He got up and stood in front of you. Bending down he placed a strong hand on each hip and lifted you up over his shoulder.

"Bucky she is not a sack of potatoes. Give her here."

Bucky placed you in Steve's waiting arms then opened the door to allow Steve to carry you in. You didn't even stir.

Cautious not to draw attention to the scene Steve walked the edge of the room to the elevator. Luckily all eyes were on Tony still giving his speech.

Once at the elevator Steve managed to awkwardly press a button by balancing you on a raised knee to free up a hand. He looked behind him to find Bucky had not followed him.

"Bucky. You're helping." Steve shouted out to him.

"I thought Captain America had it under control." Bucky said as he walked over.

Steve just couldn't believe what he was seeing. When did Bucky become so useless. Old Bucky would of been dancing with different women all evening lapping up the attention. The Bucky before him now was just silent and brooding.

The elevator ride up was made in silence which was only broken but the ding to tell you that you had arrived at your intended floor.

Steve stepped out with Bucky following him.

"Y/N hasn't even stirred once from all of this. She must be completely out of it. I don't think she should be left alone. Do you remember that soldier you once knew that got so drunk he choked on his own vomit in his sleep? One of us will watch over her tonight. I'll put her in your bed."

"Why my bed? Why not the sofa.....

 

 

.....or your room."

 

Steve was getting annoyed now. "Because Bucky you are a gentlemen and that is what a gentleman does. He gives up his bed up for a lady."

As Steve reached the door Bucky opened it to allow you both entry. Steve walked over and gentle placed you down on the bed.

"Help me take off her boots Bucky." They took a foot each unlacing and removing your boots then putting them on the floor.

"What about Y/Ns dress? Should we take that off for her to sleep?" Bucky asked as a genuine question.

Steve looked shocked "Christ Bucky. We don't take drunk young women to your bed then getting them naked. Not unless you want to get labelled a pervert."

Steve covered you up with a blanket making sure your face was clear of the pillow and blankets.

"Right. She's all yours now Buck. Keep an eye on her and shout if you need me." He patted Bucky's shoulder as he left.

"Steve."

"Yes Buck?"

"Where do I sleep? Surely not in the bed with her?"

"On the couch Buck, the couch." He pointed to the couch at the foot of the bed and let out a sigh.

"Night guys."

Steve walked out the room shutting the door behind him.

It was just a passed out you and an awkward sober Bucky again. Bucky stared at you frowing. How did this happen. His plan had been to go to the party, show his face then leave by 10.00. If someone had told him it would end in you sleeping in his bed he would not of believed them.

You looked so still and peaceful. He couldn't remember when he'd last watched a women sleep. One he wasn't about to murder anyway. You looked small in the double bed. He walked over to you still just watching as your chest rose and fall. Bucky didn't know if he should sleep himself or not. What if you choked like Steve said. He brushed some hair that was covering your face out of the way. Bucky wasn't even sure why he did it. He could feel something but couldn't place a finger on what. He felt awkward but his hand felt tingly where it had brushed against you. Like it was wanting more. He wanted to run his fingers over your face again. He wanted with his finger to trace down your nose, across your lips. See your pupils dilate in desire as you gently kissed his finger tip. He wanted to replace his finger with his lips so you would be kissing them instead. He wanted to feel your body pressed against him as he kissed you again and again. The passion of the kiss building. As the fantasy unplayed in his brain he felt the tingling and longing hit his chest deep inside him. The same emotions hit him hard. For the first time in 70 years Bucky had wanted something. Bucky wanted you. For the first time in 70 years Bucky felt lust.

Bucky tore his eyes away from your sleeping form. He walked to the sofa taking off his shoes, trousers, jacket and shirt until he was just in boxer shorts. He laid down on the sofa pulling a blanket over himself. Bucky had one hand under his head as he stared up at the ceiling. His mind was racing. Had he forgotten to do something for you? Would you be okay tonight? Why more than anything did he want to get up and crawl under the blanket on the bed beside you?

Secretly Bucky was glad it had been his room Steve had suggested. Bucky replayed in his mind Steve carrying you in his arms. You nestled into his chest. Just Steve touching you in general. He felt anger bubble up. Bucky felt jealous of Steve and the intimacy of it. He definitely didn't want to see Steve touch you like that again. He felt like a little boy that didn't want to share his toys. But you weren't a toy and you weren't Bucky's. Before this night he hadn't given anyone here much of second glance. In one evening you had made him experience more unwelcome feelings than he had been prepared for. You would probably tell him it was part of the healing process or something like that. It was just the range of emotions at once, and to feel them deeply. Was he prepared for this? Would he ever be? He fell asleep with mental images flickering about his brain of unlikely encounters with you. You saying his name in ecstasy. You arching your back in pleasure. You moaning underneath him. The sights and sound of you. Just everything became about you in that relaxed dazed state before sleep took him over.

You woke up in the morning. You didn't know that time it was but your body clock said it was early. You stretched out in the bed and groaned. You hadn't even sat up but the room was spinning out as you laid in the bed. You felt sick and had a bad taste in your mouth. 

Water!  You needed water but could you even make it to the tap? You slowly sat yourself up, laughing in your mind you were still dressed. Crap. This wasn't your bed. Whos bloody bed was this?! Panic swept over you mingled with the hangover. You swung your legs over the edge grabbed your boots and slowly made your way to the door.

Halfway to the door you heard a noise from behind you. Stopping you looked around. There he was, asleep on the sofa, practically naked. You had no memory of how you wound up spending the night here. Shocking enough on its own if there wasnt one thing that made you rush out the door despite feeling like you were going to pass out. Before you was the sight of the winter soldiers morning wood evident through his boxer shorts. Go to a party, wake up in Bucky's room with his semi erect penis glaring at you.

You opened the door then shut it as quietly as possible. You tiptoed you way to the shared kitchen. Your hair was all over the place, red lipstick smeared shoes in hand.

"Well who do have here then." Tony Stark appeared before you.

In front of you stood most of the avengers team. And they just saw you sneak out of his room. "Oh sweet Jesus! It's not what it looks. Seriously." 

"Sure. If you say so." Nat smirked at you. "Steve took you up and you left Bucky's room. You know that's some girls ultimate fantasy. And some guys."

The guys continued to poke fun of you while you grabbed some water.

"I'm never drinking again guys. Dear Lord my head. Worst Sunday hang over ever. I'm going to try sleep it off in my room. Continue talking amongst yourselves, but nothing happened!". With that you stumbled back to your room. You took your dress off and climbed into bed. The cool pillow felt nice on your clamy skin. 

*A couple hours later*

Bucky got up from the sofa where he had been watching television and answered the door to Steve.

"Hey is Y/N here? How is she?" Steve quizzed.

"She left before I got up."

"Ohhhkkayy. And have you thought to check she's alright?"

"No."

Steve sighed and leant against the door frame. "This what you are to do Bucky. You are going to grab a glass of water, go to Y/Ns room, knock on the door and offer to make her coffee and breakfast."

"Why don't you?"Bucky frowned.

"Because Bucky it was your hand she fell asleep holding, your bed she slept in so now you are going to be the decent guy I know is in there and offer help this morning!"

"Ok I'll grab Y/N some water if it will shut you up."

He poured you a nice huge glass of water then walked to your door. He hesitated before knocking not really sure what to say. He listened waiting for you to open up or say to come on in. He heard a muffled "Come in" so turned the handle and walked.

You turned round and screamed.

"Bucky !!!! I said DON'T come in!!!"

You were sat on the floor curled up in a ball in just your underwear. Tears streamed your face, smearing your mascara.

"I bought you a drink, and you left your purse." Bucky's voice was completely flat despite what he walked in on. 

"I don't care Bucky just shut the fucking door. Get out!! Or stay in but just shut the fucking door!!"

Bucky was confused which was it? Did you want him gone? Or did you want him to stay. You were obviously distraught and he hoped he hadn't been a factor in the reasons why. Bucky shut the door behind him. He placed the water beside you unsure what to do next. 

"What would Steve do?" Bucky asked himself.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm fuming as I wrote half of this then lost it ergh. Rewrite!


	4. Clavical part four (memories)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "feelings don't die easily because we keep feeding them with memories"
> 
> "You can't change what has already happened. So don't waste your time thinking about it. Move on. Let go and get over it."
> 
> No lyrics this time....just random quotes I found on Pinterest
> 
> Bucky walks in on you crying your eyes out. It breaks his heart to hear why. After an emotional outpour from you, you guys share the most tender experience.
> 
> Trigger warning - touches on past sexual abuse, rape, murder and the physical internal damage as a result. Nothing majorly graphic is depicted.

You were sat on the floor curled up in a ball in just your underwear. Tears streamed your face, smearing your mascara.

"I bought you a drink, and you left your purse." Bucky's voice was completely flat despite what he walked in on.

"I don't care Bucky just shut the fucking door. Get out!! Or stay in but just shut the fucking door!!"

Bucky was confused which was it? Did you want him gone? Or did you want him to stay. You were obviously distraught and he hoped he hadn't been a factor in the reasons why. Bucky shut the door behind him. He placed the water beside you unsure what to do next.

"What would Steve do?" Bucky asked himself.

It struck him that you were just in your underwear and you may feel cold in little clothing, also you might not wish a gentlemen caller to see you that way. Near to where you were sat was a blanket tossed on the bed. He picked up the soft fleece material and gingerly placed it over your shoulders. 

"Thank you." you said without even looking up at Bucky. You pulled it around you suddenly feeling exposed and aware of your lack of clothing. Your started to flush red knowing Bucky had seen you like this. You remained on the floor knees curled up into your chest feeling Bucky's presence stood behind you. You weren't really sure what to do or say. You had been crying your heart out in private and hadn't expected company. Bucky may of been a super soldier but at times he could also be super awkward. Other guys would of either left you to it or offered you comfort. Not Bucky. He just stood there watching you not sure of the correct step to take. You liked that he hadn't been forward. It made you feel safe like you weren't going to be pressured into anything. You are wary of men but Buckys social and emotional distance he put between people actually made you feel more connected in a strange way. A comfortable silence between you. You told yourself to stop being silly. You can't imagine a connection where there is not one. Bucky was well Bucky. He wasn't giving you distance out of respect it's because he's as mentally messed up as you are. Difference being you can hide it better and fake normal, what ever normal is. It felt like an eternity when in reality it must of been seconds.

Bucky broke the silence first "I, um, was wondering if you want a coffee? I'll go make you one"

"no!" You said a little to eagerly for your liking. "Stay. You don't have to go."

Bucky didn't really know what was expected of him. If he went was it an insult to you? If he stayed was he crossing a line? He didn't admit it to himself but if there was a line, he wanted to cross it. If it meant getting a step closer to you he would throw himself over the line. He moved and sat down on the floor next to you. He left a gap between the two of you.

"Why are you crying?" He asked you bluntly.

"Okat sorry Bucky I'm not use to this 'sharing' crap when sober. Just something the guys all said earlier."

"What did they say? Your friends with them all why would they look to hurt you?" Bucky frowned in confusion.

"Oh no it's not like that they didn't mean it. They just said some things that I guess are triggers for me. Like a switch went off in me." You reassured Bucky no one intentionally hurt you.

"Oh, was it Tony? I know he likes to crack jokes."

"No it was just...all of them. Together as a group joking and laughing. About um, us."

"Us?"

"Yeah um, they saw me leaving your room and joked about me 'spending the night' if you get my drift.'

"I can go out there Y/N and set the record straight if you would like?"

"Oh no Bucky thank you they know nothing happened, they were just innocently joking around. Stuff they don't know."

"What don't they know?" Bucky enquired oblivious to how rude it was to enquire when you weren't offering up the information.

"My um sexual past isn't something I discuss. You see I can't stand being the focus of sexual comments or jokes. It sets off a reaction in me. Brings up memories. Bad memories I wish I could forget." You reluctantly admitted.

"Bad memories I get. There's a lot I don't remember but what I do comes to me in bits and pieces a jumble. Sometimes I don't know what's real and what isn't. You can't change what has already happened. So don't waste your time thinking about it. Move on. Let go and get over it to focus in new things."

You laughed. "oh Bucky I wish it was that simple."

You turned to face Bucky and looked at him straight in the eye. A deadly serious expression matched your tone when you continued speaking.

"Bucky. I'm not sure if it's worse or not. But I remember everything. EVERYTHING. What those bastards did to me will forever be ingrained and etched into my mind and my body. I wish I could forget and move on. Feelings don't die easily because we keep feeding them with memories. As long as I have vivid memories I can reply in my head over and over, it will be a constant reminder. I try to be strong. I think I have been stronger than alot of people would of been. All because I was determined for them to never break me in and make me a plyable piece of meat. That's all I was to them. MEAT." Fresh tears started to stream down your face. 

You were shocked at yourself for opening up like this. You played your cards close to your chest normally. Plastered a smile on your face and kicked ass as an avenger. If you acted strong people would think you were strong.  You felt yourself wanting to admit to Bucky further what happened. A tug at your heart threatening to pour out every horrid little detail. The words were on your tip of your tongue. Your mouth full of unsaid secrets. Bucky just sat there looking at you. He was unreadable. His silence and lack of judgement made it even easier for you to nearly spill your guts.

There were none of the usual "aww that's awful Y/N" or the "omg you are sooo strong" that followed fake hugs and fake empathy. The fact was it made people uncomfortable. Bucky didn't seem uncomfortable to hear this. He wasn't trying to change the conversation or try to give you fake reassurance that it would all be okay. After all you are not a prisoner anymore why would you continue to suffer. They could not begin to comprehend your experiences and the toll they take on a soul. 

"You are stronger than you know Y/N.  The fact you are here still alive and breathing shows that. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise that my memory is twisted. The past is something we live with and will always live with." Bucky finally said filling the silence that followed your out pour. He wanted to know more about what happened to you. He guessed elements of it but didn't know specifics. He wanted to experience it. As if it would somehow share the pain and the burden of the memories. He realistically knew he couldn't take it away but at that moment every fiber of his being wanted to fight for you. Wanted to fight your pain. Fight the monsters who had done this. Fighting after all was all Bucky knew how to do. What he been conditioned to do.

Bucky tenderly brushed some hair from your face and tucked it behind your ear. Unintentionally breaking a physical barrier that had been between the two of you despite the emotional barrier slowly crumbling.

"What did those bastards do to you. Turning a bright angel into a China doll ready to smash into a million shards. I would pick up those pieces and put them back if you would let me. I don't want you to suffer anymore." He spoke in a quiet tone in Russian.

You didn't admit to him you spoke Russian and mostly understood what he said. In response you placed your head on his shoulder. You felt the warmth that came from him feeling inviting and safe. You felt Bucky tense up at first then slowly relax as you started almost melting into him. Soon your whole body, not just your head, was resting against him.

Bucky was happy to feel the weight of your body press against his side. As if it was a physical manifestation of his desire to emotionally support you. He brought an arm up around you pulling you tighter into him. Your head fell from his shoulder to his chest as you surrendered yourself entirely to the unexpected embrace. Bucky was working on instinct unsure of why he did it. It just felt right to him to pull you closer. He was glad when you didn't pull away. Bucky didn't want to cross any lines that would make you pull away from him. 

Yet again tears fell at the tenderness being shown to you. Here Bucky was, mostly a stranger nothing more than a work colleague. Yet you bared more of yourself to him than you had anyone else. Especially meaningful who it was. Steve you would expect this from but from aloof Bucky to be there for you made it even more special.

You took a deep breath ready to share more with him. You hoped you were doing the right thing by opening your mouth. You were so use to keeping it closed.

"Okay here goes. I'll tell you the rest of it but no fake pity for me after. The real reason I hate the sexual jokes. The guys who had me, they um, did things to me. Sexual things. Vile disgusting things. I fought to hard so they started to sedate me when they found the struggle no longer part of the fun. I never screamed. I never once gave them the satisfaction of hearing a sound come from me. They kept me locked up on drugs. Really there wasn't much need for the ropes I was so out of it. I um, I have had sex. More sex than I could ever count. I have been entered and violated in many ways."

You took another deep breath them continued. Bucky didn't interrupt he just held you and let you unload.

"Did you know I might not be able to have children? They just aren't sure but it looks like even if I could, they wouldn't risk a natrual delivery. To much scar tissue apparently. So um yeah I've had sex, but I'm a virgin. I know how can that be you say? I've never had willing sex. I have never had sex I've consented to. I've been fucked. But I have never made love to someone. I've been robbed of that tender first time." 

Bucky's mind wanted to scream "let me be that first time. Let me show you what love is. Let me in Y/N."

Instead he answered in a typical Bucky way. "What happened to those bastards?"

You smiled while buried into his chest at the memory. 

"I tied them up. I hurt them. I drugged them. Then watched them burn and listened to the screams. Let them know how it feels to be unable to fight back while being consumed. To be robbed of control. You know, I heard them cry out for mercy and help, they never once heard me do the same. Not once."

"I'm glad they got what they deserved Y/n. Those creatures can not be considered men. They were beasts nothing more. They were not worthy of knowing your body. They took by force what they knew would never be theirs otherwise. Thank you for telling me this, you didn't have to, I appreciate how...intimate such a confession is."

You looked up at Bucky. His gaze was staring straight a head. You could see anger in his eyes. You were sure that if you hadn't already taken care of them Bucky would be making it a one man mission to track them down, and cause them a world of pain. 

You pulled away from his chest to look him in the eyes.

"Thank you for listening. I've not told a soul this before. Officially what happened to them is a mystery only I know their true fate, and now you."

You closed your eyes admitting it was now a dark secret you both shared. You felt Bucky put his forehead against yours. A hand went to the back of your head as he stroked the back of your head. 

You both sat there in silence, forehead to forehead, sharing the intimacy that had passed between you as he kept the comforting rhythmic stroking of your hair. You were sat as one sharing the same air and occupying the same space it felt. More intimate than any sexual experience could ever be without so much as a kiss being exchanged. Neither of you made a move to break the moment. You both just bathed in the warmth that filled both your hearts.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mean while in the kitchen.

Steve sat at the breakfast bar drinking his second coffee since he had sent Bucky in to you. He was done reading the newspaper front to back.

Natasha walked in and opened the fridge. "Are they still in there?"

"Yeah. Bucky hasn't come out yet. I hope he's not done anything wrong or said anything wrong." Steve replied.

"Don't worry Y/N would of thrown him out by now if he'd put a foot out of line. She can handle herself." Nat laughed. "Why? Worried what he will do without you to guide him? He's a grown man Steve not a child."

"I know I know, I guess I feel responsible for him. He's still not fully himself. He's not the old Buck who was great in social situations. Plus Y/N is still fairly new here. How is she adjusting?" Steve questioned hoping to gain insight.

"Don't ask me. Just because we both have vaginas doesn't mean we talk. I think Wanda hangs out with her more than I do. Have you read Y/Ns file?"

"Yeah that made uncomfortable reading." Steve said grimly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo this was meant to be a one shot ha-ha now four chapters later. Not sure should I continue this or just let it be? I had no long term story planned out its just come to me in bits.
> 
> I didn't mean for this to get so deep. I'm feeling myself getting lost in the experience of the reader as I write this.
> 
> I really hope people like it I don't get any feedback really to know lol  
> Also I've not fully read it through sorry for typos.


	5. Clavical part 5 (reader and Bucky's day of fun)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So no one told you life was gonna be this way  
> Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A.  
> It's like you're always stuck in second gear  
> When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, but
> 
> I'll be there for you  
> (When the rain starts to pour)  
> I'll be there for you  
> (Like I've been there before)  
> I'll be there for you  
> ('Cause you're there for me too)"
> 
> "I'll Be There For You (Theme From Friends)"
> 
> Bucky and readers day of fun! Yes that's a friend's reference. Bucky decides you need some fun in your life so takes you out for the day. Bucky has an admirer it seems as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sofa = couch  
> not sure if I have to explain that one or not to readers who aren't British. Thought I'd throw that out there to be safe.

  You felt Bucky put his forehead against yours. A hand went to the back of your head as he stroked your hair.

You both sat there in silence, forehead to forehead, sharing the intimacy that had passed between you as he kept the comforting rhythmic stroking of your. You were sat as one sharing the same air and occupying the same space it felt like.

More intimate than any sexual experience could ever be without so much as a kiss being exchanged. Neither of you made a move to break the moment. You both just bathed in the warmth that filled both your hearts.

You had no idea how long it was until you pulled away from the moment. 

"Bucky, thank you. I really need to go to sleep now I think. I need to sleep my hang over off then stuff myself with junk food and coffee when I wake up." She said before yawning. you covered your mouth quickly paranoid about morning breath.

Still keeping the blanket tight around you to avoid Bucky seeing your flesh you stood up then sat in the bed.

Bucky stayed on the floor. "Umm Y/N. Do I go now?" He asked cautiously.

"Yeah you can go now Buck. Wasted enough time on lil ole me." You smiled at him giving him permission to leave.

"Ok when you wake I'll get you that coffee"  Bucky walked to the door. Just before opening it he continued "oh an Y/N. It wasn't a waste of time."

"You will never be a waste of my time" Bucky added in his head silently, not daring to spill the words.

 He took a final look at you before he existed. You looked rough. Yet stunning. The tousled hair and sleepy eyes lined with smudged make up made you appear vulnerable yet seductive. If he had known of the term "sex hair" would of popped in his mind. You looked perfect. The blanket while covering you mostly slung low enough on your shoulder to reveal your shoulders, neck and upper chest, and there was those clavicle's on display. Why oh why did Bucky have to see them? As he shut the door leaving you alone images rushed into his brain. The scenario played out in his mind of walking back in to the room. Tearing the blanket off you while gently laying you down then kissing you all over. Planting slow kisses over your neck, chest and clavicals. Running an index finger over them feeling the bone beneath the skin. He wanted to feel it for real not just dream it. He wanted you.

He had to distract himself the longing was quickly taking root inside him. It scared him how deep those roots were planting themselves and what other emotions they were going to grow with them deep inside of him. The 'level headed focused on the mission given to him' Bucky was being thrown into a new world where emotions suddenly came into play.

He made his way to the living room hoping to waste some time until you woke up. He realised he suddenly felt aimless. He wanted to slap himself to snap out of this funk he was getting himself into. Today was no different than any other day yet it felt changed. He was changed. Bucky didn't want to go the gym or go for a run like his usual routine. He made a pit stop in the kitchen to grab some plums before heading to the the living area where a communal tv was located. 

Wanda was sprawled across one of the large sofas when Bucky sat down by her feet.

"You can change it if you wish Bucky. I'm just watching Friends reruns." Wanda smiled at him.

Bucky didn't know what friends was, nor did he particularly care. He just wanted to switch his brain off.

"Watch what you want, I don't mind." He replied not even making eye contact with her.

They sat in silence watching the show. Wanda every so often looked at him trying to catch his eye but it wasn't working. He ate his plums and Wanda found it oddly erotic. She was starting to get quite annoyed at the lack of attention he was paying to her, as if she wasn't even there. Wanda shifted her legs about intentionally causing her short skirt to ride up further exposing her thigh. Nothing. She decided to stretch her arms causing her T-shirt to expose some of her stomach. He just wasn't looking.

She eventually broke the silence trying to suss out the events of the previous night. "So Bucky, did you enjoy the party? I looked for you to see if you wanted to dance and you were not there." 

"Yeah I was with Y/N." Bucky replied.

"Hmm yes I saw. Then saw her leave yours this morning." She probed further.

"I made sure she didn't vomit in the night, choke on it, then die." He bluntly informed her.

She smiled relived to hear it wasn't a romantic over night sleep over. Wanda was frustrated that her effort wasn't paying off so far so she sat up right, closing the distance between her and Bucky. At that moment Tony walked in.

"Oh Bucky. Look at you reeling them in. First Y/N now Wanda. I am not seeing the appeal." he jested.

Wanda giggled at the insinuation and placed a hand on Bucky's shoulder "oh Bucky what are people going to think."

Bucky was getting stressed now at all this chatter. He wanted to watch TV in peace. He also did not appreciate any digs or prying where you were concerned. He stood up and looked from Wanda to Tony making direct intense eye contact with each in turn.

"Nothing happened with Y/N and I'd appreciate it if you respected her and ceased such idol gossip. Show some decency she had consumed alot of alcohol and Steve suggested I take care of her." With that he stormed out to continue watching in his room.

As he left he heard Stark remark "what's got his panties in a twist?"

"Not me, unfortunately." Wanda replied with that stupid giggle of hers. Bucky clenched his fist in anger at her. She was nothing more than a silly little girl to him. 

Bucky found his mood lightened after a bit of escapism in this Friends tv show. It was an episode where someone didn't like the others girlfriend so she organised a "day of fun ". He didn't get why this Joey guy had to like her what was the point? It then struck him, getting to know each other and lightening the mood. THAT was the point, and that is EXACTLY what you deserved. A day of fun. Bucky wasn't exactly known as Mr Fun round here he didn't have a clue what you liked either. Steve might know or have some insight. Bucky felt butterflies flitting about his chest and stomach. A nervous flutter.

"What the hell was this?" He thought.  Bucky was experiencing nerves and excitement rolled into one at the idea of this being an amazing day, or a waste of his time and yours. He didn't want to let you down.

He knocked on Steve's door. Steve answered with a book in his hand. Steve always had liked books and he had years of catching up to do so was often buried in one.

"Hey Buck come in." Steve greeted him warmly. "What's up? Did you get Y/N her breakfast and coffee?"

"Er um not yet. Y/N went back to sleep. I will when she wakes up. I have something I need to run by you. What is Y/N into?." Bucky enquired. He looked to Steve eagerly awaiting a response.

"You know Bucky, I don't have a damn clue. She's not been here all that long. We once watched (your fave film here) as she couldn't believe I had never heard of it. Why do ask?" 

Bucky explained his "day of fun" and his lack on inspiration. 

"Sounds like a fun date idea. I have an idea. Why not let her pick? Tell her she gets complete 100% control of the itinerary. That way she gets to do what she enjoys and you get points for being thoughtful." Steve suggested.

"Great idea I'll go see if she's awake yet." Bucky replied eagerly on his way out the door.

He paused. "Steve, is that what this is, a date?"

"It sure sounds like one Buck." Steve replied with a smile.

Great. His first date in how many years and you didn't even know about it yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I think I have two more chapters after this planned bit still no clue where this is heading?


	6. Clavical part six (I will miss you the second you leave - day of fun part two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "even if I spent the whole day with you, I will miss you the second you leave"  
> Random pintrest quote

 When you awoke it felt like a cloud of peace had settled over you. If someone asked you to describe it that would be the best way. Like a thin layer of calmness had settled down on top of you, wrapping itself around the curves of your body surrounding you putting you at ease. Frankly you were not use to feeling like this! Opening up to Bucky and the time spent with him had been therapeutic.

You lifted your head off the pillow to find your head felt better much to your relief. No spinning room, no headache and no vomit taste threatening to rise up in your mouth. Cheerfully you walked on tip toes to your en suite bathroom. Turning on the tap you stepped into the warm water as steam filled the room. Tony sure liked luxory this standard of living was foreign and indulgent. Letting the warm  water cascade over you head, down your back and drip on to the large shower floor with your eyes shut. It felt so nice to wash the grime of a hangover off. You savoured the peaceful moment never wanting to leave this comforting shower. Your brain started to replay the memories from last night on the balcony and this morning in your room with Bucky. The way he looked at you with those serious eyes. The way his tongue flicked out over his lips drawing your eyes to them. Remembering the heat he emitted from his body. A smile broke out across your face, you couldn't stop it even if you tried. Out of your selection of body products you used your most luxurious ones. The ones saved for special occasions or when you needed cheering up. Sometimes you liked to indulge your girly side. You always stepped out after feeling relaxed, confident and more content. The scent would linger on your skin for a few hours afterwards, bringing back that feeling. 

Once clean and dried off you stood naked in front of your small wardrobe. You didn't have a lot of possessions and the few you had, you had aquired in the short time you were here. What were you going to wear today? Part of you felt like slipper socks, slouchy comfortable bottoms with a soft tank top. Your lounge around watching films doing yoga clothes. There was an inner voice questioning the 'slob' look and what would Bucky think? You knew he'd seen you like it before but today it felt wrong. You pulled out your go to comfortable but still real clothes outfit that made you feel confident. You knew it was your most flattering outfit from your limited options. You then sat down at your dressing table. A few sprays of your signature perfume and quick daily make up and you were ready to face the world. You left your hair to air dry today out of laziness, running your hands just to neaten it slightly. You eyed your reflection suspiciously. You just saw every single flaw, real or imagined. Is this what others saw when they looked at you? You really hoped not. You had spent time being told you were nothing and no one. You had started to believe it yourself. Deep breath and you headed to the kitchen.

You almost collided with Bucky outside your door.

"Wow Buck carful!"

"Sorry Y/N. How about that coffee now?"

"Oh yes please would be lovely thank you." 

You followed Bucky to the kitchen area and pulled out a stool at the breakfast bar while you watched Bucky. No one else was about you were happy to see. 

He had his back to you when he asked you "What are you up to today Y/N?"

"Nothing why Buck?" You were a bit anxious and curious about where you were leading.

He turned round coffee in hand and big grin. "Good because it's Bucky and Y/Ns day of fun! You get to pick what we do the entire day my treat. Want you to have fun today."

You starting giggling, and you were not normally a giggler. Bucky's smile faded at your reaction.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not laughing at you just a bit....surprised," you apologized hoping you hadn't hurt his feelings.

"Good. Now where did you want to go first?" 

"Hmmm. I know! Pancakes! The biggest stack of pancakes covered in chocolate, cream, syrup and anything else full of sugar."

"Ok if that's what you want that's what you get. First stop pancakes."

"Bucky. Have you been watching Friends?"

There was a pause before he answered. ".......maybe."

Once you were both ready to leave you followed him out the door. You were glad he had his back to you so he couldn't see the excited smile on your face. Bucky was taking YOU out for the day. This was a lot after hardly a word passed between you previously to the drunken balcony the night before. You couldn't believe it was only last night it felt like much longer. You and Bucky were the reserved type. How did it get to you guys hanging out like it was a usual occurrence? 

 The ride there and your first outing was spent with not alot of words being exchanged. You were nervous and felt awkward. It reminded you how little you knew about each other. Unknown to you Bucky felt the same. He was starting to think it wasn't such a good idea.

"Ok Y/N where to next? Now you have eaten your body weight in pancakes? Please don't say more food." Bucky said patting his full stomach.

"Hey! You trying to tell me I'm fat!" 

Bucky's eyes went wide in horror in panic. "Oh no that's not what I meant. You aren't big at all. You are a good size. I just meant that um, we ate alot". He tried to back track.

Laughing at his reaction you placed a hand on his. "I'm joking Buck, relax."

He looked down at the hand placed on his. He felt tingles starting to form as he felt the warmth of your touch. It just felt so...right.  Bucky would of given anything to lean over and kiss you right now. He bet you tasted like pancakes now. Bucky wanted to kiss sweet chocolate kisses from your beautiful lips. He had watched you licking your lips repeatedly as you ate. It damn near killed him. All to quickly your touch was removed.

When you saw Bucky looking down you assumed it had made him uncomfortable. You retracted your hand hoping no lines had been crossed.

"Why does there have to be so many lines with us. For both of us. Equally as messed up. What a pair." You thought to yourself. "Or maybe he just sees you as a friend...."

 "I know a park we can go to that's walking distance of here. Sometimes have live music at the band stand. Or sometimes they have acts on like jugglers or magicians. If nothing's happening it's nice just to walk through still."  You suggested as your next event. 

 On the short walk to the park you tried to make eye contact with Bucky but he was looking straight a head. The voices of self doubt were starting to get louder. "He doesn't like you. Why would he like you. You are damaged goods after all and you stupidly told him, he just takes pity on you."

The sun was shining and the flowers were blooming at the park. It couldn't be a better day for a stroll. You felt the warmth on your skin lift your mood slight. The park was full of people of all walks of life. The happy smiling faces were infectious. As luck would have it a band was playing. It was a cover band of what looked like teenage boys playing popular songs. People were sat or stood around, some singing along. You and Bucky found a spot with a good view but not to close to people. A couple songs went by in silence.

Bucky leant closer to you.

"I have a confession to make...I don't know any of these songs Y/N." 

"Don't worry I don't expect you to sing along. Just enjoy the ambiance." You replied with a smile.

He stayed looking at you wanting to continue the conversation unsure what to say. "Do you want ice cream? There's a guy just over there."

"More food? I can't resist. Get me chocolate Buck."

He returned with two ice creams. Your fingers brushed as he passed it to you. The tingles made you almost shiver. The tension you felt was starting to get bad. You had no idea if it was one sided or not. It was almost pissing you off that you were getting actual electric tingles from this guy. You avoided men like the plague. You just didn't 'do' crushes.

Bucky watched your pink tongue lap daintily at the cold ice cream. He wasnt going to lie to himself, it had pure erotic connotations to his brain. The sun shone on your hair. The park buzzed with life. He felt alive. He felt alive with you. He didn't want this moment to end but the band were starting to pack away so he suggested next activity. A simple stroll through the park in the sun.

You walked close to each other but not to close. The conversation was slowly starting to flow at last making eveything slightly less awkward. You had agreeded to sit and watch some must see films he had missed with him. "Well he can't hate me if he's wanting to hang out again." You told yourself. 

You decided to be out with it. Enough dodging subjects. "Bucky, why do you want to do something nice for me today? Is it because you feel sorry for me after what I told you. If so we can just stop this right now an head back."

Bucky stopped walking and looked at you frowing. 

"Is that what you think? If I felt sorry for you I'd of stopped at coffee this morning. I wanted you to enjoy today. Enjoy yourself....and guess selfishly I wanted to spend time with you." Bucky loosely touched his fingers in yours. It was such a loose grip you could barely even call it a touch. He stared into your eyes seeing if you would pull away. To his surprise you gripped tighter until it was a full blown hand in hand action. This was a big step. You weren't drunk this time. You knew what you were doing. 

"Thank you Bucky I really am enjoying today, and enjoying getting to know you."

You guys continued walking hand in hand through the park. To the outside world you could of been any normal couple. You both could of passed as nearly normal functioning human beings.

The day continued with dinner at a sushi restaurant (a first for Bucky) followed by cocktails at a roof top bar. By the time alcohol had made its way into your system the conversation was well and truly flowing. 

"So you are telling me Steve really use to be that short?" You laughed as Bucky dished the dirt.

"Yes he was a tiny scrawny thing. But he had a heart of gold and still does." Buckys eyes lit up slightly when discussing his close friend.

"Do you ever think about things Bucky. Like if we hadn't had our destiny decided by others. If our lives had played out as they were supposed to. Who we would be and where we would be." You said with a serious time sipping your drink.

"No Y/N. It is what it is. It's dangerous to dwell on things out of our control. Doesn't mean I am not angry. I just try to not focus on it."

"I know you are right Buck. I just can't help but dwell. Dwelling is what I do best.," You laughed at your own misery.

"I don't think I should drink anymore Buck. Let's head back."

He liked the way the sound of 'Buck' sound on your lips. He pictured in his brain  you shouting Buck in ecstasy. You begging him for "harder Buck please harder". Why did these ideas keep entering his brain.

It was 10 pm by the time you guys reached headquarters again. The day had gone seemingly so fast. You giggled as you crashed into the living area with Bucky following you. Bucky steered you to your room saying perhaps bed would be better idea.  None of this went unnoticed be Wanda. You had been giggling annoyingly over the film she was trying to watch. She glared as Bucky followed you waiting to see if he was going to stay in your room or come back out.

 

You and Bucky stood outside your room facing each other. The eye contact was intense and full of unsaid words.

 You broke the gaze between the two of you, scared where it might lead.

"Good night Buck. I will see you in the morning. Thank you again for today, for everything." You felt your lips ache for a kiss they never received. A sense of longing you weren't sure you had really felt before. 

You studied his face before turning away. The way his eyes pierced into your soul. The way his lips looked ready to go any time you said the word. The stubble highlighted his strong jaw line.

You shut the bedroom door with a loud click. Kicking off your shoes you fell back onto the bed behind you. You were exhausted but happy. The happiest you had been in such a long time. You couldn't help but smile to yourself as you stared up at the ceiling. Damn it. How could you be missing him....you had only just said good night. Your brain was telling you shut up and go to sleep but your heart was pounding hard. Your heart was screaming "go to him."

Bucky went back to his room ignoring Wanda on his way. He was oblivious to anyone but you. It was only you now. He thought to himself it could only ever be you. You were perfection. Despite spending all day with you he was longing for more. How did he get so deep. He felt like a different person to the guy that entered the party just the night before. His rational brain was struggling with the emotions brought up in the last 24 hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I have four more chapters of this planned now I think, oops my one shot gone crazy! 
> 
> I hope it doesn't feel rushed. I wanted to write what they did without a huge chapter that rambled to much.


	7. Clavical part seven (you don't know half of the abuse)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "All my friends are heathens, take it slow  
> Wait for them to ask you who you know  
> Please don't make any sudden moves  
> You don't know the half of the abuse
> 
> Welcome to the room of people  
> Who have rooms of people that they loved one day  
> Docked away  
> Just because we check the guns at the door  
> Doesn't mean our brains will change from hand grenades  
> You'll never know the psychopath sitting next to you  
> You'll never know the murderer sitting next to you  
> You'll think, "How'd I get here, sitting next to you?"  
> But after all I've said, please don't forget"
> 
> 21 pilots - heathens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry Wanda is apparently a little jealous b***h It just seemed right after writing her failed flirtation.

Waking up the next day the light was streaming in the window. You stretched and rolled over enjoying the feeling of the soft bed, comfortable bed. After spending time on the streets you appreciated each and every day you woke up in a clean comfortable bed. Your hands skimmed over the cotton and plump pillows. You let out a sigh of contentment. You jumped when there was a knock at the door.

"Hellooo, Y/N? I noticed you are the only one not up yet. Don't forget we have that charity fun day. Tony wanted us all to attend." Wanda's accented voice came through the door.

Crap. You had forgotten. Looking at the alarm clock next to the bed you had half an hour to get up, ready and eat breakfast. Rolling out the bed you quickly got dressed into a pair black leggings and a white long line vest. A black sports bra peaked out from underneath. Comfortable to move around in but still looked nice in a cute gym outfit way. Brushing your hair into a bun kept it out of the way. You managed to do make up in 5 minutes flat. You knew cameras were going to be there so you tried to make a slight effort. Nothing colourful but aimed for a naturally flawless look.

You still had 20 minutes to enjoy your usual morning breakfast. Heading to the kitchen most of the avengers were stood around waiting to go. 

"Rise and shine sleepy head. Time to make some money for charity. Better be ready to put on your biggest smile and show off those pearly whites. Make them dig deep into their pockets when they see you looking cute. Leaving in 10." Tony said in an upbeat voice to you.

"Shut up and give me the coffee." You replied in an angry tone a smile letting him know you jest.

"Yes shame if you had slept in and missed out." Wanda said with a hint of sarcasm in her voice. It was so subtle you didn't know if you had just imagined it. 

"I hope I have given you enough time to get ready." Wanda eyed you up and down looking annoyed. She had spent alot longer getting ready trying to pull off the effortless sports luxe look. Yet you had nailed gym cute without even trying.  She turned back to her conversation with Steve and Bucky. Wanda's back was to you as if to close a triangle between the three of them. It was very much intentional. Giving the illusion that no one else was welcome to interrupt their little three some. She tapped Steve playfully and giggled "Stop it you." 

You tried to ignore it as you ate. Bucky was looking over her head every so often at you trying to make eye contact. When he finally caught your eye he smiled at you. A very subtle blink and you miss it smile but you caught it and smiled back. You felt warm and fuzzy knowing that while Wanda was trying to mark her territory, he was looking to you still. You really hoped that's what was happening anyway. 

Tony called out letting you all know cars were here to take everyone to the charity event. You all piled in to the matching black cars. Tony was to fly there as Iron Man. You heard someone shout "show off" to him. In your car was Clint, Nat and the driver. Slightly annoyed that Wanda had ensured Bucky and Steve were in the same car as her. You knew you had no ownership of Bucky and especially not Steve, but the intentional exclusion which had never happened before annoyed you. Wanda was the person you thought would turn into a friend out of everyone you had met here. You had guessed wrongly. 

As you arrived at the event you stepped out of the car. You tried to smile and wave to the crowd and the cameras. You knew how important this was but you wanted to run away and hide really. Through out the day you stood on the fringes only taking part when it was required.  The day seemed to drag. Steve and Tony were great in the public eye knowing out to work the crowds and play up to the cameras. After the day was over you could not be more relieved when the cars came to take you all back. The total amount of money raised was shocking. You felt slightly proud that you had taken part in even a small way. You had come so far from the girl drugged up and locked up, to surviving the streets and now smiling and waving as the nation cheered you on in a sack race while your face had been painted with flowers. You felt pride in yourself for the first time you could remember.

 Once back at the headquarters you stepped out of the car and made your way inside. Eager to go and hide after the social interaction of the day had left you feeling overwhelmed and burnt out, you were first to the lift. You pressed a button to call the lift and fidgited nervously with your hands. 

Out of no where you felt a hand on your shoulder. Before you had time to think your survival instincts kicked in. You turned round, grabbed your assailant by the neck and body slammed them into the floor. You were fast. Your face distorted to pure uncontrollable rage as an animalistic noise rose deep from your throat. You punched your target once in the face, hard. Hard enough to knock them out cold in one blow and probably break their nose. Blood spray splattered across your white tank top.

Before you had a chance to rain down anymore blows the rest of the team started to come round the corner. You heard someone shout "Y/N!" but it seemed distant and disconnected from reality. The sound of your heart pounding filled your ear drums. Natasha  ran full speed at you throwing her entire body weight and strength into pushing you off. You landed in a heap on the floor together. You quickly gained the upper hand rolling Nat over and you mounting her. She tried to wrestle you off when your hands found her throat and started constricting. While she had more training, you had a natural ability for this. You moved faster than the average human with strength and coordination to match.

 You felt arms pull you off from behind. Big strong hands held your arms behind your back. You struggled and growled trying to break free. 

Bucky stood in front of you holding your shoulders as Steve had your arms held back. Bucky was shouting at you. 

"Y/N! Y/N! Listen. Listen to me. You are safe. It's me, Buck. I got you." His voice grew in urgency until you slowly started to calm down. You stopped trying to break free. The grunts and growls turned to sobs as tears streamed your face. You started to come down from the adrenaline and gain control again. You blinked and looked around you. Nat stood leaning against a wall coughing and grabbing her red throat while Clint had a hand on her back reassuringly. There was a crowd gathered round a figure on the floor. You saw the bloodied face of Scott Lang unresponsive. You had done this. You later found out he had just come to congratulate you for beating him in a sprint race. Pure innocent intentions behind his action. 

You slumped foreward now completely snapped out of it landing in Bucky's arms. You were thankful it was him that caught you. 

"Oh god Buck. What happened? What did I do? Did I do this?" You sobbed harder.

"I'm not sure why you did it Y/N. Let's get out of here. Let's go upstairs and calm down while this gets sorted out." With one arm wrapped round your shoulder holding you close, Bucky guided you into the lift. He pressed a button shutting the door to the shocked crowd.

As the doors shut you heard Tony shout out. Anger in his voice. "We will talk about this later Y/N."

Bucky shot him a look that suggested "back off or else".

You just cried in silence for the elevator ride. Once you reached your floor Bucky continued to guide you to your room. He sat you down on the bed. Uneasily Bucky sat next to you. 

"Y/N. Listen to me. You are ok. It's ok. What happened?"

"I I I.......I don't know Bucky. It's like someone else was in control. I just....snapped. Someone touched me from behind. I didn't hear them or see them coming. My brain just exploded." You tried to explain when you didn't even have answers.

Bucky pulled you into a tight embrace. He knew what it was like to live life on edge. He had no idea how bad your head must be for you to snap that easily.

He started rocking you slowly as you cried. You found the rhythmic sensation soothing. You could feel yourself start to feel sleepy. Tears saturated Bucky's top but he didn't care. He planted a kiss on the top of your head as your body started to feel heavy. Before you knew it your eyes were shut and you were asleep with your head on Bucky's lap. Bucky looked down at your calmer face happy you had finally stopped crying. It had made him uncomfortable he didn't know how to console you. He wasn't going to lie, he was slightly impressed. There was more power behind you than he thought. Even without any weapons you were like a hand grenade ready to go off any moment. Leaving devastation behind you. How much didn't he know about you still?


	8. Clavical part 8 (this is what you came for)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Baby, this is what you came for  
> Lightning strikes every time she moves  
> And everybody's watching her  
> But she's looking at you, oh, oh  
> You, oh, oh, you, oh, oh  
> You, oh, oh, you, oh, oh  
> You, oh, oh, oh, oh
> 
> We go fast 'til they can't replay  
> Who knows why it's gotta be this way  
> We say nothing more than we need  
> I say "your place" when we leave"
> 
> Calvin Harris - This is what we came for

You woke up about an hour later. It wasn't a refreshed after a good sleep wake up, more of a groggy where am I feeling. You realised your head was still on Bucky's lap. You groaned inwardly as you remembered the events that led to you falling asleep on him. Sitting up slowly you rubbed at your eyes

"You stayed with me. You didn't have to." You said to Bucky.

"Didn't have to, wanted to though." Bucky replied in a monotone voice.

You put a hand on top of Bucky's which was resting on the bed. You looked at him in the eye. A serious expression took over your face. "Thanks Buck. I mean it. Thank you for being the only person who has bothered with me in years."

"You are no bother Y/N."

"Apparently I am. Getting drunk, falling asleep on you, beating up innocent people. I'm sorry for putting this on you. After all, you hardly know me. 3 days. It's been 3 days. The night of the party. Our day of fun. Then today. That's it. Yet I've dragged you into my mess. I'm so sorry Buck." 

3 days how could it have only been 3 days. 3 days since you came into his mind and reached the corners of his brain. Filled it with thoughts and feelings. It felt like much longer but between the balcony, sleeping on his bed, walking in on you crying/day of fun then today, yep it had only been three days. What started off as random lustful thoughts admiring your physical beauty had turned into some deep sense of care and longing for you. Like tendrils had entered his brain and taken root into his soul. The more he knew you the more he wanted you. And the more he wanted you the more he wanted to know who you truly were. Not the act you put on for the outside world. He wanted you traumatic past, current issues and all. 

As for you, getting this close to someone in three days was just insane. You with your sharp tongue to help keep people at bay. You the ice queen who tried to switch off emotions and stay detached as a means of self preservation. You just couldn't explain if someone asked you just how crazy the notion was of you and Bucky getting close, IN JUST THREE DAYS. Your walls had been built so high and strong you hadn't anticipated anyone being able to come close. Yet here Bucky was not just knocking at your door, but breaking it down. Demolishing it brick by brick revealing the terrified child inside. 

"You should go Buck." you continued talking. The realisation of how short a time period it had been scared you. Your inner demons were telling you to save yourself and withdraw. If this is how deeply you felt after three days, what would you feel for him in three weeks, or three months. Did he even feel the same way? You were still convincing yourself Bucky had done all of this just out of pity. 

"Ok. I'll see you later Y/N."  You watched him leave the room and leave you alone with your thoughts.

Part of you secretly wished he had insisted on staying. Without Steves guidance it hadn't crossed his mind.  He simply did what you instructed. The room suddenly felt so lonely. Bucky left a blank empty space. You felt your stomach rumble. You were hungry but didn't want to go out and face everyone. What would you say to them? "Sorry I blanked out and could of killed someone but what's everyone cooking."

You had a long shower and climbed under the crisp, clean sheets. You tried to sleep but your brain was on over drive. The events replaying in your mind and thoughts of Bucky swirled round and round. Picturing him just appearing at your door. Bucky throwing the door open and marching in to kiss you. Buckys strong arms around you as he held you close. His hands exploring your body....

You never really had sexual thoughts or much of a sex drive. You felt like you just had no interest or desire of that kind. Yeah you would look at a guy and say they were attractive, but that's as far as it went.  You just associated sex with pain. Your brain had flicked the switch on and now all you could think of was your desire for Bucky. Not necessarily to have sex but to be intimate in some mannor with him. To feel his touch and warmth. Eventually you fell asleep with an imaginary kiss lingering on your lips.

Next morning you awoke to someone knocking at your door. The clock next to you said it was 8am already.

"Sorry I was asleep who is it?" You called out secretly hoping it was Bucky. 

You were disappointed to hear Steve calling through the door.

"Fury and Stark are having a meeting at 9 and would like you to attend in main conference room. I'll be there as well though, don't worry."

"Ok thank you for letting me know Steve."

Panic set in causing a tight knot in your gut. Great you had truly fucked up. They were going to ask you to leave. No one wants a crazy avenger who can't keep her shit together. You aren't fit for a place here. No one likes you anyway so not like you have friends to back you up. Bucky just pity's you and wouldn't care you were gone. Where would you go? What would you do? Life as a failed superhero. You had no one. You would end up back on the streets, no you couldn't go back to that. Being a hired hand for gangs had kept you fed before but you had developed a conscience since. No one suspected the street girl to kick their ass.

You kept watching the clock waiting for the minutes to count down as you got ready. It seemed like every second was drawn out. Again you didn't want to face everyone so skipped breakfast.

Finally it hit 9 and you made your way to the room the meeting was being held. It meant walking through the kitchen. You kept your eyes fixed a head as not to make eye contact. No one talked to you they just watched you walk past. Out of corner of your eye you spotted Scott Lang with a bandage on his face.

You walked into the room and greeted Steve, Tony and Nick Fury.

"Sit down Y/N. Let's talk." Fury said in an authorative time.

On the table in front of him was a file with your name written across it. You gulped feeling nervous. He picked it up and started reading from it. You fidgited with your hands under the table.

"Says here you have been working on missions with the team for a few months now. No major incidents until now. You work fast and efficiently, able to take down men twice your size. Everyone who has worked with you has been impressed. Tell us what happened yesterday." Fury said.

"I'm not really sure. He came out of seemingly no where I wasn't expecting it. It's like my body reacted faster than my brain. It over rode my usual thought process." You tried to explain.

"And what if that had been a kid Y/N? What then? Our actions have consequences. What if that had happened out there in the field? Such recklessness could cost lives." Stark said.

You felt like a naughty child being told off by your teachers.

Stark continued talking. "Having said that we would like to offer you a place on the team permenantly. We think you have so much potential and are an asset."

"There is a condition though Y/N." It was Steve's turn to talk. "We think it would benefit you to attend counseling and therapy sessions. Avoid events like this again. We need to be able to work as a team."

"Yeah, if you think it would help and show you I'm serious of course." You nodded. Inside you knew this notion would be sending you into a panic come the time but decided not to even think about the reality just yet. Shut up and tell them what they want to hear.

 "There's more before you go agreeing to anything." Fury said. 

Out of a jacket pocket Tony pulled out an object and placed it on the table. It was dark metallic shaped like a bracelet. 

"What's this?" You asked.

"This Y/N. Is a state of the art monitoring device. It monitors the wearers heart rate. When elevated it will just beep at you. When it rises to levels like your body would of seen yesterday will send you a shock that will stun you. You will fall instantly unconscious and send a signal to us. We would like you to wear this at all times. It will be switched off for training and missions but you have to wear it for now." Tony explained as he looked you dead in the eye showing how serious he was.

Steve looked at you sympathetially. "For the record I'm not a fan of this Y/N and understand completely if you said no."

"Well I'm not going to lie and say I like being treated like a dog on a choke lead. I understand why though. I'm willing to wear it if it means staying." You smiled at them trying to show good faith and held out your arm.

Tony pulled the device open and snapped it around your wrist. He pressed a button which locked it shut and switched it on. A small little red light flashed every so often. It was tight against your wrist to measure your pulse however it wasn't cold like you were expecting.

Tony stood up and walked to the door. He paused and turned in the door way. "Y/N. Party to celebrate will be held in the communal area tonight. Pizza. Cocktails. 7pm. Bring your pretty self to make this official."

You smiled and replied "Thank you Tony. Really, thank you."

The rest of the day everyone was doing their separate things. Steve spread word of the party while Tony footed the bill. You didn't see much of anyone apart from when going to and from the gym and kitchen. Part of you wanted to bump into Bucky to tell him. You felt to awkward knocking at his door not wanting to bother him. After an intense few days you thought maybe give him space and hopefully see him tonight.

At 6 o'clock there was a knock at your door. 

"Get your dancing shoes and let me in Y/N. I'm going to help you get ready." Wanda shouted through the door.

You got up and opened the door to her. She was stood before you looking glamorous. Black high heels made her black pantyhose clad legs go on for miles. She had on a stunning emerald green, long sleeved body con dress that set of her hair beautifully which fell about shoulders. Subtle gold shimmer dusted her chest, cheekbones catching the light. In one hand was a bottle of wine.

"Pre drinks." She explained thrusting it on you.

"You look amazing Wanda!" You looked at her in awe.

Wanda grabbed your hand and pulled you to your cupboard. 

"Your fairy god mother here Y/N to work some magic. You are going to look great when I am done."

It took much persuasion but you ended up admitting defeat and wearing a simple black sleeveless dress. However the shape and style flattered your body shape perfectly. You refused to wear the heels Wanda had in her room opting for black lace up military boots. Wanda labeled it "grunge glam". What ever style it was, you liked it. You felt slightly self conscious in the dress but knew it looked good. Wanda styled your hair into a sexy, messy up do. She gave you winged black eyeliner and red lips. Wanda sprayed some perfume on your wrists and behind your ears. By the time this was all done you have both finished the bottle of wine.

You stood up laughing as you got a sudden head rush already affected by the drink.

"Come on Y/N. Let's go party." She grabbed your hand and pulled you out of your door gigglng. 

You both stumbled to the communal areas and crashed into the kitchen which was full of the entire team. Even some random agents and staff from shield had come along. You were surprised to see so many people. The music was booming loud, party already underway. There were party hats and streamers all over the place. The breakfast bar was full of different bottles of alcohol. Wanda placed a party hat on you then shoved a glass of vodka in your hand. 

You spotted Bucky in the corner and excitedly ran up to him.

"Hey Bucky. Guess you heard the news they don't entirely hate me now after all."

After a few minutes of chatting and explaing your new 'jewellery' Wanda pulled you on to what had become the dancefloor. You felt awkward at first but knocked back a couple more drinks. You found Wandas enthusiasm contagious and gave in. Surprisingly you were enjoying yourself. It was very rare you danced but you felt free today.

Being given a permanent place here gave you a sense of security and purpose. For the time being you could relax and not worry about how you were going to survive. You were apart of something GOOD. You had done bad things in the past and this was your way of making up for that. 

A song that you really liked came on just as Sam came in between you and Wanda. He was being flirty and pointing at you each time the lyrics said "everybody's watching her" which made you giggle. Thing is you didn't register it, but all the guys in the room were staring at you. Wanda looked stunning no doubt but you looked more effortless. She screamed out that she was trying yet you looked radiant and elegant. You didn't really dance but when you did like tonight, you moved gracefully. 

Bucky and Steve were stood in the corner chatting. Bucky hadn't really spoken to anyone. He only really came for you if he had been honest. Bucky looked his usual brooding self. In your drunken state it registered how damn good looking he was when stood brooding in the shadows watching. You had the urge to pull Bucky up to dance just to see what he would do. Also within your inebriated mind was an urge to pull Bucky away from the party. Find a dark corner of your own with him. You weren't even sure what you would do once alone you just wanted to be with him. This party being thrown for you yet your mind was on running your hand over his big strong arms, currently buldging as he crossed his arms against his chest. You looked over at him, making eye contact you let a small little smile out. A small facial movement that lasted a split second but Bucky saw and did a half smile back.

Steve turned to Bucky. "You know I'm glad Y/N is staying. I think it will be good for her. I hope she gets some help as well with her mental well being. Well you seem to have gotten closer than any of us Bucky. You probably know more than us. I just know what her file says."

"Yeah we have spoken. She's talked about her past a bit. Probably a lot I don't know. She seems tough though. A survivor." Bucky didn't give away anything about how much or little he knew. He also didn't give up his feelings or thoughts regarding you to Steve.

"You know Bucky. I'm not going to lie but I'm sort of surprised you took her out on a date, a whole day as well. Then you were the one to calm her after her um, incident. Just didn't really expect it from you, no offense."

"Oh?" Bucky raised an eyebrow at Steve.

"Yeah I just mean, you remind me alot of her. Generally keeping yourself to yourself. Guarded and reserved. Just not sure how that works the two of you. Have you made plans for a second date?" Steve was trying to probe Bucky. 

Bucky shook his head in response. How could he explain it. He felt like there was a connection yet none of the usual social rules were, there like you guys hadn't kissed or even really knew each other well. Yet in his heart Bucky was feeling more than if he had wined and dined you repeatedly by now. It was just different with you two wounded awkward souls. There was an indescribable pull since you took his hand on the balcony at Tonys party.

"Now for example Bucky, she looks stunning. You can't help but notice that. Every guy in the room has noticed that. Look at the way they are looking at her and Wanda. You know its not long and someone is going to make a move. Instead of making it clear you are interested, giving signals to back off to others, you are here just stood around with me. Just if you don't show interest in a more obvious way, another guy will. She keeps looking over at you Bucky. All eyes are on her yet she keeps looking at you. It's obvious she is interested. Someone has to make the first move." 

"And you think it should be me? I guess it's just complicated Steve. I mean I want to be there for her. Steve, I'm really falling for her and I can't believe I am admitting that. I don't want to hurt her or let her down. She's got a past Steve. A bad history that sticks around messing her up now. I can't change that past. I'd love to take away those negative thoughts."

"Well you can't change her past but you could make a move and see if her future involves you." Steve patted Bucky on the shoulder.

Bucky watched you twist and jump about. Despite being drunk your movements seemed controlled. He could watch you for hours. He felt like you were electric throwing bright sparks out across the room. Bucky pictured in his mind walking up to you on the dancefloor, pulling you into him and feel you move rhythmically against him. Your ass and pelvic area grinding against him in time to the music. 

On the dancefloor Wanda leaned into you and shouted over the music "bathroom break". You smiled and nodded but kept on dancing with who ever was around you. You weren't aware of Wands actions next.

Wanda's eyes were locked on to Bucky. She walked over with a slow controlled pace with one hand on her hip. She looked like she was on a mission and had aquired her target. Placing one hand on his strong shoulder and standing on tiptoes, Wanda completely ignored Steve as she whispered seductively into Buckys ear. Steve made out the words "your place". She took his hand and lead him away from the party much to Steve's confusion. 

 After a minute or two, time was a blur at this point you went after Wanda to use the toilet as well. You smiled and fanned yourself as you walked down a corridor. You stopped dead as you spotted a couple in the hall. You didn't say anything and they hadn't seen you so you hung back watching it unfold. There was Bucky and Wanda stood extremely close. Her pelvis thrusted so far foreward at him. She had both hands on his hips. You watched in complete horror as she lifted her head up and planted a kiss on his lips. You got a stab of shock and pain deep in your gut. You felt like you were going to be sick. Wide eyed you ran back the way you came Tears rolled down your face yet you weren't even aware of them. You couldn't believe what you had just seen. The monitor on your wrist started beeping and flashing faster as you half stumbled and half ran.

 


	9. Clavical part 9 (asphyxiate)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I cannot leave here, I cannot stay  
> Forever haunted, more than afraid  
> Asphyxiate on words I would say  
> I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue
> 
> There are no flowers, no, not this time  
> There will be no angels gracing the lines, just these stark words I find  
> I'd show a smile but I'm too weak  
> I'd share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me
> 
> I cannot stay here, I cannot leave  
> Just like all I loved, I'm make believe  
> Imagined heart, I disappear  
> Seems... no one will appear here and make me real"
> 
> AFI - This time imperfect 
> 
> A team member misread the signals between them and the reader at the party, after the scene you just walked in on recipe for disaster..

Your heart was pounding in your chest as you made your way in the opposite direction of Wanda and Bucky. As you half walked half ran, your fingers ran along the wall helping steady your lack of balance while drunk. You let out loud sobs as you went. The kind of sobs that screamed to anyone listening of heartbreak. How could this happen. Stupid stupid girl. You actually thought that maybe just maybe someone had good intentions? Of course he would like Wanda, who wouldn't. She could be emotionally stable and put out easily unlike you. What guy wouldn't want that. This is why you didn't get close to people. This is why you didn't let them in. You slightly let down your guard for the first time since your abuse took place and this was the result. Silly you thinking you could be cared for maybe even loved one day. Used and damaged goods to be tossed aside when done with, that's all you would ever be, a plaything. Its not like anything was officially happening between you and Bucky, technicaly he hadn't done anything wrong. You hardly knew the guy in the grand scheme of things. So why did you feel like your heart was going to explode in your chest? Like your lungs would burst from crying? Like your stomache had a knife stabbed and being twisted in it. You wanted to go hide in your room, avoid awkward explanations about your tearful state. You had an image you projected to the outside world. A strong and capable individual who didn't appreciate personal questions. 

Around the corner you practically collided with a very drunk Sam.

"Hey Y/N!  Where cha go? Come join the party again I came looking for you babe!" He smiled enthusiastically.

"Sam. Really don't feel like partying. You go, enjoy yourself on my behalf." You replied with a fake smile.

"Aw but Y/N you are the girl of the hour. We were having fun out there!" 

Sam took a step forward closing the gap between you. The device around your wrist started beeping faster the little light going crazy. Time slowed down yet you froze in panic. Sam reached up with one hand placing it on the back of your head. You could feel his fingers dig slightly into your hair. It sent shivers down you of revulsion. Sam closed his eyes and leant foreward. His lips pressed against yours in a drunk sloppy kiss.  Darkness decended on your brain.

"No!!!!" You screamed into his face. You ripped his hand away from your hair. "Get the fuck off me!!!!! Don't you fucking touch me!!! Arghhhh!!!!"

You pushed him roughly away, sending him flying.

"Hey hey hey. Y/N. I'm sorry. It's ok." Sam placed his hands on your shoulders causing a violent response.

You started raining blows on him and pushing him further away each time he tried to step foreward. Screaming like a caged animal. The device on your wrist let out a loud beeping alarm. Tony and Steve came racing round the corner their eyes wide with panic when Tony had received the signal from your wrist monitor. It had done its job exactly as it was supposed to. Steve stood in-between the both of you acting as a human barrier.

"Sam. Sam. Listen to me. Leave her be we got her." Tony held Sam back.

"But I just, I just thought...I guess I got it wrong." Sam was so confused and drunk, alcohol fully clouding his rational brain. 

You kept pushing Steve away shouting and screaming. 

"Don't fucking touch me. Mother fucker tried to kiss me. I will rip your head off."   your face contorted to complete rage. You were practically unrecognisable as the same girl freely dancing earlier. That girl was gone now, disappearing into a ball of rage and pain.

"Get him out of here Tony." Steve instructed. You could hear him arguing his innocence as Tony guided him away.

"Hey Y/N. He's going. He is not going to lay a finger on you it's o.k. If I let go of you promise not to hit me?" Steve said very calmly taking control of the situation.

Your anger slowly started to dissipate. You were breathing heavily calming down but still distressed. You nodded at Steve. He released his hands from your shoulders. Your whole chest and shoulders heaved up and down as you breathed hard. Heartbroken and having your personal space invaded was not a good mix.

"Y/N. What happened?" Steve looked at you for a response.

You struggled to speak between heavy breaths. Your chest really heaving now. It was hurting to breath. Like you couldn't get enough air.

"BuckY...Wanda....kiss...ing...then... then...Sam.....kissed...me"

You fell back against the wall and slumped down ending up on the floor. Your hand went to your heart. Your head was racing with thoughts, swimming with ideas of Bucky and Wanda. You couldn't breath. You were struggling. You felt like you were going to die. Your entire bodily heaving and out of control. You were struggling to speak.  You wanted to run and hide but felt frozen in panic.

"Steve.....help.... can't... breath...."

Steve crouched down beside you. "Y/N what's the matter."

He felt anger at Bucky. What on earth had he done. After this he would hunt him down and have words. How could Buck have lead you on only to kiss Wanda. He had struggled so hard with social interactions yet Bucky had kissed Wanda? What was wrong with the guy. Especially on the night of your party. 

Nat and Clint walked around the corner to see what was happening and if Steve needed help. Nat ran and crouched down on the other side of you and listened to you trying to breath. 

"She's having a panic attack." Natasha said calmly. "Y/N. You need to breath properly. Take a deep breath in hold it then exhale. Do it with me. Breath in. Hold it 1.2.3.4.5 . Slowly. Breathe.out. that's it.

Natasha slowly guided your breathing. You began to feel more in control. Your breathing slowly came back to a normal pattern. Pain still gripped your heart. Tears started to fall as you breathed normally again. The feeling that you were going to die passed. Exhaustion hit you hard.

Nat stayed by your side reassuring you.

"It's o.k. You are o.k Y/N. Shh. Everything is alright. You are safe."

"Y/N. I'm going to walk you down to medical to get checked out." Steve said.

You nodded with your face in your hands. 

If Bucky was somehow responsible for this or even just added to it, Steve felt like it somehow reflected on him. He felt he had a duty to fix this. "God sake Bucky I am done with this now. You are an adult you can sort out your own mess after this." Steve thought to himself. 

"I'm going to put an arm around you. Is that OK?" Steve asked giving you warning.

With an arm around you he guided you to the elevator. As you were about to walk in the elevator Bucky walked past. You looked a state. Bucky shot Steve a confused look. Completely oblivious to events of the last ten minutes. The door was shutting ready to take you down. You looked up from the floor and made eye contact with Bucky. A look of complete and utter defeat was written across you. Your eyes glazed over. Your shoulders slumped down. Why was Steve touching you? 

A stab of worry hit him deep in his stomach. He wanted to go to you and find out what happened, be the one you confided in. He wanted to run after you and hold you close. He wanted to pull you tight against him and take away your pain. Feel your soft hands entwine in yours. Bucky brought up in his mind the memory of sitting on the floor with you comforting you. He wanted to be there again in that moment. Connecting with you one on one. The doors shut when he tried to call out to you.

Bucky went back to the party to find the music stopped. Someone was passing ice to Sam to press on his face. He had a swollen lip and eye. Whatever had happened must not of been pretty Bucky thought. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Down in medical you had been checked over by a doctor briefly. Steve stayed by your side the entire time. 

"Good news Y/N is it does seem like you had a panic attack. I know it feels like a heart attack but it's fine. You are free to go." The Dr smiled at you giving you the all clear.

"I'll walk you back to your room Y/N. Rest." Steve said."I'll explain what happened to the team. We will talk to Sam. I will make sure you are not held accountable for this one."

You looked up with big weary eyes. It was a heartbreaking expression you wore. "Thank you Steve. I mean it, thank you. Don't have a soft spot for me big guy?" You laughed showing it was a joke.  "I know it was your idea to look after me at the party not Bucky's, now this party your looking out for me again." 

Shit. Steve didn't have a soft spot for you...did he? You couldn't deal with that if he did.

Steve like a gentleman walked you to your door and said good night. You went to bed not caring you were fully dressed. You sobbed the hardest you could into the pillow. You were crying with every inch of your body and soul. Some cries were so violent they never even made a sound. So pained it was silent as the physical manifestation of your betray left your body. You craved Bucky's arms around you.  You wanted to go to him thought he was probably with Wanda anyway.Eventually your torment ended when sleep over took you.

Bucky lay in his bed staring at the ceiling. He had been filled in on the Sam story but wasn't aware you had see him and Wanda. You hadn't seen the full events to know what fully happened even. You hadn't seen Bucky push her away and walk off.

Anger and disgust at Sam were playing on his mind. But also jealousy popped up. Sam had kissed you. Even for the most briefest of moments Sam had felt perfection. The feeling of your soft beautiful lips hadn't been on Bucky but on Sam. He imagined the scene in his mind feeling more and more angry each time. It was as if Sam had stolen something away from Bucky. Buckys mind raced with thoughts of kissing you and what that would be like. He was longing to go to you but didn't know if it was appropriate. You were slowly consuming his waking and sleeping thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like this was a little short but deserved a chapter of its own. It felt a little awkward to write, didn't flow from my fingers like previous chapters but hope you liked it still.  
> Wanda is a cow bag.


	10. Clavical part 10 (Half goddess half hell)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She wears strength and darkness equally well,  
> the girl has always been half goddess, half hell.  
> \- Nikita Gill  
> 

The next morning you woke up with a new found level of calm. Getting showered and dressed happened on auto pilot. There was no inner monologue just an empty, focused brain. You came out of your room in comfortable practical clothes and natural make up. After all it wasn't like you were looking to impress anyone. You had almost a bounce your step as you felt renewed and focused on your role here with the avengers.

Your brain had a revelation, an epiphany after the tears of the previous night. If you can't fix the problem why not erase it?  Just switch off the emotions, the thoughts and the feelings. Why dwell on drama that is of no benefit to you? After all, you were use to looking out for number one. Your brains defense mechanisms were kicking in. Self preservation at its finest deciding you were being ridiculous and absurd so the walls had to come back. You were comfortably numb in fact giving you a level of freedom from the emotions of the past few days

As an avenger you were here to do a job not play about so time to get serious again. You had been "connecting" if you could call it that with Bucky for such a short amount of time it wasn't really anything. Obviously he thought so to by his actions last night with Wanda. You had a silly few days of parties and a day with Bucky that was it, hardly amounted to anything .Your inner workings reverting back to the start. Before day of fun. Before being with Bucky on the balcony. Back to the beginning it rewound as if you had just gone to the party and gotten drunk by yourself like you had planned.

All of this unsaid mentally as you were no longer allowing yourself to dwell , but your brain knew what it was doing even if your consciousness didn't. What was the saddest part of all was no one would know. Know one would know you felt real emotion that wasn't fear, pain or anger for first time in years. No one knew you had taken a step closer back to humanity deep inside your heart. If they knew what had nearly been "done" then "undone" as quickly as it had started their hearts would of broken for you. Broken in sympathy for your shattered soul. Bucky wouldn't know that he had opened a crack and let a sliver of light shine in.

Walking in to the kitchen you were your usual nonchalant friendly, but not to friendly, self as you said hi to everyone. An aura of mystery and coldness that made you unapproachable kept them at bay. Conversations would be laced with a sarcastic tongue to block any probing questions. Dare you let anyone near you. To the rest of the team you seamed just same old you. Unaware of the previous war, an internal battle between emotions of want and fear. Want for Bucky, fear opening up and being left vulnerable in any way. You both had behind closed doors been experiencing the spectrum of emotions the two of you set off in each other, unaware of the others similar state of inner turmoil. 

You almost took pride in this distance you were able to keep everyone that was in the kitchen at. They could never hope to pierce your armour that had kept you well protected these last few years. You smiled as you drank your coffee feeling the inner peace switching off emotions brought. The mental chatter dying down to a barely there whisper.  
The real test was about to happen as you sat at the breakfast bar reading your newspaper, Bucky walked in. He slowed down his movements when his eyes locked on to you. He was watching you as he made his way to the fridge, willing you to look up. You didn't respond to his presence. Previously you hardly noticed him so why would you now, you were back to square one.

While you had taken this mental leap back in time, Bucky hadn't. When you refused to even acknowledge him a pang of sorrow hit his heart. He wanted to meet your eyes in gaze, any kind of minut connection with you, as long as it was you. He couldn't put a finger on it but you were different today. Maybe the way you had a defensive stance while in the company of friends. Sitting on the stool you were sitting upright, almost rigid with strong shoulders. You carried yourself in a way that spoke "dare you to try and mess with me". Bucky felt this gave you an air of elegance and grace rather than hostility. Excellent posture and control of your body. As you read the paper it looked like you were permanently frowning you were being so serious. Bucky wanted to see you smile. Your face glow. He wanted to be the reason your face lit up. He knew you had to allow yourself to let him in before he could attempt to chase away any demons. He had thought that might of been happening, but today you seemed guarded again. Your body language screamed it.

Bucky pictured a scenario of coming up behind your stool. Using his strong hands to massage your neck and shoulders. Whispering "good morning" into your ear as he felt your tense muscles ease and your body slump relaxed under his touch. Your eyes closing enjoying the sensation of his hot breath in your ear. Bucky continued the mental picture of planting kisses from the top of your neck down to your shoulders and round to those clavicle's of yours. Little exhales of air with each little butterly kiss. Spinning the stool round bringing you face to face. Bucky pictured pushing any hair to the side then gently cupping your face. You would lean into the palm that held your beautiful face and Bucky would tilt your head up as he leant forward. Your lips would lock in a kiss that felt long awaited. A grand finale to Bucky's day dream. 

If the kitchen had been empty Bucky could not guarantee he would of had the control to stop himself carrying this fantasy out. He wanted you in his arms. His body felt cold and ached for the warmth of you. But only you would do. No one else could compare. He felt sickened at the memory of Wanda touching him. How he wished it had been you to lure him away from the crowd. 

Both Sam and Scott were in the kitchen with physical reminders across their faces of what happened to people who got to close to you. They over stepped your boundaries  and paid the price. The night of Tony's party you had taken hold of Bucky. Bucky wondered what had been different that you had been comfortable enough to do that. He hadn't known at the time it had been one kind of special honour bestowed upon him. You had cried on him, even more intimate yet. So why would you not even look him in the eye now? Bucky hoped that during the course of the day he would get a chance to to be alone with you. Whatever Sam had said or done last night drunk must of thrown you. He hoped you were ok.

After breakfast you headed to the training room with Nat. She was teaching you how to be faster with daggers. You liked being able to dodge quickly, move fast and stealthily stab an enemy without them even realising what happened. Fast, efficient and deadly. You were naturally good at this style of fighting so Nat was helping you perfect your 'rouge assassin' style. Before an enemy could lay a hand on you, you would be able to elegantly and gracefully move from the shadows to slit their throat. This kinda of skill would be important to the avengers. It was tiring work but you kept at it all morning. Practice. Practice. Practice. Harder your body worked the less your brain did.

You didn't really register Bucky lifting weights with Steve on the other side of the room so focused on your training. Bucky noticed you though. How could he not. You were all he thought about and here you were rolling about with another attractive women in front of him. He knew Steve was finding it slightly erotic as well with the way he was awkwardly avoiding looking at you.

You were mesmerizing to watch. The way you could take Natasha down with one swift sweep of your foot or dodge a blow then land a punch when she wasnt expecting it. You looked natural and graceful in this setting. While looking like a goddess you could reign hell on an enemy. There was a certain level of darkness about you that went with the strength, like a deadly ballerina. Bucky shuddered to think what would happen if you fell in to the hands that had found him. Here with the Avengers your skills were being used for good but you could easily be turned in to a 'Winter Assassin' and be far better than even Bucky had been as the winter soldier. He had strength but you had agility and stealth to carry out a mission fast and effectively with no mess. God you were just the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on. Why had he not noticed the minute you had first walked into the building. The very first meeting he should of been aware of you. Instead he had ignored what had been right in front of him shutting himself away.

A voice called out over the intercom that was through out the building breaking his admiring train of thought. 

"Can all members of the Avengers go to meeting room A. Thank you." F.R.I.D.A.Y.S voice rang out through the room.

You looked to Nat who shrugged telling you she didn't know what it was regarding either.

You made your way with Nat, Steve and Bucky following behind. You all pilled into one elevator. You looked at your feet the entire time refusing to look up at Bucky. You were in such close proximity you swear you could of felt his body heat. His general presence proving to yourself that switching of your emotions to avoid further distraction had been a good idea. It was hard enough as it was. 

As you left the elevator Nat and Steve got out first. Bucky hung back waiting to follow you. As you stepped out you felt him come up behind you. He brushed his finger ever so slightly against yours, not wanting to get punched but still hoping to grab your attention. Bucky swore he could feel just for the briefest moment electricity shoot between the two of you. He felt the tingling as the hairs stood up on the back of his neck. Just being near you was intoxicating and overwhelming. He wanted more. Needed more. 

You felt the over whelming urge to grab his hand tight. Feel his strong grasp take hold of your hand and lead the way. You gritted your teeth and pulled it away before he could touch you again. You walked a faster pace keeping your back to him acting as if it hadn't happened. You didn't say a word, didn't acknowledge Bucky at all.

When you pulled away Bucky stopped still. He felt powerless. He could do nothing but watch as you physically and metaphorically walked away from him as if he didn't exist. He felt like you were disappearing in front of his eyes. Fading away. 


	11. Clavical part 11 (the prettiest hell)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was the prettiest hell I have ever been in;  
> I didn’t mind burning at all.
> 
> \- Matt Baker
> 
>  
> 
> It's your first mission as a permenant team member. Bucky and Steve chat on route. While Wanda is just being Wanda.

Everyone gathered around the large oval conference table. No body seemed to know what it was about. Bucky had sat across from you but two seats down. Wanda entered the room and made a bee line for the empty space next to Bucky, almost rushing before anyone else could sit there.

"Desperate little school girl. Grow the fuck up" You thought to yourself. What in earth did Bucky see in her. Maybe he liked that flirty feminine type? The type to act shy as they giggled, mouths hidden behind their hands but knew what they were doing really when they made bedroom eyes at a guy. The knee high socks and short skirt really topped off her look. Trying to look innocent when really far from it. Had Bucky slept with her that night? Did he enjoy pulling up her skirt and ripping her panties to the side? The mental image popped into your brain making you feel sick to the stomach.

That could never be you. You wouldn't ever be like that. Would you even be able to have sex? Even if you did want to would your mind or body let you? You couldn't offer Bucky anything. No man could be satisfied with your scarred body and shattered mind so no point in letting yourself feel anything, for anyone. 

You watched out of the corner of your eye as she spoke to Bucky. You tried not to listen but couldn't help but pull a slight face of disgust when the sound of her giggle pierced your ears. An irrational reaction from that sound made you want to get up and pull her across the table to punch her. That would soon shut her pretty mouth up.

Wanda's hand squeezed Bucky's arm then she let out that awful laugh again causing you to turn your head away so you couldn't even see it from the corner of your eye. Bucky removed Wanda's hand from his arm while not even making eye contact with her. Natasha was sat further up across from you, she looked down the table then watched you turn your head away. She registered the look of disgust that just for a second flashed across your face which amused her, she couldn't help but laugh when you made eye contact with her. You smiled back happy to have found an ally in her who didn't have time for silly children.

Other members of the team looked up at you and Nat oblivious to your secret exchange which made you both laugh more.

Before anyone could ask what the secret joke was Nick Fury walked in with a serious look. He stood at the head of the table not even sitting down and began talking straight away.

"Right team thank you all for getting here so quickly. You are all probably wondering what the big deal is. Well we have some new Intel. It seems Hydra have had a base hidden away in Alaska. We aren't sure how long it's been there or how they have managed to hide it for this long. It's just been flagged up in some coded transmissions that we intercepted. The base isn't what is so shocking. Reports of what is going on there is what makes this red alert. It seems they are carrying out illegal experiments. On children. Mind control and programming experiments make children the perfect lab rats. This makes it a priority case. We are going in and putting a stop to this atrocity. After this meeting EVERYONE will be gearing up and flying straight there. Here's the plan. Steve, Bucky, Natasha, Y/N and Clint will be going in. The object is stealth guys. Get in. Get out. Destroy the base. Be as fast and efficient as you can to avoid open gun fire. If there is children we can't risk casualties so get them out with as little attention as possible. Everyone else we want to hang back. Depending on what is inside you may be called to help get children to safety or just be ready as back up. We don't want an all out assault here, do I make myself clear?" 

Everyone nodded or murmured a yes. 

"Any questions?" Fury continued.

"How big is this base?" Tony asked.

"Well we aren't sure but it can't be that big to have reminded hidden. You guys are going to have to scout the perimeter and find the best way in. That's all I can give you." Fury replied. "Everyone get ready to meet on the helicopter pad in 10."

Everyone got up and went to change outfits or grab any gear. Tony stopped you as you existed the meeting room.

"Hey. Y/N. Hold up. We need to adjust your fancy new jewellery. Can't have that beeping away as you slink around an enemy base."

"Thanks." You murmured as you held out your wrist for him to adjust your monitor.

With a few little presses of tiny buttons on the side he was done.

"There. It will still flash in reaction to your heart rate but the alarm is silenced. We already have one Hulk. Don't Hulk out on us out there today."

"I'll be a good girl don't worry Tony. As long as the guys round here can resist grabbing me." You winked and smirked at Tony. 

Tony held your wrist a second longer than necessary as his eyes registered the scarring across them. How had he not seen it before? When you caught him looking you pulled your arm away from his grasp. You walked off to avoid seeing the look on Tonys face after seeing them. You imagined it was the usual mix of curiosity, shock and pity. People found scars morbidly fascinating. Yours had a story you did not wish to tell right now.

You headed to your room where you slipped into a jet black cat suite and lace up military style boots. There was slight padding on the elbows and knees. You ensured your hair was slicked up out of the way. You then headed to a weapons room. You found Nat there picking up a utility belt. She tossed one to you but it was an empty one allowing you to choose what you wanted to take with you. You choose two daggers. One sat on either hip. You slipped in a can of silent pepper spray and a small silent smoke bomb. You then had room for a small but deadly stun gun. 

"Good choice." Natasha remarked as she grabbed one similar. 

You avoided the guns lock up that Bucky was stood at. You weren't confident with them and they just weren't your style anyway. Why be messy and loud when you can sneak up silently?

Once on the helicopter pad everyone pilled into state of the art fast mini planes. They would be able to get everyone there quickly. You hung back letting Bucky enter one of the three planes first. Noticing Wanda enter another you choose the third option to avoid them both. Time to focus on the mission.

Bucky was joined by Steve, Natasha and Clint. Most of the journey was spent in silence or discussing everyone's roles today. Bucky struggled to keep his brain focused as his thoughts wander to you. Breaking the silence he turns to Steve braving a conversation regarding you. He didn't want to bring it up, especially before a mission but it was playing on his mind to much he had to.

"Steve is Y/N o.k?" Bucky questioned.

"As far as I know. Why do you ask?"

"I saw you leave the party with her. I heard about and saw what happened to Sam."

Clint piped up "one heck of a punch on her that girl. Wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that."

"Don't be a pervert and you won't have to find out." Natasha laughed.

"Sam was very drunk. He misunderstood the signals. While he didn't exactly deserve it he should of been more um, mindful of his actions." Steve looked serious trying to defend both you and Sam. 

"What did the doctor say?" Natasha asked Steve.

"Like you thought, panic attack. She panicked that's all. Doctor wasn't worried" 

Bucky looked up at Steve hearing it had been severe enough to warrant a doctor's visit. He had no idea. He should of been there. He should of held your hand. He should of walked you to your room and spent the night even if it meant sleeping outside your door.

"Are you sure she's fine? Did the doctor say anything else? Is she fine for this mission?" Buckys words all poured out at once with genuine concern in his voice

"Yes, no and yes . Why are you so worried?" Steve raised an eyebrow. Both Clint and Natasha couldn't help but listen in.

 "I spoke to her briefly at the party but not seen her since. She seemed...off. everything was fine then but then since the Sam incident it's like she won't acknowledge me." Bucky explained.

"Ha-ha you dog Bucky. You been having a thing going on with Y/N then hooked up with Wanda as well?" Clint teased Bucky but was met with an elbow to the rib and a glare from Nat. "What?! Sorry is it meant to be a secret love affair? Guess the silent type does it for them."

"Nothing is going on with Y/N. Just friends or so I thought." Bucky added in his brain "still friends I hope."

"Ahh not denying Wanda though then." Clint continued to probe.

"Most definitely nothing going on with Wanda." Bucky shot a death glare to Clint that proved how serious he was on the matter. " Why? What have you heard?"

"Well Sam said she seemed upset and he tried to kiss her. His inebriated mind thought it would comfort her. Then during her panic attack she mentioned she had seen you and Wanda, um, kissing....it wasn't just Sam that set her off." Steve explained awkwardly.

Bucky hung his head in his hands, his hair hung over them. No wonder you hadn't spoken to him. He felt nauseated all over that you had seen that. While officialy nothing was going on between Bucky and you, he felt as if he had betrayed you. Here he had been feeling anger mixed with jealousy at Sam, had you experienced the same emotions about Wanda? How could he of let it happen with Wanda. Stupid fucking Wanda. He didn't want Wanda. Every inch of his being ached to be close to you. Ruined in a nanosecond. He was well aware you were hardly the type to let people in but you had started the very beginning process of opening up slightly to Bucky. It wasn't lost on Bucky how meaningful that was to you.  He knew because it also described him. Maybe it was better that it hadn't progressed? Two damaged souls couldn't be good for each other. Yet he couldn't deny his longing for you. It had started as a small drip of emotion trickling in and turned rapidly into a waterfall that he was diving into deep. He didn't know where the bottom would lead but he wanted to jump head first with you.....if you would allow it. The budding connection had been dashed across the rocks. By fucking Wanda. 

Steve looked down at Bucky in sympathy. He didn't know what exactly was going on with this little love triangle. He hadn't been been aware it was a triangle. Both you and Bucky were private people, as far as he knew you hung out for the day once. No one knew that you guys really felt anything for anyone, never mind each other. He could see now his friend was pained to learn you witnessed the kiss. 

"Steve. How do I fix this." Bucky spoke muffled into his hands.

"So did you kiss Wanda or did she kiss you then?" Natasha asked gently.

"Does it really matter? She kissed me then I pushed her away. I guess Y/N didn't see that part." Bucky looked up. His hair still hung slightly over his face making him look vulnerable.

"Yes it matters. If the kiss wasn't heartfelt then you have done no wrong. Wanda crossed that line not you. You reacted appropriately by pushing her away. Y/N is not aware of all of the facts yet then." Natasha explained.

"She won't talk to me. What can I do? The look on her face when she was going in the elevator with you Steve..."

Steve let out a big sigh. Did he offer advice or just leave you both to it. Steve wasn't sure it was even a good idea any romantic entanglements between you guys. He almost wished this had been the end of it. You both had healing to do.  Steve thought that under your tough exterior there was so much more hidden beneath the surface. Was Bucky really going to be the one to get through to you? What was it Steve was feeling? He mentally put himself in line. What was he thinking. Bucky is his best friend of course he deserved someone great like you....

"She won't talk to you? Don't tell her you're sorry, show her. Actions speak louder than words". Steve finally replied.

"Ohh a big romantic gesture. Girls like that." Clint said with Wanda shooting him a shut up glare.

"What does that even mean Steve?"

"I don't know Bucky you gotta figure this one out for yourself. What does she like? What's special to her?"

Before Steve could say anymore a voice over the Inter com informed them they were there already.

They landed and left the plane, meeting everyone else in a small clearing ahead in a forest. Getting out of your plane you felt your boots crunch on the cold hard ground beneath you. While it hadn't snowed it was definitely colder here. You could feel the adrenaline starting to course through your system. Everyone appeared calm and collected. You couldn't help but notice how at home Bucky looked with a gun in hand. Like it was second nature to him.

As stated some of the team stayed behind while those designated went a head. No one spoke as you all crept cautiously through the forest getting closer to the target. As it came into view Steve motioned for you all to to huddle together. He spoke in a whisper.

"Clint. You take a shot at the guys in each guard tower that's next to the entrance. Take them out quickly. We will then try to enter the door by passing security or if we have to some brute force in form of this small detonation device Tony developed. It is powerful but not to large. Will knock a hole big enough in the door we can get in but not a big enough explosion to hopefully set off any alarms." 

Clint nodded then set off closer to the edge of the forest risking being seen. One quick fire from his bow a guard was down. Second shot hit it's target as well. Didn't see it coming.  The rest of the team then made their way to the metal entrance door. No one was directly this side of the door, hopefully they thought those guard towers were enough and would find the other side empty. Natasha opened up the keypad and ripped some wiring out. The door slid open.

Everyone looked to each other shocked as if to say "well that was easy".

Steve signalled that him and Bucky would go one direction you and Nat another. Clint would remain keeping an eye on the entrance. Silently you guys padded through the base following the hall way around. You made an effort to keep your breathing in check nerves starting to take hold. You were starting to doubt yourself. Yes, you had been on missions but normally in more of a supporting role. Now here you were right in the thick of the action. You had to prove yourself. You had to be alert and aware. Push all irrelevant thoughts aside.

Once at a computer interface Nat took the opportunity to hack a terminal trying to download any data onto a hard drive she could. Afterwards you kept skulking silently round. 

You came across two guards walking ahead of you. You and Natasha looked at each other then nodded and ran straight at them. Your feet hardly made a sound. Before they knew what had happened they both lay dead. Not your first kill but your first avenger kill. 

You continued without a second glance down the hallway which took you to a central large room. Standing either side of the door Natasha hit the open button. You both leapt through the door way expecting a fight. Instead you met a puzzled Steve and Bucky.

"So this is it? Did we miss something? The rest of the base must be underground." Natasha said.

"I got a bad feeling."  Bucky stated. "There should be more staff and guards."

"Unless they got a heads up and evacuated the place?" Steve thought out loud.

Before anyone could reply there  was a large bang overhead. Electrified nets fell down from the ceiling. A net landed on each one of you big enough to cover you. The nets seemed weighted in each corner. They sent surges through your body you couldn't help but shout out from the pain and shock. It was so intense you couldn't even think. It seemed Bucky, Steve and Natasha were also experiencing the same inability to move from the constant shocks keeping you all pinned to the floor. 

You took deep breaths. You cleared your brain of all thoughts focusing on breath in and out. Calming your entire body down and putting yourself in a slight meditative state gave you control of your body again. You could still feel the shocks but imagined breathing the pain out. It was so intense the sensation of the net shocking nearly every bit of you. It took all your strength and determination to stand up slowly under the net. You let out a shout of triumph as you pulled it off throwing in to the side. 

Several soldiers at that moment ran in from both entrances. Before they could respond to the unexpected site of you still standing, you managed to rip the net off of Steve. You threw it to the side managing to knock over one of the soldiers. A soldier grabbed you by the neck from behind while one in front punched you. Orders were to take you all alive so it seemed. You jumped both feet off the ground using the force to kick your feet foreward into the chest of the man in front. It sent him flying backwards. You then flipped the guy behind over your shoulders. Lightning quick you grabbed a dagger from your right hip and slashed his throat as he lay on the ground. The other guy regained his balance and came at you again. You dodged a blow by ducking. You managed to swing round as you slid under his arm stabbing him in the back. Fast you stabbed him several times before he fell to the ground. 

Steve made easy work of several soldiers making use of his shield. You used this time to run to Nat where you pulled the net from her. The shocks surged through you but you ignored the pain to free her. She looked stunned from receiving the shocks longer than you and Steve had. As she recovered you ran to Bucky, the last person to be freed. You pulled his net off then instantly ran into the thick of the fight as yet more soldiers ran in.

Bucky staggered up his vision blurry. He looked around as he felt dizzy trying to make sense of the scene around him. Only one soldier remained  now with both Steve and Nat locked onto him. Bucky looked around but couldn't see you. He was starting to worry when the remaining soldier cried out then fell to the ground. As he fell he revealed you kneeled behind the soldier, you had slashed the backs of his ankles cutting his tendons.

You looked up while still crouching making eye contact with Bucky. You smiled at him while blood splattered your face and clothes. There was a stunning contrast between your bright smile and the gruesome blood you wore. You looked like heaven and hell combined in that one moment. Like a beautiful demon to lure men in. If this is what hell looked like Bucky would eagerly step through the flames. He would burn for you if it meant being getting close to you, the angel of death.

You stood up and looked around at the bodies littering the floor proud of your handywork.

Nat approached you and smiled.

"Well Y/N. What a first mission on the team. I'm glad we found you. Certainly earnt your place today. How did you rip those nets off?" She asked.

"Meh, I've had practice at enduring pain what can I say. You learn to shut it off when repeatedly inflicted on you." You replied not making eye contact.

Suddenly an ear shattering bang filled the room. Your hands flew up to your ears instinctively. Smoke and rubble fell from the ceiling. You found yourself crouching as the building rained down around you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fucking Wanda guys. Just fucking Wanda.
> 
> I could easily kill her off you know, just saying...I mean I won't,but I could....


	12. Clavical part 12 (smoke)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And you never ended up coming home, you just  
> Became something like some smoke that I tried too hard to hold
> 
> And when I awoke, everything had changed you see, I  
> Left my home, returned something different, I was  
> Beaten to death, bleeding to death with regret
> 
> And nobody else can see it  
> But there’s something underneath my skin  
> And I wish I could tell you  
> I had the worst little dream"
> 
> Brian Fallon - Smoke

Suddenly an ear shattering bang filled the room. Your hands flew up to your ears instinctively. Smoke and rubble fell from the ceiling. You found yourself crouching as the building rained down around you.

You didn't know how long it took for the building to stop shaking, it felt like eternity but most likely was seconds. You opened your eyes and started standing from your crouching position. Smoke and dust filled your view obscuring the ruined scene around you. As you breathed in it entered your lungs causing you to cough violently. All your senses seemed dulled. You felt an ache in your head. Blood started to drip down into your eyes. In the shock of it you hadn't even felt yourself get hit by falling rubble. You seemed okay other wise though.

As you stumbled coughing you tried to make your way through the destruction to find the team. Underneath a slab of ceiling a familiar black booted leg stuck out. You rushed over to find Nat pinned under.

"Nat!" You called out to her but there's no response. Her face obscured by the large rock.

Using every bit of strength you can muster you pulled the large slab away. Not managing to pick it up more of a rolling it away motion. Nat is laying unconscious. You shook her shoulder but still no response.

"Help someone help me over here Nat's down." You called out, both to the room and the communication device located on your wrist to the rest of the team.

Using your finger tips you search for her pulse.

Further away Steve stood up from a crouching position, his shield raised abve him sheltering him from the destruction. Hearing your plea for help he ran over. 

"Nat can you hear me." Steve continued your efforts for a pulse finding it faintly in her neck.. He placed a hand to her head. As he ran his fingers over her hair he pulled his hand away to find it convered in blood. A crimson pool started to frame her like a halo.

Steve used his strong arms to lift Nat's body. She resembled a rag doll slumped limp and lifeless in his arms as he carried her to safety. A hole had been punched in the side of the building, providing an escape route that didn't involve walking through the potentially now unstable building.

You looked around you for the last team member. Luckily Clint hadn't been in the room at the time. The dust has settled as you scan the room. There is no sign of Bucky anywhere. Still slightly dazed you call out. You can hear your voice shouting but it doesn't sound like your own. Sounding muffled and disconnected.

"Bucky! Bucky!" You turned to Steve with sheer panic on your face.

"Steve where is he?!"

"I'll get Nat to safety then I'll come back Y/N. I promise."

Just then Iron Man and Vision appeared the first at the scene. Soon the rest of the team followed.

 Time stood still as you continued your search with aid. Where is Bucky?! Your voice starts becoming hysterical as you search in the rubble for any trace. Your heart is beating so fast in your chest. Your fingers are bleeding and arms aching from lifting such weight. You don't notice and continued your search anyway focused on finding him.

As you start to break down crying you stopped your search and stood still taking in the scene. It then dawned on you. This had been a trap. A set up. The voice of Nick Fury rung out in your mind from the meeting.  _"We aren't sure how long it's been there or how they have managed to hide it for this long. It's just been flagged up in some coded transmissions that we intercepted."_

They wanted you to find this base when you did and they were ready for you.

Bucky was gone. There so sign of him. No clues. Nothing. Right now you were glad your wrist monitor had been switched off. The light flashed like mad as it reflected how fast your heart was pounding. Your brain was hazy and confused as you kept searching. Blood and tears obscuring your eye sight. 

You felt someone gently touch your arm. You spun around a split second thinking it was going to be Bucky. Instead it was Clint who had gingerly tried to get your attention. He had been saying your name but on your frantic search, covering areas you had repeatedly searched, you had been oblivious.

"Y/N. Come on. Time to go. You fly back with Nat. We will keep looking and check the area. You need to get checked out." Clint spoke softly and gently.

Reluctantly you nodded and agreed. You stumbled back to the plane your body shuddering as you cried. Steve greeted you and instructed the pilot to take off leaving you with Nat who was laying unconscious across the seats. He instructed you to keep pressure on Nat's head wound.

As Steve shut the door you took one last look at you. Bucky wasn't even here and was tearing you apart. What ever this...thing was between you and Bucky it ran deep. Deeper than either of you were prepared to acknowledge. He sighed not wanting to be apart of this mess. He would do anything to help Bucky but if it meant you would get hurt, would he be willing to offer him support still? It might not happen today or tomorrow, but however this panned out there was potential that someone could get seriously heartbroken. Of course this was a risk in any normal relationship. But you and Bucky were not normal. He saw you as something worth protecting and he wasn't sure Bucky was really up to the job. Did Steve really think he was a better match though? He felt guilt at his wondering thoughts. Knowing Bucky had been interested he hadn't even allowed himself to look at you in that way. Off limits according to the bro code. 

You kept hold of Nat's hand the whole plane ride back. You didn't want her to think she had been left alone. During the trip you had time to think. You knew you must look a mess right now. When you reached headquarters you were going to be met by god knows how many people. Did you want them to see you like this? No. You could have your breakdown once back in your room. You had to appear professional. Taking deep breaths you forced back the internal monologue in your brain. You regained control of yourself appearing the strong avenger you were supposed to be.

Once plane touched down a team met you on the landing pad. Expert hands were awaiting Nat's arrival as they transferred her onto a hospital gurney and took her straight to medical. They insisted you went to get check over despite the bleeding stopping and your insistence you were fine.

As you had thought you were absolutely fine, a scalp wound bled alot but didn't require stitches. As you were leaving Steve had arrived to check on Nat.  You practically collided as he rushed in to the door.

"Sorry Y/N. You okay? Any word on Nat?" Steve's concern written on his face.

"Yeah I'm fine. Nat has bad head wound they are stitching her up but they think she will be fine. Obviously they need to keep an eye on her for swelling or anything. Any sign of Bucky?" You remind calm as you asked trying to maintain a professional exterior. Inside your chest felt tight and your stomach nauseas. 

"I'm sorry Y/N. We checked all over. We found a possible sight showing recent car activity but lost the tracks. We think they were ready and waiting to grab him or maybe all of us. They sped off instantly." Steve looked at you grimly.

"Oh ok." You replied and tried to make an escape to your room before the tears fell.

"Y/N."  Steve called down the hall to you.

You stopped but didn't turn to him. "Yes Steve?"

"We will find him. I promise."

You heard the door shut as Steve went into the medical room.

You paused for a second then rushed to the elevator wanting to retreat. You violently pressed the button repeatedly as if it would somehow make it arrive quicker. As soon as the doors opened you rushed I'm pressing the door closed button straight away. You looked at your reflection in the mirrored elevator. You were a state. Hair disheveled sticking out. Covered all over with dust and blood, your face a macabre mask of blood. Not all of it entirely your own. Your skin tone looked washed out with dark circles around your eyes. Your uniform just as dirty as well as torn in places. It was meant to be your first mission. It had also been a failure. Where was Bucky.

Once you reached your room you headed straight to the shower to wash off the filth of today. You stood under the water letting it run over you with your eyes shut. It ran crimson as it washed away the blood. The warmth soothed your tired body. You went straight to bed afterwards with no stomach for food. Sleep met you faster than you had expected a sign of how exhausted you were that even your current mental state didn't keep you alert.

Your mind was still processing the events of the day. Images swam through your brain. Replaying the pressure you applied on the throat of a man. The sound the blade made as it slashed across his throat. The splatter of warm blood across you. The look in his eyes as he fell to the ground. Your brain chopped and changed. The mans face turned into different people. Melting between all the team members until you stood over the body of Bucky. In your dream state you cried out "no". You had killed Bucky. You had killed the team. The dream morphed to a past memory. Replaying the day that had changed everything for you. Driving down a big road in the dark with your parents. Pulling over to help a broken down man. Men speaking Russian jumping out of the darkness, the lure successful. Your parents dragged from a car. Your little brother trying to fight back despite how small he was in comparison to these men. They were lined up and shot. You watched your parents slump over, their bodies hitting the ground with a sicking thud. You were last in line. Closing your eyes waiting for a bullet to the brain that never came. You opened them to stare at the man in front of you but it wasn't the usual man who haunted you, your captor had been replaced with Bucky. Bucky stood with a gun pressed to your head. Suddenly the scene melted away to a made up scenario of Bucky and Wanda on the balcony you had sat with Bucky on. Her hands running all over him, through his hair as she straddled his lap. Her laugh ringing out. The whole night was a twisted dreamscape of memories mingled with new twisted outcomes, as if your memories weren't sickening enough the new plot changes made them newly horrific.

You awake the next morning feeling more fatigued than when you went to bed. Bucky was under your skin. After trying to push back all emotions you couldn't deny it. You tried denial it didn't work, the outcome of the mission and your reaction proof that burying your feelings didn't make them disappear. You wondered if Wanda was laying in her room awake thinking about Bucky. After all it was her he had seemed to have persued. Had he chosen her over you? Had it ever really even you? Maybe you had been imaging it all, mis heard him mutter you were an angel in Russian. Even if not romantically interested Bucky seemed like he had at least been interested as a friend in his own Bucky way. You wanted to go to him, to talk to him about your dreams. Feel his arms around you soothing and protective. His lips planting a reassuring kiss on your forehead. Bucky telling you he wasn't going to leave you alone again. Your heart ached for what was impossible at that moment. There was also a feeling of regret. You had never admitted to Bucky that you felt whatever it was you felt. Maybe if you had said something he wouldn't have kissed Wanda. Had she pushed you guys together unintentionally? 

Getting up and dressed you headed for kitchen craving a coffee. It was relatively early. Steve was already having already completed a run that morning.

"Hey Y/N." Steve greeted you warmly.

"Up early today?" You questioned him as you made a coffee.

"Couldn't sleep after... yesterday. I sat with Nat part of the night, she's awake now." 

"I'll go see her later." You sat down on the stool next to him at the breakfast bar. 

You guys were sat shoulder to shoulder. Close but it wasn't an intentional action but still very close proximity for you. Wanda walked in pouring herself a coffee. Neither of you looked up just sat drinking coffee in silence shoulder to shoulder. Wanda's eyes took in the scene. You buddying up with Steve.

"Any news on Bucky?" Wanda asked Steve. 

 "No nothing. We have been monitoring all communication. Aerial scans of the area. Agents following every and any possible lead. Nothing." You could hear the sadness in Steve's voice. 

Wanda stood the other side of him slightly behind. She placed a right hand on his right shoulder and slowly let it run down to the front of Steve's chest. Her body followed until she was pressed against his back her arm embracing him.

Wanda looked at you while assessing your response. You failed to react so she continued talking.

"You poor lamb. You must be so worried. If you need to talk you know where I am. Anything at all I'm here." She breathed into his ear seductively.

You felt anger bubbling up. With Bucky not here had Wanda leapt to Steve. Did she not care for Bucky at all? Were men just play things for her amusement? Bucky did not deserve that. Or was she just trying to prove some point, going for guys you were seemingly close to. Either way you were ready to knock this bitch out.

Tony came into the kitchen before you could blow your top breaking the tension. 

"Meeting in 5 guys. Meeting room a." He left as quickly as he arrived.

All three of you finished whatever was left of your drinks and hurridly made your way to the room. You sat next to Steve at the table while Wanda made sure she took the other side.

Once everyone arrived including Nick Fury, the events of the previous day were discussed. An update on Nat was given saying she just needed to rest a few more days. Those that had been present gave a detailed account of events. Nick personally acknowledge your bravery regarding the nets. Nets that Bucky and Steve were incapacitated by but you tore yourself free from. He even used the word "remarkable". While Steve retold his version you watched as Wanda looked at home with her fake sad sympathy eyes. She patted his hand as he spoke her whole body leaning towards him. She wasn't being subtle. You could not believe her ridiculous out right flirtatious behavior at a meeting regarding Bucky's disappearance. Bucky that she had kissed. Did this girl have no morals? 

You could not manage much more of this stupid girl when that's when she went and pushed you over the edge.

You heard her stupid voice with her stupid accent pipe up when discussing the collapse of the building.

"Well, you know if I had been there maybe I could of prevented the roof from collapsing after the explosion. I feel awful I was not there to help. I followed the orders given to me. Perhaps if newer members of the team hadn't been sent instead all of this could of been prevented." As she spoke the last sentence she leaned forward looking down the table to stare you straight in the eye.

There was no doubt about her meaning. She was saying she should of gone in your place. She could of prevented what you could not. Right now you were glad Tony hadn't switched your wrist monitor back on yet or it would of been flashing so fast. Heat rose in you as the anger grew. How dare she imply this was your fault. 

You slammed your fists down on the table causing it to shake violently. Standing up so fast your chair screeched back. 

A voice that you didn't recognize as your own shouted with pure hatred. 

"You know what Wanda? Fuck you. Fuck you Wanda. This was no ones fault. Instead of placing blame shut your god damn legs. You are to busy trying it on with each team member in turn to focus on your role. Buckys not here so you moved on to Steve? That fast huh? Concentrate on what is at hand. Finding Bucky. Act like the responsible adult you supposedly are just for one day. For one day think with your brain not your pussy."

After your speech you sat back down as if nothing happened and turned to Nick Fury.

"I apologise Sir. Let's continue and focus on finding Bucky."

Looking around the room everyone sat opened mouth. No one knew what to say. Wanda had gone bright red and looked embarrassed. You noticed no one leapt to her defense.


	13. Clavical part 13 (Promise me you will always remember)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>    
> “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
> 
> -winnie the pooh
> 
> Mopping about leads to a heart to heart on THE Balcony.

"Wanda don't think it's gone unnoticed that you have been acting like a dog in heat. You are a professional. Act like it." Fury shouted at the now meek looking red head.

You bit your lip trying not to laugh.

"And as for you Y/N." You went rigid as he addressed you. "Pipe the fuck down. You keep your outbursts to your self next time. Have a problem? Come to me about it or deal with it privately. Don't bring this shit to a meeting.  You are off missions today until you can keep your temper under control. Stark will be turning your wrist monitor back on today, don't think we have forgotten."

"Yes sir." You replied then looked down at your hands. You imagined all eyes in the room glaring at you.

Today everyone was going to be leading full force efforts to track down Bucky. Missions you weren't going to be able to carry out due to Wanda. Wanda got to go though which really pissed you off. You were going to be cooped up here not able to help at all. You should be out there searching for him. Maybe that's what Bucky would want though. Maybe he would want to be found by Wanda not you. If you were the one to turn up and save him from God knows where would it be a disappointment to him that the first face he saw was yours? And Wanda had said about if she had been at the previous mission, maybe she could do more good than you out there in the field. Killing people was your only talent but what good was this if you couldn't save the people you cared about.  That's why your family were dead and Bucky missing because you couldn't protect them. Useless pathetic girl.

You didn't fully listen to the rest of the meeting. None of it involved you now anymore. Every single able bodied person involved with the avengers had a role apart from you.

Once dismissed Tony came over and switched your wrist band back on. He joked about "as hot as a cat fight between you and Wanda would be...let's avoid it while I'm not here to watch." You laughed to show good faith but were eager to retreat from people. Hide away from the world for awhile.

You headed straight to the gym while everyone went about their business. You were pissed off and sad rolled into one. You wanted to take some aggression out. Work your body to forget about your mind swirling with thoughts. Through the course of the three hours you were there, every bit of gym equipment got used. You only stopped due to the screaming of your aching muscles. Working up a sweat had achieved nothing. Your brain felt the rush of endorphins but it had failed to calm your thoughts.

You grabbed something to eat then a quick shower aware of how bad you must of smelt after this morning. Boy were you going to feel sore come tomorrow.

Once freshened up you headed to the balcony that had started all of this mess. You craved the peace and calm. Such a simple act of getting away from the crowd with an acquaintance lead to this state you found yourself in. You were on edge awaiting news good or bad. Your body a bag of nerves. Sitting on a comfortable chair you tried to hush the internal dialogue. You focused on the way your body sunk into the chair. The feeling of it sturdy underneath your hands. The chill in the air as the breeze gently blew. The sights and sounds of the city. You would never get tired of this view. It made you feel like voyeror watching the world go by. Always watching but not apart of it yourself, just watching from the sidelines. You felt disconnected from people. Bucky had made you feel a connection. He had been the first rung of the ladder back to the land of the living. 

A tear fell down your cheek. You wondered where Bucky was right now at that exact moment. Was he okay? Was he injured? Even worse you hoped they hadn't switched the winter soldier back on. The trigger was still in Bucks brain afterall. You felt selfish just thinking it but it crossed your mind, had he thought about you like you were him?

What happens when he does come back? Did you foolishly think he was going to run into your arms and declare his undying love for you. Stupid girl of course not. It was Wandas arms he was going to run to. Was this a huge waste of time thinking about him then? Maybe you had built it all up in your mind as something more. He'd laugh in your face knowing you had been pining for him. Even worse would he blame you? You were the newest member and had been part of that mission. Maybe you were the weakest link that was The Avengers.

As you sat there you imagined the ghost of Bucky's hand in yours as it had been that night. His metal hand didn't bother you at all. It was apart of him and apart of his past. You looked down at the scars on your wrists. Just like they were apart of you and your dark past. A past that haunted you every day. Your life would of been so different if it hadn't of happened. You would be leading a normal life, had a normal job, normal friends and maybe even have a normal boyfriend. You can't picture yourself being intimate with anyone. So Bucky awakening these butterflies with in you had been so unexpected. 

You hadn't realised how long you had been up here on the balcony until Steve came out and joined you.

You looked up at him expectingly. Your eyes slightly shining with tears.

"Hey Steve. Any news?"

He came and sat in the chair next to you before answering. He looked at you as he spoke.

"We might have something. No guarantees but it might be something. A Hydra agent was captured but before he could talk he activated a suicide pill. He had some data on him we are decrypting now." He smiled giving away his optimism.

"Fingers crossed then." Your voice sounded flat as you replied. You weren't holding any hope. It was to soon in your brain. The powers that be would string this out for longer you were sure of it.

"Steve, what if they have activated him?"

"He's come back to us before. He can do it again."

"I hope so. But what if he doesn't?"

"Then Y/N I'll make it my goal to bring him back in mind as well as body."

"It scares me to think we could potentially have to fight against him if shit hits the fan.He's lucky to have you Steve. You can tell your friendship runs deep despite the mind control crap. I wish I had known him before to see what he was like."

"He was different Y/N. Bucky was more care free. He wasn't darkened living under a shadow. He wasn't so brooding. And he smiled more." Steve reminisced.

"The real Bucky then."

"Hmm I wouldn't say the Bucky we have now isn't the real one. A newer version perhaps. That's life though, it changes who you are  None of us are the same people as ten years ago or even 10 days ago. That version of you is just always changing depend on how your life unfolds. If I hadn't been frozen in the ice I wouldn't be here."

 "Well for what it's worth Steve I'm glad you here. Not that my opinion matters much in the grand scheme of things. I'd say it was fate that led you to be frozen in the ice so you could reconnect with Bucky. Imagine if Bucky hadn't remembered you? He would still be the winter soldier. You are both people out of your own time but you have each other. I don't know what fate had in mind for me. Maybe I'm yet to see the bigger picture. How something so horrific could possibly benefit me or anyone else. You and Bucky aren't alone in all of this at least."

Steve gently and cautiously placed his hand on yours which was resting on the arm of the chair. 

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. You are here for a reason. You are a surviver. I know things have been rocky here for you the past week but you have me as a friend. You know Nat thinks highly of you? Sam is just a puddle of drool when you are around. The rest of the team just don't know you yet. I think, you also have Bucky. I think you have him more than either of you realise."

You looked him in the eyes and with a sincere tone and facial expression you replied.

"Thank you Steve. For everything. Not sure I have Bucky at all...have to talk to Wanda about that one!" 

"If Bucky was here now what would you say to him Y/N?"

"My heart would want to write him a book of how he has ignited something  inside. How a fire now smoulders in the ashes of my soul. My mouth would barely let out an audible whisper. Not even a hint of what was going on interernally but my heart would want to scream with each beat to him. Scream of loss, sorrow, lust, want, fear. I would probably say nothing at all."  Sadness dripped from your voice as you uttered the last sentence. You surprised yourself saying these words outloud. They formed in your mouth before your brain had time to process them, yet your heart knew them to be true.

"Y/N. You can't both keep silent. When he comes back, one of you has to talk." 

"Steve, he doesn't want me though! It's pointless. Wanda is the one I walked in on kissing him."

"That's something to discuss with Bucky. The way I heard it, Bucky rejected her. Wanda can um, come across rather strong."

So Bucky didn't want Wanda after all? So why did he kiss her? What did this mean?

"Right Y/N. I better get going. Hang in there. Don't stay out here to long and make sure you eat something."

"Okay DAD."

"hey!"

"Sorry sorry. I'll get it right. Okay GRANDAD." You smirked at him.

Steve rolled his eyes. He got up from his chair and headed to the door inside. He paused to look at you before he opened the door. You were staring out across the view with a frown etched into your brow deep in thought. If it wasn't for Bucky he swore he would of kissed you there and then. He could see everything Bucky saw in you and knew this was dangerous territory, he had to emotionally retreat. It struck him that you and Bucky were similar at times. Chisel away at the rock solid exterior and you found a heart that ran deeper than you thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah sorry if this seems brief. Just a bit of filler that turned into a chapter:) can't wait to do the next chapter this was supposed to just open for. I'm hoping you enjoy it.


	14. Clavical part 14 (here without you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "But all the miles that separate  
> Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face
> 
> I'm here without you, baby  
> But you're still on my lonely mind  
> I think about you, baby  
> And I dream about you all the time  
> I'm here without you, baby
> 
> But you're still with me in my dreams"
> 
> 3 doors down -here without you  
> Someone's lurking outside your bedroom door. They creep in and lay down next to you not saying a word. Question is who the f**ck is is it? Steve or Bucky...or someone else?

You let out a sigh after Steve left you alone on the balcony.  Why did you admit those feelings to Steve? You hadn't considered yourself the poetic type but these feelings were like a lump stuck in your throat. Always there either to be swollowed back or spewed out. You had gone years with only numbness. Maybe you were emotionally stunted, lacking emotional intelligence. You hadn't grown up with the normal teenage years to figure this shit out after all so now as an adult you lacked the skills to deal with these feelings. You were 16 when taken. Think of all the growth people do from that age while you were being routinely abused. Even after you broke free, surviving the streets for how long had made you cold and hard. You had to be in order to exist out there. People out there pryed on the weak and vulnerable. 

The wind started to pick up creating a chill in the air as the sky had started to turn beautiful shades of pinks and oranges. You wished Bucky could of been here to see it. You swore when he got back if he wanted to be near you, you would take him up here to watch a sunset.

You headed to your room weary. You knew you should eat but you didn't want to face anyone here about the failures of the day in finding Bucky. Guilt was eating you up over the fact you hadn't been to see Nat. You mentally punished yourself for being so selfish.  Too wrapped up in yourself and your pathetic worry to give a crap about others. How were you fit to bare the title as an avenger? You didn't deserve it. You were a fraud. Not long from now people would see through you if they hadn't already. Then where would you be? Ass on the streets again as a muscle for hire. No body suspects the damsel in distress to be the body guard. 

You had a quick shower to freshen up then you dressed into your most comfortable pyjamas. It felt like a little treat, a pick me up in small way to climb into bed with the soft fabric hugging your curves. 

Sleep fell on you but your dreams were distorted and incoherent. A tangle that left you still exhausted when something woke you with a start.

There it was again a knock at the door.

A voice whispered your name.

"Who is it?" you called out your voice slightly croaky from sleep still.

"It's me. Wanda. Can I come in?" The voice called through the door.

"Please Wanda not right now. Just leave me alone. Have something to say, say it in the morning."

She left straight away. You were glad she got the hint. Why was she coming to hassle you? How dare the little slut open her mouth to you when you were still angry at her. Sleep descended on you once again. This time the dreams were no better. Images of Bucky and Wanda making love. Turning and smiling at you as they noticed you. Wanda grabbing Steve to join in. Sam trying to kiss you. 

You were woken once again by sounds outside. Foot steps outside your door. They stopped as they got your room. You didn't respond pretending to be a sleep. The door quietly opened pausing slightly, letting a small amount of light in. You still didn't respond hoping they would get the hint, instead the door opened further and there was a click as it gently closed behind them.

Your eyes opened wide in the dark with anticipation. Who was sneaking into your room and why. If it was Wanda you would kick her ass. If it was Sam trying something on, well, you would kick his ass.

You felt a figure flop on the bed next to you. If your wrist hadn't been under the covers the light from your monitor would of lit up the room flashing with your slightly raised heartbeat. The bed sunk under the weight of the mysterious stranger. You went rigid and froze with complete fear. 

Who ever the stranger was you felt their hand move through the bed. Searching. 

Was it Steve? Had he come to tell you some bad news and this was his way of trying to break it gently? Maybe it was Steve but he was there for an entirely different reason. A more personal agenda on his part.

Your hopes rose slightly maybe it was Bucky?! Would he really come see you though? Wouldn't he go to Wanda. No don't be stupid of course it wouldn't be Bucky.

The hand found what it was looking for in the bed - your own. It held it loosely and told you everything you needed to know about your mystery visitor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two short chapters in a day! Spoiling you guys now. See if i can make it a third?
> 
> I wanted to make this longer a bit felt this was a good tease ending.


	15. Clavical part 15 (couldn't wake up not right next to you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Couldn't wake up not right next to you,  
> I'd trade in forever to just hear you say the sound of my name
> 
> ARMOR FOR SLEEP LYRICS - The Truth About Heaven
> 
> The hand reveals who your visitor is.

You felt a figure flop on the bed next to you. If your wrist hadn't been under the covers the light from your monitor would of lit up the room flashing with your slightly raised heartbeat. The bed sunk under the weight of the mysterious stranger. You went rigid and froze with complete fear. 

Who ever the stranger was you felt their hand move through the bed. Searching. 

Was it Steve? Had he come to tell you some bad news and this was his way of trying to break it gently? Maybe it was Steve but he was there for an entirely different reason. A more personal agenda on his part.

Your hopes rose slightly maybe it was Bucky?! Would he really come see you though? Wouldn't he go to Wanda. No don't be stupid of course it wouldn't be Bucky.

The hand found what it was looking for in the bed - your own. It held it loosely and told you everything you needed to know about your mystery visitor.

 

_Hours earlier_

 

Buckys head slumped foreward his chin touching his chest. He was exhausted but his super soldier body was resisting the drugs he had been injected with. Buckys last memory was of an explosion on a enemy base. He remembered watching as the image of you disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Bucky had been watching you fight. Admiring the way your body moved. So sensual yet so strong. Then in the blink of an eye you were gone in the chaos and unseen hands grabbed him. Multiple hands dragging him. Tasering him. Then finally drugging him with god knows what. Given the way his body processed drugs and alcohol it must be something new, and would have to be strong, probably instantly lethal to an average person.

Bucky had awoken in a cell. It was tiny and dark. Not enough light filtered in a crack in the door to make much out. He found himself strapped vertically to a cold table, or something similar in a cross position. He grunted as he used all his strength to try to break the the metal clasps around his wrists and ankles. Whoever had done this knew what they were doing. This has been planned.

His cries and grunts grew louder as he tried over and over to fight the restraints. It cut and dug into his flesh but he didn't care.

Someone must of heard. The door slide open letting in bright light. Bucky closed his eyes and looked away as it blinded him after the darkness of the cell. A man in camouflage stood before him.

"The prodigal son returns home. Welcome back Mr Barnes." The man spoke heavily accented.

Buckys captor stepped forward a syringe gleamed in his hand.

"Rest. We have plans for you." He stepped forward towards Bucky.

Bucky shouted in protest as the needle plunged into his arm. The man pressed the plunger down, releasing the sedative into Bucky's body. Without another word the man shut the door once again leaving Bucky in blackness.

He had no idea where he was or how long it had been. Bucky started resisting the sedative. He felt the most fatigued he had ever in his life. His whole body felt weak and heavy, his brain clouded over. It was actually hurting him to stay awake.

Buckys brain was focused on you. "Stay awake for Y/N." He told himself. Bucky prayed with every fibre of his being you were okay. If anything had happened to you during all this....he would never forgive himself. If you had been hurt, or worse, in their efforts to get to him it would kill him. Bucky prayed they didn't have you. The weapon they could turn you into. Was there plan to create a lethal team? Bucky and you, strength and stealth. Together you could make formidable team to do their bidding as Bucky had done previously. 

He couldn't sleep and risk missing any chance of escape. Bucky couldn't go to sleep and wake up not knowing where you were if you were safe. He couldn't wake up with you not by his side. He had never craved you so much like he did now. It was killing him this not knowing, his heart felt on fire with panic and fear. Not for himself but for you.

In that moment Bucky would of given anything to hear your voice. He focused on his memories of you. The way you smiled at him. The way you said "Buck" with your beautiful voice. Your voice could soothe his soul. The way your soft skin felt the rare chance you guys had had any physical contact. He wanted to feel your warmth and solid body pressed up against him. Buckys arms wrapped round you keeping you safe. Bucky swore to himself he would only sleep next when you were by his side. He had never been so sure of anything in his life as he was about you now.  He could sleep then when he had felt that peace. His soul could rest for an eternity with you laying next to him. Until then he had to fight this.

His brain was finding it harder to form thoughts. He was failing to resist. Soon sleep would take him and he didn't know what the next conscious moment would bring. If he was activated he may never find his way back to you and he would never get the chance to admit you were running through his brain. You were running through his mind and body. He felt like you were part of him. He couldn't not come back to you. Bucky wasn't done with you yet. He hadn't had a chance to explain the Wanda kiss. It was nothing. She was nothing. You were everything. It was your lips he dreamt of knowing. How he yearned for that first kiss with you, if it was to actually happen that it. It felt so long awaited but he hadn't had a chance and he wasn't sure how you would react. He didn't want to push the abuse surviver over any edges with premature gestures. To someone else a chaste kiss was nothing. But you weren't someone else. You had been robbed of all consent.

Just as he was finally drifting off the door swung open again. Bucky lifted his head up squinting at the light. He couldn't make out the figure in front, the light was too bright. 

"Bucky?" A familiar voice asked.

As his eyes adjusted the figure started to form the vision of Steve in front of him. Steve had come to him. Steve would bring him back to you.

Steve managed to free Bucky although it was difficult, expert hands had made this prison that confined Bucky. Bucky slumped foreward down into Steve's arms, his body weak. With Steve's help they made way back to a plane that would take Bucky home. 

On the return trip Steve watched as Bucky slept. Once the drug had worn off slightly and Bucky stirred, Steve filled Bucky in. Much to Bucky's relief you were safe and sound. No harm had come to you.

Once back at the base Bucky stumbled and draged his weary body to your door with Steve following . Clutching a stomach wound he didn't even know he had, he ignored it his brain focused on his goal, you. He reached your door. He hesitated before opening the handle. A sliver of light expands in the room as the door quietly opened.

You weren't sure who has opened your door at this ungodly hour but you kept ignoring them hoping they would go away.

You looked so peaceful and beautiful in that moment. As Bucky took in the sight of you he whispered "angel" in Russian. Steve shook head, he really didn't think this was a good idea. Bucky needed to rest and get checked out but Bucky was going to do what Bucky wants to do.

Bucky didn't want to disturb you but he couldn't be anywhere else right now. This was all he had thought about.  He knew that this was probably wildly inappropriate and stepping over god knows how many lines and boundaries . He had to go to you. Bucky didn't even know how you would react.

Bucky wasn't aware you were awake. He laid on the bed staring up an the ceiling in the dark. His right hand reached and searched for any part of you in the dark. He wanted to feel some connection to you. Real not imagined. He found your hand. Bucky held it loosely unsure but just glad he can feel your warmth. His thumb gently stroked your wrist. He can feel your pulse. It made him feel better that your heart was still beating as if he hadn't completely broken it at the night of the party with Wanda.

Your mind went still and your heart skipped a beat for a split second in anticipation as the mystery hand connected with yours.  Who the hell was it? You felt the cold metal and relief washed over you. You smiled to yourself in the dark. Even more happy knowing it was your bed he had chosen not Wandas

Bucky was laying on his back on your bed in his full gear including boots. Blood and dirt streaked his face. His outfit ripped in places. He smelt bad but you didn't even notice.  
You still didn't let him know you are awake, you lay completly still. You focused on the moment taking in every detail and the feeling of his strong body next to you causing the bed to dip. He was only touching you with his hand yet you could feel the warmth coming from his side of the bed. Both you and Bucky closed your eyes and drifted off to sleep feeling peace and calm wash over you. No dreams bothered either of you that night.

You awoke the next morning finding the bed next to you empty. The only sign it hadn't been a dream was the dirt and blood staining your sheets. You weren't even slightly annoyed by the mess, as long as Bucky was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah that's right Bucky went to readers bed not yours. He thought about reader the whole time not you. Well and truly fuck you Wanda ;)


	16. Clavical part 16 (It's always been you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "it's you. It's always been you." Random Pinterest quote

You awoke the next morning finding the bed next to you empty. The only sign it hadn't been a dream was the dirt and blood staining your sheets. You weren't even slightly annoyed by the mess, as long as Bucky was home.Your stomach fluttered at the thought of Bucky being back. He was home. For the first time you had thought of this place, this room, these people as home. Somewhere to retreat to for safety and comfort at the end of a day. Somewhere you thought maybe you could be yourself.

Was Bucky safe though? The blood on your bed proved he was injured. You threw some clothes on, sat and hurridly did some make up. You didn't want Bucky to come back and see you looking a mess. While not normally the vain type you didn't want Bucky to regret coming to your room in the cold light of day. Staring at your reflection you turned your head to different angles analyzing what stared back at you. Every fault and flaw highlighted in your brain and exaggerated. The scar on your lip where you had been punched so hard your lip busted open. Were your eyes not big enough, lashes to short? What about symmetry, was your face symmetrical enough to be called pretty? You went about your daily ritual of beating yourself up before you had even left your room.  You lifted your head and pulled your shoulders back to create a fake air of confidence about you. Your armour against the day. Your shield against people.

You walked to the kitchen after spraying some perfume. Bucky and Steve were the only other early risers. You smiled seeing Bucky sat there doing something as mundane as drinking coffee. The normality you needed to see in order prove to you he was here and he was alive. Injured men don't sit around drinking coffee.

You wanted to go and throw your arms around him and hold him close. Bathe in the comfort of having him back and be able to make physical contact. Secretly yearning for his touch. Instead you walked past him to get to the fridge. You spoke casually as if it was a usual thing you would say.

"Hey. Buck. You owe me new sheets." 

You smiled at him as he turned round to show you were joking. 

"Don't worry I'll make it up to you doll." With a cheeky look on his face as he replied.

Your heart felt like it skipped a beat. Flutters set off in your tummy. Bucky had called you doll. He had called YOU doll.

As he turned back around Steve looked at Bucky with a raised eyebrow. Bucky mouthed "what?" to him not understanding the look he was being given. Steve then realised neither of you got the innuendo that could be taken from such wording. The sexual tension was thick in the air with the longing looks you both gave each other. This sort of thing wouldn't normally bother Steve but he didn't know how long he would have sit and watch this unfold. How many more messes were going to be made by what ever...this was. He was going to have to watch you both act like love sick puppies neither having the balls to do anything. And say someone finally did make a move. Was he going to have to pick up the pieces of Bucky, or even worse you? You seemed so pure and innocent to Steve under the layers of darkness that clouded you. Was he going to watch that get ruined?

"I'm going to go check on Nat. See how she's doing. I'll catch guys up later." Steve excused himself wanting to get away from all of this.

After pouring yourself some fruit juice and fixing some cereal you sat down on the stool at the breakfast bar that Steve had vacated. 

 "Are you ok Buck? I mean there was blood..." You questioned him while looking down at your food.

"Yeah I'm okay now I'm here." Bucky added in his mind "Now I'm here with you." Instead he finished with "I heal fast."

You could feel such heat and energy radiating off of the man sat next you. It was completely in your mind, no one else would feel it, but it was so strong and real to you. He had such a pull on you that he felt almost magnetic drawing you in. You wanted to spill your heart about how worried you had been. Plant kisses on him. Instead you just sat staring at your bowel willing some sort of physical contact no matter how small. This energy was building and your heart was going to explode if he didn't ease some of the pressure. 

"I'm glad you are back safe. I was so worried. I mean, we all were!" You awkwardly added.

Your hands shook slightly with a mixture of nerves and the intensity of being next to Bucky. You hoped Bucky didn't notice as a drop of milk dribbled down your chin. He put you on edge. It wasn't a 'bad' on edge like before a mission. It was an exciting thrill of a school girl crush. When just being in close proximity to your crush was pleasure and torture rolled it to one. You felt like your heart was going to beat it's way out of your chest and land in front of Bucky giving away your strong awkward feelings. You were drowning in the intensity of it.  You had to leave. Now. 

You had only eaten half your breakfast when you got up and dumped the remaining contents of your bowel in the bin. You went to leave not saying a word. It's not that you didn't want to talk to Bucky, more you didn't know how to. What do you say? 'uhh hi Buck glad you are aren't dead. Now you are back let's just go about our day as I pretend not to have overwhelming feelings for you. Oh how was kissing Wanda? Steve says you rejected her but thats not what I saw. How long did you kiss her for before saying no? If you aren't scared of me hitting you in the process I secretly want you to kiss me on this breakfast bar right here right now because if you don't I think I might just die?'

As you started towards the exist Bucky leant sideways on his stool reaching to you, his fingers grabbed your wrist loosely. You froze for a second registering his touch. You turned round and faced the still sitting Bucky. Bucky stared into your eyes with his piercing state. 

"I...I...I gotta go Buck." You stammered.

He stood up the stool screeching as he rose. Bucky was no longer looking up into your eyes as he stood to his full height looking down at you. He wanted to pull you in tight and not let you go. He wanted to inhale the scent of your hair as you melted into him.

Instead he just stood there staring into your eyes with intensity which spoke louder than words, but you weren't listening. Closed to the secrect, subtle language of the burning desire you both held. Bucky ached for you, all of you.  He felt like he needed a taste of you, no matter how small, just a tiny taste to dull the growing hunger and need. Just to take the edge off. Bucky pleaded with you with his eyes as he remained in the moment. "Give me something Y/N. Please before this consumes me." his mind screamed at you.

You looked down averting your gaze as it got to much for you. You didn't pull away though. You felt his warmth wash over you and you closed your eyes to embrace the pull you felt to him. Taking a small step closer to the entrancing man before you forcing your bodies to meet. The warmth became flames of desire as nearly every inch of you pressed against his muscular frame. It was everything you had imagined yet so much more. You had no idea a person could feel this way. It was starting to terrify you where it might lead. This was a huge step for you.

Very slowly and timidly Bucky raised a hand to your head and gently held it to his chest while his other arm came around your back to hold you in a loose embrace. Bucky didn't want to scare you away so kept his hold loose allowing you to retreat. For a second Bucky felt you relax into him. For a meer second it felt like Bucky was holding onto what was becoming his world. For a meer second Bucky felt true happiness for the first time in so many years. Bucky wanted this moment to last forever, he wanted to revel in the peace it brought him. As soon as it had began it was over. A fleeting glimpse of what could be.

He felt you suddenly pull away from him. His heart being ripped out of his chest as you practically threw his arms away from your beautiful body.

You had felt at home in his warm embrace and it scared the shit out of you. You felt overwhelmed by the mix of emotions and it was sending you into panic flight or fight mode.

"Is this how you made a move on Wanda Buck?" The words spat out of your mouth before you had time acknowledge them. A bitter tone in your voice added venom to the words.

"What?! Is that what you really think Y/N?" Bucky's face was a picture of genuine shock. He hadn't even thought about Wanda once since he had been back. Bucky had forgotten all about that incident. His brain was solely dedicated to one train if thought: you.

 You ran out of the kitchen not giving Bucky a response. You didn't want to hear what may be excuses or lies. You didn't want to go further knowing Wanda and been welcomed there before you just days ago. If Bucky held even so much as a spark for Wanda you couldn't even start to go down this path.

"It's you." Bucky shouted but you were already gone.

"It's always been you." He whispered softly to the now empty kitchen.

 


	17. Clavical part 17 (such a heavenly view)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "''Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars  
> I'm gonna give you my heart  
> 'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars  
> 'Cause you light up the path
> 
> I don't care, go on and tear me apart  
> I don't care if you do, ooh  
> 'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars  
> I think I saw you
> 
> 'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars  
> I wanna die in your arms  
> 'Cause you get lighter the more it gets dark  
> I'm gonna give you my heart
> 
> I don't care, go on and tear me apart  
> I don't care if you do, ooh  
> 'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars  
> I think I see you  
> I think I see you
> 
> 'Cause you're a sky, you're a sky full of stars  
> Such a heavenly view  
> You're such a heavenly view"
> 
> Coldplay - a sky full of stars

"It's you." Bucky shouted but you were already gone.

"It's always been you." He whispered softly to the now empty kitchen.

Bucky slammed his clenched fist down on to the breakfast bar causing a loud bang to ring out. Luckily it had been his flesh hand, his metal fist would probably of smashed the work surface and he didn't want to have to explain that one.

Tony Stark walked in at the sound of the echoing bang. 

"It's a bit early to be smashing the place up isn't it? Were you planning on paying for it? A bit of respect please, this is expensive marble." Tony stroked the shiny work top admiring it.

"Sorry Tony just some um, person businesses. Won't happen again." Bucky apologised.

"Annnddd would this personal business go by the name of Y/N by any chance?"

Tony raised raised his eyebrow as he asked.

"Maybe." Bucky replied reluctantly.

"Hmm well if I was you, and boy do most of us guys here wish we were if it means standing a chance with that hot piece of ass, I'd sort it out. If you don't swoop in and snap her up then someone else will. Or maybe just get hit in the process, kinda hot if you are into that type of thing I suppose. Either way both of you make up your mind to save the expensive decor."

"Bit of respect for a lady please." Bucky shot Tony a glanc3 that was a clear warning. 

Tony sighed. It was going to be a damn Civil War all over again at this rate. Someone better get laid soon everyone going around with pent up sexual frustration.

Bucky turned his back on Tony and left the kitchen not really sure where he was heading. Bucky decided a run sounded good. The fresh air and excercise might help clear his brain and focus his thoughts. Right now his mind was swirling with the fleeting memory of holding you close. If he was to go to your room right now, tear your door open and just kiss you how would you react? He didn't know why you were still dwelling on this Wanda nonsense. To him it meant nothing yet to you...it meant something.

As Buckys feet pounded into the concrete of the sidewalks he found himself clearing his brain. Concentrating on each foot hitting the path as sort of a meditation. He ignored the mental chatter and focused on an image in his mind. You this angel that appeared seemingly from no where. How long had you been here before he actually  _saw_ you. Bucky had been blind. Not anymore though his eyes were wide open and locked entirely on you. He had to make this better. Make this right. Let you know how deep you ran through him. That's when it came to him. A memory from when him and the team travelled to the Hydra base.

 

> _"She won't talk to me. What can I do? The look on her face when she was going in the elevator with you Steve..."_
> 
> _"She won't talk to you? Don't tell her you're sorry, show her. Actions speak louder than words". Steve finally replied._
> 
> _"Ohh a big romantic gesture. Girls like that." Clint said with Wanda shooting him a shut up glare._
> 
> _"What does that even mean Steve?"_
> 
> _"I don't know Bucky you gotta figure this one out for yourself. What does she like? What's special to her?"_

 

That was it. That was what Bucky was going to do. If you wouldn't talk to him and listen, he couldn't explain anything. So Bucky was going to have to show you instead. Bucky was going to go back to the start of all of this. Where it all began.

Bucky headed back to the headquarters with his new goal. He was preparing mental to do lists in order to pull this off. It would take a bit of time but he was confident he could do it.

While Bucky had headed out for his epiphany you had been doing something similar just replacing the outdoors for a treadmill. You pounded hard feeling a layer of sweat over you. It felt good to work your anger out. Anger at yourself. You were a fucking idiot. Why did you let yourself get this far? You were falling deeper into the rabbit hole. You had a choice, fight back to the top or let yourself fall and see where it took you. The lack of control over your heart and the situation was frustrating.  Maybe you didn't really have a choice, you were doomed to go down this route, your emotions to strong to be turned off.

You switched the machine off satisfied you had worked your body to the point of aching tomorrow. There was nothing 'offical' planned for the avengers today and you weren't really sure what to do with your free time. Maybe grab a shower and go see Nat? You felt bad for not visiting more often. You made your way to your room and entered. As you did you heard a crunching sound as your foot trod on something. There on the ground was a crumpled up piece of paper. You bent down to pick it up. Your name scribbled on the top so you opened it up. It was a simple hand written note.

_"The balcony at 7pm tonight. Please be there Y/N.- Bucky"_

You sighed as you placed it down on your bedside table. Were you really going to go? Would it make you a complete and utter bitch if you just didn't?

You stepped in the shower to wash the layer of sweat from you. Once dried off and dressed again you headed down to medical to see Nat. She was dressed in normal clothes now not a hospital gown. 

"Hey Nat, how are you?" You said as you pulled up a chair next to her bed. The redhead had been reading the newspaper when you walked in.

"I'm fine thank you. All better. They are insisting I stay here as a precaution. Just until tomorrow then I'm back in my own bed baby."

You laughed at her sense of humor which never failed to cheer you up it seemed.

"Good, you must be going stir crazy in here."

"Ah it's not to bad Steve has come to visit me alot. How are you? I mean now that Bucky is back..." Natasha shot you a knowing look.

"And what would you know about me and Bucky exactly?"

"Y/N. It is literally my job to see all and hear all without anyone knowing I know."

"Ok ok there's not much to say."

You explained to Nat the meeting in the kitchen, how you had reacted badly and then the note.

"Y/N. I'm going to be honest with you. In this line of work it's not easy to form connections with another living breathing human. It's just how it is. Yet here you are gorgeous and single, and Bucky drop dead good looking and available. You both like each other. Well more than like. You are both infatuated with each other. Really be honest with yourself now. What's holding you back? If I was you I'd be running to his room and tearing his clothes off."

"What am I scared of? Where do I begin. To start off with this has been fast. I'm scared of intimacy. I'm scared of what is expected of me in a relationship, mainly the physical side. I'm scared I'll disappoint a partner. I'm scared of being used. I'm scared of being hurt. I'm scared I can't be normal or stable."

"Alright alright alright." Nat interrupted you before you could continue. "I get it. Your mentally and emotionally fucked up. Guess what? So is Bucky. Who is better to understand your demons than someone with their own demons."

"So you think I should go meet him?'

"Of course you should! You would be a fool not to. You haven't really given him a chance to explain the Wanda thing. Hear the guy out. You will regret it if you don't. Trust me. You don't want to spend your life thinking 'what if'."

You looked down thoughtfully at your hands them looked back up into Nat's eyes. An aura of innocence descended on you as you struck Nat as an inexperienced girl sat in front of her, not a deadly assassin.

"But Nat, what if I don't know what to do? I've never done this before."

 "Well Y/N once upon a time none of us had done this. It's part of the journey of life. Do you think Bucky wants to hurt you or use you?"

"No, Barnes doesn't exactly seem like a player as far as I know. Just Wanda anyway.... well he doesn't seem like a jerk.  He seems nice."

"Well there you go then. Your brain is wary but your heart sees him. If he's half the man your heart is telling you he is, he won't ever mean to hurt you. You have to trust that. You never know how these things are going to end up, but you never know unless you try."

"I don't know if I want to try. I just don't know anything anymore. Before Buck I was here to do a job. Now my mind is full of questions. My life had direction and was simpler when not dealing with emotion. Now I'm scared my abusive past is going to ruin my future. I'm not capable of intimacy."

"You can't let your past define who you are. You will take the steps with Bucky only if and when it feels right. He will respect that Y/N. Don't deny yourself the chance to be happy."

Nat reached out and placed her hand over yours.

"I've seen the way he looks at you. I don't think I have ever had a guy devour me with his eyes quite like that. Bucky is crazy about you. Go to him tonight. Or I'll drag you there myself."

"Thanks Nat. If this is going to go to shit I'm blaming you." You smiled at Natasha as if to say thank you for the pep talk. 

You chatted to Nat for a while until the doctors came to talk about discharging her. You took that as your cue to leave.

You headed to the communal living area to watch some mindless tv to pass the time. You were happy to find no one else there. Good. No small talk. You had a tv in your room but this one was bigger even if it meant the risk of social interaction.

You tried to follow the storyline on the screen but your mind replayed what you and Nat had discussed. You knew that these feelings for Bucky were too intense to ignore but your past had caused enough fear and distrust to normally over ride it. It was prooving a conscious battle to not talk yourself out of meeting him. Nat seemed so insistent you went. What did she know? Had she seen the way Bucky looked at you? Your brain still not acknowledging the way he drank you in. Or maybe she just recognised two damaged people in love needing a push.

You looked at the time. It was 6:30. Heading to your room you decided that if you were going to meet Bucky you would do it right. If he was asking to meet to reject you, you would still knock his socks off. Shit. That hadn't crossed your mind yet. What if he was wanting to meet to let you down gently? Great. In that case you would look awesome to make him change his mind.

You opened your wardrobe to be greeted by the least sexy and limited choices. Shades of grey, and blacks hung side by side. Lots of comfortable easy to train in clothes. At the back you found the dress you had worn to Tonys party where you had drunk yourself to a falling asleep outside state. You picked it up and ran a hand over the fabric. You had an idea. You found a pair of scissors and cut off the bottom length on the dress. You carefully snipped making sure it was straight. You removed your clothes and stepped into the dress. Perfect. The party gown had now been turned into a body con dress. It showed off your shoulders and neck perfectly. Feeling rather exposed you teamed it with a leather jacket and black tights. Combat military style boots added to the sexy punk rock look going on. Sitting down in front of the mirror you attempted a smokey eye look. At the bottom of your make up bag you found a lipstick you had bought but never worn. Sophisticated rich red shade. "Fuck it" you thought as you applied it for the first time ever. It complimented the eyes and outfit perfectly. You were completely unaware how stunning you looked. You oozed attitude but it translated as sexual energy to any guy looking. You were not use to dressing up like this. You felt very aware of how short your dress was.

Staring at your reflection you were procrastinating. Putting off actually getting up out of your chair and coming face to face with Bucky. You had butterflies in your stomach at having a planned meeting with Bucky. You hadn't exactly had much alone time with this guy who made you so nervous. Normal couples dated. What did you guys do? Raid potential Hydra bases and punch guys. Yeah screams of romance. How have you fallen so hard after only one actual semi date that neither of you agreed was a date. If Bucky wasn't meeting you to completely reject you, you were going to aim to spend time with the guy. Pretend to be normal for a little while. How can you say you have feelings for a guy you hardly knew? It's as if your soul and heart could see what your brain did not yet know.

As the clock hit seven you took that as your cue to leave.you left your room and leisurely made your way there not wanting to seem to eager. On the way you walked passed Wanda and Sam. You didn't look at them not wanting small talk. Truth being you had barely seen anyone recently. Nat and Steve seemed like the only people it wasn't a chore to chat to. You could feel Wandas gaze look you up and down then glare at you. Wanda's eyes filled with curiosity about your new look. Jealousy oozed off of her. 

You reached the function room where the balcony was. Your stomach was starting to feel nauseas with nerves, churning round and round like a washing machine. Deep breaths. You headed to the balcony.

Through the big windows you could see some lights and a table. Bucky was sat in a chair with his back facing the door staring out across the view.

This is it. Now or never. It was to late to back out now.

You opened the door and stepped out on to the balcony. Your eyes widened as you took in the glorious scene around you. Bucky lept from his chair on arrival. He slowly walked towards you building suspense. His eyes took you in then smiled at what he saw. 

Bucky was so pleased you had come. He had convinced himself you were going to be a no show. He had been sat in this chair trying to think of a plan if you hadn't turned up. A sense of relief washed over him at the sight of your arrival. You looked breathtaking. He was in awe of you his mouth open slightly as he wasn't even subtly staring at every part of you. Stunning. Breathtaking. Truly an angel heaven sent. His whole body ached to greet you with a passionate kiss but he was aware you guys hadn't made that step yet.

"You made it." Bucky said with a smile when he had reached you.

"Bucky... I...um...my god.....this is amazing." You were speechless as you took in the scene around you.

The balcony was illuminated with a mixture of lights, lanterns and candles. It was so bright in the darkness of the night. Tea lights flickerd slightly in the gentle night breeze. What wasn't occupied with lighting you found flowers had been placed everywhere. Petals and Garland's everywhere. Bucky stood before you dressed in the same suite from that night just as you had worn the same dress. Your eyes darted around struggling to take it all in. Your eyes spotted a table. 

"Oh my god Barnes." You said in disbelief as you half ran half walked to the table.

A table was filled with food and drink. Everything you and Bucky had consumed on your day of fun. Every single drink and snack was there laid out before you. 

"Bucky literally everything is here!" You said with an excited tone in your voice.

Bucky smiled at your happy reaction. It was even better than he had pictured in his mind.

You turned to him as he walked over to the table you now stood at. As he made his way your eyes and Buckys locked in an intense stare as you both beamed at each other.

Time seemed to slow down for Bucky as his eyes didn't leave yours. A connection running deep between you in that moment under the starry night sky. Your eyes seemed to shine and your skin glow under the lighting of the balcony. So many lights that you were lit up from behind appearing like an angel before him.  In that moment Bucky realised just HOW powerful this lure between you two was. If he was more of a romantic soul he would of used words like "soul mate" or "destined". It just felt so  _right_ to be here, in this exact moment with you. No one else could of, or would ever compare to you now. Even if you tore him apart right now, in his eyes you would still be as bright and glorious as a sky full of stars. You were heavenly and divine. Buckys heart felt like it would burst with want and need. 

Bucky whispered "angel" in Russian as he reached your side.


	18. Clavical part 18 (it's as simple and as complicated as that)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want to be with you,  
> It's as simple, and as  
> complicated as that.
> 
> -charles bukowski

You turned to him as he walked over to the table you now stood at. As he made his way your eyes and Buckys locked in an intense stare as you both beamed at each other.

Time seemed to slow down for Bucky as his eyes didn't leave yours. A connection running deep between you in that moment under the starry night sky. Your eyes seemed to shine and your skin glow under the lighting of the balcony. So many lights that you were lit up from behind appearing like an angel before him.  In that moment Bucky realised just HOW powerful this lure between you two was. If he was more of a romantic soul he would of used words like "soul mate" or "destined". It just felt so  _right_ to be here, in this exact moment with you. No one else could of, or would ever compare to you now. Even if you tore him apart right now, in his eyes you would still be as bright and glorious as a sky full of stars. You were heavenly and divine. Buckys heart felt like it would burst with want and need. 

Bucky whispered "angel" in Russian as he reached your side.

You laughed at Bucky calling you an angel.

"That I most definitely am not."

"What do you mean Y/N?"

"Bucky. I know what that word means. I speak some russian. You called me it once before. But I'm not. I feel like i have an angel and demon inside me battling it out."

"Oh. I had no idea you understood. Now I feel like an idiot. You don't see yourself how I do. You look amazing Y/N. You always have done."

"Bucky. Why did you do all this?"

"I haven't had a chance to talk to you. Tell you what happened and how sorry I am. So Steve suggested I show you."

You pulled up a chair to the table of food and Bucky followed suite.

"Ok so I get the grand gesture. But why THIS? Why not just a bunch of roses?" You swept your hand across the spread in front if you as you spoke the word this.

"This is where it started. Where it began. Where you woke me up and made me feel alive again." Bucky had a very serious look on his face as he spoke.

"Is this what this is, living?"

"The closest I've felt to alive again anyway."

"You think we can be normal? Think we have the ability to live happy human lives?" You raised an eyebrow at your rhetorical question.

"If we strive for normality we will be left disappointed. We can only aim to be our selves. I was hoping you would say you felt the same rather than the 3rd degree."

You grabbed a drink and lent back in the chair and took a sip. You thought about a response. You were feeling elated at Buckys words but Wanda still hung over you.

"Wanda Buck. What about Wanda? I'm giving you the chance to explain now. I know we aren't dating or anything official so you don't owe me an explanation. Just....yeah. It hurt Buck. I was kinda hoping that I'd get some alone time with you that night Bucky. Instead I found you kissing her."

"You were all I wanted that night Y/N. The way you moved the, way you danced. Your smile lit up the room. I just wanted to get you alone and kiss you, not her. You were all I thought about. You drive me crazy with lust and desire. I can't believe I'm admitting this. Just enough beating round the god damn bush. Wanda planned it. She knew I had been wanting you. She didn't like that so dragged me away from the party. SHE kissed ME. I pushed her away. I didn't want it and made it clear to her. I'm so sorry you saw her force herself on me."

You took hold of Bucky's hand. Your fingers entwined in his. You made the move so casually as if you had done it a million times before.

"No I'm sorry Buck. I shouldn't of jumped to conclusions...I guess I was jealous."

"Believe me Y/N. You have no reason to be jealous of Wanda. I'm just happy you showed up and let me explain." Bucky felt as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He had gotten a chance to explain the kiss and so much more. "You know what Y/N? I think this is the most we have been able talk."

"There was the day of fun Buck. Do you remember how we held hands as we walked around the park? Almost passed as normal. So do we count this as our second date? Or did you sneaking into my room at night count?"

"I hope you didn't think that... inappropriate. Just, um, you. You were all I thought about. You had to be what I came home to."

You squeezed his hand tight in response to his confessions.

"I was so worried about you Bucky. I just kept thinking over and over about what if you didn't come back. How I had gotten so close yet still so far to someone. You know this is kinda a big deal to me."

"Yeah I know Y/N. I would never ever push you into anything. As much as I'd gladly throw this food from the table. Pick you up and lay you down to kiss you all over. Feel the warmth and pressure of your body beneath me. Rip that dress from you."

You felt the warmth of desire pool in your stomach and down below as you slightly tingled with lust at Buckys fantasy. God you didn't know it until now but you wanted that to.

"Buck. I don't know if I can give you that. I can't promise you that. I mean, I haven't ever done...that. For what it's worth I like the IDEA. But I haven't ever willingly done anything. I just don't know Bucky." You felt tears prick your eyes.

How could you date someone when you can't be intimate with them. You felt like a failure and a fraud. Your head sunk down slightly trying to hide your tearful state.

"Hey Y/N. Look at me." Bucky ever so gently and slowly reached over and placed a hand under your chin. He tilted your head up so he could stare into your beautiful eyes. A tear escaped your sad expression and he lovingly wiped it away with his thumb. "I swear I will never ever push. Everything will be on your terms."

"What do you want from me if I can't promise you intimacy? What even are we without sex?" You had a slighty angry tone to your voice as you became upset. 

"I want to be with you Y/N. Its as simple and as complicated as that. I don't know what to expect or even how to go about this. I don't know where my future lies, I don't even know all of my past. I'm just living in the hear and now. You are here and I want you to be my now. We don't need labels or social constructs. Just be us, but be us together. You have awakened in me things I can't put into words. Every time I lay eyes on you they get stronger and ignoring it would kill me. Even if you said no and walk away I had to get this out. Give life to the feelings inside or it would of ripped me apart. My heart feels like it will rip out of my chest. You don't calm my soul. You have created waves inside of me. The ebbing and the flowing that has been missing from my iced soul. Thawed by you angel and sent crashing through my veins. The longing might not always be pleasant but it's normal. It's human. And you did it to me Y/N. No one else. I long for you to bring peace by starting... something, anything with me. But if you reject this I won't hold it against you but at least I'll know and I'll always be thankful you made me feel again."

You stared at Bucky mouth slightly open speechless at his heartfelt admissions.

"Oh wow Buck. That is quite a speech. But first let me tuck into some of this delicious food."

You stood up and reached over the table to grab a plate. Bucky placed a hand on each of your hips pulling you into his lap.

"Easy there soldier." You giggled as you faked a protest.

Hot breath filled your ear as Bucky whispered.

"That wasn't an answer Y/N."

You placed your arms around Buckys neck as you sat on his lap enjoying the closeness.

You stared seriously at him in his eyes. You licked your lips seductively and slowly brought your face to meet Bucky's. A couple inches from Buckys face you whispered your reply.

"How about this for an answear."

Slowly you closed your eyes and brought your lips to Bucky's. Bucky felt rigid at first as you initially connected with him. His whole body relaxed as he adjusted to the feeling then he took the lead. You had simply pressed your lips to his, Bucky slowly started to guide you into a slow,sensual, gentle, closed mouth rhythm. Bucky eagerly wanted more but didn't want to push you when this was such a huge step. Your lips felt warm and soft. He could smell your perfume and shampoo. It was everything Bucky had imagined and more. He couldn't believe this had come to pass as reality not just a fleeting fantasy that kept crossing his mind. He could feel your warm body pressed against him. He could almost hear your heartbeat or so he imagined. It was intoxicating and exhilarating. He felt his spirit lifted at this long awaited moment. If it had been a film fireworks or an audience clapping would of been heard. This. Right here. This was what it had all been leading to.

You couldn't quite believe you had made such a bold move. You weren't sure what had come over you but the urge to finally kiss him was to strong to ignore you literally couldn't help yourself. You kept following the pace that Bucky was leading not wanting it to end. You felt as if you were getting lost in him and his tender touch. Who knew the winter soldier could be so gentle.

Bucky gently pulled away from the kiss.He brushed a strand of hair out of your face and tucked it behind your ear. 

"Yeah I think that's a good answer. I'm happy with that one." He smiled at you.

You bit your bottom lip suddenly feeling really shy. The strong ass kicking assassin feeling shy because she kissed a boy. You awkwardly got off Buckys lap and sat back in your chair. You couldn't stop smiling you felt so blissful at finally getting this closeness with Bucky.

"Well let's tuck in to the food then Buck. This is amazing looking and I'm hungry."

"You know, my mom would of liked you Y/N. She loved to cook and feed people and always said to bring home a girl with a good appetite."

"Ha-ha she probably would of approved of me then. First time you have talked about your family?"

"Yeah well not much to say really. I had a mom, dad and a sister. HAD. Not anymore." Buckys tone changed and became less light hearted.

"I won't pry Buck. Sorry. In all honesty not sure what my family would of made of you. My brother would of thought your arm was 'mega cool' I'm sure. My mom and dad, hmm let's just say they would of been wary. You aren't exactly the clean shaven lawyer or surgeon they had in mind."

"Think I could of charmed them? Mom's once upon a time liked me. Don't tell Steve this but I think his mom use to try and flirt with me."

"Really? Oh no how awkward, but funny. Bucky pulling a milf."

"What is a..milf?"

Your burst out laughing at Buckys question.

"What's so funny Y/N? Genuine question."

"Buck. A milf. It stands for mother I'd like to fuck. You can guess what gilf means...."

"Oh...no. Steve's mom was not milf. I'm sure when she was younger she might of been pretty....just no."

"Hmm which would Steve find more insulting. That you didn't think his mom was attractive or if you had wanted to fuck her?"

"A conversation I'm not having any time soon." Bucky laughed.

It was so nice to hear Bucky laugh. Stern cold and distant Bucky laughing and joking. At a glance anyone would think you were normal.

You guys spent the next couple of hours talking as you ate. It wasn't the usual chit chat of a romantic couple, but rather your unique blend of awkward chatter. Dodging topics of conversation regarding anything to "heavy". 

By the end of the very large meal you felt light headed and fuzzy, you were sure it wasn't just from the few glasses of alcohol either. Being with a Bucky tonight and getting a real chance to bond lifted your spirits and filled you with a sense of giddiness. You didn't want it to end but it was getting late.

"God Buck this is amazing. The food the ambiance....the company. All of it. It's perfect." You stood up as you pushed your chair back.

Bucky watched you stand and followed suite.

"Bored of me already Y/N?"

You took a step closer an rested your head on his chest. His arms came up around you encircling you, pulling you in to his body tight. You bathed in the security you felt there. First time you felt safe and secure in so long. Bucky kissed the top of your head taking a cheeky chance to smell your hair. He committed the smell to memory. He was sure after this his suite jacket would still longer with that smell. He hoped it would anyway. Taking a deep breath you relaxed into him letting your thoughts melt away on the exhale. 

"Buck. Sorry for the cheese. But I don't want you to ever let me go. Now I know just what this feels like I just want to stay wrapped up in your arms."

"I will never intentionally hurt you Y/N. I hope you will have a place in my arms for a while yet. I have to admit this does seem... surreal. Like my head hasn't adjusted to this being real yet. I have been wanting you so long."

"Pervert." You squeezed him slightly in jest. "Listen Buck. You don't have to if it's to big or close a step. But, um, do you want to sleep in my room tonight? Since we have now already, only this time I will actually know who it is in my bed with me. I just...don't feel ready to leave your arms now that the switched as been turned on."

Bucky pulled away to look at your face as he an spoke.

"Are you sure? I don't expect that and definitely not expecting it to lead anywhere. I can sleep on the couch or something if you want."

"No, no Buck. I want to fall asleep in your arms safe from the demons of sleep. Wake up with you still next to me." 

Bucky leant down and gently kissed you. "Only if you are sure."

"I'm sure Buck. Shut up and come with me." With out another word you took Bucky by the hand and lead him off the balcony to the elevator where you headed to your room for the night. Like you had many a night. Just this time not alone.


	19. Clavical part 19 (silhouette)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And should this be the last thing I see  
> I want you to know it's enough for me  
> 'Cause all that you are is all that I'll ever need
> 
> I'm so in love, so in love  
> So in love, so in love
> 
> You look so beautiful in this light  
> Your silhouette over me  
> The way it brings out the blue in your eyes  
> Is the Tenerife sea"
> 
> ed sheeran - tenerife sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this was meant to be a quick chapter but it got away from me and has been extended to 2 more after this!

 "I'm sure Buck. Shut up and come with me." With out another word you took Bucky by the hand and lead him off the balcony to the elevator where you headed to your room for the night. Like you had many a night. Just this time not alone.

Neither of you said much as you got ready for bed. There was still this slight level of social awkwardness between the two of you. You grabbed a tank top and leggings from a chest of drawers and went into the bathroom to change in privacy. Bucky heard the audible click as the lock was turned and sighed to himself. It meant subconsciously you didn't fully trust him. Part of your brain wanted to keep hidden. The thought of him seeing your body making you paranoid. Bucky had no intentions of walking in on you. He really didn't want to push you into anything at all. He stripped down to boxers as he thought. This had been your idea not his. He really hoped it wasn't to much to soon, for either of you. So aware of your sexual abuse and boundaries he hadn't even given it much thought his feelings on the matter. The act of intercouse left one both emotionally and physically open and vulnerable to hurt. It had been a very long time indeed since he left himself open like.

You opened the bathroom door in your tight fitting, but comfortable, clothing and make up now removed and Bucky swore his heart skipped a beat. You looked even more stunning when like this, a striking silhouette in the door way. As if this was you stripped bare not putting on your tough facade. Yeah you could still kick ass if you wanted to, no doubt in his mind about that. It was almost a level of intimacy in itself taking a layer of your armour off to him and only him.

When you stepped out you couldn't help but laugh. You wished your phone was closer to take a sneaky photo. Maybe even send it to Wanda accidentally on purpose...oops my finger slipped choke on this bitch. Here was the winter soldier sat upright in the middle of your bed staring seriously at you from behind his smouldering glare. Hair hung forward framing his face giving him a dangerous edge. His toned, muscular torso bare. Bucky looked almost menacing without even trying. Yet as your eyes traveled further his legs were covered up by your very pink, very floral bedding. Not the kind of sheets you expected the winter soldier to be sleeping under.

 You walked over and switched the bed side lamp on then made your way to the switch and off went the main light. Walking back over to the bed you bit your inner cheek to steady your nerves. You felt so nervous but it was an exciting, fun, nervous tension you felt. Pulling back your soft, cotton sheets you slide under next to Bucky. You laid on your side to face him and Bucky followed suite mirroring you. In the soft lighting and comfortable soft bedding it felt very dream like and surreal to you. You felt like this was a romance film or a scene out of a day dream. So peaceful and calm. 

You looked into Buckys eyes and smiled. He smiled back at you in response.  Bucky reached across and held your hand loosely.

"You look stunning Y/N. You really do. I uh, can't quite believe we are here. Like this."

"Yeah Bucky no dripping blood and mud on my sheets this time." You joked.

He moved his head foreward bridging the gap and gave you a gentle peck. 

"I'm sorry 'bout that. I just had to see you."

"I'm not angry Buck. It meant alot to me that you came to me. Buck, I'm not reading to much into it am? I mean, you were injured, tired and filthy. And out if anyone or anywhere else you could of gone to, you picked me. You picked this bed and me to collapse on."

Bucky slowly moved his hand from yours and gently traced over your collar bones. You shuddered as it sent a chill down you, the unexpected sensation new to you. 

"No you aren't reading to much into it. It was what it was. No where else I'd rather be. All that you are is all I will ever need."

A knock on the door caused both of you to jolt back from each other. You got up and went to the door. You opened it enough to fit yourself in the gap but so your unexpected guest could not see in.

 "Oh hey Steve! What can I do for you?"

"Sorry to bother you Y/N. Seen Bucky any chance? He's not in his room."

Silently you opened your door to reveal Bucky in your bed. Steve frowned at the sight.

"A word please Buck."

Bucky pulled back the covers and padded across to the door. He squeezed your hand and smiled reassuringly as he shut the door behind him. You went back to the bed and slide under the covers unable to hear their conversation.

Mean while Steve looked very pissed off at Bucky.

"Seriously Bucky? Is this a good idea? Rather fast don't you think? Especially for Y/N."

"Not that it's your business Steve but nothing has happened in the um, bedroom department." Bucky sounded uncomfortable at the implication.

"Bucky. I am warning you. Be careful. Do not do anything I mean anything, to hurt her or set her off. Your actions and relationship effect the entire team. Is that what it is, a relationship now?"

"We um, aren't labelling it. But it's something."

Steve sighed at Buckys answer. 

"Honestly, I don't even know what to say Bucky. Just be careful. Can you remind y/N she has her appointment tomorrow? She will know what I mean. Night Buck."

Steve walked away as Bucky watched frowning. Shutting the door Bucky slipped back under the sheets with you and you both moved back into previous positions.

"What was that about Bucky?" You asked curiosity getting the better of you.

"Just Steve being Steve. I don't think he trusts me with you."

You laughed. "Well not that it's any of HIS business."

"Yeah he means well just worries alot. He said to remind you of an appointment?"

You let out a groan. "Oh fuck shit fuck. I forgot. Fury made it mandatory I attend counseling after previous... incidents when this." You shook your wrist monitor slightly. "Was fitted."

"Oh. You ok about that?" Buckys hands moved up and cupped your face, a thumb gently pressed against your bottom lip.  Your lips puckered as you gently kissed his thumb tip.

"I'm not sure how I feel about it. I put it to the back of my mind. One of those I'll worry when the time comes. Guess what, times come and I'm still not thinking about it, trying not to anyway. Ahh I don't know to tired to think." You giggled. "You've worn me out this evening Buck."

Bucky propped himself up on an elbow do he now powered over you. He looked down into your eyes with intensity burning behind his pupils. In the dim lighting his eyes looked so bright and clear. He looked like he was going to say something but thought not to at the last second. Instead he leant down and planted a deep, slow, passionate kiss against your lips. Your arms came up so your hands could become tangled in his hair as you pulled him down. Pulling him even closer and towards you, you ended up pulling him on top of you. You giggled slightly as you spread your legs accommodate his large muscular frame. The heat came off of him in waves as he pressed against you. You resumed the sensual slow kissing. You felt yourself forgetting to breath as you got lost in the intensity. You could feel a burning warmth of what you guessed was desire pool in your stomach. As the kissing continued the desire spreaded consuming your whole body making your skin extra sensitive to the touch. Buckys lips moved down to your neck planting small little butterly kiss across your smooth skin. You gasped and before you could control it a reflex caused you to buck your hips up to hit Buckys groin. It illicited a groan from the winter soldier above you. He was getting just as out of breath as you were as you both got lost in the moment.

The groan snapped you out of your trance like state and the realisation that you just effectivly grinded Bucky hit you. Slightly proud of yourself but also shocked you had come this far with him and the desire still burned into you. No flash backs. No instant violent reactions. So far anyway you didn't want to push your luck.

"Buck Buck Buck. Sorry. That's that's enough. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Bucky rolled off of you very aware of his now erect member tenting his boxers. 

"Shh! Its ok Y/N. I meant what I said about not pushing anything. This is 100% you in control." He stroked your hear tenderly.

"Good night Bucky." You turned the bedside light off and rolled away facing away from Bucky. 

You felt a strong arm wrap around you and pull you in. You snuggled up as the little soon to his big spoon enjoying the moment. You felt safe and protected. You felt wanted and adored. Just the way you should do at the start of something new like this. You felt your body mold into him as you became heavy with sleep.

Bucky lay awake for awhile watching you in the dark. You subtly moved with each rhythmic breath in and out. Here was a living, breathing goddess who wanted him mutually. His angel. 

Come morning you awake feeling more refreshed than you had in a long time. You couldn't recall a single wake up or a single nightmare disturbing you. Turning over you came face to face with a sleeping Bucky. He looked so peaceful asleep. He had stayed the entire night you half expected him gone come dawn. Gingerly you tucked a strand of hair behind his ear that had fallen across his face. Such a simple yet intimate act between two lovers. YOU of all people could now say you had a lover. It felt alien to say those words in your mind yet being here, now, with Bucky felt so comfortable and familiar. Carefully to ensure you didn't disturb him you slid out of the sheets and headed to the shower.

Once dressed you exited the bathroom rubbing a towel through your hair. You expected to find Bucky still sprawled in your bed but instead found an empty, crumpled bed. You frowned to yourself then finished getting ready for the day to make your way to the kitchen. Down the hall and a quick elevator ride you were there. Walking into the kitchen you found Bucky pouring two cups of coffee. He smiled at you as he passed one steaming cup to you. As your fingers brushed against his goosebumps sent a shiver down you. You drank your coffees smiling at each other like lovestruck teenagers.

Tony walked in rubbing at his temples.

"Please tell me thats fresh. Coffee, my love, come to me...." Stark poured himself a cup then noticed the two of you. He gestured to the two of you with his finger. "THIS. Please don't tell me this is a thing now. Well, I would say that's intresting, but I'm not all that intrested. If it goes south you know where to find me Y/n. Just putting it out there."

"In your dreams bigshot." you jested back. To make a point you gave Bucky a peck on the cheek. For a split second a smug grin flashed across his face as he glared at Stark.

"oh you will be, you will be." Tony winked then left the room leaving you both alone once again.

You looked at the wall catching a glimpse of the clock. It was 8:15. 15 minutes until your apppointed meeting. Bucky noticed your glanc and saw your shoulders tense up. 

"Are you okay about this?" Concern for you in his voice.

"Not much choice if I want stay here. They can't have me as a loose cannon. I say good luck to whoever thinks a brain can be so easily fixed." 

"Well go along, shut them up. Just, don't be to hard on yourself Y/N? Whatever you discuss in there you know isn't going to hurt you anymore. Want me to wait outside?"

You started to protest. Tell him its okay you were a big girl but you saw the look of compassion in his eyes. He wanted to be there for you. He wanted to be waiting for you after with comforting loving arms. It crossed your mind maybe he needed this as well. Learning to connect with another human being was part of his healing.

"Yeah, that would be nice Bucky."

You walked together in silence until you reached the private room where your meeting was set to be held. You gave Bucky a peck on the lips them knocked on the door. Bucky grabbed your wrist after you heard a "come in".

 "I'll be right here y/n."

"I know Buck, I know. Thank you."

 Walking into the room you were greeted by a middle aged blonde women. It was like they had tried the least threatening person to hold these sessions with you.

"hello you must be Y/n? It's nice to meet you. I'm Dr Andrews or you can call me Elizabeth. Please take a seat." She gestured to a comfortable looking grey couch. Taking a deep breath you sat down and nervously fiddled with the hem of your top. You could see the flash of your wrist monitor through the fabric covering your arm. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hands up who would love to accidently grind on bucky.....


	20. Clavical part 20 (they never heard one sound out of my mouth)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And as I look down on them  
> I repeat these words in my head  
> "They never heard one sound out of my mouth  
> They never heard one sound"
> 
> ARMOR FOR SLEEP - the end of a fraud

Walking into the room you were greeted by a middle aged blonde women. It was like they had tried the least threatening person to hold these sessions with you.

"hello you must be Y/n? It's nice to meet you. I'm Dr Andrews or you can call me Elizabeth. Please take a seat." She gestured to a comfortable looking grey couch. Taking a deep breath you sat down and nervously fiddled with the hem of your top. You could see the flash of your wrist monitor through the fabric covering your arm. 

"How are you today Y/N? Do you know why you are here?" She asked softly.

"I'm okay thanks. Why I'm here? Because I violently assaulted two fellow team members and can't be trusted?" There wasn't even a hint of sarcasm to your voice.

She smiled at your straight to point response.

"Well, yes Y/N. It seems your responses were rather, extreme for the situation. Do you feel anger alot Y/N?"

"I haven't thought about it. I guess only in certain situations I am easy to anger but daily no, I try not to feel alot of anything."

"I've read your file and what's known of your history Y/N. That was alot for anybody to handle. So I think you have been handling it remarkably well. But handling emotions and memories is not the same as  _dealing_ with them though is it? You have done remarkable to cope daily but when something unexpected happens you don't know a healthy response. That's why I am here. To help you through your past so you don't just function and cope. We want you to grow, heal and move on."

You laughed unintentionally.

"I'm sorry Dr. You just made that sound so simple."

"Yes Y/N. Fury warned me you might not be open to..... change. That's why I have a suggestion. Am I right in saying you aren't going to talk to much during our sessions? Nod your head and say yes at the right times? Yeah thought so."

"Got me all figured out haven't you Dr?" You smiled to show no malice behind the statement. "What's your idea then?"

"I would like to take you into a state of relaxation where you will be less guarded and more open to well, opening up."

"Sooo you want to hypnotise me then doc?"

"Yes you could say that Y/N. It will be completely safe. We will explore your memories but none of it is real. Does this sound ok?"

You sighed. You felt like you didn't really have much choice.

"Okay but if I say stop....can we?"

"Yes Y/N. Any time you want to. There is no pressure to go deeper than you are ready to."

"Ok.So. How do we begin?" 

"If you would like to lay down and make yourself comfortable. I'm going to just dim the lighting." The doctor got up and switch the lights off. She then offered you a blanket which you declined.

"Ok Y/N. I want you to listen to my voice." The doctor picked up a metronome on her desk and set off the rhythmic tick, tick tick.

"Focus on my voice. Feel your eyes and for body grow heavy. Close your eyes for me. Feel yourself sinking into the couch your body heavy. I'm going to countdown. When I reach one you will be in a deep state of relaxation. Remember nothing you see or hear is real. It's just your memories and memories can not hurt you. I'm going to begin now. When it's time to wake up I will simple say 'wake up'. 10, 9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1 and 0."

You followed Dr Andrews commands and found yourself drifting off.

"Now where are you Y/N?" She asked you softly.

"A farm.There's a barn."

"And who is in the barn Y/N?"

"I am. I live here."

"Why do you live in a barn Y/N?"

Your voice changed and took on a gruff, deep, tone. 

"Well look at this fine young pussy. We are going to tear you apart. You know that? We are going to rip you apart. Dirty little cunt. Look how fucking pathetic you are. Hey boys come take a look at this one. Got a real pretty one here what do you say we keep this one a little longer? Going to make those titties that pussy and ass mine and I want to hear you tell me you love it then beg for more like a slut whore."

You voice became yours again and you start shouting out.

"I'm not a whore. I'm not a whore. I'm not a whore."

"It's ok Y/N. Memories can't hurt you.If you could say one thing to your captors what would it be. Picture it in your mind telling them. Describe to me what you are seeing." The doctors voice remained calm and gentle as she spoke.

"I am stood above them and as I look down on them I repeat these words in my head "They never heard one sound out of my mouth.They never heard one sound.""

"Why those words Y/N?"

"Because I heard other girls scream. There wasn't just me there on that farm. Many girls came and went. I heard them cry. Beg. Scream. I heard and saw them being raped and mutilated. I witnessed such atrocities so young. But they never heard a scream or cry from me. I feel smug they didn't get what they wanted. They took my body. My flesh. But not my soul. They have inflicted darkness on my mind. But my heart and my soul is still mine. I'm still capable of good. I'm still able to love and care. Things may be twisted in my mind but deep down I kept it locked up safe. I may not ever be able to have children because of those monsters. Fucking bastard's."

Your voice grew louder and you started laughing. You wrist monitor started flashing faster and faster.

"I will fucking show you pain. You think you know pain I will cause you a world of pain." Your eyes snapped open but still seemed glazed.

"It's ok Y/N. I want you to go back to standing over them. You are tall above them and they are small. They can't hurt you anymore. Can you do that?"

You swung your legs round and glared at the doctor. You sat silently before rushing at her suddenly. At the same time your wrist monitor started beeping loudly.

"You think you can destroy me. I am no man's for the taking. This body is temporary but the spirit eternal."

You grabbed the doctor by the throat with one hand and raised her up into the air.

"I will destroy you. I will find you in the next life and destroy you again and again. I will take pleasure in being the karma you deserve. You didn't destroy me on tgat farm, you turned me into your own doom." 

She was choking and shouting beneath your grip as you squeezed hard. She was trying to shout "wake up" but couldn't get the words out.

At that moment Bucky rushed into the room. He screamed at you "Y/N!"

He pulled you off the doctor who fell to the ground gasping for air. Your face was contorted into pure rage. Bucky hardly recognised you. He shook your shoulders trying to get you to snap out of the trance. 

"Y/N. Listen to me. Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! You need to listen to me and wake up now. It's not real. None of its real." 

Yours eyes blinked and your body slumped in his arms. Tears started streaming down your face realising what had happened.

"I'm so sorry.I'm so so sorry." You sobbed into Buckys chest as he held you in a tight embrace. "I'm so sorry."

Steve came rushing into the room responding to the signal sent from your monitor. He came in to find the Dr Andrews coughing and spluttering on the floor while you were hysterical in Bucky's arms. "

"Well. Hasn't this first session gone well." Steve thought sarcastically to himself.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh I'm sorry this seems short to me? Hope you enjoy it still?


	21. Clavical part 21 (remember 3 things)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remember three things.....
> 
> I'm here.  
> I'll wait.  
> I love you more than anything.
> 
>  
> 
> Things get a bit sexual here guys!

"Right, Bucky, take Y/N to her room. Or yours. Whichever. Just...go." Steve shook his head taking command of the situation.

"Are you okay doctor? Let me take you to medical to be checked out." Steve walked over and assisted the still coughing doctor to her feet as you and Bucky left the room.

"Sh! Y/N. Don't worry. Let's just go to my room." Bucky whispered in your ear as you just kept repeating you were sorry.

 You didn't even remember Bucky taking you to his room it was such a haze. Bucky didn't leave your side for the entire day though. Once you reached his room he sat you on the couch and held you as you continued sobbing. Bucky didn't have a clue what to say but you had to know he was there for you. You had relived what you tried to keep buried. Even socially awkward Bucky knew how devastating that must be.

Bucky tenderly stroked your head and your arms, lightly brushing his fingers across your skin. Tracing circling patterns with his fingertips which you found soothing. As you rested your head on his strong chest you let his arms enclose around you, surrendering yourself entirely to his embrace. You found his solid, warm frame comforting and inviting.

As he kept stroking and whispering to you he could feel your sobs slowing down. Your eye lids grew heavy, your whole body exhausted. Bucky looked down to see you were asleep. Carefully he leant back on the couch so he was laying down while you were peacefully asleep on his chest. He kept smoothing his hands over your hair and skin. Bucky was amazed at just how beautiful you were yet somehow had chosen him to be your comfort. How could someone so strong be so fragile underneath it all. Perhaps all the strong ones were if you digged deep enough. It seemed like since you and him had started your friendship you had suddenly had so many out bursts compared to the zero when you has first arrived here. Was this his influence? Was he the cause? Maybe Bucky wasn't a good influence on you? He started to doubt if you guys were a good idea, for your sake not his. Or maybe Bucky had just opened up a side to you that had been closed for so long, to long in fact. A wounded that needed opening up to allow healing. Bucky being the antiseptic that would sting but ultimately help clean out the bad. Or maybe he thought to himself he was over thinking all of this entirely.

Eventually your peaceful, sleeping influence caused Bucky to drop off himself. He awoke hours later to find you still resting deep asleep on him. Bucky had to move his legs as they stiffened up and tried to as smoothly as he could. Bucky winced as he saw your eyelids flicker slightly then open and look up at him.

"I'm sorry. I didn't meant to disturb you Y/N. Go back to sleep." Bucky whispered.

You stretched your arms up and yawned.

"What the hell time is it Buck?! I've been asleep for hours it feels?" 

"I have no idea but you must of needed the sleep." Bucky shifted to an upright position sitting you up in the process. He looked at you for a second before slowly leaning down to kiss you. It was such a gentle, delicate kiss you hardly felt it.

Bucky went to pull away not wanting to push it. Instead you pushed him back down to the laying down position he had previously been in. Without saying a word you straddled him placing a leg eitherside of his hips. You quickly lowered your head connecting your lips with his. You hungrily set an almost impossible fast pace. Bucky struggled to keep up but enjoyed the chase. He parted his lips slightly and your tongue delved in finding his and starting a new fight for dominance. Without even thinking Bucky's hands came up to your hips. One of his broad hands gripped on each side. You felt his fingers dig in slightly.

Unintentionally you rocked your pelvis. Bucky groaned into your mouth and he could feel your lips curl up slightly into a smile at the noise escaping him. You didn't even have to try to tease him and he could feel he was now rock hard. He used his hands to rock you again. Again and again he started to run you across his aching dick. You started to join in the rhythm he set grinding harder and deeper each time. The whole time your lips remained locked as you ran your hands into his thick hair. 

You sat up breaking the kiss and looked down at his flustered expression. He bite his lower lip in frustration which instantly sent a shiver of lust down you. He looked you dead in the eyes with a very serious expression suddenly.

"Is this okay so far Y/N? After earlier, are you fine with....this?" He asked you genuinely concerned.

"I like that you worry about me Buck but shut up and kiss me. I will tell you when I need to stop. I'm enjoying this far more than I expected." A cheeky, turned on smile spread across your face as you dived back in resuming the deep, lustful kissing.

With a new found confidence after your reassurance Bucky sat up still kissing you. In one quick, fluid movement he flipped you over so you were beneath him on the couch. You spread your legs to accommodate his large frame and wrapped them round him. Bucky grinded into you causing to moan this time.

It was the single most pleasurable and erotic sound Bucky had ever heard. He never, ever thought he would hear such a sound come from you caused by him. He was inwardly smug with himself that you trusted him so far so he pushed against your groin again. Another beautiful moan escaped your lips. Again and again he did it feeling such satisfaction each time. 

Breaking his lips from yours Bucky kissed gently your neck just below your ear. Bucky's lips moved lower and lower then went back up on the other side repeating the action. Bucky reached your collar bone and kissed over each in turn. Your beautiful clavicle's he had previously longed for were suddenly there beneath his lips. Bucky had to check it wasn't a dream and it was in fact happeneing. 

You could feel yourself becoming more and more out of breath as the desire became stronger. You tingled from head to toe, each kiss sending shivers down you. Your hands slid up his top. You could feel how solid and muscular Bucky was. You slowly and timidly pushed it up until he took the cue and pulled it off over his head. Your hands ran over his abs above you. His body was magnificent. It was as if he had been chiseled from stone by a Greek sculptor. It only made you desire him even more. Heat pulled in your stomach and your lower regions throbbed with the blood flow that had been sent there. You wanted to be touched there. You needed to feel something to realease it. So once again you resumed grinding against Bucky.

You had never, ever experienced anything like this before. You were enjoying it far to much to be frightened or nervous which your brain said you should be. If this is what lust felt like no wonder people loved sex so much. The mounting desire and longing in your core spurred you on to go further. 

Your finger tips ever to slightly dipped under Buckys jeans waistband. Leaving them there for a few seconds you started to teasingly stroke. Bucky was so terrified of pushing you over the edge, he just kept kissing you and letting you make the moves. You moved your fingers slowly to his trouser button. Subtly you managed to undo the button and slowly pull the zip down. Your hands came up to start pulling his jeans down. 

Bucky sat up pulling his jeans off then jumped back in-between your legs devouring your lips once again. You placed his hand on your hip while he kept himself upright with the other. Sliding his hand up in your hand you guided it up you to your breast. You removed your hand placing it on his thick arm. He delicately smoothed his finger tips over the curve of your breast. You could feel your nipples become erect as you experienced yet more and new sensations.

With a new found confidence you lifted your top up completely over your head. Bucky stared into your eyes intently making sure you were 100% okay with this. He slowly slid each bra strap down then kissed over your new flesh on offer. Over and over again he took his time kissing slowly lower and lower to the fabric of your bra. Bucky looked into your eyes as he put his hands behind your back to unclip your bra and remove it entirely. His lips resumed kissing the even newer flesh on show. Taking your nipple into his mouth he gentle kissed. He didn't want to nip or suck or do anything slightly rough in case it triggered abuse memories.

As wonderful as it was having him enjoy you so gently and sensually it was doing nothing to relieve your burning desire situated much lower. Guiding his hands again, this time to your trouser waist he undid your trousers. Slowly Bucky slid them down your hips and down your thighs. Again he stared intently into your eyes looking for any less than positive reaction. None came so proceeded to removed your bottoms entirely. 

Buckys eyes looked you up and down taking in the angel at his finger tips. He had never seen a female form as exquisite as you. You enjoyed the attention watching him look you over. Nobody had looked at you like this before. Like you were a thing of wonder. In his haze of lust Bucky failed to notice the scars on your body. You appreciated that he had never asked you about the ones on your wrists and he didn't point out the ones on your abdomen or thighs. In this moment you felt normal. You could of been any other girl reaching second base with her boyfriend.

Bucky's hand reached down to your underwear. He lightly ran a finger across the fabric from bottom to the top gently brushing your sensitive clitoris. He looked up at you with his bright, soulful eyes for approval. You smiled and with a slight nod giving him the approval and permission. Once again his finger tip brushed over causing your hips to ever so slightly buck up to meet him at the top. Bucky smiled the jerk reaction not going unnoticed. He started to circle the sensitive bud with one finger causing you to bite your lower lip. You could feel moisture collecting. Your cheeks flushed red hoping it wasn't evident through your panties. It was. Bucky just found it encouraging to continue.

After a minute or so of the excruciatingly slow tease, you hooked your fingers into the waist of your panties and started to slid them down. Buckys hands finished removing them carefully untangling them from your feet. Bucky followed suite with his boxer shorts that were struggling to contain his throbbing manhood. He wanted you so bad. Bucky had not pictured any of this happening he was so unsure how to proceed.

He settled back between your smooth legs and came face to face with you. You pushed some hair out of his face tucking it behind his ear. 

"Are you okay Y/N?" He half whispered not wanting to break the spell.

You nodded then lifted your head to kiss him.

"Bucky. I think I want you." You whispered in his ear. You swore you felt his cock twitch against your thigh in response.

"Okay so um would you like to do some um, foreplay?" He asked nervously.

"I think I just want to...do..it. DON'T ask me why but I don't feel comfortable with foreplay yet. But I want to connect with you Buck." You entwined his fingers in your hand bringing into your lips and gently placed a kiss on his metal knuckles.

"Should we grab some um, protection?" 

"Bucky they don't think I can have children. Safe there. I'm clean. What about you?" You asked getting straight to the point.

"Yeah I'm probably not as experienced as you are thinking. It's been....a while since, yeah. I'm clean."

"Then what are you waiting for Bucky." You grinned at him egging him on.

"Any time you want to stop just say it Y/N.  Please tell me the second it's to much."

Bucky used his hand to gently rub the tip of his penis against your entrance. You were dropping wet with desire.You instinctively opened your legs and hips up more. The very tip slid in. You and Bucky kept eye contact the while time. After a few seconds Bucky slid in a centimeter more again leaving you time to adjust. You didn't break the constant eye contact. Another centimeter in and you let out a slight gasp as he started to fill you. He was big. You were nervous. When you seemed to have adjusted he moved in a bit more. It was taking every ounce of restraint not to just push in and fill you.

You were unsure what happened next exactly. You felt your vagina clench tight around his hard cock. He moaned at the muscle spasm. An image flashed in your brain of the very first time you had been violated. The moan the monster had made filled your ears. You could see his face in place of Bucky's. You could almost smell his vile aroma.

You started crying and shouting while pushing him off.

"No!No! Stop! Stop! Please no!" Your voice sounded more distressed than Bucky had ever heard.

Instantly he pulled out of you horrified. 

"It's okay Y/N. It's only me, it's Bucky, you are with me and you are safe." He reassured you.

"Oh god Bucky. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I just, I thought I could do this. I wanted to I really wanted to. With you Buck. You must hate me. I lead you on completely."  You sobbed into your hands.

"How could I hate you Y/N. It's impossible for me to."

"Stop wasting your time on me Buck. I'm not worth this...effort. it should be easy. It should be simple and I'm not."

"Look if I wanted easy I'd be with Wanda." You both laughed slightly at his crude joke. "I don't want easy. I want you Y/N."

Bucky got up and grabbed a blanket from the bed covering you with it. Once again he settle between your legs this time the soft blanket as a barrier.

"Y/N. Please don't cry it is okay. I completely get it. Remember three things. I'm here. I'll wait." He paused before saying the third. "....and I love you more than anything."

You grabbed Bucky and pulled him in to a kiss.

"Do you mean that Buck?" You whispered.

"Yes a million times over." Bucky whispered back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So close guys! So close!


	22. Clavical part 22  (Despite it all)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And here you are living  
> Despite it all
> 
> Rupi kaur

The next week went by in a surreal dream like state. There were no missions and little training organised so everyone enjoyed some down time. Your time was spent living and breathing Bucky. You had felt awkward after the failed sex attempt but Buckys laid back attitude put you at ease. He hadn't brought it up in conversation and neither had you. It was easy to forget it happened when you both enjoyed films and meals out together. Mornings spent jogging together in the crisp fresh air followed by coffee and cakes in the afternoon. However, you still felt the memory of it heavy in your heart. 

It felt like someone had invaded your body. You were a passenger going along for the ride while someone else took control. It wasn't a negative sensation it was just very...odd. You would find yourself taking hold of Bucky's hand or kissing him passionately as if such acts of intimacy were routine. Well they had started to become routine to the both of you. Living and working together in the tower meant you had far more chances to spend time together than other new couples had.

Despite this outside facade of normality there was still what you considered the real you deep inside. Buried within your body the darker you. You felt it as your heart pumped. You felt it as your mouth breathed in air. You felt it when you became lost in your thoughts. The inner shadow you still not gone, pumping whispered thoughts of self loathing and doubt into your system. Hidden beneath a layer of skin but still inhabiting your body. If you weren't carful these whispers would become louder in your brain threatening to take over again. One slip and the dark could consume this light once again as it had for so many years.

Then you would see Bucky again. He would give you his small little smile that only you saw and the light would surface again. His words hot and breathy in your ear, his tender embraces and kisses injecting you with the warmth to hold back the cold darkness another day.

In reality nothing had changed. You were waging a war within yourself that had always been going on. It was just easier to forget the internal struggle and the lightness in you had found new ammo to use: Bucky. 

You guys were still not like a normal couple. You didn't laugh and joke the way a normal couple would. Infact Bucky rarely laughed. Sometimes an embrace would feel very rigid and uncomfortable. It was like you were both practising the little acts of intimacy that came natrual to others. Both as bad as each other at this relationship game. Feelings for each other ran so deep neither of you really noticed or knew any different. It was going to take time to adjust to this and you had both thrown yourself into this. No baby steps or room to retreat. No hesitation. 

You had a visit from Steve exactly a week after your counselling session. 9 am the next day. They wanted you to try again. Yes, it had gone badly but you had been pushed to far on the first attempt but they would not abandon you just yet. You swallowed back razer blades of anxiety scratching at your throat.  A jittery sensation caused your hands to shake.You knew you had to to stay here. For any future with the avengers you had to show you were healing and functional.

Waking up the morning of your appointment your brain raced with thoughts from the get go. It was early. Very early. Bucky lay beside you breathing deeply undisturbed. You could of gone back to sleep but your mind was not going to allow it. Groggily you got up and showered then snuck away leaving Bucky to sleep. You made yourself a coffee, your hands shaking as your body was racked with nervous anticipation. You could feel your body pumping blood out and breathing in much faster. You were flustered and ready to flee any second. How easy would it be to pack a bag and just walk out the door? No. You had to see this through. A life had 'happened' to you here which meant no retreating. Where would you even go? Back to the streets? Yeah, because that was so fantastic last time. You weren't sure you were even the same stone faced girl that had it in her life like that. You had softened.

Walking towards the same room as last time you had to consciously force yourself to breath deep, rhythmic breaths forcing yourself to remain calm. At the office door you saw that the door was already open, you couldn't even take the time outside to prepare yourself. Out of politness you still knocked before entering.

The blonde doctor swiveled round from the desk to great you.

"Ah Y/N! Perfect timing. Please. Sit." Her hand waved to the grey couch from last time.

You smiled and took a seat on the edge. As you sat right on the edge you looked ready to run straight away at a moment's notice.

"I'll keep the door open Y/N so you don't feel enclosed. No body is in ear shot to hear a thing. I guarantee it is still private, however, I do have a few men in close proximity for if your wrist alarm goes off again. Is that okay?" Dr Andrews smiled sweetly in reassurance.

"Yeah...that's fine. I would like to apologise for our last meeting." Shame flushed your cheeks as you refused to meet her gaze.

"In all honesty Y/N, I was being ambitious. I think we will just take it in smaller steps. This week I won't have you in a relaxed state. Keep it more casual affair."

"So what are we going to talk about?" A nervous edge took your voice causing it to waiver. Small talk. Crap. 

"Tell me about your week Y/N. What did you do this week since our meeting?" The doctor had a pen ready in hand to write down anything of interest in your answer.

"Hmmm." You thought about bringing up your so close yet far sex attempt but thought better of it. To deep for today. "I've been spending it with Bucky."

"And who is Bucky?"

"Well I guess Bucky would be my er, um, boyfriend? Sounds very high school ish to say." The doctor noticed how your eyes briefly lit up at the mention of his name.

" Oh yes. I believe I briefly, er, met him last time. You seem uncomfortable using the term boyfriend? How long have you two been an item."

"It's all new and a bit sudden. Unexpected. I'm not exactly the relationship type."

"How many relationships have you had previously?" She was furiously jotting down all your answers.

"Oh god. I didn't really have much of a chance or inclination, or even the ability to be involved with someone for a long time. After, um, getting away I just survived each day as it came. Before it happened I was young. There were usual high school crushes. Casual flirting odd date, but nothing I could count as serious." It hit you just how inexperienced you were for your age. Even before everything happened you hadn't racked up the numbers like some of your friends had.

"Have you ever been in love Y/N? I don't mean love like your family or a pet. Romantic love."

"No. But I think I'm starting to think I might be. Or at least the beginnings. Bucky said it to me but I haven't said it back. I thought you always just knew it was love or not. Real life isn't like books or films though. My brain won't let if be so straight forward."

"That is a big thing to admit to, thank you for sharing that with me. What does that feel like Y/N?"

You took a minute to reply unsure how to describe the jumble inside of you. When you reply you looked suddenly relaxed and at ease, confidence in your voice.

"It's like opening up the curtains to a warm sunny day and the light lighting you up. That warmth and brightness every time you see them. Like wrapping yourself in a safe warm blanket but it's their arms. Like your heart is racing so hard it's going to beat out if your chest. How you can't believe how lucky you are to have them and pinch yourself to make sure it's not a dream. Despite the nervous excitement though it's like you are coming home after a hard day, feeling like you can finally relax.  But their arms are now home. Home is no longer an idea, or a place. They are home. Safe, inviting and warm. Like they are calming your soul. I'm sorry Dr Andrews.  I'm rambling aren't I?"

"Well I think that is a very lovely description, a lot of people would envy such an amazing experience. Even if you don't feel comfortable saying the words 'I love you' back, perhaps share a little bit of what you just told me. How open are you with Bucky about yourself? What do you think is holding you back from saying I love you?"

"Surprisingly, very open Dr. He knows more than anyone else anyway. I just, I guess doubt. I doubt myself. I doubt my choices. I doubt if it's a good idea I create something as big as a loving relationship. What if I hurt him? What if I can't give him what he wants or needs? What if he walked out tomorrow? What if I decided to walk out tomorrow?"

"That's very good you have someone to talk to. I think it's natural to have worries and fears about fresh relationships"

"Well like I said it's still new so, yeah. Still alot I'm sure he doesn't know. I think he's able to understand more given his past than a guy in the street."

"You previously mentioned that you don't think you can have children. Have you spoken to Bucky about this?"

"Very briefly he is aware of the fact but not gone into details. Bucky knows what happened to me roughly. I told him I can't have kids. His imagination I'm sure can piece together what extremes happened to cause it."

The doctor took her glasses off and looked at you with genuine sympathy.

"You know Y/N, another team member has dealt with a life of infertility? I'll see if they are happy to discuss it with you if you wish."

You really, really, REALLY did not want that. Talking to someone on your team about such personal issues. Ohhh hell nooo! Pure hell. You knew you had to be seen as cooperating though. So through gritted teeth you smiled and nodded. 

"Well look at the time! My hasn't it flown!" The doctor exaggerated looking at her watch. "I would like to thank you for such open honesty. After our session today I want you to feel open to the possibility of love. You are worth of giving and receiving love. Let yourself have the happiness you deserve. Call it your task for the week. Homework if you will. Spend this week watching a romantic film, listen to a love song. Perhaps talk to those around you about relationships and their experiences. You skipped the teenage rites of passage with romance. I think you have some catching up to do."

"Thank you doctor. I'll try to convince Bucky to watch a chick flick with me. I think he could do with a refresher course." You smiled as you stood. Surprisingly, you hadn't completed hated this session. You appreciated the different approach compared to last week.

You left the room making your way down the hall thinking of any chick flicks you could watch later when you suddenly crashed into a large, solid figure. 

"Oops! Sorry!" You mumbled before looking up to see who you had collided with.

Steve placed a large hand on each of your shoulders as he took a step back.

"Wow there sorry Y/N. Was just coming to see how the session went, since there was no rush of alarms this time." Steve raised his eyebrow at you looking genuinely interested. 

"Aw sorry you didn't get any action this week. Maybe next week you'll get to wrestle me to the ground." You flashed a sarcastic smile at him unaware how flirty you could be perceived as being. 

"Yeah you would love that wouldn't you. C'mon. I'll walk and talk. Where you headed? What did you talk about?" Steve cut the conversation short. His instant reaction had been to carry on the unintentional flirtations. Steve knew to you it was just talk, it was just your sense of humor. It didn't stop some small flutter of interest spark in his brain. It was dangerous thinking, he had to stop reading into what wasn't there.

"Headed to the kitchen for a coffee and it's none of your business." You linked arms with Steve as you walked. "Now escort me to be beverage kind sir. See I reach my destination safe in one piece." 

Steve looked down at you as you walked arm in arm. He was aware what a huge step this was even though you hadn't even realised it. You were letting a man not just touch you, but hold contact for a long time in a friendly mannor. Steve was half ready to dodge a swing any second. He looked down at you enjoying the warmth of you against him. 

"Snap out of it Steve. She's not yours she is off limits. Don't get to cosy here it means nothing." A voice of reason called out in Steve's mind. He let out a sigh. Why did he even need his conscious brain to inform him of such simple facts. 

"Well, you must of talked about something, you were in there 45 minutes." Steve continued to push for information.

"Are you asking as a friend or my superior?" 

"Both." 

"Okay, okay, okay. We discussed love. Or well my lack of experience of it. I even have some homework." You laughed at the idea. You hadn't had homework since you prematurely left school.

"Oh? What homework, if you don't mind me asking?" Steve opened the door to the open plan kitchen area and headed straight to the coffee machine.

You leaned against the counter with your arms across your chest. Looking around you were happy no one else was there. All this chatting was rather draining, you could not handle any extra small talk.

"Don't laugh. But part of it is to watch some rom com chick flicks. As well as ergh, discuss people's relationship history. See, I missed high school and college. I skipped all that awkward dating. Now I've jumped head first in with Bucky. I think she doesn't want me to be naive and just get a wider picture. Basically when it comes to love and relationships I know fuck all."  You sighed as you admitted your ignorance on the subject. 

"Hmm not sure what they can teach you. Life isn't like the movies. I know ironic given our line of duty being slightly more....epic than the usual career. I think it's a good idea though for you to gain some insight." 

Steve handed you a cup of hot coffee. You frowned as you tentatively took a sip. You were going to have to ask people quite personal details. Not something that came easily. You thought you would start with an easy one.

"So go on then. Give me some this insight you speak of. Love. Relationships. Talk to me big boy. Show me what you got." Steve looked like he was ready to spit his drink out at your choice of phrases.

"Me?" Steve pointed at his chest. "I'm not exactly an expert on the subject."

"Well just tell me what you do know."

"Well let's see, before the serum that made me, me, nothing. Literally nothing. There was someone I cared deeply for though. Fate had other ideas and I became frozen for how many years. Since then there have been minor flirtations. I kissed another agent that I thought might lead somewhere but work got in the way. I think even if you find someone who shares a connection the situation has to be right. If it's not right you have no chance of it progressing." Steve's face took on a hint of sadness as he reminisced

It made you wonder if Steve was lonely. None of the team really discussed or had time for love lives. You forgot at times that they still had emotions and it was normal to want these normal experiences. 

"So relationships are... complicated? Like they need the right set up in order to even have a chance?"

"Yes I guess so. Sometimes they are to complicated to even get of the ground, or just short lived. Some are complicated and seem to work but should still be entered with caution." Steve looked at you in the eyes at the last sentence. Was he implying something?

"You mean like me and Bucky?" Your voice took on a slight defensive tone.

"No not like you and...but I guess it wouldn't do any harm for you to be careful still. You both have history that's less than pleasant. I know I can't stop either of you, but I think you could either be amazing together or an explosive combination. I dont want you to get hurt, either of you." 

"Do you ever get angry Steve? Like fate robbed you of your stab at love. Well what if this is my stab? Those bastards took so much from me. Even now it feels like they are taking."

Steve shrugged his shoulders. 

"It is was it is. I don't want to dwell to much on the could of beens and possibilities of life. I think it messes with your head if you let it. I don't blame you for feeling like that though." Steve placed a hand on your shoulder and gentle squeezed. "Just think though. Despite it all here you are living. Standing in this kitchen drinking coffee and still breathing."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry there has been such a huge gap. I've been short of time and honestly I'm now kinda at a point of not sure where to take this. I need to have a think! This was my last planned chapter. I have a possible idea for the next one.


	23. Clavical part 23 (mysterious ways)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways  
> Maybe it's all part of a plan
> 
> Ed Sheeran - Thinking Out Load

"Did I hear the word coffee?" A loud voice called out through the kitchen nearly making you jump.

Tony Stark strolled in confidently with hands tucked into his jogging bottom pockets. His hair was ruffled, bags under his red eyes and a creased t shirt. He looked like shit, which you made no hesitation to tell him.

"And good morning to you guys as well. Or should I say good night. Not slept. New project. Exciting and ground breaking yada yada yada." Tony rolled his eyes arrogantly as he spoke. A subtle 'you wouldn't understand' implication. 

"And what are we discussing today then?" Tony changed the conversation as he poured himself a coffee.

"Love and relationships. It's, um my homework." You looked from Tony to the ground almost in embarrassment. 

"Well since you are let's hear your take on it then. The great Tony Stark. Ladies man?" Steve looked almost smug, enjoying putting Tony in the spot light.

"Well, where do I begin. Many a girl has received full satisfaction from my work. But that's not the same as love. Lesson number one don't get lust and love confused. Nothing wrong with a little, um, fun but you have to be in the same train of thought. Feelings from one party but not the other....to messy." Tony pulled a face at the word messy.

"Those are casual encounters. What about love? Real, actual, heart felt love? Something a bit deeper." You were hinting at his relationship with Pepper Potts but didn't want to say her name.

Tony's face took a softer expression, a slight look of sadness in his eyes at the thought of Pepper. He stared into space as he spoke.

"Sometimes things don't work out. You can still care deeply for someone and not be with them. Both parties have to share the burden. A relationship is like a garden. You have to take time to let it grow. Give it some TLC. Fail to water it and it will die. One person can't carry the both, especially if the other is already in a full time relationship with work." 

"That's very poetic of you." A sympathetic smile crossed your face trying your best not to look like a sarcastic grin. This felt so awkward to you. Were you meant to say something? Give him a hug? Tony had just admitted why he failed at keeping the love of his life, not a conversation you usually held with the guy. Even to you it was obvious that it pained him. You pictured if Bucky ended things and walked away from you right now. Would you throw yourself into work like Tony?

"Yeah not just a pretty face. Brains to match the beauty. Right bed time for this dazzling genious. Good luck on your quest of understanding love or whatever this is." Tony tipped his head back finishing off the last of his drink and slammed it down into the sink before heading out of the kitchen.

"So I've learnt that love is complicated and hard work. Starting to sound like it's more of a chore than a fun, magical experience."  You turned to Steve.

Steve sighed.

"You can't explain love in such simple terms. It's something you feel not analysis. When it hurts, it really hurts but when it's good its.... magical. Maybe that's why she wants you to watch romance films. So you can go for a ride with the characters ups and downs since you don't have your own experiences as a basis. I better be heading to training room. Said I'd meet Buck at 10. Pick some films. I'll sit and watch with you. Still have a huge long list of pop culture I'm behind on so maybe pick some classics I've missed? What's the boat one, Titanic? Yeah. That." Steve cringed inwardly. Why did he just volunteer for that? Putting himself alone with you with emotional films. Yeah. Fantastic idea when the girl he basically asked on a cosy date is his friends girl.

"Have fun. Kick his ass for me." You smiled at Steve then went back to deep thought. 

So you couldn't define love? It was something you had to experience? Well with no relationship history you had no experience to learn and build from. What was this homework going to teach you if it's something you have yet to learn? This was making your brain hurt. This is exactly why you didn't like to think to much. Switch off emotions and you don't worry. Heading to your room you went about searching for and listing movies and songs.

Awhile later there was a gentle knock at the door. You stretched as you got up to answer. Opening the door you were met with the friendly, familiar face of Nat. 

"Hi. Fancy lunch? I know of a new place. And I have this."  Nat raised an eyebrow as she held up a credit card between two fingers. 

"Aaaaaand what is that exactly?" You queried.

"It most definitely is not Tony Starks card. Lunch is on him."

"Does he know he's paying?"

"Trust me Y/N. He won't even miss the money."

"Well, if you're sure I'll grab my jacket and put some shoes on." 

Once at the restaurant you sat nervously opposite the red head. The place was surprisingly empty for lunch time which you were thankfull for. The inside had been completely refurbished and was stunning. The walls were red with black furniture. The bar was so shiny and extravagant chandeliers hung above. Each table had a beautiful rose in a small vase. 

"What do you fancy then Nat?" You asked unsure of what to get.

"I'm thinking chicken burger with sweet potatoes frys. Ohh they do a sweet chilli one." Nat replied.

"Sounds good might get the same." 

A waiter came over with your drinks and took your food order leaving you saw awkwardly not knowing what to discuss. Nat started talking taking the pressure off you to think of a conversation topic.

 "I hear your therapy session happened today? How did it go?"

"Oh um surprisingly okay, better than last time. I even have homework."

"Yeah I spoke to the doc, should say she spoke to me. She requested I chat to you. I know from your file when you were first brought here the extent of your injuries sustained. While it may not have happened in such a violent and brutal mannor. I've also had something robbed of me. In the red room...part of the training. They sterilised you. One less thing to worry about. Made you more focused and dedicated knowing that was no longer an option in your future. I can never naturally have a child. I mean I'd have to be with someond first for that to happen but without that end game, I don't even start something." A sorrowful expression took over Nat's face.

"She told me someone on the team was living with infertility but not who. I'm sorry Nat. Does it bother you then? You said about not starting anything?" You were concerned you were prying but Natasha's outburst had been so personal anyway.

"That way I can avoid disappointment down the line. Save myself some heartache when they leave for someone who can give then what they want."

"Are you talking about some one in particular, here Nat?"

"There was a time..I thought there might be something with someone...but it just didn't happen. Life as an avenger. You either grab your chance at love while you can or watch the the gap grow wider and wider and sit doing nothing about it."

"How has it been dating as an avenger?"

"Anyone outside of the team can't even begin to relate to what we do. Ergh sorry I can't see you tonight busy saving New York from invaders."

"What about dating on the team then?"

"Well Y/N I'll be honest nobody on the team has done it before. There are no rules about it as it hasn't happened. As long as it doesn't interfere with day to day work. So no kinky shit on a meeting table or getting it on in the kitchen!"

You blushed and looked down.

"Sorry Y/N. Bit too graphic." Nat continued.

"But um you think it could work then?" You questioned.

"Yeah but it could go easily wrong as well. I guess you can't tell what will happen in the future though. Maybe it would be amazing though. Who better to understand your experiences than a fellow team member. You could find your one true love on the team and both be able to share the experiences."

"Well that would be convenient I suppose." You nervously laughed.

"Maybe not convenience. Meant to be." Nat replied "What if it's part of a plan. People fall in love in mysterious ways. I mean take our waiter for example. What is stopping me and him falling in love now, or being perfect for each other but never meeting. We went to a different restaurant or he called in sick someone else served us. Think about how people are put together sometimes. You gotta wonder.

"WOW Nat. That's very deep. Interesting though." You weren't lieing it was very deep. To deep. Shit. Discussing cosmic forces and destiny. 

You quickly did some mental maths. Everything had been so hectic. You flipping out repeatedly, Buck being taken then sneaking to your room after, fail sex. You had been involved with Bucky an insanely short about of time. In fact it had only been about 18, days since the night you got drunk in the cold on the balcony. That couldn't be right? Could it? 18 days for your life to change dramatically. 18 days for you to have gotten in so deep. How the hell did you let this happen? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've looked roughly over the chapters so I might be out a day or two but there have been so many chapters covering such a short of time in their world! Talk about whirl wind romance!


	24. Clavical part 24 (ghost)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're not dead, but you're not alive, either. You're a wintergirl, Lia-Lia, caught in between the worlds. You're a ghost with a beating heart."
> 
> Taken from some book I have never read but liked the quote.

The rest of the meal with Natasha was a blur. You nodded and spoke at the correct times but inside you were racing. A jumble of thoughts all trying to burst to the surface at once. You didn't recognise yourself anymore. You were not girlfriend material, hell you were hardly person material. You had managed to pull Bucky into the shit you called a life. As if the guy didn't have enough demons you were now another to add to his list. This is what you got for trying to do more than just survive. You had attempted to live. Fool. Bucky deserves to have someone that can make him happy. Underneath his dark brooding exterior he had lightness to him. Bucky deserves someone who would feed that light and let it shine, not you a miserable wretch that would snuff out that flame without even trying. Pathetic. You are pathetic. Waste of God damn space. Look at the trouble you had caused the team. Yeah in 18 days of false living you had three violent incidents. How many more were they prepared to put up with? How long until you hurt someone, or worse yet killed them. You couldn't risk causing such damage.

You were reborn in pain, torment and violence. Baptised in blood. You had emerged from that barn transformed from the innocent child that went in. Like a Phoenix you had risen from the ashes. You can't smooth down the cracks keeping the darkness locked up. You were the fucking darkness. It was time to be who you really were. Playing heros, pathetic. A little girl putting on a princess dress does not make her a step closer to the throne. You putting on the title of Avenger changed nothing. Dress up and make believe, that's all this one. Time to end this little charade and go back to what was your real home. End it now.

Once back at the avenger tower you thanked Nat for the meal and headed to your room. On your desk was a list of films you had in mind to watching.

"Fucking homework Y/N? Really?" You thought to yourself as you crumbled up the paper and flung it on the bed. What a joke. Watch a few lame ass films and be healed? As if. It did not work that way.

It was not to late. You could go before you messed everything up here. Save yourself the hassle of getting kicked out in the long run. You were not worth these peoples mental energy. You were a waste of resources as well. You grabbed a bag hidden away in the bottom of the cupboard. It wasn't like you had many possession anyway, which made the process of packing much easier.  
Everything you owned was flung on the bed as you picked what you needed. Once satisfied you zipped it up and looked around the room. You had to admit, it had been nice staying here. You thought about how you might miss it, but the voice of reason echoed in your mind. It was whispering to go, go now and don't look back. You would be easily replaced with a new possible recruit. One that could merge and be one with the team, not a leech sucking them dry.

You thought briefly about saying goodbye. You hadn't seen Bucky since you had gotten up this morning. Your hurt ached at the thought of not being able to have that one last embrace. This was exactly why you had to get away. This kind of longing was not compatible with the life you were to return to. A small part of you wished him to appear at the door right there and then, catch you in your disappearing act and change your mind. Whisper reassurances in your ear. Maybe a clean break would be best, not even a note. Less heartbreak leaving a dramatic note. A tear started to roll down your cheek. Your body felt heavy and a sick feeling started to rise in your stomach at the realisation of what you were going to do.  You decided to grab one more thing before going, a black T-shirt that Buck had left here. Putting it to your nose you breathed in his musky scent. It smelt like warmth and peace. Like home. The tears started to fall quicker as sobs managed to escape despite trying to hold them back.

Right, it was now or never. You quickly shoved it into the bag, zipped up and headed to the door. It felt like someone else was taking control of your body as you called for a cab as you made your way down the hall to the elevator. Once at the main lobby you looked down at your feet trying not to make eye contact

"Hey! Y/N! Alright?" A male voice called out to you as you just reached the exist.

You looked up and faked a smile at the voice seeing it was Scott Lang, still slightly bruised from your assault. It struck him as odd the tears streaming your face but as you kept on walking he didn't get a chance to press the matter.

Your taxi arrived and you climbed in. You gave the driver an address 30 minute drive away. He was a friendly middle aged balding man who chatted so much you couldn't of gotten a word in even if you tried. Not that you were complaining, you weren't exactly feeling chatty. You learnt every detail about his life in that car journey. From his wives insomnia to his neighbor's dog digging up his grass. You even knew the name of his brothers and sisters, he had a lot. As he spoke you stared out the window wishing the drive faster. Sooner the tower was out of site the sooner it could leave your thoughts. It loomed over you trying to draw you back. 

Digging in your bag you pulled out your money and phone. You swiped up unlocking the phone screen to see a photo of you and Bucky walking in the park. You frowned as you threw it out the car window. You realised they could trace it easily. Next you pulled out your debit card that was linked to your very own 'avenger fund'. Each team member has their own. Food and board was covered by Stark and he generously ensured all the team had money. You knew there was alot still in that account. Each week more money was transferred but with a cap on how much you could spent in one day. From now on you couldn't rely on this fund so out the window that went to. You looked down, inside your bag was all you had left. After this drive you would be left with $20. That's all you would have left if this didn't go as intended. 

The driver pulled up outside of a nightclub. It looked closed at this time of day but a guy on the door suggested some sort of activity inside. You paid the driver and climbed out. You walked confidently up to the guard on the door.

Before you could enter he put his arm across the entrance as a physical barrier.

"Wow pretty lady. Where do you think you are going?" You looked at the gentleman with the Italian accent. He was tanned with thick black hair and a beard. Gold jewellery adorned his neck. Tattoos visible on his face, neck and hands gave him a dangerous look. Not that you were scared in the slightest.

"You must be new," You laughed at the guard "phone Joseph. Tell him it's piccolo fantasma. He will know who that is."

He looked you up and down with his dark brown eyes then reluctantly pulled a cellphone out of his jacket pocket. He dialled a number and spoke to someone in the receiver in Italian. Once he was done he replaced the phone back and removed his arm from the door allowing you entrance. 

"So you are the famous little ghost then. I've heard of you. Thought you were to good for us eh? Well look how the mighty have fallen." He let out a deep laugh mocking you.

In a swift move that he didn't even see coming you grabbed his arm twisting it in an arm lock behind his back. The big bulking guy had no choice but to go down to a kneeling position yelping in shock and pain. You lent down and whispered in to his ear from behind.

"If you know who I am then you know better than to cross me. Want to know why they call me little ghost?" You pushed down causing more pain.

"Erghh. Why? Why do they call you it?" He groaned in pain.

"I can be in and out in the blink of an eye. I can tear you apart and you won't see me coming. Like a ghost I disappear as if I was never there. Well guess what. I have new avenger training up my sleeve, so what have you heard? Now double it. still want to crack a joke at my expense? Thought not." You released his arm leaving him groaning on the floor, rage filled his eyes. You knew you had to watch him. Men didn't take kindly to you being a better gangster than them.

Confidently you strolled into the building and made your way to a back office. You knew where you were going, you had been here many, many times before. In fact this had once been home not all that long ago. Where the name little ghost carried both respect and fear.

You knocked on the office door and waited to hear "entrare" muffled through the door. Once you heard the sign you walked in and sat down at the large desk. The chair on the other side swung round. You were greeted with the fat, bald old man that was known simply as Joseph. Joseph who ran the drug trade here. Joseph who controlled guns in the city. Joseph who owned many businesses in the local area.

"Hello Joseph." You smiled warmly at the man.

"Ahhh my piccolo. How I have missed you. You know I can't get a guy who can fill your shoes? They are all to, clumsy." He replied.

"Well, how about I come back? In a revised role though. Teach these men a thing or two."

"But piccolo, what about your new life? I've followed you, you know."

You sighed not wanting to give an explanation. "I left that life. Came back here."

"Oh Y/N. You are between worlds. I'll tell you why I dubbed you piccolo fantasma. You remind me of a ghost with a beating heart. Here you are in all intensive purposes alive, yet some where along the line you died. I respected your privacy and never asked who killed your soul. I'll happily give your body a home once again to haunt.  Know I wouldn't be so kind to anyone else but you. It is in your eyes piccolo. Such sadness. Even I have a heart ya know? Who am I to break the heart of a lost spirit. You don't have to stay here permanently but you still have to work for your place here like the rest."

And into your old shoes you stepped back into as if you had never left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly this was so spur of the moment I didn't even see it coming. Idea came to me while i was driving. Poor Bucky!


	25. Clavical part 25 (nothing kills a man faster)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing kills a man faster than his own head  
> He used to see dreams at night  
> But now he's just watching the backs of his eyes
> 
> Twenty one pilots - trapdoor

Bucky didn't notice anything out of the ordinary until about 4 o'clock that afternoon. Between training with Steve and testing out some armour for Tony, he had been busy. He picked up his phone checking for a message every two seconds. Obsessively swiping up convinced he had missed a message or phone call knowing full well no such thing had happened. While he was not the 'clingy' or controlling type he was eager to hear from you. Bucky wanted to know how your session went, his last contact with you had been when you had fallen asleep the night before. There had been no immediate drama which he took to be a good sign. No having to pull you off someone or restrain you for one whole week. Would that be considered progress? You had been here how long incident free though then bang, you went off like an emotional grenade with Bucky left holding the pin. As far as he was concerned you had been at lunch with Natasha, which he had heard in a fleeting text from Natasha rather than you, when she informed him to make his own lunch plans. Well, that had been until Natasha strolled into the communal kitchen at 4:30 very much alone. Bucky had been lingering unable to relax so kept hovering between the kitchen and the communal television area. Wanda had gotten sick of his pacing and fidgeting, asking him to either chill out or go somewhere else. She wanted to watch some trashy reality show.

"Have you seen Y/N? How long does lunch taken anyway?" Bucky asked abruptly. He didn't intend to be rude, it was his usual lack of social awareness and worry that made Bucky appear so.

"She came back from lunch a good couple hours ago. It wasn't a long lunch anyway. You checked the gym?" Nat replied in a breezy tone unaware of any concerns. She grabbed a clean glass and filled it with water

"Y/N hasn't been replying to my messages. I assumed she was out so haven't even looked for her here. Thanks." Bucky rushed off to inspect the building. Maybe you were in the gym or in your room. Buckys large frame nearly crushed into Scott on his exist out.

"SHIT MAN!" Scott called out in surprise. "What is with people today, why is everyone in such a rush?"

"What do you mean?" Buck was genuinely confused.

"Well I saw Y/N rushing out the door earlier didn't seem to want to stop and chat. Lovers quarrel?" Scott raised an eyebrow.

Bucky met him with a blank stare oblivious to what he meant.

"She had been crying Bucky. I assumed you had a fight? She had a bag with her and seemed eager get somewhere." Scott was starting to feel apprehensive since Bucky obviously had no idea what on earth he was on about.

"What time was that?" Bucky frowned.

"Umm a little after 2? Why what's wrong?" Concern seeped into Scotts voice.

"I don't know yet." Bucky walked off at a fast pace to the elevator to go to your floor. Scott signalled with a beckoning hand gesture for Nat in the kitchen to come quickly and they took the elevator after.

Scott and Natasha arrived at your floor to see Bucky bashing the door with a clenched fist while calling your name. He was met with an empty silence.

"Here let me try." Natasha pushed Bucky out of the way. Bucky frowned but let her brush him aside

"Please Y/N. If you are in there can you just open up? Welcome to slam the door in our faces but just let us know you are in there?" Nat pressed an ear to the door and also failed to illicite a response. "I don't hear anything. I don't think she's in there."

"Or maybe she is but can't get to the door." Scott murmured instantly regretting the dramatic implications of such words .

Nat stepped aside allowing Bucky to start bashing at the door with a heavy shoulder. Scott just stood to the side watching it unfold jaw slack. On the third attempt at throwing his body at the wood, the door gave way with a large crash. Bucky stepped into the room and did a once over at the scene before him. Dust flew in the air from the now splintered timber.

Bucky collapsed to his knees. The air left his lungs and he forgot to inhale again. His stomach dropped to the floor. His mouth dry. The pain surged through his body as he left out an agonising growl as the realisation hit him like a ton of bricks. Bucky stayed there in a state of shock for what felt like an eternity wrapping his head round the scene before him.The room was a mess, draws and cupboards wide open with clothes spread everywhere. Polar opposites to the neat order you usually enforced on your living space. Not to hard when you lacked many possessions to begin with. The pieces fell together in Bucky's mind.

Natasha searched through the room unfolding your crumpled writing looking for any idea of what happened. There was no note or hint of where you had gone or reasons as to why run away. A sinking feeling of panic set in even in the calm and cool under pressure Nat. Your mental health was hardly the most stable and you had just upped and left with no explanation or warning. Bucky stood up and swiftly punched the wall with such force his metal hand went straight through to the other side. The impact vibrated through the walls. Scott stood open mouthed and wide eyed scared to speak. 

Bucky walked off at a fast pace down the hall with a look of determination. He was going to find you and make sure you were safe. By focusing on the task he pushed down all the emotions he felt coarsing through him. There had to be an explanation. There had been no hint, sign or build up that he had seen to you leaving the Avengers. Leaving him. Something must of happened or someone said something. 

"If it was Wanda..I swear to god..." Bucky thought angrily in his mind.

Scott attempted to walk with Bucky following his impossibly fast pace. A hand on his shoulder stopped him.

"Do you want to get assaulted again, harder this time? Then just leave him. He feels he has to do this." Nat spoke calmly into his ear, the voice of reason in the confusion.

Natasha pulled out her phone texting every single person who needed to be aware of the situation to meet in a meeting room. Code red. Meaning urgent. She headed there herself to wait for the troops to arrive. One by one people filtered in. 

Nick Fury was the last to arrive. He slammed the door behind him causing the murmur of conversation to hush.

"God damnit Romanoff. What's lit such a fire in your ass?" Fury grumbled obviously unhappy to be called in out of the blue.

"It's Y/N Sir. She's gone." Nat informed him.

"Oh? And where is it she has gone to exactly?" Fury had a sarcastic undertone.

"That's the thing, we don't know." Nat replied.

" I was not aware people here weren't allowed something called free will! Probably gone for a run..or out shopping or something." Fury waved his black gloved hand dismissively.

"Perhaps I should be clearer. Y/N was last seen a few hours ago in a state of distress with a bag. Leaving the building. Her room has been emptied out with clothes missing. She had not informed a single person of any intentions to go any where or of any possible destinations. Given her history, she was not wearing an alarm bracelet for no reason. I don't think this is a simple walk around the block for fresh air." Natasha's voice took on a firm tone hoping to convey how serious it could potentially be.

"Okay, I hear you. We don't want any civilians facing her flipping out. She can look after herself it's others I'm concerned about. Any trace on her cell? Any money trail?" Nick enquired to the entire room.

Tony stood up and started addressing the room.

"Her phone has been pinged at a location but not moving. By a roadside not far from here. I'll go get it myself and see what we can recover from it but it's likely been dumped. No record of her using any cards in her name. Her alarm bracelet unfortunately is now out of range to track. I hadn't intended on long distance use. I have software scanning cameras and past footage in the area. If she appears on one, we will know about it." Stark sat back down at the long table.

"So someone please work out where she could have gotten in three hours on a map. This will be our search area." Ordered Fury.

"Unless she has made it to a bus, train or aeroplane. Y/N could be anywhere." Steve pondered out load.

Everyone in the room suddenly realised the enormity of the situation. You could be ANYWHERE. 

Scanning the room Fury notinced some one missing.

"And where is Mr Barnes exactly?" Fury queried.

"Looking for Y/N. I'll go find him." Steve replied, rubbing his temples and the impending stress he knew he was going to receive.

"See that you do. Can't afford another loose cannon out there." Fury sent everyone out in teams of search parties.

They would meet back in two hours. To Bucky it felt like two days not two hours past. As he walked around scanning people he willed you to appear. He kept thinking he had spotted you but no, just someone with similar build or hair colour. Even though the sun was disappearing and the cityscape becoming a flood of artificial light, his feet kept pounding the streets. Over and over they marched in vain one after the other intent on reaching their destination, you.

Bucky made his way back home becoming increasingly agitated at the lack of news. Once back and met with the stark reality of your disappearance he didn't know what to do with himself. One part of his brain remained rational. You were going to walk through the doors any moment and wrap your arms around him. You would fall asleep entwined as if nothing had happened. A warm tangle of arms and legs desperate for the touch of the other. You would kiss him with apologies all over. As the minutes turned to hours the dark portion started taking the lead. What if you were dead somewhere? Or laying hurt somewhere calling out and no one was coming? Surely you wouldn't take your life? Had you gone to visit some sick, distant old relative? Perhaps simply you had absconded to get away from him? You weren't happy with Bucky and felt you had to get away, and so you did. Bucky wouldn't blame you if you did. There couldn't be someone else involved could there? Every single scenario played out in his mind no matter how bizarre and unlikely.

 It was easy to observe how the others avoided him that first night. That first night of your absence was the worst. He still had hope at this point which was more soul destroying than the stark reality. No one spoke to him, a combination of fear and awkwardness. No one knew quite what to say. At 4 o'clock in the morning Bucky found himself on the familiar balcony taking in the familiar view. His memories of you strongest here. He hadn't even attempted sleep knowing it would be a futile attempt to still his mind long enough. Staring at the backs of his eyes was the closest to sleep he going to get. Although unaware yet, it was going to be awhile before he managed a quick exhausted nap. The anxiety and fear coursing through his body. Outwardly he looked his usual calm and brooding self but if you looked into his eyes you could glimpse the inner turmoil. 

Bucky was unaware that Steve and Natasha were inside watching from a distance. Both felt somehow responsible for both you and Bucky. Natasha placed a hand on Steve's broad shoulder. Had Natasha said or done something at lunch? She scolded herself, thinking she should of noticed something. Nat was normally an observant person, but she found both you and Bucky hard to read. She had discovered you used sarcasm and avoidance as a way to avoid giving out anything that could ellude to your thoughts.

"Do we go say something or do something?" Nat queried.

"No. I think best leave him. Nothing we say will change it." Steve replied.

"But this must be driving him crazy? Not talking to anyone must be killing him Steve."

"Nothing kills a man faster than his own brain. He will be beating himself up regardless of what we say or do right now." Steve patted Nat's hand on his shoulder reassuring her it was best to leave him out there.


	26. Clavical part 26 (sleeping sickness)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I awoke  
> Only to find my lungs empty  
> And through the night  
> So it seems I'm not breathing  
> And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be  
> And I'm breaking down, I think I'm breaking down
> 
> And I'm afraid  
> To sleep because of what haunts me  
> Such as living with the uncertainty  
> That I'll never find the words to say  
> Which would completely explain  
> Just how I'm breaking down
> 
> Someone come and, someone come and save my life  
> Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead  
> But now it's like the night is taking sides  
> With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind  
> Could it be this misery will suffice?
> 
> I've become  
> A simple souvenir of someone's kill  
> And like the sea  
> I'm constantly changing from calm to ill  
> Madness fills my heart and soul as if the great divide could swallow me whole  
> oh, how I'm breaking down
> 
> City and colour/Dallas green - sleeping sickness

Meanwhile as the team tried to find you, which proved a futile attempt, you settled back into your role beside Joseph. Joseph liked having you around as a personal body guard. Not that he left himself open to such attempts on his life. Heavily guarded at all times he felt safer with your precense. He had his footmen to see to the everyday tasks of gun running and drug exchanges. Joseph focused on management, over seeing all of the business and social relations. The only time Joseph was ever at real risk would be during negotiation meetings. If you sat looking pretty in the corner of his office people assumed the large man next to him was the body guard while you, just, well who knows what they thought. The point was they would look at you and not think. They didn't realise in a graceful flash you could elegantly disarm them, render them unconscious and if it warranted it, even end them. They wouldn't see it coming. Eventually though you became well known enough in the right circles that people would look at you and hope YOU didn't notice THEM. Fear and awe would enter their eyes. A lesser person could easily become power hungry and egotistical but no, not you. You were not in it for the thrill or infamy. It made a lonely existence but that suited you to be left alone as you had not sought the companionship of others. You just wanted food, warmth and a roof over your head. This lifestyle was about survival not domination.

People were down right scared of you, frightful of being on the receiving end of an elegant blade. This had been one of the requirements of your return. You didn't want to do any dirty work. You would happily defend yourself and Joseph but were less inclined to dish out a death sentence. To your surprise Joseph was willing to accept this term. Your reputation was enough for him. It worked to deter people and Joseph was just happy to see you back. Joseph saw it as your return to the family. You didn't necessarily approve of the business, but you had to respect Joseph. Joseph was a man of his word and his honour. If he made a promise it would be kept and he was honest in his transactions. The only people that disappeared or 'roughed up' were those stupid enough to cross him. Those that should of known better and no fault lie but with themselves and their dishonest intentions. This was a far more respectable approach than others in the same line of work, you knew that and made a compromise with your values you felt necessary. No one was going to provide anything for you but you. You had to work for it.

Your first night in the small room in the club that you called yours seemed to last an eternity. Joseph had ensured the lodgings were well equipped as you had quickly risen in his ranks and in his esteem. Although offered a private apartment you declined saying it was best to stay close at hand 24/7 on call. Really you didn't feel worthy of such benefits and insisted a man on his staff and his pregnant wife be housed there. A tiny but private and luxurious bathroom had been installed leaving room for a double bed, a wall mounted television opposite, a book shelf and a chest of draws. You had requested to be left alone for this first night which had been respected. You were unsure what to do with yourself once you had unpacked your few belongings. Counting down until sleep would take you over. Staring at the television screen with eyes glazed over and guilt weighing you down. All you wanted was to switch off. 

You looked down at your top pulling non existent 'fluff' off of your clothing. Your eyes fell to your wrist. In your spur of the moment decision this had escaped your attention. Still very much adorning you was the monitor Stark had fitted you with. You wondered if they were able to track you. What if they had tracked you but were not actually concerned to check up on you. They didn't care enough. Or maybe they hadn't even thought of tracking you. Perhaps they were relived at your disappearance, saved them all sorts of long term hassle. The thought crossed your mind that had they even noticed you were gone. Surely this would not have gone unnoticed by Buck.

As your mind fell to him you started to cry. The hot, salty tears started as a trickle but soon turned into a stream. The wrist monitor a physical reminder of what you had done. The enormity of it hit you hard. Frantically you tried to get the wrist band off. Pulling and pulling at it, trying to manipulate your hand smaller to slide it off. The metal digging in drawing blood, but you were oblivious to the pain. When you admitted defeated you let out a loud sob of pure emotional aching. You reached for your only prized possession, the T-shirt of Bucky's you had taken. Crying into it to muffle your cries. The familiar scent brought a sense of comfort.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Buck."  You repeatedly called out before eventually falling asleep hugging the T-shirt of Buck's.

A further day passed in your absence by the time Bucky eventually retired to his room to rest. 34 hours of constant worry. Where were you? Were you safe? It had been ruled that active search for you would cease. Fury stated if you wanted to leave of your own accord then that was your wish. No foul play had been suspected and if you wanted to be found they would of found you. While no one was happy with this decision they can't really argue. No one had a better plan or idea and it was true, your wishes had to be respected. Monitoring of security footage was to be scanned with facial recognition software. Eyes and ears were very much still open regarding any rumors or sightings of you though. 

Eventually disturbed sleep took over him. Anxious, realistic dreams and memories turned into haunting nightmares. An image of you filled his brain help against your will in a barn. Unspeakable things being inflicted on you. He awoke suddenly ripping himself out of the horrors. It felt like his lungs were empty as if he had forgotten to breath.  This dream that filled his sleeping state for the time to come was not what he was supposed to be thinking of. He should of been dreaming of his time with you. Each night that passed was the same. Bucky became scared and extremely reluctant to give in to sleep. Each dream seemed to be breaking him down further. Even in a waking state the worries continued to occupy the back of his mind. It felt like he would never truly peacefully sleep again until he died permanently silencing it all. 

Bucky stopped his own personal search on day four. Guilt stabbed at him like it was a sign of him giving up. He would never give up on you. Even if you felt nothing for him Bucky just needed to know what was going on. He loved you and that had not suddenly changed. Bucky felt ashamed at his selfish wishes. Bucky wanted to feel your kisses warm on his stubbly cheek your arms soft as they wrapped round him. Animal instincts craved you physically. Bucky longed to experience your body. 

Between day four and day six Bucky had not been seen out of his room.  Everyone had been giving him space but life continued for the rest of the team. Missions and training resumed. The hours ticked by but the state of quiet torment seemed timeless in Bucky's room.

Steves knocks at the door and plates of food left outside, both ignored. Responsibility for Bucky unofficially fell on him. He knew madness was threatening to swallow Bucky whole as it filled his heart and soul. What could he do though? Only one person right now could save Bucky and it certainly was not him.

 


	27. Clavical part 27 (I asked for death instead I'm awake)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You must've made some kind of mistake  
> I asked for death, but instead I'm awake  
> The devil told me "No room for cheats"  
> I thought I sold my soul, but he kept the receipt
> 
> Bring me the horizon - Doomed

It had just been an entire month back in the employment of Joseph when you found yourself perched on the edge of a chair in Joseph's office. You sat with legs crossed and your hands interlaced as they clasped your knee. The boss had a meeting with some new players on the scene. He had stressed to everyone involved the value of this possible 'friendship'. The term implying something of a friendly nature when Joseph was eager to prevent all out war. He cared for his employees and his city, he didn't wish blood shed. His humble office had received a spring clean. A new carpet had been laid and new luxory chairs purchased. Joseph was not by nature a showman, he detested needless shows of wealth. A certain standard was expected however to show he was the real deal. This polished exterior was to be extened to you also. Joseph politely explained how you were to fit the part of pretty groupee with a make over.

So there you were in an elegant black dress and black heels, gold dripping from your wrists and elegantly manicured fingers.  A deep red shade of lipstick have you a dark, sultry pout. Divine yet completely unaware how you captivated the men around you. Such a contrast between this and the tank top, jeans and biker boot combo you were much more familiar with. A knock at the door instantly snapped your head in that direction. In entered two very large, very muscular Russian men. You had to bite your lip to stop from laughing at home stereotypical they looked. They instantly noticed you that was for sure. Joseph was making them wait. A tactic to appear important and in demand, he would never normally dream of making a guest wait for his arrival. It was rude and showed poor time keeping. 

You sat listening to their conversation that flicked between Russian and English. The majority of the Russian you could understand, it was mostly insignificant insults of the guy stood with a large gun in the other corner. Another new addition just for this occasion. That was until the conversation turned to a more personal matter: you.

"Look at her. Desperate for some." The taller man spat out in his mother tongue while eye fucking you.

"Hmm tasty. What a waste of....talents here. I'm sure we could put her to better use,"  replied the other Russian. "Fucking slut, I bet she can't wait to get pounded. What do you think? Think she's part of the show being put on? Think that's why she's here, we get a free ride as a token of friendship. Free tasty pussy."

You had felt your heartbeat pounding at their words, outwardly remaining calm and collected mainting the aura of ignorance. Until that last sentence was uttered from his vile mouth. An image flashed into your brain. In the barn. That Russian vernacular spat directly into your ear as you were held down and thrust upon. The words echoed in your mind entwining horrific past with the present. 

In an instance where you were not aware of your actions you rushed at the shorter, sleazy gangster. A thud ran out filing the room as you slammed his large frame into the wall. His associate stared open wide in disbelief, in a state of confusion and shock he didn't think to help his partner. He just watched as it unfolded. The restrained pale skinned man started to flush a darker and darker pink as you held him up with both your hands pressing into his neck. You heard him gasping for breath as you apply more pressure to his wind pipe. Such anger and rage it consumed your triggered brain. You were momentarily lost in the throes of red hot hatred.

The door open and in entered Joseph who looked wide eyed in confusion at the scene he had interrupted. Calmy Joseph walked up to your side taking control of the situation eager to diffuse it. 

 "Piccolo," Joseph spoke in a gentle yet warning tone. "Put him down. Please. I have a meeting that a corpse was not invited to."

At the calm words your contorted facial expression reverted back to your previous blank expression. You turned to look at Joseph calmly snapping back to back to reality. You drop the man and his body crumpled in a spluttering heap to the floor. In-between gasps you head him utter "fucking crazy bitch", as if nothing had happened you returned to your previous spot in the corner observing. Joseph apologised profusely as he helped the man to his feet. Once he had established what had transpired he dismissed you from the business meeting.  He should of been mad at you, he wanted to be. After all you had received the same lecture as everyone else to be on best behavior yet he was secretly happy. The Russians knew now he ment business and it was entirely their own fault. The legend of piccolo fantasma had now been witnessed first had.

 After the meetingJoseph called in one of the men employeed at the club to his office. He motioned for the tall, skinny dark haired man to sit down in the leather chair opposite him.

"So John, you were here alot of shifts. How has Y/N been getting on? Does she venture out of her room yet?" Joseph was shuffling paperwork on his desk into piles as he spoke.

John looked obviously nervous about being pulled in for this encounter with the boss. He was unsure if there was a right or wrong answers. Would you angered at his response to your mutual employer? Ratting on you almost. John was not wanting to out himself in your line of site. Joseph was certainly expecting an answer there and then. John sighed and decided to just come out with it.

"At night. I hear crying, it comes from her room. Its depressing. I don't mean a quick little tantrum. It goes on and on. During the day she looks ready to snap any second. Only time she has left her room so far is to work her shift outside your office. She's scaring the men Joseph." John looked down at his feet to avoid eye contact at the admission.

Joseph didn't reply at first. His focus still on the mess on his desk. John didn't realise he had been holding his breath until his boss finally replied.

"Ahh perhaps our little ghost isn't such a ghost after all. Maybe her heart has once again started beating, bring life back to her shell. Soul destroying emotions are still emotions of the living not a zombie. She was less terrifying as a zombie. Emotions adds unpredictably and that is why people fear her.. Thank you John, you may go. Come to me if the situation changes."  Joseph waved him off with a dismissive flick of his wrist.

After John had shut the door Joseph allowed himself to rub his hand across his face, rubbing across his tense eye and forehead area. You were causing tension with business associates and employees. You were scaring the people you were meant to be working with. That was certainly not good for morale. At least shutting yourself off ment that you were not getting yourself or anyone else into trouble. Was the social isolation healthy though? Something was causing you immense pain to still be distraught after a month. You had survived hardships yet had not shed a tear previously so why now? What exactly had caused you to return back a broken soul? You were a puzzle to Joseph. A bright, beautiful being that had been shattered then assembled back again only duller. Now you were missing even more puzzle pieces making you to incomplete to be considered a functional human being.

* * *

 

Steve didn't know what to do with Bucky. He just will not talk to him or anyone else for that matter. If you thought he was dark and brooding before, well, he had now perfected the tortured soul look. His eyes looked like he was ready to cry or punch someone any second. Unpredictable and wild. He threw himself into training just to make the clock tick faster. He spent the majority of the day in the gym or out running. Bucky was huge thanks to the super soldier serum before this, but he was even stronger now. Bucky was first to volunteer for any mission, he genuinely didn't care about his safety anymore out there in the field. He had become daring and reckless. Admittedly, he didn't endanger anyone else but he had complete disregard for himself. 

Steve didn't admit it to a soul, he barely let himself acknowledge it himself. He missed you. He missed you more than he should. Flashes would enter his brain, the way your eyes lit up in a genuine smile or the memory of you arm in arm with him.  Steve mentally pleaded with you. Just a message to say you were safe. You were happy. Anything. But you were just gone without a trace. The ghost of you lingering in the tower. No one spoke your name other than in hushed whispers, especially around Bucky. He would enter a room and entire conversations would just stop, not that Bucky even noticed. One member gone. One member there in body but not entirely there in spirit. Steve himself distracted. A generally unpleasnt atmosphere. Cracks were starting to show which did not go unnoticed when Thor paid a visit to the team. You could tell that he could not wait to leave the tension proving hard to stay professional. You had various team members wondering had they played a part in your disappearance. Conversations were replayed in people's heads looking for any clue or hint as a way of explanation.

It was decided that one weekend everybody was to be excused from work in the hope it would help relax everyone. Bare minimal work was to be done. Enough to keep an eye on everything to ensure nothing big happened. Programs set monitoring information all over the world would alert everyone if the need arised. The Avengers team and any staff working in the tower were encouraged to make use of facilities like the gym and sauna. Some chooe to see family. Some reminded in the building enjoying doing absolutely nothing. Steve had convinced Bucky to skip the gym for a day and indulge. Bucky didn't know how to 'indulge' but he tried. He didn't enjoy the pizza Steve ordered to indulge, he didn't enjoy the full body massage Steve arranged and he was now not enjoying the film that Steve convinced him to watch. Steve was really trying with Bucky but the day had emotionally drained him. Days like this Steve mentally swore at you for leaving him to pick up the pieces.

That was where Wanda found him on the Saturday evening in the communal lounge area. Because after all, Steve insisted Bucky not barricade himself in his room, it had to be watched in a social area. Bucky sat stiff like a statue on the couch. Hands rested on knees, his fingers splayed evenly slightly tensed digging into his trousers, his eyes small unfocused slits as he stared at the screen. Wanda walked in the room and smiled when she observed Bucky there on his own. She sashayed across the room to the large couch and sat next to him.

She attempted conversation but Bucky just replied with one word mono tone answers. Wanda started to become frustrated as she made no progress with the winter soldier icey exterior. As she slide closer to him on the sofa her knees brush against his gently which didn't even get her message across. Wanda looked at him and admired the site. He was glorious to look at his body a work of art. She was going to have to be a bit more obvious to get what she wanted.

Wanda lent in with no hesitation and slide her hand through his dark hair as she whispered into his ear. She exaggerated her accent attempting to be seductively.

"I know you do not sleep much any more. Let me help you." Her tongue flicked out slightly grazing against his ear. He turned to her and glared, not making any responsed for quite a few seconds. Wanda stayed in position as she nervously waited for a response slightly biting at her lip seductively.

Before she even realised what was happening he had grabbed her and pulled her into his lap. Bucky delved in kissing her aggressively. Tongue forcefully entering her mouth and forcing her mouth to open wide. Bucky had a hand on each hip grinding her into his aching groin. Deeper and harder he shoved her rhythmicly into him. Bucky bite down on her lip causing her to cry out. He was oblivious or just didn't care as he continued by nipping down her neck. One hand came up and forced her head in place, locked in a rough, fast kiss. The other in one swift movement pulled down the neckline of her top exposing her bra. Bucky roughly assaulted her breast with his hand. Gropping and pulling. He felt her nipple harden under his grasp. Bucky wasn't even interested in her enjoyment and didn't seek any approval as he pulled her top down further. There was nothing loving or gentle about any of this. This was pure emotions. Hatred, anger and animalistic lust. He was burying himself into the experience to switch off his brain. A momentary distraction and release. Sell his soul for a moment of peace. 

Wanda pulled away taking a breath needing to regain her composure as she struggled with the intensity. She panted, her top ripped and hair a mess but Bucky wasn't even looking. She stroked her hands over his shoulders down his arms finding his hands. She placed them once again on her hips. 

"Well isn't this something. Even better than I pictured," She laughed breathlessly. "I bet you have already forgotten about Y/N huh? I always knew this would happen eventually, you and me. Please take me Bucky I'm all yours. Open your self to me. Your mind and soul. Your body."

Buckys eyes snapped to her face in a fierce glare as he regained his senses. He reached up and grabbed her face leaving her unable to speak as his fingers pressed into her cheeks. He pulled her close to his face.

"Don't you ever speak her name. You think I'd ever sell my soul to YOU." He spat into her face then released his grip throwing her back slightly.

Wanda's eyes were wide with shock, paralyzed by fear she didn't move as Buckys angry eyes bore into her. Bucky had thought for a moment this could of been the death of his over worked brain, just momentarily. Switch off and let events unfold. instead here he was, very much alive still. Who was he to get lucky enough to have a five minute reprieve from the darkness, no that was cheating though. That's not how it works. Once the devil has you in his clutches your dark thoughts are all his.

At that moment Steve walked in to what he thought was an intimate moment.

"Woah! I am sorry about that, I will um, leave you to it." Steve sounded embarrassed.

Steve was about to walk back out of the room when Wanda quickly and without a word got up off of Bucky. She practically ran out the door one hand rubbing at her face while the other clutched her ruined clothing covering her chest.

"I'm sorry if I interrupted Bucky." Steve frowned unsure of what exactly had occurred.

"Don't worry, you didn't." Bucky sounded angry and hostile. His eyes looked like pure hatred right now which actually terrified Steve. 

Without another word Bucky stood up and marched out leaving Steve alone in the darkened room and the blaring T.V suddenly sounding deafening in the empty void.


	28. Clavical part 28 (before you're sick)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reach up from that soil  
> Pull yourself out of your grave  
> Everything you need is already in reach  
> How long will you keep on suffering  
> Before you're sick  
> How long will you keep on suffering  
> Before you're sick
> 
> Senses fail - all you need is already within you

Over the following week reports were still reaching Joseph's ears of tears being heard at night. He had been concerned at first but now it began to trouble him further and his soft spot for you didn't help. He had tried to respect your privacy and your secretive ways but Joseph decided it was enough, you were obviously miserable. Exiting his office and ensuring it was locked for the night, Joseph decided he would bite the bullet and speak to you now before he headed to his own home for the evening. He briefly wondered if he should invite you to move into his rather rage and rather empty house, he had enough room. How would that look though? No no no, that would not do at all. An older man inviting a much younger, damaged women to live with him. Joseph did not want anyone getting the wrong idea, his intentions to you were pure and of fatherly concern. Plus the men already disliked the favouritism without adding fuel to the fire.

Joseph headed to your room at the club instructing his body guard to go await his return in the car. This way there would be no eaves dropping. Joseph gently knocked on the door awaiting a response. You opened the door to him and the sight shook his heart. You had no make up on and the least flattering outfit. Bags under your eyes and a sallow complexion did nothing for your appearance. It was almost like you were disappearing to your grave Infront of his eyes. When did it get this bad? How did he not notice? How long were you going to keep on like this until you were sick?

"May I come in piccolo?" Joseph asked softly.

You didn't even bother to reply, you just walked off and sat on the edge of the bed leaving Joseph to shut the door. You stared blankly at him awaiting a reason for his presence.

Joseph gingerly sat on the edge of the unmade bed. He scanned around the room noticing it was just as haggered as your appearance with empty cups and clothes strewn everywhere.

He sighed before speaking. "My little ghost what troubles you so? You cry at night? You won't do certain...jobs anymore. I'm happy to give you a pass. No one else would get such treatment remember that piccolo. What have you run away from?"

Your eyes snapped to his surprised at how direct and foreward he has been. Also an element of panic swept across you, you did not want a heart to heart. Joseph was your boss and you worked hard at maintaining a professional distance.

"Well I got um to close that was all...." Your voice petered out attempting to be purposely vague. You hoped this would satisfy Joseph's curiosity but the look on his face told you no.

"Annnnddd was this someone a .... man?.....Or purhapse even a women? I mean these days, it is um, more accepting of such ways." Joseph awkwardly sped up as he spoke the personal question. He continued speaking before you could reply. 

"If you have something in your heart that causes you such obvious pain, if there is a way to reverse such pain then do it. If not hold your head high piccolo and don't dwell. Dwelling and ruminating is bad for the soul. You are to pretty to be sad. You are human piccolo don't be scared to live like one. You were not meant to be a ghost so early. Ghosts are for those who have passed yet here you stand before me still the living ghost I first met. I hoped under my employment the colour would return to you the pale shade. It hasn't. Care to tell my what has done this to you?"

"A man Joseph. My cold pale shade met a man of hidden demons. Heat and rage simmering under his skin of flesh and metal."  You were unaware of a sparkle in your eyes as you spoke of Bucky, even though you could not speak his name.

Joseph placed a hand under his chin and fiddled with his facial hair as he thought of a response to your admission.

"Well piccolo, either the cold can put out the heat or the heat will displace the cold. The third option is they meet in the middle and become something you can live comfortably with. They compliment each other rather than ravage each other." Joseph gentle reached out a hand to stroke your hair. He knew from witnessing your reactions to others caution to be advised. Part of him hoped he had been enough of a father figure that you would let him and he was pleased when you did not pull away or worse, attack. You sat silently taking in his words.

 "Don't let pride, ego or fear get in the way.  Listen to a story piccolo. There was once a young man in Italy. He lived a boring and simple, but normal life. Food on the table, roof over the head. He had a girlfriend in the village named Maria. Now, his and Maria's head had been filled with dreams of American. The illusion of America. Where a man could experience life and make memories and money. So off him and Maria went on a boat. The boat took them here and they soon realised it was not what they had been promised. Long hours for little pay. Now, Maria had family here. An uncle. He was not a good man this uncle. This uncle convinced the boy to start work in the family business. Maria did not like her now husband doing this line of work. She pleaded and pleaded with him to get out now. He didn't listen. One day he came home to find Maria gone. Maria was with child. A girl. Off back to Italy she took her yet to be born child. I never saw Maria again. I never got to meet my only child. If I could turn back time I'd have listened to her. I have lived with that regret. Don't make my mistake." Joseph let out a sigh at his admission, very few people knew this story, even less of them alive. He stopped stroking your hair and let his hand rest on his lap.

Joseph stood up to leave hoping his words had sunk in. Before turning the door handle he continued talking in his accented calming tone.

"Happiness is fleeting in this life my girl. If you find it don't be scared to embrace it. I know who was at the fight. Nothing escapes my eyes certainly not a red haired avenger lurking in the shadows. Black Widow I believe she is called? If she was there watching you it means there is a chance you can go back. You think if they didn't care they would of sniffed you out? I will not begrudge your decisions. Remember that this room and your place will always be open here. As much as I would hate for you to leave, if you are still here in the morning I think it will break my heart more. Plus my associates get nervous at the idea of Avengers at there place of business." Joseph smiled at you letting you know he was not mad in anyway at you being followed to his business.

You frowned for a second unsure how to respond as you took in the new information. "Joseph? Was she really at the fight last night? You aren't just saying that trying to push me?"

"Yes piccolo. They really made my men uneasy, trust me you were being watched. They have not forgotten you, how could anyone forget you girl." Genuine compassion for you filled Joseph's smile as he left you alone with your thoughts.

 

* * *

One night previously.

 The roudy crowd parted as you made your way to the boxing ring. Your heart beat fast and loud in your ears as adrenaline surged through your system. You had found the underground fights held by Joseph's men a perfect outlet for your inner turmoil. Beat your willing aponant to a bloody pulp, sleep much better that night for it. Ducking through the ropes you took in your foe for the match. You were up against a large tattoed man who stood huge Infront of you. But you will win. You always do. Briefly you scan the room as the audience whooped and cheered. Before your eyes can make it out a flash of red is gone. So quick you assume you are mistaken. In the crowd it could be anyone. Turning back to the man Infront of you you smiled devilishly knowing this was going to be fun. The mystery man looked confused at your grin. It sent shivers down him as he knew you meant business from that smirk

* * *

 Back at the Stark tower Nat called a meeting the moment she entered the building well aware of how late it was. People would grumble but they would want to hear this. Her boots clicked and clacked on the polished floor as she stomped her way to the meeting room. Natasha found she was the first one there and paced up and down as everyone filed in one by one in various states of fatigue. Wanda especially didn't hide the look of annoyance on her face at being called upon at this hour.

Last one to arrive was Tony, who was vocal in his dislike of being interrupted from work.

"This is important enough to have to speak to us all this time of night?" Steve asked politely not intending to sound as angry as the others looked.

 "You'll want to hear this guys, trust me, especially Bucky." Nat replied firmly, as if warning everyone not to complain now.

"Why me?" Bucky frowned at the mention of his name.

Without replying Nat pressed a button on her wrist while aiming it at the whiteboard at the head of the table. A surprisingly clear image projected on yo the board. A crystal clear recording of a large crowd and a rather brutal fight. Everyone winced at the knock out blow as a large figure was sent to sleep in the middle if the ring.

"Is that.....?" Buckys voice trailed off not finishing his question. It was clear who was on the screen.

Nat turned to the surprised Bucky and smiled.

"I found her, it's her." She said confidently.

 "Soooo, what do we do about it?" Hawkeye pipped up from the corner

"We go get her." Steve answered.

 


	29. Clavical part 29 (kiss you goodbye)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I didn't want to kiss you goodbye — that was the trouble — I wanted to kiss you good night — and there's a lot of difference.”
> 
> Ernest Hemingway

 Joseph nodded to his man on the club door as he entered the club ready for a full day of work a head of him. Joseph always made sure to greet every single person who worked for him. His body guards and hit men were treated with the same respect as the glass collector and cleaner. Everyone had their role to play and he appreciated all of their hard work. Happy employees were good employees. He took pride in not being like previous "managers" of this business. They were like a family. With a coffee in each hand he made his way to your room eager to find out your decision. With no free hands he didn't knock, just called out through the door.

"Piccolo. Hey Y/N? Got your favourite coffee here for ya. 'cos I'm good like that. Now open up get it while it's hot."

No response.

"Well little Piccolo I'm coming in now just to let you know." 

Joseph turned to the man at his side.

"Hey Eddie mind opening the door?" Joseph slightly lifted the cups in his hands gesturing to his man he had no free hands.

Eddie turned the handle then opened the door allowing Joseph entry. His eyes scanned the room. The place was neat and tidy but your few possessions were obviously gone. Joseph smiled and let out a slight "ha" noise. You had done it. You had actually gone and done it. Joseph in the moment felt his heart swell knowing you were out living your life somewhere with someone rather than stagnating here in this club, with and old man like him and goons such as Eddie. He hoped whereever you were you found the happiness you deserved. Joseph did feel a pang of sadness as well, he was going to worry about you find once again. Almost like a child moving away. He knew you had to fly the nest but it was hard to let go of a broken bird he and tried to tuck under his wing. 

"Hey Joseph, what's this?" Eddie picked up a handwritten note left on the bed.

"I dunno Eddie, you read it to me."

In his thick New York accent Eddie started to read. "It says. 'To Joseph. Thank you. For everything. You have done much more for me than I deserve. I'm hoping I've not fucked everything up. I'll come by and see you soon . I won't leave it so long this time. Sorry I can't kick ass for you anymore, I think the Avengers would frown on it. Piccolo.' That's it doesn't say where she is or why." Joseph shrugged as he put it back down on the bed.

Joseph thrust the coffee into Eddie's hand.

"Well don't let good coffee go to waste. She knows where we are if she needs us. Keep the room empty, you know, just in case." Joseph turned around and walked out ready to face a day of business knowing you had been set free. 

* * *

 

Nat walked into the gym where she knew he would be, where he had been spending alot of his time trying to pass the hours. She didn't beat around the bush and prepare him.

"Bucky. I have someone here to see you.'

"Who is it? I don't feel like chatting."

"I promise it's someone you will want to see."

Bucky had his back turned to Nat as he rhythmically punched away at a punching bag suspended from the ceiling. Reinforced specially for Bucky and Steve it could handle the strength of the supersoldiers, and boy was it taking a beating now and he wasn't even breaking a sweat. Bucky turned around and stared in shock to see you standing behind Natasha. He didn't say a word. Just stood there jaw slack in disbelief.

Nat stepped sideways to allow you to walk foreward then made a swift exit. Nat wasn't really sure how this was going to go down and thought it best to respect your privacy. Without even realizing it you whispered Buck's name as you walked tentatively to him. He looked a complete exhausted mess. Physically he was huge but his face and eyes looked frail and weak. Buckys eyes were ringed with dark shadows matching the shadow of dark stubble that adorned his face. A stab of pain and guilt pierced your heart knowkng you were the cause. You did this, no one else. Your actions alone brought a man of such strength to such sorrow. When you reached him Buck nervously placed a hand on each side of your face, gently and tenderly cupping you as if you were fragile China ready to smash any second. If he pressed to hard you would crumble in his hands. He took a deep breath in.

"This can't be real. Tell me you are really here." He whispered.

You turned your head ever so slightly and kissed his hand. "Feel that. I'm here. You're not dreaming."  
It was as if time melted away under his touch. Like you hadn't been apart at all. You collapsed into his arms. Bucky instinctively caught you and held you tight. Terrified you might disappear again. You let yourself feel secure in his warm embrace. The first time you felt at peace since you had left. Everything was suddenly right with the world. You were where you belonged. You were home.

 "I knew they found you. Nat only told us two nights ago she had found you. I didn't think they would convince you to come back so soon." Bucky gently pushed you away at arm's reach looking into your eyes. "I hadn't prepared myself for this just yet. I wasn't sure you would even want to come back with Nat."

Buckys face turned into a frown. The sudden mood changes stabbed at your stomach with panic. The atmosphere of the room changed instantly with Bucky uttering that one sentence. 

"I, I, I came back. I came home. Nat didn't have to come and get me to convince me. I came back myself without her. Some else gave me a slight nudge I admit but don't worry I'm home now."

"Don't worry?!" Buckys voice boomed through the empty gym echoing. "Don't tell me not to worry. All I god damn well did was worry. For days, weeks. Living in limbo. I was not ready for you to come back as I hadn't been ready for you to leave in the first place. You have been gone longer than I had you for.

Your eyes opened wide with shock as you stood frozen as Bucky shouted. This was not the homecoming you expected. 

"I know it happened to quick and, and I panicked and ran. But I'm here. I'm home." You took a step forward looking into Buckys eyes and moved your lips to kiss him. To your surprise Bucky stepped back. He completely disengaged from the kiss before it even had happened.

"You know what Y/N. You know what fucking hurt?! The last time I saw you. You got up before I did. But the night before when I kissed you goodnight. I didn't know that was going to be a kiss good bye. There's a difference and I didn't want it to be a goodbye kiss. Yet it was and I've been left with that memory playing on my mind. That fact torturing me. So forgive me for not being able to pick up as we left off."

Bucky marched aggressively out of the gym saying all that he had to say to you at this time after crushing your high hopes for a reunion. This had never even crossed your mind as a possibility. How stupid of you to think he would welcome you with open arms. Your heart beat in your chest and your chest heaved as you breathed shallow panic stricken gulps of air. Bucky had left you distraught just like you had left him. Karma at its finest.


	30. Clavical part 30 (just be friends)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "we looked at each other a little too long to just be friends."

Picking up your packed meager belongings you rushed out of the gym. Heart pumping, emotions surging. You kept them at bay desperate to keep it together. Frantically hitting the buttons on the lift while muttering "hurry up" under your breath.  You had to keep it together until the privacy of your quarters. Nat had told you they were left clean and ready for if you returned. It surprised you that they seemed to be letting you just step back in. You had put them all through so much shit since you had stopped keeping a lid on your emotions.

When you first came here you were cold and robotic. Distant to the point of hardly existing. Eyes down mouth shut  focus on getting through the day best way you knew how. Thing is you had no idea how impressive you were. You weren't a supersoldier. You hadn't the years of training Nat had. Yet you were something alright. Strong yet graceful and fast. A deadly swift ballerina. Yeah violence had become a way of survival, but there was more to it than that. Even before the horrific events of the barn you had excelled at sports and gymnastics. You reminded yourself that was the reason they welcomed you with arms seemingly wide open. You could be used as an asset by the avengers. You could serve a purpose and they were curious as to what and who you were. That's all anyone ever wanted from you, to use you. Dress it up as much as you wanted and that's all you would ever be good for.

Reaching your room you slammed the door behind you. You refused to let the hot tears escape that were teetering on the edge. You had to keep it together. Bury it deep like you use to before Bucky unlocked a part of you. Old you would be shouting at the new you to pull yourself together. Kicking off your shoes and removing your jacket you crawled under the covers fully clothed not caring enough to undress. You felt suddenly exhausted and drained. It didn't take long for sleep to wash over you and take you away.

You awoke suddenly. It was dark now and you at first didn't remember where you were. Confused you sat up and looked around your eyes adjusting to the lack of light. A knock at your door very light but it had been enough to wake you.

"Hey Y/N. It's me. Is this a good time?" A male voice called out through the solid door.

"Steve?" Your voice groggy and croaky from sleep as it rang out in reply.

"Yeah it is. Did you want me to go? I can come back."

"No no it's fine. Come in the door should be unlocked." 

Steve slowly opened the door and slowly entered as if you were a frightened animal at risk of bolting. Very careful he clicked the door shut behind him. His body language screamed awkward as he stood in the door way. Reaching over you switched on a bedside light. Soft lighting but more than enough to see.

"Come. Sit." You patted the bed next to you sensing Steve's uncertainty. He complied happy you took that first step breaking the ice.

"So long time no see." Steve smirked, the bed dipping under his weight as he perched on the edge of the mattress. "How are you?"

"Yeah I'm good. I think....Well no Steve. I've fucked everything up. It's all fucked. Because of me. It's not okay really is it? I should be thankful this room was still here for me at least."

"This room was kept empty for you. No one stayed even just the night. It wouldn't of seemed...right. You haven't um, messed up that badly. It can be fixed." Steve tried to sound reassuring.

"Tell that to Bucky. Think I've done some damage there."

"Bucky doesn't really talk to me. Yeah you did a number on him though. Truth by told, he wasn't the only one to miss you. I mean we all were concerned. Up and gone with not so much as a hint? Yeah we were worried."

You laughed slightly.

"Sorry, I know it's not a joke. Still not use to anyone being concerned for me. It's still a novelty. You are probably just being polite anyway. I'm sure certain people who's name begins with the letter W were glad to see me go. Probably pissed on her fire the fact I'm back."

"Y/N." Steve looked at you dead in the eye. "People care about you here. They do."

Slowly his hand reached across the crumbled bed sheets and rested on yours. Neither of you broke eye contact. Your eyes remained locked together in an intense stare. Your heart started to beat slightly faster as you felt the warmth of his skin on yours. Unaware you were doing so you started to lean your torse forward towards Steve. He met your movement by reaching his free hand up and placing it on the back of your head. His fingers gently dug into and interlaced with you hair, his finger tips gently brushing on your scalp in a surprisingly tender action.

You licked your lips then bite down on your lower lip. You were completely unaware that that was he single most oddly erotic scene Steve had ever laid eyes on. You heavy eyed from sleep in a crumpled bed. Unbrushed hair and moist lips. Sexy in a romantic way. Better than any porn could be it had an intimacy to it. Steve knew if he tried to explain it, it would seem so lame. Steve knew the undertones were completely inappropriate but he was caught up in the moment. He hadn't wanted to admit just home much he missed you. Your home coming was something he wanted to celebrate deep down. Suddenly his brain was allowing visions that previously he had denied himself even thinking about. This was the most you had ever given him. You were off limits to him and he had crossed the line now he knew that. Yet here you were not pulling away.

"Steve..." You whisperd as you were the one who broke eye contact by looking down. A tear rolled down your face. 

Steve guided you into his arms in an embrace. His arms wrapped around you a little to much yet you didn't seem to push him away. Instead you welcomed the embrace. You welcomed his touch and his warmth. You didn't know what to say but you knew if either one of you spoke it would break the spell. Instead Steve laid you down on the bed and laid himself beside you. Heads next to each other on the pillow but covers as a barrier, Steve remained on the bed rather than in. So close yet still so far. You both fell asleep just enjoying the warmth of a body next to each other. You knew this was wrong but you actively chose to ignore your brain and give into the moment.

 

 


	31. Clavical part 31 ( temporary happiness  )

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We ignore truths for temporary happiness."

It was wrong. You knew that. Every rationale bit of your mind told you so, yet you actively ignored that raging voice of sanity and reason. You both should of walked away the next morning without saying another word to each other. It should of been left the hell alone. Left in the back of Steve's wandering imagination. Abandoned in the tangled sheets as mornings rays entered the room. The sun should of pushed away what ever sought a way in through the dark loneliness of an emotional night. But that's not what happened. After all sticking to the rules would of made your life too easy. Was it really you if you didn't fuck everything up in any way possible? It's like you went out looking for the worse life choices and made them.

Technically, nothing was going on. Technically. No kisses were shared. No declaration of love were made. With matters of the heart things can never be so simple, so black and white. It's not a case of you are together or apart. Single or taken. There are degrees of tangled emotions in-between. A web of glances and late night conversations that weave and bind two people together. If things are simple that's what happens. You work through the levels of flirtation to reach the end goal of a loving relationship. If you have circumstances that complicate the matter of love, then it's even less straight forward. Let's face it you were hardly straight forward. In this in-between world is where you and Steve stayed for the next couple of weeks. 

Dinners together and late night conversations filled a void you both had. Steve was so much like Bucky yet so different. He didn't have the same distance that Bucky had. He lived in the light while Bucky lived in the dark. While put into words it sounds so doom and gloom, it wasn't. It was laid back and comforting. It was relaxing and soothing conversation where you slowly started to open up. If you had been objective you would of seen Steve was in deeper than you. Steve had strong emotions. Not just about you but about everything. When Steve felt something it was from deep inside and with such conviction. Steve was a passionate soul with strong morals. He cared for everyone. Those around him to the old lady crossing the street were his concern. 

Lost in this little day dream of going about your lives then seeking each other out come evening just delayed the enevitable. A decision had to be made somewhere down the line. You guys couldn't keep this up forever. It was just a little to intense and intimate to be 'just friends'. 

You didn't speak to Bucky once in those few weeks. You knew Steve had but it had been limited and formal conversation. Bucky and Steve had stopping going for runs together. Bucky taking himself on longer further a field routes that would take up hours of his time. Steve reassured you that he had been distant in your absence and your return had not caused this fracture in their friendship.  You never saught Bucky out waiting for him to break the ice. A mixture of embarrassment that it wasn't the home coming you expected and shame of the perceived rejection. The more time you spent with Steve the bigger the distance seemed to grow. Steve worked so well as a distraction you refused to feel sadness for the barrier that had been put up.

Your therapy sessions with Dr Andrews resumed on your return. The doctor made a point of taking everything painfully slow in fear of pushing you to far. She didn't want any violent outbursts or for you to run. Twice a week you met for what appeared to be light hearted conversation that actually was pulling information out of you little by little. Dr Andrews found the lack of out bursts actually a disappointment. You were calm and open. To calm for some one so troubled. She could see through your mask of denial even though you couldn't. In these sessions the doctor recognised Steve for what he was. A band aid for Bucky but he was not the cure. If you weren't careful this could end badly with someone guaranteed to get hurt. Persue a relationship with Steve and hurt Bucky. Lead Steve on, Steve could get hurt. The big picture was also the Avengers team. Gossip was being spread when Steve was spotted leaving your room.  The doctor had also been seeing Bucky so was fully aware it had reached his ears. Someone, if not everyone would get hurt if this progressed further. Problem was she was there to provide help and support not tell you what to do with your life. Subtly she had to bring it up with you next meeting. Dr Andrews just didn't know how.

 


	32. Clavical part 32 (coffee )

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People call me observant.  
> That's not particularly true.
> 
> I'm not more observant than any  
> other human being. People are just so  
> easy to read -  
> We bleed emotions even in the way we drink our coffee.
> 
> No one seems to notice though, because they're all  
> too busy drinking their own damn  
> coffee.
> 
> (I have no idea who wrote this sorry, I can't give credit where it is due.)

Sitting in the coffee shop you looked around at the busy venue from the hidden booth you had found. People chatting to loved ones, hands gesturing, animated, taking breaks to sip from cups. It was loud with voices, clatter of cups and machines. The smell of coffee strong in the air. From your booth you felt safe. Like you were part of this world but just an observer from afar. You wondered if you would ever be like these people as your eyes scanned the room. Just another person in a sea of smiling faces connecting on a personal level with the world.

Nat made you break your train of thought as she placed a large white cup in front of you of your favorite beverage. She didn't even need to ask you what you wanted, she just knew.

"Thanks." You muttered as you stirred aimlessly.

You looked down at your drink avoiding eye contact. It must of been less than a minute of silence but it felt like an eternity of awkwardness. Nat had encouraged you to get out of your room for something that wasn't Steve or a mission. You were unaware Dr Andrews had casually suggested it would be beneficial for a "girl chat" with out revealing anymore.

"So Y/N. Any plans this weekend? We have nothing scheduled at the tower for next few days. But you know things still crop up. Barring any emergencies it will be quiet. Crossed fingers. " Nat smiled knowing full well she could of jinxed her calm up coming weekend. Alien attacks or assassin's could strike.

"Steve suggested I join him on a run. Then I hadn't really thought any further..." You replied your voice trailing off.

"Oh?" Nat's left eyebrow raised at the mention. "You and Steve? You've been spending alot of time with Steve recently?"

"I guess so." 

"Do you see that couple over there? Lady in red coat and the gentleman in leather jacket?" Nat pointed across to a table not far. "He's going to break up with her."

"What makes you say that?" You looked up from your drink interested now.

"Look closely. Observe. Can you see how she keeps looking at him, dead in the eye. She's leaning forward into, him showing really interest. Her body language is screaming 'I want you' to him. Now look at him. He's not looked up from his phone once. He's avoiding eye contact and using it as a barrier. He's facing away from her slightly. He's slumped back uninterested. I don't think he's said much of anything he's letting her do all the talking. Plus, I saw him checking out the waitresses. She is flirting to much to be a sister or a cousin or similar. She's much to comfortable and familiar with him to be an aquientince." She sat back in the booth satisfied with her analysis.

"You can tell all that from briefly watching them." You stated as a fact rather than a question.

"People call me observant. That's not particularly true. I'm not more observant than any other human being. People are just so easy to read. We bleed emotions even in the way we drink our coffee. No one seems to notice though, because they're all too busy drinking their own damn coffee." 

"And how do I drink my coffee?" You asked with a smirk.

"Like someone who's scared and confused. You look around the room analysing for danger and exit routes. Your hunched over trying to make yourself small and unnoticeable. You talk with a don't mess with me tone but when you think no one's looking the emotions come out. You dress like you are ready to kick ass to match your speech but your eyes speak of sadness."

"You got all that did you. Well I suppose it's no secret I'm a fucking mess though is it?" Defensive tones in your voice made you sound angrier than you intended.

"You aren't the only one Y/N. I've been watching how others drink their coffee. Like how Bucky doesn't even stay in the kitchen to drink his anymore in case you come in. Or how Steve lingers longer drinking his hoping you come out to the kitchen at the same time. Bucky has been watching too you know?" 

Your eyes narrowed at Nat as she finally got to her point. 

"Is that why you invited me for coffee Nat? To get the fucking gossip?"

"No Y/N. Out of concern for you as a friend and concern for this team. I was hoping your return would help heal the rupture you left. That backfired. Bucky is more distant than ever. What is going on between this little triangle? Is it going to cause problems for the team?"

You let out a sigh knowing you had been cornered well and truly.

"Bucky won't talk to me. At all. Won't acknowledge when I walk in the room."

"He's still hurting Y/N. That much is obvious."

"I can't do anything if he won't act like I exist. What can I do? I've been getting through past couple weeks knowing he's so close yet so far. Steve says Bucky won't even talk to him."

"And as for Steve Y/N. You know there's rumour's."

You slammed your coffee cup down spilling liquid over the edge.

"Nat. What rumours? There's fucking rumours?"

"Yes. You have been spending a lot of time with Steve. That much is obvious. People like to fill in the blanks."

"We are friends. Just friends. Nothing has happened. Fuck, does Bucky believe these rumours?"

"Bucky knows not to trust gossips like Wanda but he has eyes. And it's involved the one person closer to him than you were. What ever is, or isn't going on, is borderline inappropriate if you are just friends."

"For fuck sake Nat. I'm not allowed friends anymore? Steve has been so nice and supportive of me. Like a FRIEND! WE ARE JUST FRIENDS. " You got up and marched out.

"Y/N," Nat called out after you "does Steve know that?"

You marched out of the coffee shop anger flooding through your entire body. How dare Nat trick you into coming here just to confront you. She couldn't of said this at home? At home? You were really thinking of that place as home now? Your brain was a swarm of rushing thoughts. Instead of heading back to the Avengers base you kept pounding the streets. One angry foot step infront of the other. You didn't care where you went. What the hell had Wanda been saying anyway? How dare you open her mouth. She knew nothing because there was nothing to discuss. Bucky didn't want to know and Steve had been a friend.

It started to rain. The dark clouds above matching your mood. You didn't care and continued through the rain. Drips of water plopped down your face and off of your hair. You found yourself back at the Avengers tower not even aware you had walked that far or that direction. Stepping into the elevator and pressing the button you left a trail of drips where you walked. A ding rang out signifying you had reached the floor. The doors parted and you walked towards the shared kitchen. Steve jumped from his position at the breakfast bar at your entrance.

"Y/N? You been out in that? You're soaked, hang on let me grab you a towel." Steve rushed off before you could protest, leaving you standing awkwardly in the kitchen.

Quickly he arrived back with a huge, fluffy, white towel and wrapped it around you. You didn't say a word as you stared into his face trying to read him the way Nat seemed to so easily. Steve made a slight rubbing motion over the towel, trying to absorb the dripping water from your drenched clothing as well as warm you. You watched his brow frown slightly in concern for you. You watched how he smiled warmly as his eyes met yours. You took a step forward eyes locked on to his. You walked into an embrace never looking away from his eyes. You licked your lips slightly, head titled up at him and mouth slightly parted. 

Steve stared back at you. His eyes softened and his mouth slightly parted mirroring you. He watched as your tongue flicked across your pretty lips. In that moment he ached to lean down and kiss you. His while body was screaming at him to do so. You could cut the sexual tension in the room like a knife.

Steve started to lean forward, you closed your eyes anticipating his lips meeting yours. Instead, a familiar ding of the elevator called out loudly ruining the moment. Both of you instantly jumped back from each other suddenly aware of the bodily contact. Bucky exited the elevator you had not long stepped out from your self and eyed up the scene infront of him.

Steve started to awkwardly mumble to you about going and getting dry before you became unwell. Bucky grabbed an apple from a fruit bowel and continued walking, acting as if neither of you were there. You felt a stab in your heart watching Bucky walk out. You had to ask yourself though what caused that sensation? The near interrupted kiss, or Bucky's refusal to acknowledge you?


	33. Clavical part 33 (one of you has to fall)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Feeling guilty, worried,  
> Waking from tormented sleep  
> This old love has me bound  
> But this new love cuts deep  
> If I choose now, I'll lose out  
> One of you has to fall  
> But I need you, and you'
> 
> Joan Armatrading - The Weakness In Me

Bucky's interruption of the moment left a shadow lingering in the air. Heavy and demanding to be noticed yet still ignored by both you and Steve. Neither of you were going to be forward with your thoughts. Acknowledging what just occurred would be admittance of the situation, this messy situation. Admitting would then lead to having to actually deal with it. After all why deal when you can bury it deep and keep on going as if nothing was happening? Much easier for your brain to process after all. It was your default setting.

Steve suggested you go get yourself dry then meet him in the communal lounge as he had a film to watch. Steve was trying to work his way through years of popular culture he had missed still. You went along with the  idea on autopilot, easier to nod along and do as suggested. You knew you should say 'no sorry  not today' but you went with what would occupy your brain. 

Once in your room you stripped off the wet clothing and had a quick shower to warm up. Picking out clean clothes you found a t-shirt buried in a drawer. Plain black and most definitely not yours as it was comically big on you. You sat on the bed feeling the soft cotton in your hands. Bucky's. Reminders everywhere of your short but intense time together. You really did miss him. You missed his smell. His voice in your ear. His strong hand in yours gripping tight as if scared to let go. It hadn't been a dream. What you had was real. Nausea rose in your stomach as you slipped the top over your head, knowing you would be sat next to Steve in Bucky's clothing. It felt like a sense of betrayal to both of them.

"Run." Said the voice in your head. Your body ached to run away from this mess. pack a bag and go. Again. You had to silence that train of thought before it gained any momentum. You had discussed in your therapy sessions this need to run, your doctor encouraging you to face things head on. We're you any happier for running before? No, so why would the end result be different now. If you ran again it would be final, how many second chances would be given here at the Avengers? You'd used yours up. Running was not an option. Your only other choice was to actually live. Live out this life no matter how complicated it became because it was yours and yours alone. You had spent years in that barn with life slipping out of your grasp and you hid when fate had tried to hand you it back. It felt like a mockery of how many girls who had not survived, fate had not favoured them. All over the world. Girls dying in barns treated as less than cattle. You owed it to them to see this thing called life through. You thought of them as fallen sisters but you were still here to battle both the internal and external demons.

Walking into the communal lounge Steve had lights dimmed and film ready to play on the television screen. You honestly didn't listen to whether he had said the name or not nor cared what genre it was. As you sat down on the comfortable couch next to Steve it turned out to be a romantic comedy. On screen you watched in vain the main male seek the affections of a tall, hot blonde with liked wearing short shorts. You became very aware of the t-shirt you had donned previously. Like it radiated heat and screamed betrayal to the darkened room. You felt on edge unable to relax. Steve sensed this and put an arm loosely on the back of the couch enquiring if you were okay. Leaning your head on his arm you mumbled a vague "yeah" then went back to the film. 

As you started to relax with Steve's calming physical presence you started  to reflect on everything Nat has said to you. Your life had become a bad rom com. With less of the romance or comedy. This couldn't go on. Guilt ate away at your insides feeling like you had been treacherous behind Bucky's back. You cared about Bucky so much it was now a physical ache in the place your heart should be any time you thought of him. As Bucky was not communicating with anyone now, no one truly knew how he was doing. He had such a dark brooding persona at the best of times. You and Bucky were not in a relationship. Yet you were bound to him. In your heart you felt it. Like not acknowledging this cord between the two of you was a form of cheating on your feelings.

 Then here was Steve. If the situation had been different this could be something special. You felt the warmth for Steve deep inside taking root starting to spread. To let it grow or not was a decision you had to make. You wanted to let it blossom but how could you with Bucky still attached to the garden of your heart. Like a tree with stubborn deep roots. It would take a lot to remove with roots that deep. 

You pick Bucky, Steve gets hurt. You pick Steve, Bucky gets hurt. Pick neither everyone gets hurt but that was looking more and more like the best option. Bucky didn't seem like he even wanted to be picked by you. And Steve deserved better than his friends sloppy seconds. Everyone deserved better than you, they deserved happiness which you were not sure you were capable of experiencing fully yourself never mind sharing with another human being.

 Your eyes started feeling heavier as they slowly closed, starting to drift off, your head on Steve's shoulder. Before you knew it or were aware you had begun to doze. Steve looked down and smiled at the sight. You looked so peaceful and he didn't want to be the one to ruin that. The movie continued like this as you slumped further and further into Steve's body. Your unconscious form moulding into his arms and chest. 

Foot steps into the lounge area failed to wake you or gain Steve's attention. It was a communal area after all, everyone had equal rights to be there.

A deep voice boomed over the sound of the film breaking the mood entirely. "For Christ sake! You couldn't go to a private room?"

The foot steps stormed back out with added haste and aggression. You bolted up right jerked out of your dream to see Bucky's strong, muscular back existing the room. Still groggy you stumbled to your feet and followed him out.

"Bucky," your voice croaky failed to get a response. "BUCKY!'

Your feet sped up to catch up with his fast pace. You reached your arm out to him and grabbed his hand. Violently, he jerked it forward out of your grasp but stopped walking entirely causing you to nearly crash into him.

It felt as if time and slowed down as he tentatively turned to face you. His hair framed his face reminding you of an abandoned puppy. His features looked hurt rather than the hostility you expected.

"So, are you fucking him?" The words spat out of his mouth.

You looked down at your feet and your eyes closed as you failed to answer.

"Y/N,  just say it. Just admit it. Are, you, fucking him?" His eyes searched your face for a reply.

"Who the fuck do you think I am Barnes? Do you really think that Bucky, that I would do that?"

"Sure looks that way SWEET HEART."

Bucky continued walking leaving you standing in the quiet hallway blinking back tears, shocked he was so convinced of your perceived intimacy with his best friend.


	34. Clavicle part 34 (incomplete and empty)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I lay strewn across the floor, can't solve this puzzle  
> Everyday another small piece can't be found  
> I lay strewn across the floor, pieced up in sorrow  
> The pieces are lost, these pieces don't fit  
> Pieced together incomplete and empty"
> 
> AFI- ...But how is no where

Poor Steve. You had left him to watch the rest of the film alone, with zero explanation. It wasn't until much later guilt stabbed at you when you realised you had forgotten to go back to him. After your altercation with Bucky you stormed to your room. You felt hot tears threatening to escape. A mixture of tears from sadness and anger. What did it matter what Bucky thought. You were single. You could fuck Steve if you wanted to. You could fuck Tony if you wanted to. You could wait until Thors next visit and screw him. Hell if you really wanted to what was stopping you having your way with the big green guy. You knew what stopped you. The same thing that stopped you doing everything. Your past. No matter how far you ran away, it couldn't change that. You can't run away from something that is a part of you.

Climbing into bed it played on your mind. If this was a rom com what would they do? To win back the love intrest. To smooth out the misunderstanding. A big gesture. But what? In a film there would be a surpise party where the guy would drop to one knee with a ring. Or the girl might stop a guy at the airport begging him not to leave at the last second. What screams "sorry Bucky I'm not screwing your friend when I couldn't even screw you"?

You woke up the next morning to your phone vibrating by the bed. Hazy eyed you picked it up squinting to read the message.

NEW MESSAGE STEVE

Shit. To early for this.

"Hey. Hope you enjoyed the film Y/N. I loved the ending. Think you may of missed the plot twist though. It was great, didn't see it coming. See you for training later. Don't ask me to explain the ending. I'd like to keep it work related conversation so the team can really train hard today. Steve."

Well double shit. You might as well re name him Captain Passive Agressive. You knew you had done wrong but your ego had just been rubbed up the complete wrong way. 

"Fuck your training Steve." You mumbled outloud under your breath.

You had some where else to be for approximately 45 minutes to an hour instead. A meeting with Dr Andrews. You sighed knowing it was unavoidable and really the last thing you wanted.

During your meeting with Dr Andrews you seemed reluctant to talk. Questions fell flat as you muttered short replies. You had no intention of being rude but therapy was just a source of anxiety and stress you didn't want the hassle of. It didn't matter how many times you reminded yourself progress is never easy, it was still hard. It didn't take years of education and experience to tell that you were subduded, well more so than usual, but it helped.

"Has something happened Y/N?" Dr Andrews crossed her legs with a look of mild frustration on her face. "You don't have to talk but when ready you know I am here."

Dr Andrews was met with silence as you were busy looking down at your wrists, examining scars dashed across your skin.

"I'm here for a lot of people Y/N." The doctor continued. "There is a lot of people here with....issues. Hell I am not sure you can be an avenger without some kind of past trauma or emotional issues of some kind. Like some unofficial requirement round here. Others may hide it better than you do. But they come to me. We talk. They go back out there to face the bad guys with facade intact. Thats one thing people here are good at. Being physically strong and pretending to be emotionally strong. You dont have to pretend while here in this office even if you do to the rest of the world. I'm not saying lay yourself bare entirely. Just free yourself from your mental cage a little bit. Outside of this office it helps to. You open up and it encourages others to let their guards down to. People are more understanding when they understand. They get your motives and reasoning with a bit of back story. You were taken apart as a human being. It is time to put the pieces together again but you can't be blamed if they don't all fit together just yet. I understand that and others will to."

Dr Andrews laughed and took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry Y/N I went off on a tangent. But if you aren't ready to talk today then maybe just listening. You have been doing so well recently in our meetings that maybe I should give you a break." She scanned your face looking for an clues of a response.

"Um, a-a-actually something you said did help."  You stammered as an idea formed into your mind. 

"Go on Y/N." The doctor smiled at you encouragingly.

"Well," you took a deep breath. "I have been having issues. Lack of communication or clear communication. It seems talking isn't Bucky's strong point either."

"Oh yes Mr Barnes, I did wonder when he would show up in our meeting today. You think about him a lot don't you?"

You nodded then continued talking. 

"We, um, aren't talk much these days. And he has the wrong end of the stick. Bucky believes I'm involved with his friend, which I am not by the way!" Your voiced raised emphasizing the last point. "He won't talk to me so I don't think he belives me. I have an idea how to clear it up."

You explained briefly your idea to an eager Dr Andrews. She seemed pleased you were speaking up now.

"Well Y/N I can't tell you what to do. If you are ready for this then it may help squash his doubts abour your integrity. Just know you can't take it back once it is done so just think about that, if you are really ready to lay it all bare like that." She glanced at her watch. "Time is up Y/N. Let me know if you need to talk sooner than planned and good luck. I hope it works out for you!"

"Thank you. I have time before training to sort it out. I'll see you later." Standing up you headed to the door seeing yourself out.

This was big. Really big. Were you ready to re open your past and share it in it's entirety? Nothing held back or skimmed over. It was time to prove to Bucky you were not sleeping with Steve.

First port of call was your room. Opening up the lid of your laptop you copied folders over to a pen drive. Once exhausted of knowledge you headed to a certain redheads room.

Nat listened to your idea eagerly, truth be told she wanted this all done and dusted. There were to many angsty avengers in one tower. If this helped just one lingering bad mood then she would help. Logging onto her personal laptop Nat gave you access to files your login in was not authorised to view. You were shocked how much had been stored as you copied it across. You tried not to view any of it as you did so. The file names were descriptive enough for your shattered mind and body. 

You sighed with relief when all done, pulling the stick full of information on one subject and one subject alone out. You thanked Nat and hurried off. You looked at the time, 12:00 precisely. You knew where to find him. Where Bucky would most likely be headed. The kitchen.

You hurried there eager for the hand off of the pen drive. You didn't want to back down so you had to strike while it still seemed a good idea. Before you had a chance to think to deeply. 

Your heart started to beat faster. There he was. His strong muscular back turned to you as his head was buried in the refrigerator. You didnt have to do this. You can just walk away, he hasn't seen you yet. Fuck it. You were doing it....

"Bucky....." your voice trembled as you half whispered half spoke his name.

"Oh. Hi. I'm just leaving then its all yours." Bucky whipped round to reply.

"No no no stay. Eat. I know you like to eat dead on twelve. Take this, then I'll be the one to leave." You stretched your arm out straight awkwardly holding the drive out to him.

"What is it?" Bucky frowned at it not taking it.

"It will explain why I'm not screwing Steve. It will explain why I run. It will just explain any question you might possibly have about me."  Your eyes pleaded with Bucky to just take it.

Finally, he picked it up suspiciously his fingers ever so lightly brushing against your palm. Your stomach dropped at the sensation. You wanted more. You longed for his arms to embrace you. Such a simple and fleeting moment bringing you close to tears with such a mixture of emotions. Love, lust and loss. Bucky was about to see what had lost in that barn, everything.

 


	35. Clavicle part 35 (half alive)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had planned to end this so had left notes on how it was going to pan out.  
> Butttt i decided to very slowly pick it up again. If anyone is still reading that is! If not it is okay as I'm enjoying it regardless of readers or not.  
> Warning this gets a bit dark. Mentions of extreme sexual abuse and ramifications of this on you the reader.
> 
> "To live and die by our own rules, free  
> Despite the fact that men are fools
> 
> I'm almost alive, and I need you to try and save me  
> It's okay that we're dying,  
> But I need to survive tonight, tonight
> 
> And you touch my hand ever so slightly  
> Girl, not ready for this yet  
> And the deadly look she cast upon me  
> I won't regret, I won't regret  
> I won't regret, I won't regret
> 
> And I was trying to disappear,  
> But you got me wrapped around you  
> I can hardly breathe without you  
> I was trying to disappear  
> But I got lost in your eyes now,  
> You brought me down to size now"
> 
> Secondhand serenade - half alive

Bucky Barnes frowned at the pen drive you had left with him. It crossed his mind briefly to just discard it in the trash. Toss it out like you had tossed him aside. Did you really expect him to waste his time looking at whatever was on it? Curiosity got the better of him though as he went to his room pen drive firmly in hand. You had been giving Bucky distance, neither of you attempting to converse with the other unnecessarily, but something made you break your mutual vow of silence.

Bucky plugged it into his laptop opening it up to find various files from videos, images to written reports. They seemed in no order so he went through them all starting at the top of the list. As Bucky progressed through each one sickness and anger started bubbling up. Each and every file was documentation on you. You, your history and all known details of your torture and abuse. X rays showing bones that had been left to heal. Doctors notes documenting in great details medical findings. So much information poured into Bucky he had no idea of. You had mentioned you couldn't have children but he wasn't aware to what the extent. Details emerged of starvation and malnutrition stopping reproductive cycles that were STILL yet to return, damage done, details of scar tissue due to forced intercourse. The most sickening being the damage caused by at least one diy abortion. The report stated you were not sure how many may of been carried out. Damage to internal organs from starvation and non consenual drug use. Tests had been carried out for everything and anything given your history. Every single infection or disease they could think of you had bedn tested for. Much to the doctors surprise everything came back negative. More and more doctors reports as they examined you physically over your time being an avenger. This is when he found the report that he realised why they kept you here.

You were special. Very special. Infact, all medical professionals that looked at your case agreed one thing. You should not be alive. It was medical fact. No one should of survived the long period of abuse. From malnutrion and starvation, to lack of sun exposure, to unchecked injuries and botched procedures. Even if you had survived all that doctors were amazed no traces of HIV or hepatits b for example. Drug use and such a huge number of sexual partners left you wide open to risk. Your muscle tone and bone density remarkable. Your lung capacity and organ functions amazing even when damage was evident. You shouldn't be alive. You shouldn't be able to walk or run. You should be a bed ridden bundle of diseases. They were analysing your blood and DNA. This is when it became too full on for Bucky unable to understand medical and science jargon. They had no idea why or how you were here. Above average strength and cell repair. You had above average EVERYTHING. He knew the people who had made him the winter soldier would have salivated if they had gotten their hands on you. It's like you had been born with a small dose of super soldier serum.

Bucky lent back in the chair and rubbed his eyes. He had yet to even get to the mental health reports everything so far focusing on the physical. Despite just viewing very intimate details of your physical body, this side of it all felt far more intrusive and personal. He wasn't sure if he should view anymore. But you had given him this knowledge had you not? If you wanted him to see this it was not an invasion of privacy. Deep breath and Bucky jumped back into it all. Security camera footage of your assault of Scott Lang. Dr Andrews notes on your sessions and her assessments. It seemed Dr Andrews also agreeded with the other medical professionals. You should not be here. She stated that it would not be unexpected for survivers of extreme abuse to be in catatonic states. Or have experiances of other such mental breaks. It was a huge surprise to her there seemed no signs of self harm or depression. Mild PTSD and social awkwardness were the worst labels she could pin on you.

His mind a blur racing words and images when finished reading every single file. Anger bubbled up like boiling water, the steam almost escaping through his ears. How could a human do that to another. Here you were proof it happens and not just some awful b movie made for shock value. You experienced brutal abuse first hand and lived. No one should of survived that yet you did. It made his heart ache with love and respect for you. If only the entire team knew EVERYTHING. They would see you how he saw you. A goddess of pain and suffering burning with rage and sadness. A thing of beauty and wonder. For a moment in time he had you. He had held you in his arms. Felt your heart beating in your chest as you shared a bed. Such comfort you brought to his own heavy, aching soul. Bucky hoped that he had, even if just for one second, helped to quiet the pain you felt the way you had calmed him. His soul had felt soothed in your presence. Despite all you had both been put through by the hands of others you were free now. You could live by your own rules now. You were noth physically free of prisons but prehaps not fully free of the mental ones that were now self imposed.

Shame filled him as he remembered the accusation of you and Steve he had flung at you. No, after that he really didn't think you were sleeping with Steve. He appreciated how close you and him had gotten now. So if you weren't fucking Steve what was going on with you and Steve? He sensed something was going on and he didn't want to get involved with anything that would complicate this further. What were you expecting of him now you had given him this? In the past Bucky would of spoken to Steve but not now, not about this. So this left Bucky with one question? What the fuck was he going to do now?


	36. Clavical part 36 (ain't no grave can hold  my body down)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry a bit more mentions of the goings on in the barn,just a polite warning.
> 
> "There ain't no grave can hold my body down  
> There ain't no grave can hold my body down  
> When I hear that trumpet sound I'm gonna rise right out of the ground  
> Ain't no grave can hold my body down  
> Well, look way down the river, what do you think I see?  
> I see a band of angels and they're coming after me  
> Ain't no grave can hold my body down  
> There ain't no grave can hold my body down"
> 
> Johnny Cash - Ain't No Grave

Fatigue was taking over as you opened the cupboards of the shared kitchen. You were not even hungry just looking to pass time. Fill some void inside you with food. Nothing seemed appealing as you looked all over. You weren't really sure what to do with yourself. A heavy training session with Nat had left you tired so part of you wanted to go to bed however it was still early. It didn't feel right going to Steve. Plus Steve had been out on an quick but stressful mission most of yesterday. You had avoided him since Buckys accusation two days prior, since you walked out and left him watching a film.  You did what you did  best and were burying your head in the sand on the Steve front.

Bucky though. He was very much on your mind since leaving him with the pen drive yesterday. You couldn't get him off your mind and even though Natasha didn't utter a word, she could tell you were distracted. She managed to disarm you too easily. Your head not in the game. Bucky had yet to come talk to you. You hadn't bumped into him in passing either. For some many living and working in a small space it sure could be quiet at times. Even those that didn't live there at the tower had rooms to crash if missions ran late. If all hands on deck were needed they had a room in the thick of it. Visitor's would come and go as well. SHIELD agents, scientists, politicians.  Amazing how surrounded by so many people you could still feel alone. You weren't a fan of social interaction but on some level you still felt a pull.

Boredom was soon to be alleviated little did you know but not to be replaced with anything pleasant either. Your phone in your pocket vibrated. Fishing it out with one hand while picking up packets of cookies hidden in a cupboard with the other. Natasha.  It was simple but got the point of urgency across. "Get dressed. Meet me at front of building in 10 minutes. It's important Y/N." You slammed the door shut and frowned. You were going to comfort eat and now were being expected to go out somewhere? You did as ordered and met Nat at the entrance to the tower.

"What is this about?" You asked the concerned looking red  head innocently.

"You will see. Can't discuss in public setting. Sensitive information." Natasha then climbed into the black car that was going to take you to your destination.

The car journey was spent in silence as you made your way through the city night time lights. You stared out the window looking for some clue as to your location. After 20 minutes you arrived at a generic looking office building. In the dark you failed to see any company logos or names.

"Where are we?" Y ou tried to pry out information again.

"FBI." 

"FBI?! WHY ARE WE AT AN FBI BUILDING THIS TIME OF NIGHT?!" You hadn't meant to be so loud but finding out your location added more confusion.

Nat didn't reply. You could tell she was on edge. You just didn't know why as you followed her with wide eyes through the building, up a lift, through a reception until finally you  found yourself waiting outside a brown office door, in a corridor full of identical office doors, still none the wiser. Despite the time there were still signs of life in the building. The door swung open. A tall, thin man in a blue suite stood with a warm gentle smile on his face.

"Come on in," He stepped aside and gestured with his free hand. "You must be Y/N. Agent Romanoff I have met before. Pleasure to see you again. Sorry about the time."

"Do you know why you are here Y/N?" He turned to you directly.

"Not a clue."

"Well my name is Agent Barrett, but you may call me Charlie if you wish. I work for the FBI. Currently I am working on a  certain case. I have worked on similar before involving gangs and tracking them through drugs, guns and well, um, even people. This here is Pete and this is Steve". "The agent gestured to two men sat at computer to your left you had not even noticed.

"Okay?"  You nodded out of politeness and noticed Nat had taken a step back leaving you in the for front of conversing with this agent. 

"Pete and Steve's job is to use facial recognition software as well as many other things. But today this has been there job going through hours of footage. You see, a gang safe house was raided. Hard drives full of footage was found. Hours upon hours that unfortunately this two gentleman had had to go through. When software analyzed the images  some interesting this popped up. One being well, you Y/N."

"ME?" You frowned.

"Yes, well you see they is some rather distressing footage. A lot of the video files are from a farm area. It seems to be a barn. Which is where your face has popped up."

Your froze. Your heart skipped a beat. Footage. Of the barn. What footage? There was fucking footage?

Nat stepped out of the shadows behind you to your side. 

"Y/N. You don't have to see or do anymore for now if you wish to take a  breather." Nat had a calm reassuring tone. 

"NO, what fucking footage?" You spat the words out with wide eyes anxiously.

"Steve, play some of the recordings please. Perhaps something, less,um, graphic." Agent Barratt took steps towards the computers, you and Nat followed suite.

Your eyes trained on the screen as the man sat infront of you scrolled through some files clicking play. There it was. Grainy but in colour. The camera recroding from  high in a  corner looking down. That fucking god forsaken barn. There you were tied by your wrists to a metal hook on the wall.  You had a dirty ripped dress on and that was it as you sat up against the wall, head slumped to the side. To the right of you a few meters down lay a girl. Face down. Spread eagled. Naked. She looked dead.  Five seconds of footage was all they had shown you but there it was. You turned away from the screens then turned  to look at the agent waiting for him to speak again and you were stunned by a mix of emotions.

"I am sorry if that was hard to view Y/N." He spoke softely to you, you thought to yourself he must of had some sort of training to deal with victims as he was so soothing and calm.

Agent Barratt guided you and Nat out of the room to what turned out to be his office next door. After fetching you a cup of coffee he sat across from you at his desk. He filled you in on everything that his team knew so far. This facial recognition software was new but they were using it to identify and track gang members. This was their first time with a registered 'hit' from someone on the tapes that was NOT a gang member in this specific case. He explained the gang on the tapes had dissipated over time but a new gang stepped in taking over one of their safe houses. When they were busted for drugs that was when these hard drives has been seized and analysed. It turned out their recordings of the barn had been strategic. Not only did they dealt with human trafficking, the Russian gang also worked in blackmail. They recorded every 'visitor' to the barn and their actions while there. To them it proved a goldmine of blackmail material if the time ever did arise. As result every horrific act you can imagine had been found on these tapes. Shocking even the most hardened of FBI men. The list of atrocities seemed to depend on which 'visitor' was there.   Quite a few 'visitors' cropped up time and time again. One man seemed to like children. Another seemed to bring his pet dog with him. You felt so sick as he spoke, gripping the coffee tight. Fucking children? You had no idea children had been involved even though you not much more than a child yourself when violated by these monsters. You were glad all the gang members you had found that night were gone, and by YOUR hands. You felt regret about any who slipped away and not met their end by you. You felt it was your right to snuff out their lives like they had done to so many. Agent Barratt then got to the real reason of why you had been brought here and shown this.

"Okay so y/n, we here at the FBI would like you to help us. So far only one of the blackmail targets has been identified. Turns out one of the regulars was a Senator. He has been arrested, this will be going to court. We are extremely positive given the evidence of him being found guilt. Thing is y/n, we would like you to testify against him  in court."

"Um um, I don't really know." You muttered looking down into your lap. Your chest tight and heavy.

"It's okay you can take time to think." Nat placed a hand on your arm.

"No, I'll do it." You looked Agent Barratt right in the eye. Cold determination and anger. If you couldn't rip this senators throat out and watch him fall you would do it anyway you could. You got someof the monsters. Some were still lurking out in the open you seemed.

"I appreciate this isn't easy. But we here are very appreciative. If you are up to it we would like to arrange another meeting with you. We would like to go over events, names and faces. For you to help our team piece together what we can. We need official eye witness victim statements if you can help us." He let out that kind warm smile of his.

You and Nat left his office, headed back to the car waiting for you and returned to the avenger tower. You did not say a word. Natasha respected this and understood but keeping up the mutual silence. The mixed emotions were rising as your eyes stared into the back of the drives seat in front of you. hardly blinking. You could feel tears threatening to prick your eyes at the same time anger was bubbling up in you. The confined car ride proving the worse thing as it seemed to amplify the feelings. Your thoughts bouncing off the metal back on to you. The minute you got into the building you were going to the  gym and do some damage. If you didn't take it out on some gym equipment then some furniture may of experienced your wrath, god forbid a person get in your way. "Wanda, I fucking dare you to make a comment when I  get in. I fucking dare you. " You thought to yourself through gritted teeth. Your jaw starting to ache from the strength with which you were grinding your teeth. You felt like you would quite literally rip her pretty little bitchy head off.  Hey at least on the plus side you weren't thinking about Bucking. Fucking Bucky. There he was, never far from your thoughts. Even when they began to stray they would someone how link back. All roads mentally lead back to him.  

 Agent Barrett returned to the two men in the room after your departure. He informed them you had agreed to help and that they could go home for the night now, more harrowing footage would await them in the morning. As he removed his head phones and stepped up from his chair Steve who had played the footage turned to the Agent.

"Charlie, you've seen these tapes. I can't believe that is the same person that was just in this room. Shit,  Charlie,  she was the same age as my daughter will be soon when the tapes start off. You've seen it. How is she walking? How is she talking? It's like a ghost just walked in the room. My mind can not place the women I've been viewing for hours as the same women who just was here. I can't do it Charlie. No one should of walked out of that barn alive. Shit, she is so far the only one that seems to off. This is fucked Charlie it's literally making my brain heart." Steve rubbed at his forehead while addressing his supervisor. 

"Yeah, Steve, I know. It is well and truly fucked what she's been through. Go. Go home to your daughter. I get the feeling there could be more on those tapes yet. Need fresh mind in the morning." Agent let out a sigh of relieve. Relieved you were going to testify relieved that this first initial shock to you was done and dusted. In his years of work and training, never had he seen some one come out of a "barn" in one piece. Never had he seen a case as gruesome as this. A case that would haunt him forever. He swore he was done with the FBI once he was done with this harrowing case.

 

 


	37. Clavical part 37 (all i want)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "All I want is nothing more  
> To hear you knocking at my door  
> 'Cause if I could see your face once more  
> I could die a happy man I'm sure
> 
> When you said your last goodbye  
> I died a little bit inside  
> I lay in tears in bed all night  
> Alone without you by my side
> 
> But if you loved me  
> Why'd you leave me?  
> Take my body  
> Take my body  
> All I want is,  
> And all I need is  
> To find somebody.  
> I'll find somebody like you.
> 
> Oh oh
> 
> So you brought out the best of me,  
> A part of me I've never seen.  
> You took my soul and wiped it clean.  
> Our love was made for movie screens."  
> Kodaline - all I want

Entering the Avenger tower you didn't even wait for Nat as you made your way inside. You needed a release from the rising tide of emotions. You could feel them all swirling round the vortex of your body. Anger mixed with sadness making you literally shake. If you didn't set them free you would be a walking hand grenade. It begged the question though in your mind, would you ever be set free? Could you ever fully unshackle yourself from the torment of your own inner turmoil? This was not healthy the way the emotions would rise like an unsuspecting tide. The best way of dealing with them that you  knew of was either by getting yourself blind drunk or by beating someone up to release the tension. How about combining both, best of both worlds? Training in the morning be damned, you could rock up at 9am with a hangover and deal with the consequences then. At this moment you were to focus on the here and now.

Making your way to the kitchen you found several options. You turned your nose up at the wine that those with more classier taste favored. The differences between the regions and flavors lost on you. No something else. Aha! That was it as your eyes scanned a shelf and discovered a bottle of spiced rum.  No mixer needed for this. You grabbed it and unscrewed the lid, not bothering with a  glass you just swigged from the bottle. One huge gulp, the warm spiced drink sliding thick down your throat. You couldn't help but cough on the first taste ensuring you took smaller, but more frequent sips subsequently. You didn't bother taking the lid with you, that wasn't necessary, you planned on enjoy this all to yourself tonight as there was just under half a bottle left. You was not sure who's it even was but figured you would apologize and worry about that later. The time of night worked in your favor heading back to the lift, no one roaming the halls you hoped, you didn't fancy  any judgment or having to offer any explanation about your date night with the bottle held tightly in left hand.  Your right hand pressing buttons on the elevator taking you onto the floor you wanted. You made your way to your destination.The gym.

Routinely taking sips of the bottle you thought about what you should do first, running machine? No. Weights?  No. You needed to destroy. Then your eyes fell to the punching bags, perfect. Placing the bottle on the floor far enough away you would not accidentally kick it over, you then unzipped your jacket throwing it down next to it. The warm alcohol was coursing through you, not drunk, yet, but slightly light headed. Fists raised you started to  make contact with the cool punching bag. Over and over your fists met their target each swing gaining pace and strength. You wanted this to hurt. You wanted your knuckles and hands to ache. You wanted the muscles in your arm to become heavy. Your shoulders to become stiff. You wanted to keep going until you had nothing left to give, until you had been drained of what had been building up. Stopping every so often to consum more from the bottle. So self absorded in your own reality and mind you failed to notice footsteps enter the room and come up behind you.

A strong hand gripped your shoulder unexpectedly. In a moment of surprise you spun around, fist raised high, with all your might you propelled it forward to make contact with what ever it found. Pain surged through you as it made contact. It had found an outstretched metal hand that had been quicker than you to deflect the blow. Attached to that metal hand was a metal arm, attached to that metal arm was Bucky Barnes.

"FUCK!" You shouted as you shook out your hand. Obviously not completely numbed by the rum then. 

Your eyes fell from your hand to Bucky. You suddenly became aware that you probably loooked a sweaty mess stinking of booze but decided you didn't really care. Bucky's eyes were frowning at you from behind his hair which was framing his face. He looked tired. Rings of darkness encircled his eyes. Buckys hands moved to rest lightly on your shoulders which were heaving up and down with each breath. His eyes searched yours trying to read your emotions best his stunted social skills could.

"Are you okay?" Bucky practically whispered, he obviously ment more than just your hand.

"Not a fucking clue Barnes." The words spat from your mouth pulling away from his grip. The words stung Bucky. You hadn't called him 'Bucky' or the usual 'Buck', back to your old way of addressing him. Before all of this. The formal use of a single last name. 

A tear fell down your face betraying the hurt underneath the anger. Bucky took a step forward. Very slowly, allowing you time to respond or retreat, he brought his hands around you pulling you into a loose embrace.

"C'mon Y/N, talk to me." Buckys hands started to gently caresse your back where he held you. Your arms remained loose at your sides as the single tear turned to sobs.

"But you don't want to talk to me anymore. Not since I returned, barely aknowledged I'm here."

Bucky sighed. "I wanted nothing more than for you to appear at my door. Every night you were gone I would lay awake waiting. You never came. When you did come back i wasn't worried anymore. I was hurt. I thought I could die happy seeing your face again, I mean I was relieved to see you. Just it hurts alright y/n? It's not easy seeing you. Especially getting all chummy with Steve."

The silence hung over you as you remained in your embrace.

"Y/N, did you ever love me?"

You went still and rigid in his arms. It dawned on you, had you told Bucky how you felt? Had you even uttered those 3 simple words just once?

"Yes I did. I still do. Bucky, you brought out parts of me I didn't know existed. A part of me I'd never seen." You had still failed to say the words though.

"If you loved me then why would you leave? Were you not happy here, not happy with me?"

"I panicked Barnes, it was as simple as that. Overwhelmed, I ran."

"Well y/n you know not everything is about you you know? Did you even once consider me?" An angry tone and invaded Buckys speech.

It took you back a bit, you hadn't really had you? You put your arms around the wide super soldier in response.

"I'm....sorry Bucky, Bucky I um, I'm truly so sorry," the words awkward in your mouth. "You are all I want Bucky. Is there anyway we can go back to how it was?"

"How can I go back not knowing if you will run again? Am I supposed to wake up every morning checking if the bed next to me is empty?"

"I came back though didn't I? I came back here for you. For us. If I was going to run again, I would of done it again when you pushed me away when I returned. You know Nat never brought me back? I came back myself? I found out she had been watching me. Reminded me I did have some small part in this place. I wanted a place with you."

Buckys body relaxed, slumping down into you and this time it was your turn to hold him.

"I don't know what to say. What to do y/n," sorrow filled his voice , "I don't know what normal people do in these situations. I don't know how to share what I feel. I don't know whats my mind doubting everything and what's reality. I don't know how to read people or situations. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm not the same person I was before I became, well, THIS."

"Bucky, you know full well I know what all of that feels like. More than most people. I get it. We're both fucked up. Can't we at least be fucked up together?"

Bucky moved his hands from being around you to cup your face gently and tenderly. His blue eyes became that of a sad puppy dog."Some would say that's the exact same reason there shouldn't be a we."

"C'mon y/n. Your drunk." Bucky broke the embrace to go pick up your jacket thrown to the side. He left the rum exactly where you had placed it not wanting to tempt you to drink more. Out of sight out of mind. He walked back to you and grabbed you by your hand, gently he pulled you a long behind him. Guiding you out of ths gym and to the elevators. 

"Where are you taking me?" your head hung down letting yourself be escorted with a floppy but compliant body. Every so often your foot would almost stumble over thin air a sure sign you were wobbly with the rum coursing through you.

"Bed." Was the only answer you got from the stern super soldier.

In the elevator you swayed slightly side to side, every movement of the lift causing you to nearly loose balance. The doors opened. Bucky continued his half pull half guiding of you. You had failed to ask whos bed, so was surpised to see yourself at Buckys door. With out a word he opened the door and pulled you in, over to the bed where he pulled back the sheets with one strong hand. Gently pushing you to a seated position he then followed to crouch before you, taking your shoes off for you in utter silence. A fresh tear slid down your cheek, he didn't even want to talk to you. Bucky pulled the covers over you then went to the couch where he set himself up a make shift bed. You were disappointed when he failed to climb in beside you. It hurt with your feelings being amplified by booze from a small prick to a knife stabbed into your heart.

It hurt Bucky just as much but he held his composure as he struggled to get comfortable on the coach. He wanted to just pull the covers back from you, kiss you while your body lay beneath him. Bucky wanted to feel your heart beating out of your chest with each thrust of the tongue. He wanted to slip his hand under your top to feel your smooth warm skin. He wanted that, he wanted you. His better judgment taking control instructed him not to. You were drunk. You were vulnerable. There was also an element of self preservation. Keeping you at arms length even if it meant causing you both pain.

"Barnes." you called out in the dark, more a statment than a question.

"Yes."

"What were you doing so late in the gym tonight?"

"Same thing as you Y/N. Working things out. What were you doing there?"

You let out a sigh then proceeded to tell Bucky everything regarding your impromptu FBI meeting. In the dark Bucky longed to go to you now even more so. You were going to have to relive everything. Every single memory of that hell hole revisited and documented.  His heart broke for you at the prospect. He admired you for agreeing and understood your need to release tension this late in the evening. Bucky could think of other ways to release some tension.... He shouted at himself in his head for straying to such desires given the situation. You were doing this and you were doing on your own because Bucky Barnes, the winter soldier, was to proud, to wounded, to scared to go to the one thing he wanted in this world when they were in a time of need. 


	38. Clavical part 38(so I bare my skin)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You tell me to hold on  
> Oh you tell me to hold on  
> But innocence is gone  
> And what was right is wrong  
> 'Cause I'm bleeding out  
> Said if the last thing that I do  
> Is to bring you down  
> I'll bleed out for you  
> So I bear my skin  
> And I count my sins  
> And I close my eyes  
> And I take it in  
> And I'm bleeding out"
> 
> Imagine Dragons - Bleeding Out

How foolish you were to think that Bucky taking care of you would help you reconnect and come back together in some form. Atleast to be on speaking terms. He was gone before you awoke, just crumpled blankets on the couch, all that remained come morning like a ghost. Going about your day (hungover but functioning) you ached to speak to him. To hear his soothing voice. Bucky was not the best conversationalist in terms of amount, but, he made up for it with quality. His voice calm and level, when he did feel the need to talk it would be wise words on the topic. By not talking it was like he filtered out rubbish to get the bones of what was needed to be said. Not fantastic small talk but great to discuss training tactics. 

The days blended into each other. You had recived a nod and a few glances of acknowledgment. He was no longer leaving rooms on your arrival. Bucky was no longer actively rejecting you now just avoidence. On the positive side this was a step further. Bucky was not wanting to talk still. Steve had been distant but friendly. Making an obvious effort of keeping everything professional but but not to personal. It was lonely. No missions for you. Minimum training. You needed to keep yourself occupied but it felt like the powers that be were keeping you off duty.

You found out why. A phone call from the FBI came in requesting your help in building the case. Nobody wanted to run the risk of pushing you in anyway in the lead up. Court dates were in place but your aid was needed before hand. This was real. You were going to be questioned intimately. You were going to have to pick yourself apart at the seems, the ones you had sewn up so tight keeping everything in. Your memories were about to be flayed, your defenses stripped bare. To the bones of the pain and misery, the constant fear that pumped through your body deep down. You were going to have to bleed it all out. Dr Andrews in your session suggested it could be a healing experience. She also put a huge red flag on your file, this would bring her concerns to the attention of higher ups. This could break you as easily heal you by triggering the fuck out of you. In all honesty she didn't think you were ready to face this but you had already agreed.

Two weeks after your drunken boxing practice and it was the day everything was to begin with your involvement with the case. As you busied yourself working out, showering then getting ready the time soon arrived for a driver to take you to the office building you previously visited. The drive there seemingly different in the light. The driver made zero effort to speak to you which you were glad for.  Once at your destination you stepped out of the car noticing the dull cloudy day, a reflection of your mood perfectly. In you went being led by a receptionist to the correct room. People milled about, artificial lighting glaring, the telephones ringing and the sounds of voices bouncing off the walls overwhelming, your senses in over drive. Focusing on the click clack of the ladies shoes in front keeping  your mind focused and the panic at bay.  Deep breaths as the receptionist knocked on the office door of the agent you met previously but you were surprised to see Nat open the door.

"Um, hi?" Your voice escaping hardly a squeak as you stepped across the threshold. That was it. You were here. You were doing this.

"Hey Y/N,"  Nat replied in her calm soothing voice.  "Come in, Agent Barrett is just getting everyone coffee."

Looking around the room it was just you Nat and a video recorder set up facing a chair. She signaled for you to sit in the chair the camera was trained on. Natasha seemed on edge, you could tell straight away she was in 'work' mode.  She was here in an official capacity not as a friend. She tried to make small talk with you which fell flat,  awkward vibes hanging over the conversation.  Nat seemed very stiff and rigid but you were unsure why.  Did she feel  awkward being here as you felt awkward with her surprise presence? Nat was dressed in an official catsuit. This was not a jeans and jacket of  Nat in down time. The black clad red head reached across the desk and picked up a metal box. She lifted the lid  to show you the contents.

"I'm sorry y/n but given the situation we thought it best." She took out the contents. A silver bracelet? No. It was a heart rate monitor. You were being literally and metaphorically cuffed, again.

You sighed and lifted your arm up resigned to the fact you were never going to be trusted. You avoided eye contact with Nat as she clasped the cold metal around your  wrist.

"This one is slightly different y/n. It reacts faster to increased heartbeat sending an alarm to my ear piece and remotely to base. It also has a stun option I can remotely trigger. The minute I press that stun option you will get tasered.  If that fails it has high strength tranquilizers that will be injected. You got all the bells and whistles today."

"I feel like I've been collared and leashed on a choke chain. I suppose to take it as a compliment would be a stretch, everyone must think I'm pretty bad ass to need all this. Or just a fucking mess ready to explode. Don't worry I'll try and be a good doggie today."

"I am sorry Y/N I really am. Please understand this is  all just precaution and nothing personal. You will be reviewing very intimate and sensitive events from your past.  This is for your benefit as well. There is  one more  thing, I am so sorry about this next part....." A dark figure stepped into the room before she could finish talking.

"FUCKING BARNES. Bucky what are you doing here?" You shouted while Nat was still speaking.

"Given past history we felt someone should be present who already knows your intimate details," Nat continued. "Barnes here will remain silent in the room while I am outside in case of emergency. He will not interfere or intervene. I can not hear through the door. Anything said in this room will be treated as confidential which he is well aware off. If at any time you wish him to step  outside he will be will be on alert for your heart rate, It rises to high he will come in again. I am sorry y/n, just out of everyone we thought this might be someone you would prefer. If not we could always get Wanda..." 

You couldn't help but laugh the smirk on Nat's face at that idea. She was trying to put you at ease during an uncomfortable situation, you knew that, and you knew Bucky was the right choice if you had to have someone present. Bucky refrained from even muttering a word trying to stay in the background. 

"It's okay Nat, or as okay as I will be about it. I understand why the need for all this, I just don't have to like it. I'll pay you back next training session." A smile showed your friendly demeanor to Nat, and also hid the deeper panic. Bucky was about to hear everything. Yeah okay he knew from the pen drive. But detailed verbal descriptions of  torturous events were not the same as formal medical document just stating injuries, more personal, more raw.

Agent Barratt came barreling through the door with a tray full of coffee mugs followed by a female agent you had yet to met. Nat smiled at the agents, took her coffee and quickly retreated to outside the door where her place on guard duty would begin. Both the agents spoke in calm voices obviously trying to put you at ease. The women agent known as Rose seemed particularly on edge. You couldn't read her emotions at first but then you realized. Fear. She feared you. if you were to leap at her you could most likely snap her neck and not break a sweat. Of course she was on edge and of course that was why a super soldier was here. They weren't sure if Nat could bring you down. The two agents went over what was going to happen. You would first in your own words try to describe what happened. Then they would have set questions for you. Finally they would show you photos of suspects and see who, if any you recognized. This could take a week of 2 sessions or 2 weeks of  9. As slow or as fast as your were comfortable with. They were hoping for a video statement to avoid you having to attend court to give evidence. Quite frankly everyone in the know  were dreading it reaching that point. If you had to come face to face with a man who had actually payed for your body. Fury and Nat were not wanting such a public display of your mental instability. The agents explained to you just how big this case was going to be. It was going to be headline news given the man in question was a senator. If you could be shielded from the flurry of reporters waiting like vultures outside as well as the perils of the face to face courtroom  itself.  

You held the coffee cup in both hands using it to help steady the shake you couldn't help, your body betraying you despite your facial expressions appearing calm and collected. Once they briefed you and paper work was signed they were ready when you were. You looked over to the soldier in the corner, the unmoving Bucky. He stood arms at his side,  fists clenched but eyes staring direct ahead. "God he can't even look at me." You thought to yourself.

"Okay y/n," the slender blonde Agent Rose began, "Look into the camera when you are ready and start in your own words from the beginning, state your name and the date  please. Remember we can stop at anytime."

You looked down into your lap, up to Bucky then straight into the somehow menacing camera lens. Deep breaths. "Here we go,"  you prepared yourself to make the mental leap off of the cliff. 

"My name is F/N  L/N. The date is *insert your current date*. I was a victim of human sex slavery at the hands of a gang. I was 16 years old when we were on our way home from a family trip. It was late, so it was dark with no cars out on the rural road. Up ahead a man was by the side of the road next to his broken down car,  he waved to flag us down.  My dad stepped out and went to talk to the man. From the darkness  two more men appeared and pulled  us from the car, threatening us with guns. They lined us up. Me, my younger brother who was 13, my mother and my father. They didn't speak to us. Only to each other in a different language. My mum was crying. They shot her first. Straight in the head. My dad went to get up and he was  next. They spent time eyeing up  me and my brother. I remember I looked over to see he had wet himself. I tried to  reach across to hold his hand but one man hit me over the head with their gun. I went down stunned. I laid on the cool ground. A shot rang out and then laying next to me was my brother. His eyes wide as his body crumbled. Blood  poured around his head. I laid there for what felt like an eternity watching this pool of blood come closer and closer to me, strong arms lifted me up, my legs were like jelly as they man handled me to the car. They bundled me in. One man went and drove our car after the men had shoved the bodies of my family in. I don't know what happened to their bodies.  I never found out.  I never got to say goodbye. I can't even remember what my last words to any of them were. In shock I didn't even try to fight back."

Looking down at your wrist your heart monitor flashed faster but no alarm wrang out. You took a sip of coffee then continued.

"We drove in the dark I'm not sure how long for. We reached a farm at end of a dirt track. They pulled me out of the car but didn't speak to me. This was when I snapped out of it and tried to run not thinking about the guns. They had me surrounded by the car though so exists blocked. They laughed as they held my hands beind my back. I tried to wriggle free but was pushed to the floor. A man took one leg thrn someone took the other. They carried me to a barn. It was cold and dark and smelt awful. It was dimly lit but I could make out two other girls in a corner. I was taken to the corner opposite them. I was tied up then injected with something. I slowly stopped fighting as I became sleepy. That was the first night of many. They didn't talk to me. They didn't ask my name. I never once spoke to them. I woke in the morning to one of the girls talking. She was older than me and trying to comfort the girl next to her who was sobbing. She told her it was going to be okay but the crying girl started screaming about how it will never be okay, no one leaves the barn. Thats what it was called just the barn. They came in and screamed for her to shut up but she cried harder. They kicked her hard over and over until she fell silent. I learnt that you either shut up or made to shut up unless they wanted you to scream. Some men liked to hear the cries."

You looked down at your drink a year slid down your cheek silently. In your mind you could picture everything you described reliving it again. 

"So um, that first day was the hardest but in some ways the easiest. I didn't get anything to eat or drink that day but the men came. A group of four. They kept me tided up. But they each in turn raped me. They laughed and cheered each other on. Later on you would come to relish the days it was only a simple fuck. It was painful but would be over. No that was actually easier than the ones that liked to extended to further activities. I was still new so not numb to the pain of it. They got angry at me as I wouldn't cry out. So the nect day they came again. This time with my first visitor. If new to the barn the visitors paid extra for you. To many girls came and went or left to linger in the corners until they became boring."

"What do you mean girls came snd left, i thought no one left the barn?" Agent Rose queried. 

"No they didn't really. By came and went I mean they were killed. So vistors paid extra to have fun before they died. Sometimes visitors would pay extra to be allowed to kill them, sometimes they would die from injuries or wounds after a visitor was done. If you got to sick the gang in charge would just kill you. They didn't want doctors involved. Iromic when some of the visitors were doctors. Luckily I never got sick. But ny first visitor made sure i got hurt."

You stopped talking for a couple of minutes blinking back tears.

"Can we take a break?" Nervously you asked.

The agents left telling you take as long as you want, leaving you alone with Bucky. Minute they shut the door the tears fell harder. For the first time during this he looked at you. He felt it stab at his heart the sight of this and what he had heard. Bucky felt selfish admiting to himself it was hard to hear when you were the one who lived it, and were still living with this. Bucky wanted to put his arms around you, to hold you tight, feel your warmth. "What's stopping you?" popped into his head.

With that he threw caution to the wind and walked across to you. When you noticed the movement you stood from your chair and met him in the middle. You threw your body into his solid frame as sobs escaped you. His thick strong arms catching you and bringing you in to the tightest of embraces. You took a deep breath in savouring the familiar and comforting smell of Bucky Barnes and closed your eyes. In that moment suddenly so thankful for his precense as you bled out on camera memories of your innocence being robbed. Like a scab that would never be truly healed being picked at and made to leak crimson tears. That barn would be with you until the day you died. It crossed your mind that no matter what happened the Barnes infront of you would be with you always, lodged in your brain stuck with you forever as well.

"Bucky. I don't know if i can do this."

"Y/n we can take a break if you want. They will understand. Remember what they said about how ever many sessions?"

"That's just drawing this out. I want this done asap."

"Listen to me y/n. You can not let them win. They won before then look what happened? You made them pay. Now you got the chance to go after one of these...visitors. If its last thing you do you gotta make them pay. People like that don't deserve to be walking around living a normal life. I know you y/n. You are a fighter. It's who you are now so you do it for me. You do it for all the girls you met. You do it most importantly for you. Fight to bring them down. Fight to ruin them. It hurts now but it won't be forever. This rehasing of it all will be over and you can take a deep sigh of relief. Just hold on." Bucky kissed the top of your head ending his speech.

"Barnes," you laughed, "you don't talk to me in how long and then come out with this? Side gig as a motivational speaker you think?"

"Only you get to hear my speeches y/n."

"Good," you smiled "because I like the sound of your voice. Thank you for being here, with me, for this. I didn't expect it and wasn't thrilled but I'm glad it was you."

You pulled away slightly to look up into his blue eyes. Bucky looked down at you seeing your sorrowful expression. Time slowed down as he gingerly started to lean forward. You tilted your head back and lifted yourself higher for your lips to meet his. They connected for no more than two seconds then Bucky pulled away. You could feel the tingling sensation where his mouth has just been lingering on your lips. You ached for more it being such a fleeting tender moment. Suddenly the reminder of what you didn't have became sadder than the memories you had just bled to the camera. Bucky Barnes so close to you yet somehow still so far.


	39. Clavical part 39(can't keep my hands to myself)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Can't keep my hands to myself  
> My hands to myself  
> Can't keep my hands to myself  
> My hands to myself
> 
> The doctors say you're no good  
> But people say what they wanna say  
> And you should know if I could  
> I'd breathe you in every single day"  
> Selena Gomez - hands to myself
> 
> Sexual content in this one. Heads up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me please don't hate me please don't hate me.  
> Was going to sit on this chapter a little longer but can't contain it.

After many apologies you decided to call it a day. The agents kept reiterating that it was fine, they were willing to do it in as many sessions as was needed. You stuck with the reason it had become to much spilling the start if your story out on camera and you needed time to compose yourself. Reality was it was Bucky. Bucky and that kiss. That was what was breaking you apart right now and playing on your mind. Even with Nat and the two agents in the room all you could feel was the precense of Bucky. He was occupying your thoughts when you needed to focus. In a new day with the kiss not so fresh your mind would be able to quiten down and heart be still. The agents were thankful to you stating it was a very good start and amazing evidence already. You hoped they weren't trying to reassure you and it was the truth. Some good had to come out of this.

A driver picked you up outside the building, Nat and Bucky travelled back with you. Somewhat dissapointed when Bucky took his place in the front on the car, Nat taking the metal band from your wrist a consolation prize. Until next time that was, which happened to be tomorrow. Same time, same place, new parts of the story to tell. Nat didn't talk to you much just polite smiles, they boarded on pity the way her eyes looked at you. That same look on the faces of the agents. You were like an abused puppy dog that had been taken in by kind strangers. Good girl. Pat on the head. Anger started to bubble up inside but your head swirling not sure who it should be aimed at. Truthfully you were just angry at the situation not anyone person but your mind was trying to assign blame. You could take it out on a person or a thing, but not a combination of memories and a shitty court case you were being pulled into.

Once back at the Avengers tower you rushed out the car slamming the shiny black door behind you. Racing to the entrance hoping to make it to the gym. Once in the building Bucky caught up with you. You both entered the elevator in silence. Both of you looking at the ground or directly a head of you avoiding eye contact. The air full of tension so thick you could cut with a knife. No wonder Nat had hung back avoiding sharing this ride up. The doors opened for the gym. Taking a step towards the exist you felt a metal hand gentley reach out grabbing yours, stopping in your tracks. 

"Y/N," the deep voice half muttered half whispered, "wait. Stay. Come to my room." 

You didn't answear but taking a step back away from the door gave Bucky his reply. He didn't let go of your hand. His hand gentle as he pulled yours in to a tighter ressuring hold. A way of saying "it's okay I'm here". Your heart beat sped up in anticipation. Once at the right floor Bucky stepped out guiding you. You let yourself be led watching him as he took the lead. His body so strong, so confident. You followed the soldier into his room where he shut the door behind you. As you looked around you noticed the biggest similarity between his and yours accommodation. A distinct lack of 'stuff'. Lack of personal belongings and nothing that displayed character. Minimal functional living quarters devoid of warmth. It wasn't cold temperature wise but it gave off an air of formality. You hadn't noticed before this coldness but maybe it was just your perception as you were on edge.

"What's the matter Barnes?" you turned to look at him still in the doorway. 

He walked forward two fast, big steps that quickly shortened the distance between you until he was still directly in front. Before you could take in what was about to happen he placed a hand on the small of your back, gently drawing you in as he lent to kiss you. Instinctively your arms wrapped around his neck returning the gesture. Bucky sped up the kiss hungry and eager. He wanted to savour you yet devour you at the same time. He longed for more, unintentionally speeding up further. You parted your lips allowing his tongue entrance where his met yours deepening the kiss. You didn't want this moment to end. The excitement and electricity in the air spurring you both on. Desire began to pool in your stomach and even lower. Burning hotter as the kiss went on longer. Bucky pressed his body further into yours his solid form against you now completly. The need in you began to take over, loosing your senses and your mind giving yourself over entirely to the moment. Time was no longer recognised. There was only you, Bucky and two needful bodies pressing against each other now. 

Buckys hands began to wonder. Slowly at first, hesitant, and giving you the opportunity to retreat. You responded to the new touches by pressing your pelvis deeply into him, this spurred him on. Down your sides, grabbing your hips, sliding round to grip your ass then moving up your back begining the journey again. You pulled back from the kiss breathless, chest heaving. You licked your lips as you looked into his eyes, pupils wild and gaze intense. 

Without saying a word or breaking eye contact you started walking back wards, Bucky following as his arms wrapped around you. You halted when you felt the firm bed against the back of your calves. Bucky dived in reigniting the passionate kiss, accidentally in the process pushing on to the bed. His large frame following suite landing on top pressing you into the mattress. You laughed, the sound muffled by his lips pressing on yours. The weight and pressure of him on top making you loose your mind with desire. Slowly and rhythmically you begane lifting your hips into his body which was pinning you down. Each time your body found his sending waves of pleasure and further urgency through you. Tingles of desire racing through every cell of your body. His pelvis began to meet yours the friction almost unbearable in its delight. Neither one of you wanted to break the magic of the moment but you both on some level wanted, no, NEEDED more. Hungry for each other's flesh but hesitant. 

Bucky broke the kiss only to plant new seeds of tingles as he began gently kissing your neck, your head tilting to allow him access. He could smell your perfume, your shampoo, your desire. Using his left arm to support himself he continued the kisses as a hand gingerly played with the hem line of your top, fingers skimming soft flesh. It would brush against your skin for a meer split second then withdrawing only to tickle you again. Bucky wasn't really sure who he was teasing more, himself or you. He longed to just rip your clothes off and have you, finally truly have you. Bucky was struggling to keep his hands off you the burning desire for your body all consuming. 

You relaxed your legs spreading them apart allowing Bucky to lay inbetween them. Wrapping your legs around his waist bringing him in as close as possible to continute the friction building pounding. One big thrust up into his pelvis, tightening your legs locking him in place had Bucky letting out a load groan into your neck. You could feel the hot breath on your neck as he momentarily stopping kissing to let the muffled sound out. You felt satisfaction with the response, you knew exactly what you were doing when you did it a second time. One big hard thrust and this time you had him moaning your name. The sound of the struggle in his voice made you smirk. 

Bucky caught sight of the grin on your face and shook his head laughing.

"You are evil y/n. I was going to say do you know what you are doing to me but apparently you do. Your going to be the death of me y/n." 

Bucky lowered his head back to your neck taking a gentle bite at the delicate flesh. He felt you gasp at the sensation. It spurred him on to do it again, and again each time ever so slightly harder. Each time soliciting gasps and eye flutterings of pleasure. 

"Pay back." Bucky whispered in your ear.

Your hands reached up to Buckys long sleeved top, you pulled it up slowly. Bucky got the hint sitting himself up to remove it. As he looked down at you, hair falling about his face, you reached up running your hands over his abs and pecks. Finger strokes taking in every dip, line, curve of his muscles. You could tell he had spent a lot of time at the gym since you last saw him shirtless. He was huge and muscles buldging. You felt warm liquid suddenly pool in your panties. His body literally making your pussy gush. Your fingers moved down to his trousers. You lightly pulled at the waist, fingers ever so slightly dipping under the waist band.

"You okay?" Bucky whispered. 

Tugging harder at his trousers you simply replied with "off."

Eagerly Bucky obligiged removing his shoes and trousers. He stood at the edge of bed taking in the sight of you flustered and rosy cheeked, legs spread wide. He practically growled taking up his space between your legs again. His frame spreading them apart wide. Without his thick trousers you could now feel him. Hard and thick against you. He was painfully hard and you could tell. His cock begging his mind and body for release. The kisses rained down on your neck again, moving down over your collar bones to your chest. Gently he pulled at the neck line on your top to kiss further down. You gently pushed Bucky away to allow you space to take off your top half of clothing, throwing them across the room. Buckys grin widned.

Mentally you groaned at your choice of plain white t shirt bra. You hadn't exactly had this planned. Pulling down the arm straps Bucky read your mind reaching around the back of you undoing the clasp. He bit his lip at the sight of your bare breasts.

"Oh god y/n. You are so stunning do you know that?" 

"No I don't so tell me again Barnes."

"Doll, you are trying to break me aren't you? You know there are simpler ways of killing me. Fuck! You are so incredibly beautiful. You know, every guy who comes this tower would love to get their hands on you? I don't think you see it but I do, and they do. When they assumed I was...intimate with you I got literal pats on the backs."

"Really?" you laughed. "You never said."

"Yes really, I just thought best no to say anything. They also said when you left we weren't good as a couple, it was never going to work. I ignored that to."

"Hmm doesn't matter anyway Barnes. You are the one here I see Buck. Only one I trust. Only one who was come remotley close."

"Good." He said smuggly then returned to kissing you.

As your lips clashed, his stubble rubbing against your cheeks, you reached down to his member. Through his boxers you gingerly at first stroked up and down. Your confidence grew and you gripped it in your hand. You felt him twitch at the unexpected hold. As you started to pump up and down he too thrust into your hand struggling to keep his cool. You could feel him twitch and harden in your grasp. You slipped his boxers down to free it, grasping again flesh on flesh causing a moan from Bucky in your ear. 

"Think about what you are doing doll." Bucky half warned half jested. 

"I am." you replied removing your hand from his cock to reach for the waistband on your jeans.

Bucky stood up realising what you were doing. He took your right boot off then your left throwing them aside with a clatter. Bucky helped roll down and tug at your jeans until they were off. He licked his lips proud at seeing the moisture showing through your black cotton panties. The dark patch of material boosting his ego and confidence. Without thinking he pulled your panties down tossing them aside leaving you surprised and unaware. Instinctively you clamped your legs shut and put your hands down to cover yourself. Gently Bucky used his hands to pry them apart. He looked into your eyes as he did so looking for any signs he should stop. As his longing gaze washed over you, you  relaxed and allowed yourself to be repositioned. 

With his flesh hand Bucky gently stroked your warm pussy. One simple swipe up over your folds with his fingers. You bucked your hips up an animal response in you. It caused his fingers to slip inside of you. He froze at the realisation of what just happened. To his surprise you laughed and put your hands over your mouth. A mixture of surprise and embarrassment.

"Shit I'm so sorry y/n. Do you want me to stop."

You shook your head your pelvis tipping up so his fingers went deeper completely betraying you. Bucky moved to lay at your side his fingers remaining. Slowly he slid them gently in and out your legs relaxing wide and your breathing hitched. It was such a beautiful sight to behold. For the first time ever you had truly let yourself go as your eyes closed and you held your breasts, wriggling for him to fasten the pace. The importance of this not lost on Bucky. 

"You are so wet y/n." The amazment in his voice.

"I'm sorry," you started to say until he interrupted.

"Don't be. Ever. Don't say you are sorry for allowing yourself to do this." Bucky scolded you.

Bucky removed his fingers causing you to whinge at the removal of the sensation. He moved to kneel on the floor, pulling you by your hips to edge of the bed. He waited for any signs of protest. When none came he pushed your knees apart and brought his face down to your lower regions. He swore he could feel the heat radiate off of you. Just like with his fingers he followed suite with his tonge. Licking your outside up then down gingerly. Over and over he lapped at you. Your hands reached down to tangle themselves in his hair. Bucky's tongue entered you getting a tongue full of juices. "Delicious." he thought to himself. In and out it poked your fingers gripping his hair tightly. He removed his tongue from inside to lick up trying to find the prize. You bucked into his face and cried out as his tongue hit what it was looking for. He wasn't as gentle on your clit hearing the moans it ellicited from you. So senitive from this long drawn out foreplay it was eager for sensation, which Bucky happily provided. 

As Bucky sucked at your clit it sent waves of pleasure that came so close to pushing you over the edge. You wanted more, no needed more.

"Bucky?" you stopped him devouring your neither regions.

He looked up at you worried he had done wrong. "Yes?"

"Come here." you helped pull him up to resting between your legs again.

As you kissed him you bucked your pelvis grinding, this time no material in the way. You felt his aching cock rub against you. This was the ultimate self tease and it was to much. 

"Bucky...can we,can you...." your voice trailed off self consious of saying those two little words, fuck me.

"Anything for you doll." he grinned in response.

Hesitantly and seemingly nervous himself he lined himself up. The tip of his penis finding your entrance and your wetness ensured there was no resistance as he entered you. Your heart skipped a beat as you missed a breath adjusting to the sensation. He was so big and thick he seemed to fill you. In he pushed slowly waiting for you to stop. He kept going until you gasped as you took him to the hilt. 

"Oh jesus baby doll. Fuck!" Bucky was using every bit of self restraint not to pound you into next Tuesday. 

Slowly he slid all the way out and slowly repeated waiting again for signs he should stop. He commited the sound of your gasp to memory. It would now be embedded into any and every erotic thought he would ever have. Your hands shook with pleasure and nerves as you held his shoulders. Again and again he entered into you, the gasps turning to whimpers then to moans. His pace quickening as he started to loose himself in you. A primal brain taking over.

As he fucked you hard and harder his hand moved to your breast. Without warning he cupped your breast drawing his finger tips up to pinch your erect nipple. You shrieked not so much in pain more in shock breaking the spell of lust you were under.

"No! No! No!" you started crying out as you tried to push his heavy weight from on you and out of you. Bucky dazed and confused failed to respond straight away. Causing you to scream louder and beat at his chest. The cries of "please stop!" filling his room. Your mind a panic and swirl of emotions your heard raced it was like you couldn't actual see you just felt suddenly trapped.

Bucky snapped out if it quickly retreating and rolling off from you. Frantically he pulled up his boxers then grabbed a blanket to cover you over.

"Shit!" he growled out loud not meaning to.

"I'm sorry Y/N I'm so so sorry." Bucky tried to apologise and you cried continuing to push him away. 

"y/n, y/n, Y/N!" his voice rose each time trying to snap you out of it. It was as if you couldn't see him and had gone somewhere else as he gently tried to keep you from lashing out. Slowly your protests died down and your body shook with sobs. The rush and crash of emotions so overwhelming, adrenaline coursing through your system. 

Without warning the sound of hammering on the door echoed out. 

"WAIT!" Bucky shouted.

Without warning the door flung open to the sight of Bucky in only his boxers holding you by your shoulders, as you attempted to push him away crying out. Your clothes flung across the room and Bucky's boner extremly visible through his boxers. Not exactly an accurate representation of what had actually been occurring consensually moments earlier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, you are allowed to hate me. I'm such a cock block for this couple aren't I? Poor Bucky must be concerned its going to shrivell up and drop off from lack of use.


	40. Clavical part 40 (Unsteady)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If you love me, don't let go  
> If you love me, don't let go
> 
> Hold  
> Hold on  
> Hold on to me  
> 'Cause I'm a little unsteady  
> A little unsteady"  
> X Ambassadors - Unsteady

Without warning the door flung open to the sight of Bucky in only his boxers holding you by your shoulders, as you attempted to push him away crying out. Your clothes flung across the room and Bucky's boner extremly visible through his boxers. Not exactly an accurate representation of what had actually been occurring consensually moments earlier.

"I SAID WAIT!" Bucky growled.

"What the hell is going on!"

"Nothing! Now leave""

"Not until I hear it from her! Y/N!" the uninvited visitor addressed you but just heard sobs in reply.

The guest stepped closer to the bed out of concern.

"I said to leave Steve, I have this under control she is okay."

"She's obviously not okay Bucky!" Steve shouted back.

Bucky had enough of Steve not listening. He stood up from the bed walked over to the captain and started pushing him to the door. Pulling the blanket around you, your sobs started to calm down. "Wait! It's okay Steve I'm fine. Please. I am fine."

Steve frowned allowing Bucky to push him from the room, the door slamming shut behind him. Outside he was unsure how to proceed. He knew what he heard. He didn't know who else had heard it as well. In that moment he was glad you didn't have a wrist monitor on, saving you from the embarrassment of the entire building descending on the location. Steve knew that if you were 'flipping out' Bucky was strong enough to handle you. It still left questions. Bucky would never do anything without consent, would he? No, he knew Bucky cared for you deeply but it left that small doubt still. Whatever happened was private but he could not ignore the scene he walked in on. Steve shook his head at the idea of you and Bucky again. History repeating itself he feared. And once again Steve seemed to get in the middle somehow, he promised himself he would not get dragged into it again, yet here he was running to your aid at Buckys accommodation.

Back in the bedroom Bucky turned his attention back onto you sitting down on the bed. He let himself fall back on the mattress staring up at the ceiling mentally chastising himself. Rolling on to his side he used his free hand to stroke your hair. Instinctually you curled up into Bucky seeking refuge and comfort. His large frame provided you with that solid stable feeling. You could feel the heat radiating from him  The emotional rollercoaster coming to the end of its ride as your breathing started to calm. You were unsure how long it had been curled up like that. Passing of time didn't seem to matter. Bucky wasn't going anywhere for as long as you needed him in this moment.

"I'm sorry Buck, I-I-I don't know what to say but I'm sorry," you stammered.

"No y/n I should be the one saying that. I got a head of myself. I shouldn't of taken it so far and made you do something you regret."

"I never said that?" 

"Huh?" Bucky looked puzzled.

"I never said I regreted it. I don't. I never once told you to stop or gave any hint to. I wanted that Bucky. I wanted you, God I wanted you."

Bucky lent down and kissed your forehead.

"I've never known anything like that before Buck, it felt so good." you continued.

"Good. I'm glad you enjoyed it before I, uh, yeah...." Bucky let his voice trail off.

"Bucky?"

"Y/N."

You looked up into his blue eyes. "Why did you bring me back to your room? You could of just let me go back to my quarters and avoided the mess that is me."

"I didn't plan on...this y/n. I just, I heard what you told the FBI. I didn't want to leave you alone. It made me so angry listening to what they did. I didn't want you running again. You might not be my girlfriend an I know we haven't been talking much. But that doesn't mean I want you gone. Complete opposite. Want you close where I can make sure you are safe."

"Why is nothing ever simple Bucky? We can't we be a normal couple, we can't have sex."

"Well ..we aren't a couple though are we y/n."

"Yeah thanks for reminding me for second time in the last minutes of that fact." Angrily you pushed Buckys hand away from stroking your hair, bitterness in your voice.

"Don't blame me for that, we both know who ran, who ended this."

"Bucky I went away but my feelings didn't. I never stopped caring. Not for a minute."

Letting out a frustrated huff you pushed yourself up to sitting position. Scanning the room for your clothes you found them scattered. Standing up to retrieve them you let the blanket fall no longer careing if Bucky saw your naked body. Especially after what had just happened. 

"Wait y/n. Before you get dressed, fancy a um, cold shower, with me to ya know, cool down?" Bucky stared at the ground waiting for an answear.

Truth be told you did feel slightly grimey and sweaty now after the hot and heavy activity. Slightly hesitant at first you didn't want to pass over the chance to spend time with Bucky. After this would you guys go back hardly uttering two words to each other? You walked backed over to the bed taking Buckys hand in yours. You didn't think about which hand. In your mind both the metal and the flesh were a part of the man you loved. It was who he was so didn't flinch at the cold metal. Playfully you pulled him up to a standing position then led him slowly to the bathroom. Bucky couldn't help but watch your naked form infront of him. He took in a sharp breath watching how your ass and hips moved so seductivly. Once in the bathroom you turned on the water and stepped in. Bucky stepped out of his boxer shorts and followed suite his movements tentative.

The hot water hit you, you letting out a sigh of satisfaction as it rolled over you. You turned around to face Bucky allowing the water to run over your back. Grabbing the shower gel and squeezing into the palm of your hand you proceeded to wash yourself. Bucky stared as your hands ran over your soft flesh. So erotic he bit his lip feeling the desire rise in him again. You smiled seeing the expression on his face and watching his chest heave with heavy breathing. 

"Here," you shoved the shower gel into his hand. "Wash my back."

You turned around facing away offering your body to him. Bucky squeezed the gel into his hand then set it aside. In gentle and dainty circular motions Bucky skimmed his hands over your shoulders. Gaining confidence he applied more pressure and moved his hands down over your arms then back down your shoulder blades. A sigh of enjoyment escaping your lips spurred him on. His hands continued their journey up and down your back travel further down and further round your body each time. His hands enjoyed running along the curve of your hips. Bucky noticed new blemishes apon your skin. Scars he had failed to notice before. Mostly upper back. His eyes widned in horror realising the implications. Uniform straight line criss crossing faintly. You had been whipped.  Other such marks were all over your body. Everybody had seen your wrists but these were scars you were sure others hadn't seen. Tank tops that you wore strategically hid most of your back and now he knew why. The wet water highlighting them as they shone damp. Bucky knew he had seen your back before how did he not notice? Hsd he not been attentive enough to you?

Bucky wrapped his strong arms around you and pulled you in to a close embrace. He rested his head on your shoulder as you melted into him. The warm skin on skin completly exposed under the running water seemed some how more intimate than the previous erotic acts on the bed. Unspoken but you both felt this affinity. Closing your eyes you surrendered yourself to the embrace, Bucky being a pillar stopping you from topling.The more you sunk down the the tighter he held you.

Tears began to escape as you found the moment bitter sweet. This was more than you had ever hoped to experiance. Before coming here, before Bucky, you had never dreamed this would happen. Back then you hadn't ever wanted this.  Thoughts of intimacy with a man left you feeling revolted this would of been your nightmare. Yet now you longed to experience this every single day with Bucky. How far you had come, how different everything was. Bucky had transformed you along the way. Metamorphosis into something closer to normal. You knew this was only a passing resemblance though, a cheap copy. After this shower you would get dressed, go back to your room and you and Bucky would go back to hardly speaking. No, you wanted to saviour this magic before going back to mundane reality.

Bucky was contemplating the situation you guys found yourselves in himself. He found himself realising that as he clung on to you, he was holding what had become his world in his arms. You were his everything and he was holding you up now stopping you from falling. Bucky wished he was capable of always doing that for you emotionally as well.  Bucky would do anything he could for you, he would kill for you. He knew eventually he would have to release his grip and part ways. Physically and metaphorically let go of you. For a brief period of time both of you had forgotten your realities. Forgotten where you were and what you were. Bucky had pushed you away out of pride and hurt when you returned. You were not a couple. Yet why did everything about this moment feel so  _right_.

"It's okay y/n. Cry if you need to. I'm here," Bucky whispered into your damp hair that was covering your ear.

"But for how much longer Buck, how much longer? You are not my boyfriend. What are we?" Your sobs grew stronger scared to actually get an answear to that question.

"What are we doing?" you continued. "Are we just hurting ourselves? Drawing this out when there's nothing to draw out? Prolonging the inevitable ending, but that would say there was something to end?"

Buckys strong arms turned you around so you were face to face to him. Wrapping your arms round his neck you looked up into his eyes pleading, for something, for anything. You were dangling by a thread with Bucky holding the end. He could cut you down or pull you in. Bucky leant foreward and gently kissed you. He pulled away to rest his forehead on yours. You could feel the warmth of his out breaths in such close proximity. 

"I don't know y/n. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I can't give you these answears. Ya know, since coming here I've just gone along with everything. I've done everything asked of me. This is first time I don't have Steve whispering instructions in my ear. And I don't know what the fuck to do. You are my first real, true, free will in all these years," Bucky sighed.

You hadn't realised what the enormity of starting a relationship was to Bucky. He was struggling so much more than you realised.

"Can we just agree that we are something? That all of this isn't meaningless. I don't feel what I do for nothing?" A pleading tone took over your voice. You needed SOMETHING from this man that held you. Anything.

"Of course none of this is meaningless. You mean everything to me y/n which is so overwhelming. This isn't a casual affair. This runs deeper and thats what scares me. We are something. Definitely something." Bucky ended his reply with another gentle little kiss.

That was the most conclusive label you were going to get from the situation.

"Now shut up y/n and let me kiss you some more," Bucky spoke into your lips as he pressed them to yours. You giggled into his mouth mid kiss. 

As you quickned the pace you felt his stubble graze your face. Pressing your body into his you unintentionally thrusted your pelvis. A groan escaped his lips and you could feel him harden against you. His strong arms grabbed your ass, rocking you to and fro against him friction building for both of you. You felt the heat pool for a second time that day spreading and tingling. Building in urgency. You started spreading your legs further apart subconsciously. This allowed Buckys hard cock to rub against your pussy. Moaning as he slipped between your now wet lips so teasing. You toyed with idea of reaching down and angling it in. A quick tilt of your pelvis forward would of allowed it to slip right in. You wanted this. You really did. Both of you to scared to take the step after what had happened earlier. Both of you frustrated and to crazed with lust to put a halt to the teasing. Excruciating pleasure.

Without warning Bucky picked you up, your legs instinctively wrapped around him as he roughly slammed you into the shower wall without breaking the kiss. His cock slipped in to your pussy without any warning or intent. You gasped as he found entry as he filled you. 

"Shit shit shit," Bucky exclaimed. "I'm so sorry y/n I didnt mean to do that."

"It's okay." You smiled into the kiss.

Bucky resumed his tongue assault on your own mouth remining inside of you. It took every ounce of self control not to thrust into your warm, wet and eager pussy. He was not going to put you through that again if he could avoid. Your nails dug into his back which spurred Bucky on with his need to kiss you. Taste you. Be in you. Bucky moved to kiss down your neck. His body held you pinned to the wall allowing his arms to now move over you. One hand held your tilted head allowing access to your neck while the other moved all over your body. Gently skimming over your waist and hips, goosebumps forming on your skin in response. 

Once familiar with the hills and dips of your figure Bucky slowly moved his hand inbetween his pubic area and yours. Timidly a single digit made its clumsy way to your sensitive clit. Gasping as his finger stroked it. The sensation of him inside of you and Bucky now stroking your clit mind blowing. Over and over his fingers brushed over it. Bucky switched to circle motions causing you to cry out into his mouth. He smiled watching the response it illicited each and everytime. Your eyes closed your mouth slightly open, occasionaly you bite your lip getting lost in tye rising pleasure. You could feel it building the pressure rising wanting to bubble over. One hand pulled Buckys hair roughly as you felt so ready to burst.

Lost in the heavy make out and foreplay session you suddently shouted at Bucky. "Stop! Buck! Shh and listen."

"Fuck sake," Bucky could hear a faint voice on other side of the bathroom door. 

He pulled out of you setting you down now, no longer pinned up. You suddenly felt empty after becoming accustomed to the full feeling of him inside you. Your legs wobbly from the intense pleasure. A voice muffled called out again.

"In a fucking second!" Barnes shouted as he hurridly switched off the water, kissed you on the lips quickly then got out and grabbed a towel. He wrapped it around his lower half his body glistening. He threw you a towel waiting until you had covered before opening the door just wide enough for him to slip out.

You could hear the conversation through te door water no longer running.

"We tried to call you. No reply. JARVIS got no response. Sorry Barnes but this couldn't wait," Nats voice spoke on other side.

"Yeah I was busy," Buckys answear intentionally vague. This was Black Widow. Of course she noticed the crumpled bed and the female clothes thrown everywhere. She raised an eyebrow at him. She just didn't know which female although she strongly suspected.

"Mission. It's important. Get ready now," with that she turned on her heels and walked out briskly.


	41. Clavicle part 41 (in our eyes)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's in our eyes like shallow graves"  
> Alkaline Trio - Live young die fast
> 
> Trigger warning, details of abuse and life in the barn

 Waiting until you were sure Natasha had departed you gingerly opened the bathroom door and peered out the gap . Bucky was hastily dressing in dark combat trousers and a black long sleeved top. You walked up behind him and snaked your arms around his large body. Bucky paused to allow you to embrace him. His muscular frame felt large, solid and warm. It felt real and present. It wasn't a half remembered memory or a dream, it was the here and now. In the past you would of scoffed at the idea of human touch, never mind finding yourself seeking such tender moments.  This was what it meant to be alive, truly living. 

"I really gotta go y/n," he said after a minute of allowing the moment for the both of you.

You let out a sigh. "I'm scared if we part we will break the magic of today. You will come back like it never happened, forgotten."

Bucky reassuringly patted one of your hands.

"As if I could ever forget about you. I need to hear you moan my name like that a few more times until I can say my job here is done." A playful edge took over his voice.

"Hey!" You pushed away from him then gently tapped his ass. 

Bucky turned to you before pulling you into a tight bear hug. He kissed the top of your damp hair as he held you close.

"I'll have you moaning again when I'm back but I really do have to go. I love you angel." You smiled hearing him use that pet name, it had been so long since he called you it last.

Reluctantly you parted not knowing what his mission was, where it was or how long for. You internally rolled your eyes at the fact you were not included. Even if you weren't taking part it was common to know some basic information of others whereabouts. Helped if back up was needed to have some basic knowledge of the mission. Nope, this was need to know, this was important. You were not important enough obviously. You didn't realise being grounded from missions would get to you, but it did. A perceived rejection from the team.

It wasn't a long wait as Bucky returned the next morning. You had to hear about it from Wanda of all people while making breakfast.. Bucky never came and sought you out, never told you of his return and no body seemed to have seen him about. All you could get out of Nat was that everyone came back without so much as a scratch but it was one hell of a debrief. If he was fine he must just be busy you reassured yourself. There was only so many times you could tell yourself these words before they sounded hollow and flimsy in your head. Two days after the mission ended, it still rattled round your brain but the voice of reason became quieter. Paranoia and doubt were soon pushing it out of your thoughts. What was Bucky so busy with? Was he busy or did he regret his time with you? Why would he not just come see you even briefly? What if it wasn't that he was rejecting you, what if he was laying their hurt  in some way and it was being kept hidden from you. 

It didn't matter today though as you were back in the FBI building to give more evidence. Who ever was making the decisions would be posting Bucky on guard again just like last time. Or at least you hoped that would be the case. Stepping into the shiny black car with Nat you noted no other vehicles waiting. A pang hit you deep in the stomach. Tight and twisting your insides to become a knot looping your gut tight. Arriving at the FBI building, no Bucky. Back in the interview room, no Bucky. He really wasn't coming then. You tried to tell yourself it didn't matter. Maybe he didn't know? Maybe he was hurt, Nat lied? Or maybe he didn't actually care after all....he was done with your mess and had his own problems to worry about.

Natasha pulled you out of your thoughts as she clipped the heart monitor around your wrist once again.

"Y/n, I hope you are okay with me listening in today? Fury has stated no to you being unsupervised in such a .... delicate situation." Natasha clipped the monitor on efficiently then looked into your face to get a read on your mood. She could tell by the silent car ride something was bothering you.

"Scared I'll make everyone look bad to the FBI? Yeah I get it. One question though, if I flip think you can take down on your own?" taunting Nat playfully yet your voice took on a serious edge.

"No, but this probably could." Natasha patted her utility belt that seemed to hold several batons, stung guns and you weren't sure what else. "Just don't make me use them, plus the tranquilizers in the monitor should send you sleepy byes. Should."

 You forced a smile that never quite made into your eyes. This was Natasha, of course she picked up on it instantly putting her on edge. You were starting off todays interview in already dampened spirits would your limits me reached today? Nat hoped not to find out.

 Agent Barratt entered the room and greeted the both of you warmly, his general aura of calm was very reassuring. He stood himself next to the camera checking the angle and focus. Natasha without a word took up her position by the door on guard duty, or was it more like a baby sitter? Agent Rose followed soon after.

"Okay Y/N thank you for joining us again, just like before we can stop at anytime. We will continue from where we left previously, is this okay?"  Agent Barratt queried.

"Yes, it's fine," you nodded.

"Last time we talked about how you found yourself at the barn with the gang members. Is it okay to talk about living conditions of those held there?"  Agent Rose spoke this time.

You closed your eyes to compose yourself a second before answering the question, answering meant reliving it through the memories. You were unaware of Nat slightly tensing as you fell silent and still, unaware of why you were taking a moment to respond.

"Well, the barn wasn't huge but it was a decent size. You could fit quite a few girls in with a large gap inbetween them. It was  cold and drafty. It was also dirty, It was rarely cleaned as as you can imagine wasn't pleasant with us living there sometimes unable to go to a toilet or wash. We were provided with a bucket to um, do business.  But you had to be conscious to get to it and chains long enough to reach.  Generally the girls would be considerate and try to move it to whoever needed it, but could be hard with language barriers. Straw would be on the floor. Made easier mopping up of blood and what have you. We were washed only after um, visitors. Even then they would sometimes forget and only remember the next time you had....a a um, visitor." You looked at the agents letting out a sigh.

"What about food while you were there?" 

"It depended. Some girls didn't get fed. You knew then they weren't there to stay. If you got fed it ment they wanted you alive, they were going to use you some more. Minute you were no longer useful or had already been sold to someone they stopped the food. It would be cheap basics mostly. Nasty bread with butter. Pasta with nothing else. Sometimes they would through you an apple. Bread was usual though, bread was cheap and filled us up."

"Did you ever leave the barn Y/N?" 

"Yes, to the house. Not far was a farm house they would take you took. They blind folded you though, so you didn't know where you were going."

"On what occasions would you go to the house?"

"If you were lucky enough to be having a bath or shower. But they would wash you. You remained hands bound and drugged to stop escape.  Often you would be taken for a customer of theirs to use a bedroom. Not all wanted to fuck you on a barn floor." You winced slightly at using a swear word and the harsh tone that it came out with.

"Did, did they drug you often?" Agent Rose had a wide eyed expression as she tried to hide her shock and disgust but failed.

"Yeah, it was perfect for them to keep us from making a fuss. Some girls wouldn't need it they were to scared or shocked and never put up a fight. Others were permanently doped up as they got  angry at your shouting or crying, it was better when out of it. Girls would scream just hoping they would come with a needle or tablet or powder or anything. You would welcome oblivion and not care what happened. Girls died. Lots of over doses."

"Did you scream? What would happen if a girl passed away?"

"No, I refused to make a sound. This pissed them off more. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. As for deaths, sometimes they wouldn't even notice straight away and they would be left their for hours, days, other times they knew and just didn't care and would leave the body in the barn with you. I, I don't know what they did with the um,bodies, they would just drag them out. It....it was their eyes..."

"What about their eyes?"

"The girls had eyes of death. Some times they would pass away with their eyes open...and you couldn't tell. Those still alive were so past it the dead and the alive all looked the same. If in the barn long enough your eyes would turn to the dull glazed over look as well. No spark left in them. Dead eyes. All one  in the same. The barn was like a shallow grave for both the living and the dead."

 "Do you need to take a break at all y/n? Next subject is going to be what happened to the girls when they had the visitors as you call them." Agent Rose continued taking the lead.

You blinked back a tear but forced yourself to take deep breaths. You could see the monitor flashing faster on your wrists. You were determined to see this through and that meant keeping it together.

"No...No, I'm fine, thanks." And there was another fake smile that managed to fall flat. "What would you like to know?"

"What happened when a man came to um, visit?"

"Honestly? Anything and everything. It depended on what they wanted. They were given complete control over you as long as it was paid for. Straight up sex was cheap. But if anything that would inflict wounds or do some damage be more. If you were bought or owned by someone it meant they had paid to kill that girl. Or they knew what they had in mind would kill ;em. Now that shit was not cheap but surprisingly popular."

"So you were never bought then?" 

"Oh no, I was, I was never bought with intention to kill me but they bought me to hurt me. I just managed to surprise them by living.  Ha, the Russian bastards just didn't expect it"

"Can you talk about your experiences with visitors or when bought?"

"There was sex. A lot of sex. What can I say? That was the whole point of us being there. If lucky they would do what they wanted and go. If you were only raped you were lucky. It is when they had an idea in mind it would be more um complicated. They wouldn't want you drugged for that. They enjoyed you screaming and fighting back.  It could be anything. Could  be getting tied up, could be getting whipped, could be um more than one guy, could be literally anything. Men could piss or defecate on you, bring their dog with them to join in, could put what ever they wanted in you. I'm sorry agents you don't want to hear this....if you can picture it someone did it...." your voice trailed off realising how bad this must sound to them. To you that was a normal thing to remember in your head. Out loud made you see how far from normal such memories were.

"No y/n this is exactly the evidence we need," Barratt reassured. "I understand this must be difficult to talk about but you are proof these girls existed. Proof of what happened there. Proof we need to take down suspects. I think we shall wrap this up for today Y/N. You have done great today, thank you."

Agent Rose waited until you and Natasha had left the room before turning to her partner. A mixture of annoyance and confusion on her face. "Why are we wrapping up already? We were doing great, she was giving us great answers, I had more questions?"

"Rose, did you just hear the same as I did? This isn't some dark crime thriller novel. What she is telling us, it was real. Give her a god damn break. Little bits at a time. It's amazing shes even alive to tell her tale."

Agent Rose sighed knowing he was right. "We are just so close. So close. We can't let these bastards get away. We need all the evidence we can. This is the worst human trafficking gang we have come across, we only have one known survivor. We need this. We need her."

 


	42. Clavical part 42 (take me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Well take me, take me back to your bed  
> I love you so much that it hurts my head  
> Say I don't mind you under my skin  
> I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in"  
> Brand New - Degausser

Heading to the car waiting to take you back to headquarters from the FBI your body felt heavy and unresponsive, the world around you seemed distant, a blur.  Each step an effort to keep going and not just fall apart where you stood. This had been far more draining than you had anticipated. Tears pricked at your eyes but you held them back with all your might. You refused to cry here, not now, not in front of Natasha. You had built up this facade of being devoid of emotion and sharp tongued, sarcasm kept people at bay. For a long time this had been you though not an act. Then fucking Barnes came along and awoken something inside. You were fine being cold and distant it was what you had been made to be, it wasn't a choice you suddenly woke up and made one day. And you certainly did not choose for emotions to start to resurface. There were now three versions of Y/N  L/N. Pre barn era, after barn and now post Bucky. Each one different and changed, no longer the same person.  Bucky, Bucky, fucking Bucky.  You could not get him out of your mind he was just now part of your daily thoughts, popping into your mind at any moment. It was driving you insane, were all feelings for loved ones this intense? Or was there something different about the connection between you and Bucky? You struggled to fall back on previous romantic entanglements as you were so limited. Your life before the barn felt like a lifetime ago and a world away, your brain struggled to connect those memories as yours and with difficulty placed you in the long ago care free days.

Bucky had been distant since his return from the mission not replying to messages and he had not come to seek you out. This played on your mind, on your insecurities. Last time you had seen him he had been nothing but affectionate, before he rushed out on this mission. You thought perhaps he had forgiven you for running away and things would return to before you had left. Maybe Bucky was annoyed at the failure to complete the act. Once again you dangled it in front of him to snatch it away at the last moment. Such wishful thinking on your part that he was finally ready to welcome you with arms wide again. HE was the reason you returned, not the rest of the Avengers.

Reaching the shiny black car awaiting you, you reached out to grab the handle to be met by your red headed companions hand opening it for you.

"Y/N," she practically whispered. "I know it means nothing, but for what it's worth I'm sorry you went through that."

You didn't reply and you stood motionless eyes locked on the door handle of the car. If you were to look at her it would betray your feelings. Her eyes were trained on yours searching for a read on you. You closed your eyes and let out a sigh of defeat. Your shoulders slumped down, your hands fell limp at your side when you finally looked up into hers. Natasha's own eyes pricked with pity and empathy seeing how heavy the sorrow was within your eyes. The gaze was that of a wounded puppy, not a strong avenger. If eyes were the window to the soul it was revealing much about you. Your initial instinct was to reply with a sarcastic remark, perhaps point out sorrys didn't change the past but in the moment you were to burdened with sadness for the words to form in your mouth. Silence was easier.

You kept up this silence through the car ride, a dark cloud over you as you kept your gaze trained out of the window. Thoughts rushed through your brain.  Those eyes, you just kept seeing those eyes.  Blue eyes, green eyes brown eyes. Dead eyes. All dead and gone for along time now but the death lingered in your memories. It felt wrong to say that they lived on in your memories as they had been shells of a person the minute the Russians laid their hands on them. They never had any option than to become the living dead. No they continued on with you, you carried them around with you as ghosts until you yourself departed this earth and joined them. Some would say you should be thankful you made it out, but what were you thankful for? A life time of scars and haunting memories. 

"Y/n?" Natasha interrupted your thoughts. "Is it okay to take off the monitor now?"

Without even so much as a glance in her direction you lifted your wrist to her so she could remove it. Natasha's feelings of pity for you were changing to that of uneasiness. She couldn't put her finger on it as you were hard to read and predict. Natasha had seen you  in various mood. This was a new one and she had no clue where it could be heading. This was the first time Natasha actually could say she feared you. Pulling out her phone she sent a heads up to Steve to keep certain people away from communal area. Specifically Wanda although she didn't even have to say the name, Steve would know. It came to her to perhaps contact Bucky and have him meet you guys there. He could be a watch dog for the rest of the day,  but where were you guys in terms of a relationship? Natasha wasn't sure if it would be meddling or would Bucky actually have an opposite affect. Natasha was concerned and confused , her default state was to be on alert and she couldn't turn that off.

Somewhere between existing the car and heading to you room your mood shifted direction. Anger started to seep in.  Anger that it happened. Anger at those men. Anger that your survived. These men didn't kill you, they didn't take your breath they took part of your soul. They robbed you of EVERYTHING. Slamming the door to your room you paced up and down. Rage started to fill you hot overwhelming, consuming anger. Your hands dug into your hair, nails dug into your scalp as you let out a blood curdling scream. Pacing up and down the energy building within you. Nothing about this was fair. A foot connected with the wall leaving a boot print but failing to relieve tension. You longed to have those men in front of you now, rip their throat out, snap their necks, stand over them and watch their eyes run to dead eyes. Only to bring them back and do it over and over, this would still not amount to even a sliver of suffering they caused for YEARS. You let out big puffs of air still pacing. This wasn't helping it was only aggravating you further. Enough was enough. You had ended them, this court case would hopefully end anyone that could be linked to those newly found tapes. There was one thing left undone, one last thing that could be ended.

In a whirlwind you existed your room and stormed out of you quarters with new determination. You deserved love. You deserved happiness. Despite the voice of self doubt that popped up once and while informing you that you were trash, you knew really that everyone deserved such things apart from the monsters from the barn.  All the victims, the down trodden, the helpless, they still deserved such positive emotions God knows they had experienced everything else. Your mind fixed on your destination you stomped down the halfway, into the lift, made your way to the intended location.

Taking a deep breath you paused before knocking on the door. The echoing knocks filled your ears with anticipation as nerves rose. The seconds felt like an eternity before the door swung open.  This time there was no hesitation as you were greeted. Closing the distance you quickly locked mouths with Bucky stood in jogging bottoms and a tank top. Aggressive and dominant kisses that pushed him back. He struggled to shut the door as your body pressed into his. He felt your warmth and desire flooded him instantly. Bucky started to kiss you back allowing you to take control pushing the both of you further into the room.  His arms wrapped around your waist, a hand on each hip pulling you in a simple but needful act. He groaned as your pelvis rubbed against him. Bucky had never known such sexual need until he had  become close to you. It made his body shake as he fought deep animal instincts. Bucky felt like he would die if he couldn't have you, like his body would burst. It took such self control not to take you. You felt his stubble rub against your face as over and over your mouth delved into his. He smelt of sweat and shampoo. A combination you never found to be erotic until now.

Pushing away slightly you broke the kiss. You flung your black jacket to the floor. Instantly going to lift your top up and removing it. Your hands moved to behind you unclasping your bra so fast Bucky hardly realised what you were doing. He took a sharp inhale of air and bit his lip as his eyes narrowed at the sight of you. You were stunning in his eyes, scars and all. 

The words that left your mouth were such a huge contrast to your bold actions. Practically a whisper. "Bucky, take me back to your bed. I love you so much, it hurts my head how much I love you. I need you. I need you please Bucky. I'm ready to let you in. Truly."

"Are you sure?" Bucky kicked himself for questioning this.

"There's...there's some bad parts to me Bucky. Isn't that what people do? Let each other in good and bad. I want you good and bad if you will take me whole as well. I'm done with feeling like this is looming over me. This inability to um, yeah, it hangs over us. I won't let those bastards define a moment between us anymore. I want them rid. This is the last thing of their hand work that's in my control to undo."

"Oh god y/n," Bucky groaned, "your killing me here."

"Sick of living in the past if not ready now then when? Done with them still affecting me. Affecting us Buck."

"Y/n, believe me when I say I want you so badly. So, So bad. Not like this though. I won't let your first REAL time since...then, be an act of revenge. You need to be ready because you are, not do it because you are angry or frustrated. I wont selfishly do it until I know you are really sure. It should be a natural act of passion not a planned act of hatred."

"Don't you love me Buck?"

"And that is exactly why I won't do this because, I love you. This isn't for the right reasons and you know it." Bucky stepped forward to pull you into an embrace but instead you pulled away from him.

You refused to look him in the eye as you went to retrieve your clothing from their landing spots on the floor. "It's fine Bucky. I get it."

Shame filled you, you turned your back to Bucky putting back on the discarded clothing so he couldn't see your cheeks flush red. You hurried in embarrassment, muttering something about seeing Bucky later.

You felt so stupid, why were you such an IDIOT. You didn't once look back behind you after being rejected. You had been in such a rush you had failed to consider the outcomes, just so focused on reaching Bucky. Your shame didn't let you admit any truth to his words. Bucky had refused to have sex with you and that was what you were taking away from this. Heading back to your room, you removed all your clothing and  dove under the covers. Pulling it over your head to hide from the world, but you could not hide from your brain that you took with you. You cried. You sobbed. You screamed. Your whole body shook as you discharged such a long list of emotions from yourself.

Tears stopped flowing yet you continued to cry out. Your face sore from where the salt water had dried on leaving crusty residues. You felt your heart was going to burst, the emotional anguish taking on physical pain deep within your chest. You imagined this was where you soul would be. It was crying out along side your heart and your brain as time melted away around you. It could of been five minutes or five hours. Your heaving body started to become still as the sobs eventually died down. You laid there completely still, staring blankly into the sheet that covered your head. The rush of emotions and their exist from you leaving you exhausted and your senses and mind dull. You remained in this catatonic state the rest of the day completely oblivious to the knocking sounds at your door. Your brain did not consider them important enough to register with your consciousness.  You continued to stare at the sheet in front of your eyes withdrawing from reality. Your eyes became dead eyes.

 


	43. Clavicle part 43 (it began this way)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So it began this way, I can't recall how it got started  
> So it began this way, I don't recall a thing  
> And all in all I guess it's for the better  
> If you don't remember anything, sit and sing
> 
> There was a time when everything we did seemed second nature  
> There was a time when everything we did seemed free  
> And all in all I guess it's for the better  
> If you don't remember anything, sit and sing
> 
> And I wanted you to know, it was you that we were thinking of  
> As we quietly died in the snow  
> A place we'd never leave, a place we'd never want to call home  
> A place we'd call a final resting place in pieces"
> 
> Alkaline Trio - Donner Party (all night)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Metallicheskiy d'yavol means metal devil in russian. If wrong blame google.

Bucky watched as you left his quarters in such a hurry he couldn't of stopped you even if he had tried. Bucky had not expected this today. Since coming back from the mission he had been occupied and not even spoken a word in passing to you. It pinged at his heart strings that he knew you were upset, he thought about how he was going to go about remedying the situation. Such social situations so alien to him and romantic ones even more so. The powers that be didn't let him dwell long, didn't allow him to go after you at the moment, he knew deep down he should of, even he realised that. His phone vibrated on the night stand loud in the now silent room. Walking over Bucky grabbed for it and read the notification.

Message from Banner simply read. "She is awake. She's asking for you." 

A rushed change of clothing and Bucky was there like a shot. It crossed his mind to send Steve to check up on you later. Bruce's personal lab was the destination rather than the medical area. No, this was secret  at the moment from most and there was a secure Hulk proof room installed.  If it could hold a Hulk it could contain others. Bucky walked into the lab to be greeted by Banner and Steve.

Bucky could see her through the glass of the circular secure room in one corner. The entire room so clinical, so clean and so white. She was laid out on a bed, long hair black like the night sky framing her ghostly pale delicate face. Red lips like Snow White added to her beauty. Under the artificial lighting something glistened. Metal. Mirroring Bucky's own, her left arm up to the elbow visable on top of the white sheet. A large red star emblazoned on the forearm. A reminder of who she was, what she was. Bucky felt his heart beat faster unaware of why his body was reacting in such away to the women that laid before him.

"Bucky," Steve tried to get the mans attention watching Buckys eyes trained solely on her. "Buck. Listen. She's asking after you. Is this a good idea?" 

 "Don't worry cap, I'll be fine, I'm able to look after myself." Bucky took steps to the door of the room within the lab. He didn't admit rhat something about this mysterious women had him shook.

"Please Buck, we don't know anything about her or her intentions. Can we trust her?" Concern etched onto the captains face.

Bucky failed to reply. Something in his heart said yes but he was unsure why. Yes she was still an unknown, but something about her...Bucky threw caution to the wind and slowly entered the room. Bucky had been there when they found her. He had been pouring through files. He had watched over her as she slept. He had put hours unto her already.This was first time with her being conscious though.

Her large brilliant blue eyes opened and snapped in his direction as he approached. 

"Soldat." Her voice heavily accented with Russian.

Bucky froze at the word, the language. His metal hand clenched in to a fist which didn't go unnoticed. Steve shifted uneasy outside waiting for any hint kf a threat..

"That's not my name," Bucky whispered in response.

"Would you prefer metallicheskiy d'yavol? That is what I use to call you is it not?" her lips twitched upwards in a hint of a sly smile. She raised herself up on to her elbows watching him.

Buckys head suddenly hurt, images rushed into his mind unclear like he couldn't quite grasp them before they were gone. Those words and her voice, it seemed vaguely familiar. Like a dream you can't quite remember upon waking.

"I'm not familiar with that name, should I be?" 

"Well, I was the one to call you it. My name for you," she licked her lips as she spoke. 

"Why would you have a name for me?" Bucky took a step foreward intrigued.

"Because I am, I mean I was yours. What did hydra or the avengers do to you soldat? You do not remember me?"

"Honestly, no. Care to fill me in?"

"Well Bucky as I hear you are called now, details of some aspects are slightly hazy. But everything to do with you is crystal clear.You trained me. You led me in missions." Raising her metal hand slightly, "you helped make me." 

"Did I now...." Bucky scratched at the stubble on his chin.

"Yes soldat. You did even if the memories have run away from you it seems you can not run from it."

"But you remember?"

"Just you. I remember you. I remember our missions and what they made us."

"What about before...this?" Bucky vaguely gestured at her hand.

"Ah well. That eludes me. I know this begane with you. Before though? When I was free? I don't recall a thing. Perhaps for the best though? I can't mourn what I don't know I've lost." Pulling back the bed sheet she swung her legs round and adopted a sitting position.

"Perhaps it's for the best that YOU don't remember me." She stood up taking a step forward. "There was a time what we did seemed second nature. You have changed I can tell. Look at you. Soft and weak soldat."

"You think taking back free will is weak? You don't even remember a time of being free though do you?" Bucky snapped. 

"We will never be free. Not while their conditioning is in our brains. How did you find me?"

"You were found in a cryo chamber on a hydra base."

"Exactly! They knew not to trust me. They knew what we could do. What we could be. What we DID," she spat out the last word for emphasis.

"That wasn't me. I was not in control of myself." 

"Yes....BUCKY....if it helps you sleep to say that. You know that last time they put me away. I thought that was it. It was so cold for so long. I dreamt I was dying quietly in the snow. Guess what I thought about. You. It was you I thought about. I wanted you to know that."

"Why me?"

"Because they trained me to focus on you as my superior. Their programming made me focus on my mission which was to serve under you. I became my programming. I thought I'd never leave that base, I never wanted to call it home. And you don't even remember me..." a hint of sadness in her voice.

"I'm sorry. It sounds like it was a big deal if I was your mission."

She laughed and steped foreward again. "Sorry? You are sorry? The winter soldier is never sorry."

"I'm not the winter soldier, I'm Bucky Barnes. Now who the hell are you? Huh? You don't even know who you are."

She could not answear. He was right. There was a time all she did was free and she did not have a single flicker of a memory from that time. There was only this final version left. No identity crisis. 

"Why am I here soldat? Why did you wake me and bring me here?"

"Because that is what we do, we help people. I have over come my programming with our help it may be possible for you to."

"Yes well we shall see. Thank you anyway....Bucky Barnes."

"I need to know. I have to ask. Are you a danger here? Are you going to be a problem here for us?" 

She gave him a sly knowing smile. "Only if you want me to be, you are my superior, I do as you order."

 Stepping close enough to reach out and touch him, her oustretched hand gently stroked through Buckys hair. An intimate gesture as she gazed into his eyes. "I am happy I am here again with you soldat. My mission is complete. They froze me when you went. I wouldn't help them. It's you I follow."

Bucky didn't pull away he stood there transfixed. He felt her lure. She was familiar. The sense of knowing getting stronger the more she spoke. 

She pulled away when the door opened startling her. Captain only had to raise his eyebrow and Bucky knew what he was saying, "a word please".

"Buck what on earth are you thinking?" Steve waited until outside and spoke in a hush tone.

"I don't know...there's some about her. I think maybe I did know her."

"We got nothing. Very little in way of reliable intel. Rumors and whispers. We have to get her to fill in the blanks." Steve placed a hand on Buckys shoulder playfully. "She has taken a shine to you that's for sure,  _soldat."_

 _\---------------------_ one week later----------------------------

Eyes stared straight a head as you lifted the coffee cup to your mouth slow, stiff, robotic. Staring into space just passing the time. Your eyes didn't move as Tony entered the communal kitchen, still just staring a head into nothing. Tony looked you up and down. Wrinkled t-shirt. Size too large joggers. Bare feet. Hair scraped back severely fron your face and not a hint of make up. You looked gaunt and washed out with red tinge around the eyes. The look of someone neither sleeping nor eating.

A voice muffled in the distance rang out, distant at first until it slowly came into focus and you acknowledged the speaker. "Hey, hey. Y/N. You alright?"

Slowy you turned your head, your face expressionless and vacant. 

"Oh. Sorry. Hi." A monotone, flat voice left your mouth followed by another robotic sip. It had gone cold. You hadn't even noticed. Unsure if it had been hours or minutes time had become distorted. Finding yourself doing this increasingly. Sometimes a minute would be strung out and feels like hours. Other times your mind clocked out for what felt like minutes to be hours. The last week had been filled with distorted moments like this. An appointment with Dr Andrews you faked your way through. No news with the FBI case. Nothing to occupy you. The idea to run,again, briefly crossed your mind. You didn't have the energy. To numb to even run from the pain.

 "It's 2am. What are you doing here?" concern etched into Starks face.

"I, I, I don't know. Had to do something, you?" you replied as vaguely and hollow as your brain felt.

"Yeah. I get that feeling. Barnes?" Tony watched your eyes briefly lower giving you away.

"Pepper?" You queried in return.

"She won't talk to me you know? I've tried apologising. I have sent flowers. I've sent chocolate. Jewellery. Messages left unanswered. I have fucked up big."

"What did you do?"

"I broke a promise. She knew it would happen. I reassured her. Broke that as well as the promise. Double whammy there."

"Welcome to the lonely hearts club Mr Stark. Members, two." 

Tony was slightly pleased something of you remained. That sarcasm that he had grown fond of. Tony made a mental note to talk about getting you back into the swing. Being grounded for this FBI case was not doing you any good. To much time to think could be dangerous with no distractions.

"Tomorrow come see me. I have a suit I have been wanting to test. Had you or Nat in mind for it so if you fancy taking it for a spin?" Tony routed around in a cupboard for food as he spoke.

"Yes. Be great. Thanks." your eyes still straight a head not moving. Tony found it rather unnerving. 

"Look Y/N. I don't know whats up with you and tin man but you aren't looking so hot. You should go to bed. Try and get some sleep."

"Nothing," you replied meekly.

"Huh?"

You cleared your throat then turned to look at Stark. "Nothing is going on. That is the problem. He has been busy. I did something last week. Something he obviously did not like. He doesn't want to know me."

"Did the talking tin can tell you this?"

"No for that he would have to talk to me. He's not spoken to me properly since this mission. What the fuck happened? He hasn't been distant. He's been nonexistent. "

"Ah. Yes. Well. You didn't hear it from me but the past has come back to haunt him. Tomorrow there is a meeting that will explain. Act surprised when Fury or Steve call it. You will find out I promise. Now go sleep. That's an order y/n. For what it's worth, this FBI case. You're doing great. I don't know if anyone's said that to you but keep going and bring the bastards down."

"Don't worry Tony I will. Thank you." Reaching out you grabbed his arm as you turned to face him probably. Something insignificant to others but this gesture meant something. to Tony it was a sign of your healing and growth, your trust in those around you growing. It was not lost on him. Tony hoped you hadn't come this far for Bucky to pull the rug out from under you.

Stark watched as you placed the cup down on the work top. You paid no attention to what you were doing eyes hazy and far off, the cup rolled off the edge as you walked away. Smashing on the floor shards everywhere an flecks of cold coffee splattered.. The sound didn't cause you to even look back. Tony turned to the coffee machine pondering over you. He decided he actually preferred you crazed with rage. At least that showed reactions, a heart. This was depressing to watch. It struck Tony that there had been no talk of your well being. While idle gossip was one thing concern, for a friend was different. Why was no one concerned for you? Why had Natasha or Steve not spoken about you? This team supported each other. You were being left alone. It didn't sit right with Tony. He was use to burying himself in work. People accepted that about him and knew it was his distraction. They also knew to bring him meals. Give him reminders to shower. Tony didn't expect the full team to be fawning over you, they had missions, their own lives, their own concerns. You had hardly made buddies with them but Tony thought how alone you must have felt. Alone with no support from those around you as you went through this FBI case. Going through the hardest parts of your life. The team had failed you for no apparent reason other than they hadn't even noticed.

 


	44. clavical part 44 (but she walks the streets so mean)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Carmen, Carmen, staying up til morning  
> Only seventeen, but she walks the streets so mean  
> It's alarming truly how disarming you can be"  
> Lana Del Ray - Carmen

Shifting in the creaky chair she looked like a nervous child trying to hide behind their mother. Not a brainwashed assassin trying to get closer to their also brainwashed hydra handler. She watched as the hands on the clock on the wall opposite ticked round. Tick, tick, tick, it echoed in her mind. Closer the hands got to the nine and the twelve more agitated she became. It was her first outing from Bruce's lab and it was to meet all the team members currently on base. At once. She had become familiar and comfortable with Bucky from day one. Bruce Banner had grown to tolerate her more out of pity and circumstance than anything else. He could not help her accommodation being in his work space.  He found her broken mind sad.

"Bucky...," she nervously said looking at him next to her with her puppy dog eyes.

"You'll be fine. Smile. Say hi. They will be wary, as was I when we first met." Bucky felt like a fraud giving out advice on social situations. Everyone else aware of her made it clear they were not going to stick around. Steve kept warning him. He felt sympathy and responsibility. He brought her out of cryo, brought her here. She needed someone on her side. Steve understood that. He had brought two Avengers into the fold including Bucky. He got that protective urge and feeling of responsibility. He still didn't like it and made it clear to Bucky though that he did not support her presence here on base.

The clock struck nine. One by one every available team member filtered in and took a spot around the table. You were the second to last to arrive. No accident you had cut it so fine as you were  hoping to avoid small talk. Looking around the table there was one spot left. Taking your seat you were oblivious as to why no one sat there. You stared down eyes lowered not aware of the uneasy glances and confusion. Unaware you were sat directly opposite the new guest.

Finally looking up you were surprised to see this stranger in front of you. Such a beautiful mysterious visitor, and sat right next to Bucky. Her eyes raised to meet yours, as they did so they widened as she let out a gasp. The strange women lent across the long, but narrow table. In the blink of an eye she pulled up the left sleeve of your long sleeved top and traced a finger across the scar on your wrist. Delicate and gentle. She proceeded to pull up her own sleeve and placed her wrist next to yours as you sat frozen. An identical scar visible on her pale flesh. Leaning in as close to your ear as possible she whispered a single word, "barn".

Adrenaline and fear hit you like a ton of bricks. The mention of that place took you be alarming surprise. Your eyes became wild. Leaping up knocking your chair backward with force, with one foot stepped up onto the table. Your boot landed with a thud followed by your back leg. In a blink of an eye you had your hand wrapped around her neck. Your grasp tightened as you pulled her up to a standing position and brought her to your face. 

"What do you know about the barn? Tell me what you fucking know!" You spat out into her face.

She couldn't reply from the force of your hand pressing into her wind pipe. A strong hand ripped your hand away from her flesh. It squeezed tight, causing you to let out a scream. A sickening cracking sound rang out as you felt a crunch in your hand. Looking to see who it belonged to you came into eye contact with Bucky. He threw your hand away and stared at you with such anger. Bucky had never looked at you in such a way. It looked like he was ready to attack any second. It scared you to be on the receiving end from the man you loved. The stranger noted the look in your eyes, betrayal. The guest realised the connection between you and Bucky just then. 

Steve grabbed your waist and literally picked you up from the table. You tried to wriggle and push him away but gave up as he pushed you out of the door and into the hall just as the last person, Nick Fury, was entering. Fury raised an eyebrow but didn't even seem surprised at the the sight. Steve told him to go on with the meeting, he knew everything that was to be said anyway.

You breathed deeply panting as Steve pushed you against a wall and pinned you by your shoulders to stop you running or fighting. He urged you to breath normally and calm down . As the adrenaline wore off you slumped down, sliding to the floor until back against the wall and knees bent in front of you. Your hand hung limp to your side. Steve crouched down in front of you. Picking up your injured hand he examined it.

"Does it hurt y/n?" the captain queried.

"No," you yanked it out of his grasp wincing. "I've had worse. It will heal"

"Still I would rather you got it looked at somethings broken. It's red an obviously hurts, you heard that sound. "

"Will it shut you up Steve?"

"Yes, do it to shut me up. Please."

Standing up from the floor you allowed Steve to guide you. 

"Steve?"

"Yes y/n?"

"Who is that bitch?"

Steve sighed and gave a run down best he could of the events of the mission and the week since then. Bucky trying to uncover her past as well as parts of his own.

\----------mean while in the meeting room-----------

Fury shut the door behind him and glared at everyone in the room.

"Everybody sit the fuck down. I don't want to know what just happened. Now, someone tell me who the hell this is?" Fury gestured to the coughing guest as she rubbed at her neck. He took up the seat where you had just been sat.

Bucky stood tall and begane talking. Explained how they found her on a hydra base and brought her back.

"So what even is your name little girl?" Stark shifted in his seat and questioned sarcastically.

"They, they called me the winter ghost. I don't have a name...." she trailed off unsure how to answear.

"We already have one ghost...do we need another. I think one is enough trouble," Wanda pipped up referring to you and your nickname of old. Bucky shot a warning glare wiping the smug look from Wanda's face.

"So, you were, or are brainwashed? What if we accidentally say some trigger words? You going to snap on us Snow White? I'm going to call you Snow." Stark interjected. 

"No,no. I..I, I'm not like that. I'm different to Bucky. I have no previous memories to wipe and begin again. I had all previous memories completely removed, then conditioned to follow the order of my superior." She looked to Bucky and batted her eyelashes.

Bruce Banner cleared his throat and stood to talk.

"It's like they took her mind, cleared it and forced only one thought into her. To follow her superior. Like she has imprinted on him.  Her memory wasn't temporarily wiped its like her mind was a clear slate. It took Bucky remembering Steve to snap out of his programming, slowly. This way there was no trance to snap out of. It sounds risky but was very manageable for them as long as she was frozen, then Bucky there when awake. When awoken she will have clear memory of everything about her conditioning but nothing from before. Will make her case a whole lot harder than Buckys.  This is different to other mind control. Its like an extreme case of Stockholm syndrome," he explained. "She has been just following the orders of Barnes. Not hydra, Bucky."

 Everyone stared at Bucky and the guest. All with one question in their minds. "Can we trust her?"

"I'm not a danger to anyone here. Only if Bucky was to order me. That is how things worked back then...Bucky would take me on missions. Back up that would not argue commands. If you can trust Bucky, you can trust me." Her eyes made her look so innocent and helpless as they looked around the room pleading.

"Well you were on the receiving end of Y/N already, two seconds and causing trouble." Falcon spoke up for the first time.

A snort came from Scott Lang and he looked to Sam. "That's not hard though is it, we should know. Welcome to the club Snow White of Y/N survivers."

"Alright thats enough boys. That's history now. We are over that. Focus on what is at hand." Natasha looked to Bucky giving him a curious look. He hadn't thought to stand up for y/n. Just kept staring at Snow White next to him.  

"Fine," Fury sighed. "Quarters be near Barnes. Limited access to communal areas like kitchen and gym. Tracking device to be fitted. Barnes. This is all on you, your responsibility."

\-------------------------medical area---------------------------

"How do you think the meeting is going?" You questioned the captain.

Steve sat himself down on the hospital bed next to you as you impatiently swung your legs. No doctors were in the building as Bruce was  in the  meeting so you had to pass the time awaiting Dr Chos arrival with small talk. The medical area so white, so  silver, so clinical and cold you were glad of the company since you were reluctant to be here at all.

"Probably not great. Honestly, none of us were exactly opening her with arms wide open."

"So why the fuck is Barnes? Huh? Why do I get the feeling he's made some kind of choice between me or her?"

"Y/n," Steve placed a hand on your good hand. "When you rescue someone or bring them here as part of the team it makes you feel things. Responsibility. Nurturing and guiding someone who's only there because of you. It's hard to explain. Like it reflects on you."

"Ha well cap, I guess I'm reflecting pretty poorly on you right now then. I have done this entire time."

"Y/n. Don't ever say that. Think how far you have come, at least you are on the right side of things now. Remember when we first met?" Steve squeezed your hand gently.

"Yeah you wouldn't give up even when I repeatedly told you to fuck off," you laughed.

\---------------------6 months before you arrived at avengers tower----------------------

The rain poured on the streets of Brooklyn in the middle of the night. It was loud as it hit the concrete and nobody with any sense would be out in this. Yet here was Steve Rodgers unable to sleep exploring familiar places and indulging in nostalgia.

Up a head he watched a women hurrying in the rain. Steve wondered why she was out in this weather so late. Curious he watched her round a corner and out of sight. His eyebrows met in a frown as he spotted the figure of a man following closely behind. To closely. Alarms bells were ringing. Better safe than sorry he decided to follow as well.

Quickening his pace he rounded the corner seeing the man catch up with the women. The man attempted to grab the female figure from behind. Steve rushed over but stopped in his tracks as he watched the tables turn. The female elbowed the man in the stomach. Using her strength she flipped him over her shoulders then held him by his throat pinned to the ground in the  pouring rain. Raising her fist she rained down blow after blow. Blood splattered across her knuckles The would be attacker didn't stand a chance. 

Steve rushed over pulling her off before she did some permanent damage to the man on the floor. 

"Hey! I think he got the picture!" He was surprised to see her properly up close. He didn't know what to expect but this wasn't it. 

She glared at him. Without a word she walked off leaving her assailant bleeding onto the pavement. His blood mixed with pouring rain, the gutter flowed red. Terrifyingly casual about the violent act.

\-----------------one month later--------------

When unable to sleep Steve started to find it almost a ritual now. He would walk around Brooklyn and stop off for coffee on the same corner. After a few hours of walking his brain was calmer. That's exactly where he found himself again tonight. The odd car drove past him, a cat meowed at him from a shadow as he inhaled the cool and quiet night air.

He could hear voices. Raised, angry. Sounded like the origins were from an alleyway up a head. Hiding in the shadows he carefully crept to the entrance and listened.

"You have been avoiding us again Stefan. This can't keep up ya know? Not how it works. Joseph has a business to run." A gruff voice echowed. 

"Please, please don't bring her into it. I'll get the money. Please. Not her." Concern rose in Steve hearing this pleading.

"Ahh Stefan. That is not up to us though is it. We can leave her out if you want. But...I think it's more fun to include her."

Steve threw caution to the wind and peered round. A man on his knees. Four men loomed over him. In the shadows a vague female form stood silent and still. 

"Hey!' Steve jumped out from the shadows hearing and seeing enough. "Leave this man be."

The four men laughed turning their attention to Steve.

"What, you think your some tough guy eh?" What seemed to be the leader spoke.

"Well yes actually I do, why don't you try me?"

The apparent leader laughed, he raised a metal baseball bat high and stepped forward to Steve. In blink of an eye Steve had ripped it from the mans grip, it cluttered to the ground. All four men rushed at Steve. Dodging and ducking, he tripped one over, two punched each other, the other held his hands up in defeat backing away. Steve hadn't even broke a sweat.

A figure rushed him from the shadows knocking him back taking him by surpise. They stood above him, boot on his throat. Confusion on his face. Stefan took the opportunity to scuttle off.

"But, but I saved you from those men?" Steve looked up at the figure. Instant recognition of it being the same mysterious women as last time.

"Yeah," she laughed. "Big hero. You saved me from my own men." 

"I don't understand?"

"Those idiots. They are my idiots. I was giving the orders. They were threatening to get me involved as a threat. Not to harm me, to harm HIM." She released her boot from him and walked off. Not a single offer to help Steve up or her own men. No further explanation.

\-----------------Another month later-----------------

Steve knew these streets like the back of his hand. Approximately once a week now he found himself here. People recognised him now as they went about their routine. He had managed to disturb a couple would be muggers gaining him free coffee now. Every so often he wondered if he would see the mysterious women. She walked the streets so mean. Yet there was no malice in her face. Steve was intrigued by her. She was different that was for sure, and fast, and strong. 

Well as luck would have it tonight would be the night. There was no rain but a dampness in the air threatened it. Steve was going to head back now finally clearing his head to sleep. Up a head he watched as a women hurried herself in the darkness. Crossed his mind it was her but the build was wrong. A man followed. 

"Here we go again," Steve thought to himself.

Following behind he waited incase he misjudged the situation. As the man pulled out a knife it glinted in the moonlight. His pace quickened to catch up and so did Steve's. Reaching the women the thug grabbed her by the neck and pressed the blade to her back. Before Steve could reach the would be attacker a dark figure rushed at the two. The women screamed, the knife fell.

"Go," the dark figure shouted at the women. Steve recognised the voice. 

In a familar scene the figure rained blows down on the man. A heavy boot connected with his groin doubling him over him pain. 

"If I catch you doing that again I will cut your balls off and shove then down your fucking god damn throat. Piece of fucking shit." She spat on the man wrigging on the floor and walked off to the shaking women.

"You good?" She asked the near victim who only nodded in reply. "Okay, good, be safe. It's late, go home." 

Steve stepped forward clearing his throat. 

She narrowed her eyes at him in disdain as she turned to face him. "You again."

"Yeah me again. Gotta stop meeting like this. What's your name?"

"Nothing."

"Everyone has a name."

"Not when your a ghost." 

"Does a ghost want coffee? I know a place open. It's free." Steve was grasping at straws and he knew it.

"Free cheap coffee. Great. Just what I always wanted. How did you know?" Sarcasm dripping from her lips.

Three more meetings in similar fashions and she caved into his coffee. Only on promise he would leave her the fuck alone, oh and throw in a muffin or three. 

Sliding into the booth opposite her he watched her. She was clean and fed. Fashion sense channeling the walking dead or military chic. Her eyes darted about the place. He realised what she was doing. Seeking exists. Head count of people and analysing for threats. This was someone who did not want to be hemmed in. Someone wanting to be in control.

"You finally going to give me your name little ghost?" Steve queried 

"Fine. It's Y/N," you flinched on admitting your name. Giving away information to a potential enemy. Something about this determined man put you at ease though. 

"y/n, I'm Steve. Steve Rodgers. I've seen you out there. I've seen you fight. I got to wonder what side you are on. I've seen you protect others. I've seen you do good."

"There isn't a side. There is only meal tickets. Girls gotta work in order to eat. Needs must. Now, where's this muffin you promised."

"What if I told you there was a way to keep on the good fight while still getting a meal ticket."

\--------------present day medical-----------

"You just would not leave me the fuck alone. You kept popping up everywhere. I had to get you off my back some how," you laughed as you and Steve remembered how you met.

"Y/n, what was the real reason you finally agreed?"

"Joseph, it was Joseph," you sighed. "He was first person in years who had my interests at heart. He told me 'little ghost, you are worth more than this. Free yourself from the past and be part of your future'. He threatened to kick me out if I didn't."

"For what it's worth I'm glad to have met you and brought you here. Bucky must feel what he is doing is the right thing as well. Having some faith in a ghost. I'm just sorry you are tangled up in this."

"Steve, the way she looked at him. It's, it's....not natural? It was obsession. It was all wrong."

"Bucky can't pull his head out of his you know what at times. He's buried himself up there well and truly. Blind to what the rest of us see. It's compromised his judgment this time. Honestly y/n? I feel disappointed. Not about him pursuing his past. Disappointed he's hurt you."

"Steve it doesn't reflect on you I promise." you lent against his sturdy body. A single tear flowed. You held the rest back, once opening that door you would be a wreck. No, had to keep up the illusion. It was only the start of the day. 

Steve felt your warmth, you were so soft and inviting. Gingerly he placed his arm around you also holding something back. He imagined what would happen if he was to kiss you there and then. He dared to think clearly the words in his mind Instead of an internal whisper, "it should be me not Bucky by her side." Steve wanted to take your pain away. He wanted to wave a wand over your hand and magic it better. In shock still that Bucky, his best friend, had hurt the women he supposedly loved and the women Steve tried with all his might not to love.


	45. Clavicle part 45 (raised in the valley)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I was raised in the valley  
> There was shadows and death  
> Got out alive but with scars  
> I can't forget"  
> Bring me the horizon - don't go

 You ran your hand over the cotton wrapping that covered your hand. Your little finger and ring finger had been put in a splint together. Bruising beginning to form all over your hand. Yep, an x ray confirmed bones had in fact been broken. You were reluctant to have any dressings of any kind. You waved away pain killers. A big fuss over nothing. Steve persuaded you to have some kind of basic dressing in place at least. Steve Rogers aka Mr Sensible. 

The pain you felt wasn't caused by the physical injury, no, it was WHO had broken your hand in more than one place that stabbed at you. A physical betrayal from the man you loved knocked the emotional wind from you. It was unexpected which added to the pain. No matter how many times you replayed the moment in your head. Felt the bones crunch. Heard a snap. You still couldn't believe he had done this to you. 

Steve pulled out a phone from his pocket and frowned at the message. As he tucked it back into his trouser pocket he turned to you. 

"Personal meeting time now. You and this new girl. Let's see what she has to say huh?" Steve flashed a smile trying to convince you.

"Only want see what she says about the barn. I don't want to hear another word from her mouth. Bet Bucky will be there to fawn all over her." A bitter tone to your voice.

"C'mon kid. You can do it. But please play nice?"

"No promises."

Steve accompanied you from medical to the now mostly empty meeting room. You walked in with Steve by your side. Standing across the table were the mysterious guest and Bucky at her side.

Both men looked at each other, warning glances in there eyes, watching each other suspiciously. Protective of the women at their side. Tension oozed from them filling the air.

No one noticed Tony still in the room until he stood up.

"It's going to be another god damn civil war at this rate," he muttered under his breath and not for the first time about the very same people. 

Nat followed but informed the four of you she would stand outside......just in case. Suspicion in her voice and in her face.

Bucky couldn't bring himself to look at your hand as it hung at your side. He saw the flash of white around it so he knew he had done some damage. His own shame stopped him from apologizing, stopped him even acknowledging.  Here was the person he wanted to hurt least in the world yet had done exactly that. Bucky couldn't even stand to look into your eyes. Fearful of what he might see. What might of replaced the sparkle in them. Instead he kept his attention solely on the women at his side. The name Snow seemed to have stuck during the course of the meeting. 

It made you feel sick watching how he stared at her. Eyes only for her now. As if you and Steve were not even in the room. You wasted no time getting to the point. You did not want to be in this room, in this confined space.  Every second Bucky refused to look at you it felt like the knife was being pushed deeper into your chest, awaiting the final twist.

"The barn," you spat out at her. "Tell me what you know."

 Snow smirked at your obvious irritation.

"Oh yes I remember you. The barn."  She reached across and stroked your hair. Every urge to punch her suppressed remembering Steve urging you to play nice.

"Oh my dear you didn't think it begain with you did you?" Snow continued untangling her fingers from your hair. "All though I do hear it ended with you. Hydra were not happy."

"Yes I was the last girl at the barn. Tell me what you know, what I don't already."

"The barn made me well this just like the barn made you, you.. The barn went deeper than you know. Do you remember? Why do you think you survived so long? Luck? No they had plans for you. You wouldn't break. I remember you. New. Fresh.Young. Beautiful. I remember one spat in your face. You manically laughed at him. It angered him. The rest of us laughed. They didn't like that. You were beat for that. But that's when I saw such fire in your eyes and knew. Knew what you could be."

You felt sick on hearing this. This bitch, she knew you, saw you when you were at your weakest.

"Do you remember the fight y/n? Oh yes pretty one. You nearly beat me. Had you not been malnourished maybe even won. They were grooming you in case I failed them. I didn't. You remained in the barn as a back up. Do you remember your dear Bucky here? He visited the barn. As the winter soldier."

Buckys eyes widened and his fists clenched. This was the first time hearing such accusations. He spun Snow round to face him.

"What do you mean I was there?" desperation for answers came through in his tone.

"Soldat, you got me from that barn. I was cherry picked to receive a serum but my mental conditioning began there. The beginning of everything for me. You were ordered to retrieve the strongest  girl. The fittest. The one mentally broken. Y/N here was not broken enough. I was. I did anything they asked of me at that point to avoid punishment. Y/N here made them so, so angry. Show us your back Y/N. "

"Why the fuck would I do that?"

"Aw so shy, I am sure Bucky has already seen it though. Steve here wants to I'm sure," Snow winked at the cap who avoided eye contact. "Just show us the marks. Go on do it."

"Enough!" Bucky finally intervened. "What about it? Yes.... I've seen it."

"That's where they wanted to make Y/N scream. Aware of how customers saw injury as a turn off, they didn't go to far. She wouldn't scream. She wouldn't talk. She just laughed at them. When she lost the fight with me they let the Winter Soldier have a turn. Oh you really have no memory, either of you?" Snow looked from Bucky to you then back to Bucky.

She lent into Buckys ear. You could see her mouth move but unable to make out any words your heart hammered in your chest. As she spoke you saw Buckys face distort. Eyes widened, mouth fell open. Pure shock written on his face. 

"What the fuck did she say?!" You screamed looking at Bucky. For the first time in this meeting  Bucky looked at you, sorrow and anger filled his eyes. His eyes snapped away from you realizing where they had fallen. He couldn't stand to look at you in that moment it was to much for him. Bucky grabbed Snow by the arm draggering to the door not saying a word. A sickeningly sly smile on her face. 

You started to walk after them Steve's hand on your own arm stopped you. Shrugging him off you tried again. This time both of Steve's hands locked on to your shoulders.

"Steve get off of me!" You screamed in a voice that was not yours. Pushing him away only made him pull you back more. "What did she say to you!"

"Bucky!' you emitted a shriek as the knife had been twisted breaking your heart. "Bucky! Please!" 

They were gone. Out of the door. Together. Natasha came in to see you fighting Steve off. Wild. Driven by emotion. Shouts of protest falling on deaf ears the cap prooving much stronger than you. You kicked, you slapped, you punched. Steve kept repeating your name in a calming tone. Over and over until finally exhaustion over came you. Instead of pushing away, your body begane to shake with violent sobs. You collapsed into Steve's thick, strong, waiting arms. Your knees buckled under you with Steve guiding you down gently to the floor where he joined you as you cried. The cries kept coming and Steve kept holding you. Gently rocking you he would stroke your hair every so often.  He whispered in your ear reassurance. Steve wondered to himself how many times in one day, no, one morning, he was going to have to hold you back from tearing lumps out of the guest. Snow was baiting you, he could see that and he would ensure you would not be reprimanded for today. 

Snow hadn't revealed all the details to anyone but Bucky but the implications were clear. Bucky was the cause of the scars on your back. A punishment for refusing to scream. Questions arose, was that all Bucky had done to you? Was there more to it? Steve felt sick to his stomach. Such atrocities at that barn and Bucky had been there. It felt wrong to say it in his mind. Had the winter soldier raped you?

Natasha remained in the door unable to take her eyes away from the scene before her. She watched as Steve gently and timidly lifted your top up only at the back while you buried your face into him. Revealing the marks that had been in discussion. Steve's fingertips brushed against your skin delicately, you flinched causing him to retreat. A second attempt he gingerly layed his fingers on your back. Steve gently ran his fingers over the lines feeling them, taking note of just how many were there. He kissed the top of your head feeling such sorrow as he mapped the devistation his best friend had caused.

Natasha, the strong, level headed, focused assassin felt nauseous. She knew what Bucky meant to you. She knew how you had let him in. Only for this to come to light and in such a mannor. 

Natasha saw movement on her right. Bucky. He had come back. He started to the door way but found the way blocked by Nats arm. Bucky looked over her shoulder taking in the intimate scene. Natasha looked at him shaking her head. She couldn't read his face or body language, she couldn't tell what his intentions for returning were at that moment

"Don't," Natasha whispered. "Just go. Now. Damage is done."

It wasn't you she was worried about at this point. Natasha was not sure how Steve would react to Bucky reappearing. Everyone needed time and space.

Bucky walked away. Back to Banners lab. Back to Snow. Away from the fall out of the revelation. Away from you. Natasha shut the meeting room door allowing you privacy as you came emotionally undone in the captains arms. Secrets had come to light today that had perhaps been best left buried with the bodies of the past. Your past refused to die even after destroying that place. That past had come back to haunt you in yet one more way. The cruelest way yet.


	46. Clavicle part 46 (hopes up)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "When I think of love I see your face  
> But when I think of you I think of pain
> 
> I'll leave before it starts  
> 'Cause I don't wanna get my hopes up
> 
> I'd rather sleep alone than play this game again  
> I'd rather play it safe than feel the pain again  
> And I just know by now how this will end up  
> Maybe it's you or maybe I'm the one who's fucked up"
> 
> Nothing Nowhere ft Dashboard Confessional - Hopes up

Steve sat with his head in his hands pondering the whole damn mess. It was still only mid day yet it felt so much later thanks to such an eventful morning. He heard your soft breathing from where he had left you in his bed to rest. You complained how tired you felt and it felt wrong to leave you alone like this at a time like this. In the double bed you looked small curled up, vulnerable. Yet so peaceful and innocent wrapped in the soft white cotton. Your bandaged hand  rested  by your head as a reminder.  After a message from Tony who didn't beat around the bush, Steve felt especially watchful over you.Tony wanted you to have some support around you as he had seen what a mess you were. Tony wasn't even aware of this new development in the drama that was you and Bucky, so Steve was not sure what mess Tony refereed to. Steve didn't want to admit he had intentionally been staying away. He sucked up his own emotions now to see to yours. His sense of 'doing what was right' meant making personal sacrifices, he could not go against that inner moral code. 

For the next few days that is where you mostly remained. When you weren't sleeping, you just stared at the ceiling or cried intensely.  Leaving his living quarters for hours at a time he would return to find you in the same place as when he left. Steve brought you meals that were mostly untouched. He bullied you to take a shower every day letting you just wear his boxer shorts and t-shirts. It felt inappropriate to go through your belongings to find clean clothing so he didn't mind giving up his favorite t-shirt to you. Of anyone in the world to be wearing his clothing while laying in his bed, it had to be you. Someone so close yet far from touch. Like the devil had put you there to test him. It was over sized on you  making you appear even more vulnerable. He wondered where the strong women he had first met had gone. He thought maybe you were tired of being strong. Like that fire had finally been beaten out of you. By Bucky.

The whole building was rife with gossip. Tongues wagging about Snow and her closeness to Bucky and Steve and you seemingly shacking up. Steve tried to explain it wasn't what it looked like but smirks and side glances told Steve they didn't believe him. 

Everywhere Bucky went Snow would not be far behind. She followed him around where ever he went much to the unease of everyone else. She was sinking her claws in with acts of helplessness. As if unable to function without Bucky. Bucky spent hours working with her. Cataloging what Snow knew of his history. Pieceing together events. Snow relished in this one on one time with her soldat.

When you did begin to leave the safety of bed again, you avoided communal areas incase you saw Bucky or Snow. You heard Bucky was trying to keep her to her quarters but she was intent on making 'friends'. Such exhaustion seeped into you that the effort of small talk felt like a monumental task.

On occasion needs meant you had to leave your cocoon of warmth and hidden security, wrapped in avoidance you were safe there. You were bent over head in the refrigerater pondering the important matter of orange juice or apple juice. Footsteps behind you made you jump. Swirling round to see who snuck up on you, you came face to face with Wanda.

"If you could see your face y/n," she laughed genuinely with no malice.

"You scared me," you smiled at her.

"Yes well bet you are glad I'm not  _Snow_ ," disdain in Wandas voice. "Listen y/n. I don't like it. I don't trust her. Her head is full of Bucky."

"Probably not just her head either....."

The jibe elicited a laugh and a cheeky smile from Wanda.

"Y/n, if anyone is going to make him see sense it will be you or Steve. Steve seems to have given up." A serious edge crept into her words.

"Well not like he has bothered with me since she got here. Why should I suddenly care?"

"Because you do care Y/N. I can see it in your eyes. I can see the rumors regarding you and Steve, again, are not true. Rumours about Bucky and  _her_? I am not sure what is the deal. If you can bring him back to you it will pull him away from her."

"Sorry Wanda. He has had a chance to talk to me. He has chosen not to. I don't even know if I want to see him. She can have him." The words felt like a blow to say out loud. They came from seemingly no where. They fell out of your mouth and it was to late to catch them. They felt final. A decision from a person who avoided making choices, regarding a relationship built on lack of communication and clarity. 

The words rolled about in your head as you headed back to Steve's room. You. Were. Done. Love wasn't always enough especially with a haunting past that was proving stronger for the both of you. Could you look him in the eye and not think about your scars? Not associate him with pain? But if you were washing your hands of Bucky, what was there left for you? 

Crawling into bed you felt the warmth of Steve next to you. Sheets divided you in the double bed but this time you pulled back his to slide in next to him. You stared in the dark at his back. Broad, strong and dependable. You pictured running your fingers across his arm, would it wake him? Would he respond with goosebumps? Would he roll over and pull you in to kiss you?

Bucky. You thought you were done with him yet when thinking about Steve, into your mind he popped. Images of Bucky and Snow, together, formed in your minds eye. It plagued you not knowing if they were intimate or not. If they were fucking it would make it easier to grab Steve, roll him on to his back then straddle him as you passionately kissed him. You pictured his strong hands on you running over your hips, pulling your panties to the side. His hard cock slipping into you as you grinded him...fuck! What were you doing? Was this a rebound thing, your brain trying to give you something to focus on? Where was this coming from? Sighing you rolled over facing away trying to ignore the lure of dangerous thoughts. The heat from his side of the bed comforting  as much as teasing  you as you fell asleep.

Steve awoke to knocking at his door. Groggy and hazy eyed he made his way to to see who it was. Opening the door revealed a mournful looking Bucky. Eyes ringed with shadows. Bucky didn't say a word at first, just staring at the ground. Steve put a finger to his lips in a shushing gesture and closed the door so you didn't hear.

"How is she?" Bucky finally asked.

"Other than a broken hand? I don't know yet Bucky."

"What have I done Steve?"

"It's more what you haven't done. In the past what, two weeks, since she got here, when have you done a single thing for y/n? You haven't have you. What you should of done in there was be a man. Stood beside the women you love even if it was difficult to hear, should of been your arms she was crying in NOT mine Bucky. Not mine."

 "But after that news would she want to know me? Plus, her hand, that was me,  not the soldat, all on me."

"Maybe,  if she thought you were going to be stood there  beside her to hear such difficult news. Instead you went with.....yeah...."

Buckys eyes snapped to Steve's. In his gaze Steve saw how lost he was. It pained him to see Bucky hurting as well. His best friend. They been through so much. This was one time Steve couldn't help pick up any pieces. Bucky's voice lowered as if whispers would make what he was about to say a myth.

"It's bad Steve, it's really bad. Scars on her back? Apparently, I uh, let her free. Then chased her as she tried to escape in the dark. Each whip mark where I caught up with her to let her run again. A sick game. Apparently y/n just wouldn't give up, so the winter soldier just kept coming as well. Snow says, she doesn't know if  I, um, the winder soldier um...." his voice trailed off laced with implication.

"Raped her?" Steve finished frowning.

"Yeah, Snow doesn't know what else happened just the game. I don't remember it Steve. You know it wasn't me. You know I wouldn't do that. Y/N has to know that." Pleading with Steve for reassurance.

"Buck I don't know what to say. Give her a chance to get over it. She doesn't need to know details. Not just yet. She knows you gave her those marks for life, that's enough for now. Make sure the words come from you though, don't let Snow be the one to tell her. It has to come from you Bucky."

"Steve," Bucky paused struggling to say the words. "Do you love her?"

"Would it matter if I did? It wouldn't change the fact she STILL loves you despite this.  It's hard to watch Bucky. I am just trying to be a friend, her only friend."

"She has to know I'm sorry Steve, she has to know, but...I can't face her. I can't stand to see her in pain, I'm scared I'll hurt her more. Steve. Please. Look after her. If I can't someone has to." With a heavy step Bucky walked off taking his shame with him.

Steve walked back into the room, carefully trying to avoid waking you unaware you had heard the end part of their conversation. Your eyes snapped shut so he wouldn't see you awake. The idea of Steve being in love with you, Bucky was questioning that. That moment you knew you were  in to deep with what ever unusual friendship you had with Steve. If things were different, then perhaps. If there had been no Bucky then maybe. It was to complicated to even let your mind go down the train of thought of 'what if' with Steve. You couldn't get your hopes up or Steves' of any happy conclusion to this. It was to much of a  tangled mess of history and emotions. You had to protect yourself from further heartache. It was bad enough Steve kept being drawn into your dramas. 

Come morning you dressed and showered. Whatever clothing you had been wearing of the Captains you put in to be washed or left folded on this bed.  You could not play this game again so decide to sleep alone once more.You retreated back to the solitude of your own room. Laying on the bed you stared up into the ceiling not sure of what to do with yourself. Your mind went blank as you just stared and stared and stared. You were just so tired it was easier to become numb and void than to process anything.  

A knock on your door jolted you out of your unblinking and blank void. Slowly you went to answer reluctant as unsure who you would find there. Placing your mental bets on Steve or Bucky. Anyone but Snow fucking White. To your surprise it was Tony Stark slouching against the door frame.

"I thought I told you to come check out the suit," he said with fake annoyance.

"Oh, I'm sorry I forgot." You had honestly completely forgotten about that.

"C'mon then, what are you waiting for?" Tony sounded impatient walking off not even checking to see if you were behind..

Silently you followed him to his lab. Tony didn't often let people in.  It was his place of solitude and retreat. His own personal sanctuary to stave off his mind from actual thoughts. Around the edges of the large,white room were various suites and weapons. Tony grabbed your shoulders guiding you to a table. On it was what looked like crumpled black fabric, it shined vaguely metallic. Not what you were expecting.

"Don't look so disappointed," Tony said. "It's more impressive than it looks. It's a light weight metal suit. That material is interlaced with fibers of metal. Not as durable as the Iron man suites and not so thick or rigid. It has more flexibility. It will move with you but offer you protection still. You can customise it by attaching weapons to various parts as you please."

"So great for hand to hand?" You queried.

"Bingo!" Tony threw it at you. "Put it on. It's fine on top of clothing."

Stepping into the suit you pulled it up and put your arms in. Looking down then up at Tony you raised your eyebrow as it hung off you comically. You no longer had your hand wrapped up which helped, the sight of the white everytime you looked taunting you. Without approval you took it off, you couldn't look at it a second longer. As you flexed your hand it felt absolutely fine, no pain no twinges. Your body had healed itself from yet another injury in record time. 

"Press the button on your wrist." Tony instructed.

As you did so it constricted to meet the size of the wearer. Not to tight but snug to allow movement. Silently Tony placed devices to the various parts if the suite. You could see what he meant about how you could tailor it to what the needs of the wearer were. A choice of blades or guns on the wrists. Thrusters or blades in the heels. A hood or no hood or completely face covered like a balaclava. Armour could be attached to the outside like shin pads or elbow pads.

When finished attaching various bits and pieces to you Tony placed a glass bottle on the table.

"Take some steps back, now raise your palm." You did as he instructed. 

When in place and palm out stretched he gave the order, "now shoot."

You laughed as a laser shot out shattering the glass.

"That was fun," you turned to Tony. "What else?"

"Meet me outside."

"What do you mean?" puzzlement written across your face.

As if in response the glass and metal of one wall slide side ways to reveal a  now open window.  

"Climb on the edge."

You did as instructed, looking down and feeling the breeze in your face made your stomach lurch with the realization of how high you were.

"Now, use your thrusters," Tony continued his commands.

Pressing down into your heel and releasing swiftly sent you out of the window. Cool air rushed passed as you went up, but then your ascent sped down and you felt as if you were falling. Tony shouted but you could not make out the words. Fear gripped you for a second  then Tony suddenly appeared next you in his iron man suit. You manged to stop yourself falling but Tony laughed as you clumsily became use to the coordination of flying. 

Tony  hovered in the air in front of you, "now try and punch me."

Flying to him you went to throw a punch. To your surprise the armor increased the momentum of your swing, you could feel the power building up. Tony dodged by rolling and flying away. It became a game.  You flew after him trying to mimic his mid air rolls and ducks. He was use to this and much faster than you, he teased by flying up to you then would tag you and shoot off before you could land a tap. You found yourself laughing at this silly game. The material kept you surprisingly warm while in in the air. After a short while you became tired and went back to the lab through the same window you existed. Tony removed his mask watching you get use to walking on the ground again, rosy cheeked and big smiles. He was happy to see you smile.

You felt your stomach still rolling as if you were flying, it felts like it was churning  round and round. A feeling began to rise in your stomach threading to make an exist.

"Oh my god,  Tony where's a sink or bin?" One hand to your mouth the other on your close to erupting stomach stomach, acid burning your throat. He pointed to a sink in the corner. "I'm going to be sick."

Rushing over you couldn't hold it back anymore and were thankful you had made it to the sink. It struck you you had not hand breakfast, no wonder you felt nauseous after all that and haven not eaten. You felt such embarrassment as Tony laughed and smiled sympathetically. 

"You will get use to it. if you want it the suite is yours. It's got some hidden tricks. Will be great up against someone stronger than you are....Like snow for example," Tony winked in jest.

"Thanks Tony I'm so tired now but I have to say that was a lot of fun. Sorry about your um, sink...."

"Why? It's not like I clean it.  As long as there is none on the suit."

Luckily none had landed on his newest creation,  taking it off you hurried out embarrassed about vomiting in his sink. Exhaustion set in, heading back to you room to nap seemed more and more appealing by the minute. Your stomache still felt like it was lurching and rolling through the air. A temporary distraction but you had to come back down to reality.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoping to get everything more drama filled. I don't know how many chapters it will play out across by the time I'm done, but hoping for less general angst and more events. I have 3 or 4 main story line parts to play out that are probaby bigger than most of the previous chapters combined. I am not sure how to end it so may do a pick your own ending with a couple scenarios.   
> I'm going to start hinting at a plot point if anyone has any guess. Will be a few clues in up coming chapters. There may of been a couple subtle ones in this.


	47. Clavicle part 47 (Annabel Lee)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'I was a child and she was a child,  
> In this kingdom by the sea,  
> But we loved with a love that was more than love—  
> I and my Annabel Lee—  
> With a love that the wingèd seraphs of Heaven  
> Coveted her and me. "  
> Edgar Allan Poe - Annabel Lee

Finding solace in your solitude you laid down on your bed, your body feeling heavy. It was a tiredness deep in you like nothing you had ever known. Your head sinking in to the soft pillow such a simple comfort yet so divine. Not long after closing your eyes you fell into a deep, dreamless sleep. You welcomed such momentary oblivion.

Snapping out of the tranquil state seemed almost violent. It wasn't a gentle stirring, it was an urgent jolt from sleep. Rushing to your en suite bathroom the bile rising. You had nothing in your system to exit your body yet still your stomach tried. You felt hot and sweaty as you wretched several more times.

You never got ill. Honestly, you could not remember last time you were unwell. That was not a figure of speech you genuinely could not recall. You thought back to how well your body healed and thought there must be a connection. Now a vomiting bug was your first sniffle in years. You felt almost betrayed by your body. You would cancel your appointment with Dr Andrews that afternoon. You didn't feel like faking normalcy today anyway. She was mostly unaware of what had been occurring and you didn't want any reason for her to doubt your mental state.

Swishing your mouth with water to try to rid yourself of the vile lingering taste only worked somewhat. You wondered if Steve had this sickness as well. Could super soldiers even get sick? You hoped Snow caught it anyway and became violently ill. You smiled indulging in childish thoughts.

Walking back into your bedroom you checked the time. You noticed something that had not been there when you fell asleep. A piece of white paper on the carpet. A letter under the door. Reaching down and unfolding the note the paper crinkled. You sank to the bed as you read the words, you knew that hand writing. Bucky.

_"Y/N_

_I hope you read this letter rather than discard it, but I honestly can not blame you if you do. If my words are not welcome than that is part of my punishment then. Of which I deserve every second I am sure. I was unaware how I wronged you with my unintentional distance. Then the news of our previous meeting and my mishandling of the situation causing you injury was just about the worst thing that could of happened. It shouldn't of happened. Any of it. Unfortunately I can not take it back, I can only offer my sincere apologies which I know are not enough._

_We weren't like normal couples. We never discussed hopes or dreams for the future. I don't think either of us had any. We were just locked into the past and our present, neither of which of our own design.  Both victims of  other peoples plans for us. Yet now that is all I think about, my future and how you won't be in it. I feel as if we were both children when matters of the heart are concerned with steep learning curves. So unsure and unaware. Every moment together a lesson._

_Words can not express how sorry I am. I don't expect forgiveness. I don't expect second chances. If you want I will go, I will leave this place behind so you can continue with out me as a reminder if it's easier. If there is something going on between you and Steve  I will step aside.  Maybe he could give you what I never could and it would destroy me, but I would not stop your happiness. Free yourself from me and do not consider me in any decision making._

_When I close my eyes I see you there in front of me, in that dress from Tony's charity party. The way it fit your form exquisite. I remember the twinkle in your eye from the lighting outside on the balcony. I remember how elegant you looked. I remember your smile.  Your laugh.  How delicate you looked as you fell asleep. I remember wanting to run my fingers over your skin.  I wanted to hold you in my hand even though were not mine to possess. I saw you truly for the first time that night and you took my breath away. Every time I have laid eyes on you since you have continued to do the same to me. I remember how even then I upset you without even trying, Steve told me to say sorry for my unintentional rudeness. Setting the tone for all that has come to pass._

_I have never been good for you. Never been enough. I want to go back to that night it all began. I'd avoid talking to you. I wouldn't go to that balcony with you. Avoid all of this mess. I would fall in love from a distance but leave you be.  Free from me and the  hurt I've caused. You deserve nothing but peace and happiness if only I could do it again. I replay it all in my mind. Stuck in a loop._

_When you ran you took a piece of my soul with you. When you came back it scared me in case you decided to take more. Your eyes killed me as I knowingly pushed  you away but secretly  I was glad  you were back here. I am not sure I even have a soul left anymore. My heart and soul will forever be yours to do as you will. There could never be another you. Not even close._

_You will always be an angel to me. I love you and will spend the rest of my life regretting my actions, those I was in control of and those I were not.  You will always be in my memory as a reminder of what I nearly had. If you decide you can stand to talk to me come find me.  If not then I understand why and do not blame you. I deserve your hatred not your love. Whatever you decide to do, do it for yourself. I willl not hold anything  against you. Fly free my beautiful._

_In the words of Edgar Allan Poe, "we loved with a love that was more than love"_

_Bucky."_

A  tear rolled down your cheek landing on the paper smudging some of the ink. Reading the words made it harder to stand by what you had uttered out loud about 'being done', made you question the truth in your own statement.  Could you ever be done with Bucky. He was under your skin. In your blood. A part of you. He was giving you his blessing to up and leave, leave him and all this behind. And to actually grant permission for you and Steve? But could you do it? Could you actually see it through? Remaining here a torment but leaving would still not grant you freedom. Your stomach became a ball of twisted tension as the contact from Bucky did nothing to remedy the situation.  Your hands shook as your kept staring at the writing as if an answer would come to you. As if reading it again would light up a decision that would takeaway all the pain and the hurt and give you hope of a future of any kind.

It struck you that perhaps Bucky was hurting as well. In your mind you had imagined scenarios with him and this Snow. You had not imagined him heartbroken. When the hell did Barnes get so damn poetic? The depths to him that still remained a mystery to you. 

Buckys own hand shook as he slid the paper under your door. Just as it trembled the entire process of writing. He wished he could of said it all to your face but he knew if by some miracle you agreed to talk, the words would not of come so easily. He had no idea how you would react. Bucky had no clue if any form of communication was welcome. The silence between the two of you deafening in his mind as it was all he heard. All he thought about.

All he thought about when not with Snow that is. As much as this growing distance hurt him he had filled sometime with trying to aid Snow. The revelation of the barn gave them a starting point. A place to work from and dates to work with. Who was she? Where was she from? She did not just drop from the sky. Snow had a life before hydra, before Bucky despite what her brain had been twisted into. Someone somewhere might still be looking for her, missing her.

Her thick Russian accent lead them to believe that perhaps she was originally from there. The FBI had been brought into the fold as much as Bucky saw fit given the situation. There was a whole case being built around the monsters, maybe they had discovered something in their investigation, in their tapes, of Snow. The FBI were working  with the assumption that Snow had possibly been tricked to come  across to America.

They had seen it before. Russian brides or jobs as nanny's or house keepers. Even boyfriends tricking girlfriends to come across. Promises of jobs, money,  security. They would land in the USA to have their passports taken from them. The promises just lies as they became prisoners to their pimps. Snow was someones daughter, sister, friend. Bucky enlisted Nat to help with data bases of missing persons. So far none of the photos on the records matched with Snow. It occurred to Bucky maybe she had no one. An orphan? Perhaps she had no one to even report her disappearance? What if she truly had no one at all and Bucky the only hope she had. The mystery of who she was, how to heal her broken brain, how the serum she had been given worked all helped to stop Bucky from ruminating to long on you. Temporary distractions. 

Bucky considered heading back to your room after leaving the note. Knocking on your door and bending the knee to plead with you. He didn't care if he seemed weak or pathetic, his lack of faith in it working stopped him. How could you love someone who had left such permanent scars? He longed to go to you. His arms yearned to feel your warmth once again. Truth be told he selfishly wanted to seek you for comfort as well as providing you with the same. Bucky began to question what else had the winter soldier done that was just out of his memories reach. It was an awful sinking feeling not knowing what horrors his hands had carried out. 

Reaching his room Bucky frowned to see the television on and Snow sprawled across his bed. It was so casual as if she had done it a million times before. This blase attitude irritated Bucky. 

"I didn't let you in," he said as he walked up to the t.v. and switched it off. He turned to stare at the pale beauty. Her skin tight gym wear showed off her curves perfectly. Black contrasting with her skin for such a dramatic look. Bucky could not deny how stunning she was.

She rose from the bed to greet him. "I was waiting for you."

"Why?" Bucky stepped closer to her.

"What did she say? About your letter?" Snow smiled and pointed at the discarded notes left on the desk. 

"None of your business Snow, now what is wrong? Why are you here?"

Snow confidently walked up to Bucky, hips swaying, without a hint of hesitation put her lips to Buckys. Bucky closed his eyes but remained unmoving. After what felt like an eternity Snow felt him return the kiss for a brief second. She brought her arm up with the intention to pull his head in, deepen the kiss, instead Bucky grasped her wrist. He pulled his lips away as metal hit metal letting out a clattering sound. 

"Snow, no." He stared at her waiting for her to retreat.

Instead Snow lent back in restarting the kiss. Still holding her wrist Bucky felt his lips move with hers. Her scent entered into his senses and drove him wild. She smelt of deep, musky,oriental perfume and what he swore lust would smell like. Hot, scandalous, needful. Instinct was to press in closer to her body like a magnet drawing him in. Snow sensed his body go rigid, she smiled into the kiss knowing he was struggling to hold back. Bucky used the smile to break lips apart and push her away.

"I said no!" 

"What is it about her? Why do you want her? She has such a hold on you. I don't understand it. I am here soldat, ready, willing. Just like I use to be. "

"Get out." Bucky ordered throwing her wrist away from himself, he refused to make eye contact with Snow. 

Snow complied, but ensured she sashayed to the door, slow, seductive. As she opened it she turned her head and looked at him as she pouted her red lips. She would not give up so easily. She would regain what was hers as she was his. She had only began her seduction of her winter soldat. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this short? It feels short. It is hard to tell in comparison to others writing as I write on laptop but read on my phone. Sorry it's a bit of a filler chapter but my heart loves these. It may not drive the story but it drives the angst I feel for these characters.  
> I also use to have a perfume that fits exactly the smell I was trying to describe for Snow. A friend once said it "smelt like an Arabian whore house". His words not mine.


	48. Clavicle part 48 (Skinny Love)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Come on skinny love just last the year  
> Pour a little salt we were never here  
> My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my  
> Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer
> 
> I tell my love to wreck it all  
> Cut out all the ropes and let me fall  
> My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my  
> Right in the moment this order's tall
> 
> And I told you to be patient  
> And I told you to be fine  
> And I told you to be balanced  
> And I told you to be kind  
> And in the morning I'll be with you  
> But it will be a different "kind"  
> I'll be holding all the tickets  
> And you'll be owning all the fines
> 
> Come on skinny love what happened here  
> Suckle on the hope in light brassiere  
> My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my  
> Sullen load is full; so slow on the split  
> Now I'm breaking at the britches  
> And at the end of all your lines  
> Who will love you?  
> Who will fight?  
> Who will fall far behind?"
> 
> Bon Iver - Skinny Love

Guilt seeped into you over the following days. Guilt over pushing Steve away, you had left no explanation and you hoped he had not taken it harshly. It wasn't because you didn't care it was because you DID care you had shut down whatever it was leading to. You had once again ran, you hoped Steve would understand. A knock on your door pulled you out of bed. The first caller in days.  You had failed to respond to Buckys note, it sat on your pillow crumbled from being read repeatedly as you pinned to go back to simpler times with him. No FBI case updates. No Dr Andrews. No missions. No Snow fucking White. The anguish you felt had seeped into you in the form of exhaustion the idea of training or working out, or even a simple walk seemed to much to bare. Rousing yourself from your undisterbed days of sleep you didn't even ponder your appearance opening the door. 

Steve stood there with a tray of food. Frowning at the state of you as you met him with a blank expression. "Can I come in Y/N?"

You walked back to the bed silently climbing back under the covers leaving the door way free for him to enter. Steve shut the door and placed the tray down on your bedside table. You rolled away presenting your back to Steve not speaking a word unsure what to say. Gingerly Steve sat on the edge of the bed, you felt the bed dip under his weight. His hand hovered over your shoulder hesitantly for a few seconds before coming down to connect with you. As if trying to pull you out of whatever this was, pull you back to him. 

"Y/N...,"he whispered. "Talk to me."

"What do you want me to say?" Sarcastic response was all you could muster today. Your go to defense. Play the bitch, you did it oh so well.

 "Anything. Tell me I did something wrong. Tell me you are okay. Tell me you have in fact been eating and I just missed it."

"You did nothing wrong. I'm fine. I'm not hungry."

Steve's mood flipped from concern to anger. Using his hand he pushed down on your shoulder to roll you flat so you were on your back and had no choice but to look up at him. His eyebrows met in a frown once again taking in every detail of your face and how sadness had changed you. Without warning he bent his head down bringing you face to face, moving his hand from your shoulder to spot on the pillow next to your head. Steve paused staring at you closely, his gaze flicking between your eyes and lips as neither one made a move. You felt his hot breath on your skin. The tension rising between the two of you as time felt like it had slowed down. Each second felt like a minute. 

Slowly you licked your lips which pushed Steve over the edge, he couldn't hold back anymore watching your pink tongue flick slowly and seductively over your pretty lips. His lips connected with yours warm, soft and needful. Your hands snaked up to the back of his head pulling him in deeper now contact had been initiated. Your lips moved with a desperate and hungry need. All coherent and reasonable thoughts exsited your brain and his.  There was only this moment in time as everything else melted awaumy around the both of you.

You used your feet to kick back the covers from your body. Your hands still on his head drawing him in,  Steve took the hint climbing on top of you without breaking the kiss. Your legs spread to allow his body to rest between them comfortably. Steve propped himself up with one hand the other smoothing over your hair tenderly. A familiar warmth building in your body you had only felt for Bucky until now. Steves warm, solid body pressing into yours providing friction for both of you. Sexual energy building as over and over your lips rhythmically danced together.

Steve broke away from the kiss as you let out a deep breath you had not realised you were holding. He looked deep into your eyes as he continued smoothing your hair. You never knew a look could be so intimate. So much unsaid yet the gaze said everything. The pupils spoke of an unacknowledged desire. The sadness and the want in the eyes spoke of how you were both holding back. Reluctance you both felt for obvious reasons that did not need to be said.  Chapters were written in the intense gaze between the two of you. A story that spoke of how badly this would end for you, Steve, Bucky and the avengers team itself.

His fingers moved down so his knuckles grazed against your cheek, down to your jaw line. You turned your head to kiss his fingers before they retreated to your shoulder. Steve lent back in letting out a hot breath onto your exposed neck sending a shiver of anticipation through you. So gentle and tender were his soft lips as they connected to your skin. Tiny little butterfly kisses fluttering over neck. You bit your lip as your chest heaved with desire. A soft moan escaped your lips that you had tried to keep inside. Steve closed his eyes at the tantalising sound and feeling you quiver beneath him. Instead of the happiness of hearing the sound he felt an ache within him as he longed for more. A glorious noise that worked to tease him rather than gratify him. Steve pushed away from you. His arm shaking as he one handed held himself up hovering above you.  Shaking with the burning desire and lust that was building up with no release. Steve sat  himself up, taking positon on the edge of the bed once more. Pulling himself away from you while he still could. If he dived any deeper he would be lost to the tide unable to swim against tue current of desire. Leaning forward he held his head in his hands as he took deep breaths. Steve couldn't decide if he wanted to cry or punch a wall at that moment. Such a bitter sweet experiance he had not expected.

You laid staring at the ceiling coming down from the lustful high trying to keep your walls up, to keep Steve out after letting them down in such a spectacular way. "This is why I ran from you Steve, to avoid, well, this."

"I know Y/N, I Know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't of done that. But, if you cut the ropes and let me fall you know I will for you. Just say the words."

"That's a tall order in our situation Steve. It's easier if we are separate. Distant." Coldness in your voice that felt like a punch in the gut to Steve. Would he really wreck it all for you?

"How can you be so calm y/n? Is none of this hard for you?"

"Rodgers, just go. I am asking you please to just LEAVE. Do you not see? The more we put words to feelings they no longer remain unsaid distant thoughts. They take hold as they are allowed to surface. Keep them down. Keep them confined and then they can't grow."

"Is that, is that how you survived the um, barn?"

 "It's how to survive EVERYTHING. The barn, and the memories of it after. If you don't live it if you can't feel it. My mistake was allowing these thoughts to take root. First with Buck. I can't do it again with you. I have to cut it off before it begins."

Steve sighed at your explanation. "Y/N, that's not living though."

"It is for me...."  you whispered letting your voice trail off. Steve stood up from the bed but remaining motionless trying to pry himself away from you with reluctance, the pull was so strong. After a moment he strode to the door slowly giving you the opportunity to call him back at any time. 

Steve stopped at the door disappointment washing over you had not reached out for him. You were going to let him walk off. He turned his head slightly to speak over his shoulder in your direction. "I'm sorry I'm not enough for you to let yourself feel something. I guess the walls weren't strong enough to keep Bucky out. Whatever you guys had, or still have, must be something special. I can't compete with that. You are fading away, just make it past the year. Time will make everything look different. If you need me I'll be with you, just not in _this_  way again. Please, be patient and kind on yourself."

Steve let himself out after no response from you the click of the door shutting sounding  mournful. A poignant reminder that you were once again very much alone despite still being able to smell Steves aftershave on your skin. In solitude you let the feelings rise, bubble out of your chest  and spill from your eyes. Not as cold of heart as you led Steve to believe. As you pushed away everyone who would be left to love you, fight for you?  No one. But you had wanted to be alone, hadn't you?

You had not eaten, the smell of the food wafted to you causing your empty stomach to churn. Rushing to the bathroom with nothing to rid yet again a vicious cycle of nauseous hunger. 

Steve practically collided with Tony passing through the communal kitcken.

"Sorry," Steve muttered under his breath and kept walking. Tony noted the way in which Steve adjusted his crotch when he thought Tony couldn't see. Blink and you would miss it.  Tony smirked realising Steve had a major boner. Smirk growing realizing he came from the direction of your room.

"What's the face for?"  Natasha walked in clocking his evil smile. Tony's smirk changed to wide eyed horror though. Steve didn't look happy, Steve didn't seem like he was just leaving after getting some. He looked pent up. If Steve, Mr Sensible, was visually stressed what state were you in? When had Tony last even seen you?"

"TONY, what is it?" Nat demanded this time.

"Just, go check on Y/N."

"Why?"  Natasha queried confused over what she had missed.

"Please, Nat, just go do it, now. "

"Fine," Natasha clocked the concern in his voice. "You owe me the coffee I was going to make though."

"Deal."

Natasha strode in annoyance in the direction Steve had just come from. Reaching your door she knocked, no answear, an ear to the door she could hear violent wretching noises. Nastasha burst in not caring about privacy after how serious Tony seemed. 

"Y/N?"  She called out receiving no answear. Walking to the bathroom she slowly opened the door to see in. "Y/N!"

Natasha rushed to your side as you hystericaly cried while heaving into the toilet. The dry heaves sounding violent. Blood splattered the porcelain toilet as there was nothing to bring up  just an irritated stomach lining. She grabbed some toilet roll so you could wipe your mouth. Dapping your lips you lent back against the wall. Natasha crouched next to you placing a hand on your shoulder.

"Talk to me y/n." Nat lowered her tone trying to sound sympathetic.

"There is nothing to say Nat. Everything is fine. I'm fine." Your sobbing dying down as you were interrupted. 

"This doesn't look fine y/n. How often have you been sick?"

You shrugged your shoulders. "It's a bug that's all, been like a week."

"A sickness bug does not last a week y/n."

"I just need to eat then, I haven't eaten." Your eyes turned to Nat trying convince her to just go away. 

"Come on," Natasha grabbed you by your arm pulling you up from the bathroom floor. 

"Where are we going?" Your urge to fight gone.

"To medical, Dr Cho is here today, going to get you checked out." Nat kept her grip firm on your arm as she lead you out of the door. Tony's insticts had been right, something was very,  very wrong with you. Heavy ringed eyes and gaunt cheekbones. Ashen skin and dull, unbrushed hair. Nat could feel your arm, could see your bones jutting out in ways they previously didn't. You were disappearing in the building away from eye sight. Next time she came to your room she was scared she would find just apile of clothes as if you had gotten your wish to fade away from all the eyes in this building. Fade away from life itself.


	49. Clavicle part 49 (work and play)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Can't say I was never wrong  
> But some blame rests on you  
> Work and play they're never okay  
> To mix the way we do"  
> Jimmy eat world - Work

Natasha returned to the communal kitchen feeling rather low after stumbling apon you  head down the toilet. She needed that coffee. Now. She found Tony sitting on a stool at the breakfast bar working on a tablet infront of him. Without looking up he pushed a cup in Natashas direction. Nat picked it up savoring the first sip.

"So, you were gone awhile,"  Tony didn't look up as his fingers worked fast. "Was I right?"

"As much as it pains me to admit it Tony, yes you were right. I found her vomiting blood, half starved, crying on the bathroom floor. She looks awful."

"Hmm worse than I thought then."

"How did you know something was up?"

"Nat, as observeant as you normally are, I think shit is going on that has escaped even your notice. I found her in a bad way about a week ago. SOMETHING, I don't know what, has gone on with her and cap. She was in his quarters. Now she's not. He came through earlier looking like he was in one hell of a mood from her direction."

"Lovers quarrel?" Natasha raised her eyebrows surprised Tony was aware of so much, normally he was to wrapped up in his work to take notice. Truth be told Nat had been distracted by something in her own personal life.

"I don't know about that, I think she is to hung up on Barnes for that. I don't know. Not sure Steve would do that to Barnes. We gotta keep a lid on this team though before the pot boils. Where is y/n now then?"

Nat rubbed her temple head ache forming.

"I'll talk to cap later," Nat sighed. "As for Y/N. I left her with Dr Cho and Bruce. They said they are going to do blood tests and a  physical. Check for stomach ulcer, check vitamin levels, but Bruce said it's probably more emotional than physical."

Some time later you left medical (minus some blood and urine) feeling embarrassed about the whole situation. The looks Banner kept giving you were enough to make you scream on its own. Pity as he timidly touched you. What was he scared of, you raging out, or your flipping out causing him to Hulk out?Luckily they did not pry to much on a personal level. They also were not to concerned. Said you probably just had upset your stomach lining from heaving on empty stomachs, the empty stomach probably causing the sickness. You almost thanked god when they didn't want to keep you in any longer.

As you reached your room you realised you hadn't checked your phone for hours leaving it tangled in bedsheets. Low battery but enough to read message just before it died. Nat wanted you to join in some casual training/sparring. She had checked with medical first. Bruce said it would be fine. You didn't know that it was Tony that pushed for you to join in. He wanted distractions for your mental exhaustion with physical exhaustion. Mentally you swore at the effort to have a quick shower, change of clothing and brush hair and teeth. Most days recently you might manage one or two on the list but never all of them. Nothing fancy clothing wise you went for comfort. Tight black yoga pants. A black tank top and a black sports bra.

A knock on the door made you jump. Thankful you were fully dressed you opened the door half expecting Nat telling you not to bother. Instead it was Snow. She stood in the door way, tall and confident hand on hip. She slyly smiled as the door opened.

"Y/n. I haven't seen you in awhile," she spoke before you could shut the door.

"You say that like it's a bad thing. What the fuck do you want?" you puffed your chest up, your body language defensive.

She reached out to touch your limp, dry hair. Instantly you pushed her hand away causing her to smirk at your response.

"Hmmm yes you are starting to look more like the girl from the barn I remember."

"Snow what the fuck do you want?" you gritted your teeth.

"Just came to wish you luck in training." Snow started walking away from the door way. As you watched she stopped and cocked her head slightly to the side and flicked some of her black hair over the same shoulder. She oozed arrogance. "Oh and y/n, did you ever ask Bucky just what he did to you at the barn?"

You slammed the door loudly so as not to hear another word from her poison ruby lips. Fucking bitch. You had not forgotten about that. The fact the scars on your back were there had been painful enough. It hurt to much to seek Bucky out to go over the details. What did she mean? How far did it go then, was there more to it? Snow was taunting you, baiting you. You knew it but god damn it still worked especially as it concerned two things: Bucky and the god forsaken barn.

As you later walked into the training room you found quite a few people already there. You swolled a lump in your throat not anticipating that many. Your eyes narrowed spotting Snow, stood next to Bucky, dressed in almost identical gym attire. Trying to steal your man and your style now... Neither Bucky nor Steve would look at you as you entered. Wanda turned to whisper to Sam as you entered. You had hardly left your room. No one had spoken to you. You hadn't been involved in training for awhile. When you do return from this absence you look drained with a distinct tension in the air between multiple people. Once again you were a talking point.

You were regretting your decision to come. Natasha had not anticpiated this level of awkwardness that everyone was picking up on. She had yet to establish what had happened between you and Steve that morning. She was not sure what the relationship between Steve and Bucky was either. She thought she would play it safe today not push any party. 

Nat cleared her throat and stood before everyone to address them. "Great, think that's everyone who's going to bother to turn up. Looks like the great Tony Stark can't bless us with his company. Today we are just going to have some casual sparring. Nothing heavy, so a reminder to keep it friendly in the ring guys. Y/N and Sam will go up first."

Wilson nodded and smirked at you playfully letting you know 'it was on'. He was slightly disappointed when you failed to respond. No wink, no playful smile back, no thumbs down insinuating he was going down like a loser. You just stared at the floor, body much slimmer, with none of the usual sharp tongue left in you. Wilson eyes squintited slightly looking at Nat as if to say "what the fuck are you thinking". Both of you took up positions in the clear space of the gym that had been filled with thin crash mats.

You stared at Sam waiting for him to make a move, hand casually on hip as if to say you really could not give a fuck about this. Sam actually found it unnerving, he felt uneasy, it threw him off as you weren't making a move and he didn't know when to go. Fists raised he edged forward to you as you just stared him down waiting for him to come closer. As he went to jab with his right hand  you side stepped with a fast and elegant spin, causing you to now be behind him. From behind in the blink of an eye you kicked him in the back of the knee causing him to fall down as he yelped. Swiftly before his knees even connected with the crash mat you had an arm locked tight around his neck. With the finger from your free hand you mimiced a knife slicing his throat. Your easy victory elicited a few light hearted murmors and laughs from your audience. You threw him to the side as he coughed walking back to your place in the line not even breaking a sweat. You didn't even look back at him once.

"Well that was quick," Natasha mumbled. "Scott and Sam you ready to go now?"

A few more sparring matches went on between the Cap and Nat, Bucky and Nat, Wanda (no abilities allowed) and Scott (no ant man suite allowed). Your mind zoned out not paying any attention until you heard your name called. Natasha had debated pitting Steve against Bucky or you against one of them. She was intrigued to see how you would fair against them. They had strength and power, you had speed and agility. Sometimes it would blow Nat's mind to remember you had actually received no training prior to coming here. Bucky had not taken his eyes off of you once despite Snow standing next to him. Nat let her just observe not feeling it wise including her just yet. Would Bucky and Steve hold back on each other? That was a bear not to be poked today.

The sound of your name drew you out of your fog that had descended during these other matches.

"Y/n. Me and you now." The red head stood in front of everyone ready and waiting. Sluggishly you walked to meet her. 

"Ready Y/N?"

You nodded in reply. The trained, the fast and the efficient assassin did not make the same mistake as Sam. No, Natasha wasted no time lunging forward hoping to catch you off guard and gain control from the start. Narrowly you ducked sweeping your leg around to knock her feet out. Natasha jumped as you anticipated she would  but you used it as a  distraction to try and get behind her. As you went to lock your arm around her she kicked backwards causing you to leap sideways. The to and fro went on, little to no bodily contact taking place as you both effectively evaded the attacks.  To a casual observer who was unaware you would think it had been choreographed.  More of a dance than a fight as nothing landed the both of you breathtaking to watch. It was controlled, ellegant. Two nimble ballerinas, Natashas training showing through.  Natasha smiled at you pleased to see how well you were doing despite taking a break from training. 

You managed to grab your opponent around the waist from behind. You locked your arms tight thinking how to get her down on the mat now. Natasha tried to push backwards to unbalance you. It worked enough that you slightly loosened your grip. Nat seized the opportunity to elbow you in the stomach. 

Instantly you let go as pain shot through your tender stomach. You double overed falling to your knees audibly groaning. A cough here and there. You heard a laugh or two from the observers which soon turned to gasps. 

You fell backwards trying to breath through the pain. Laying on your back knees brought to your chest clasping your stomach. The coughs unexpectedly turned to gagging. You rolled sideways just in time as streaks of red erupted from you across the crash mats. Bright, red and fresh, another wave followed.

"Oh god y/n! I'm sorry!" Natasha rushed kneeling at your side.

Bucky without hesitation ran over to kneel next to Nat. Natasha mooved over to allow him space as he took control of the situation. He brought his flesh hand to your face sweeping some strays hairs from your face as you laid flat on your back blood vomit around your mouth. You looked up at him seeing the panic in his wide blue eyes.

Steve scrunched his eyes shut taking deep breaths. It had taken all his self control not to run over to you. The fear and surprise making his heart beat out his chest. He longed to scoop you up and hold you tight. Instead he watched as Bucky helped you sit up. As Bucky tenderly wiped a tear from your eye as you regained composure. Steve couldn't take it anymore jealousy starting to rise. He wanted to walk out if he couldn't go to you, but he remembered he was in the presence of others who would not fail to notice. Steve felt the pressure building in his mind. He knew he was at fault for what he was experiencing now, he had played with fire and was being burnt. Although he would not excuse your role in this either. You were both to blame. Perhaps you and Bucky should never have mixed work and play. It was an explosive dynamic mixing it the way the three of you had, it could never end well.

Natasha filled Bucky in on everything (minus mentions of Steve) regarding your lack of eating, vomiting and reassuring him medical had seen you. 

"Get up." Bucky demanded of you helping you up to your feet.

You threw his hands off of you once standing which pained him, "why?"

"You need to eat. C'mon." Bucky meant business as he dragged you out of the gym by your arm, fingers gripping tighter than he intended. Embarrassed you couldn't look at anyone in the eye as you were escorted past them. It was only Steve whos gaze you met as your head turned to keep the line of sight as you left the door. Steve couldn't stop himself maintaining the stare that was pregnant with emotions as you were ripped from his eyesight and out of his heart by the one who truly had it.

Bucky roughly shoved you into a breakfast bar stool and turned his back to you looking in cupboards.

"What the actual fuck is your problem Barnes?!" You shouted at him not amused by the rough treatment.

He turned and stared deep into your eyes burning a hole into you with frustration.

"This," he useds his hand to gesture at you. "This is my fucking problem. What the fuck do you think you are doing. Do I have to start hand feeding you meals? You know I god damn will if that's what it takes to get you to eat. Have you looked in the mirror?"

You looked down fiddling with your fingers and finger nails not answearing him. You realised his anger was just from his concern. The familar walls were trying to rise inside you as your tongue had sarcasm rested on the tip eager to spill out. Anything hurtful, anything to push Bucky away and making him walk away right this second.

"Why are you so concerned? Snow not putting out so you remember I exist?" You couldn't hold back the words anymore.

"Just DON'T even start with that Y/N." Bucky turned to face you again slamming some toast on a plate infront of you. "That is not what is going on and will never go on. I don't love her, I fucking love YOU y/n."

Picking up the toast you took an aggressive  huge bite while staring him down then threw the plate and toast at Bucky. He managed to dodge and it connected with the kitchen cupboard behind him with a loud smash. Your chair scraped on tiles as you got up and smacked your hands down on the marble surface fire in your eyes.

"I will fucking start. I have every right to start because we never even began on the subject did we. Oh wait, we did, you broke my mother fucking hand. Remember that? Huh? Remember the sound of my bones crunching?" 

"I'm sorry Y/N. If I could take it back I would but please just eat! Please I am begging you. Punish me all you want but don't punish yourself." Buckys eyes showed he had no intention of backing down. 

"Fuck you Barnes. Don't act like I'm suddenly a concern of yours now. Go run along to your lap dog. Is it walkies time for your bitch?" The venom dripped from your mouth as you spat out the words.

"Y/N. I know what you are doing. You think if you push me over the edge I will walk away right now. You think insults will get me too angry to bother with you."

"Get the hint and fuck off then."

"It's not working. Not today. I see through your cold hearted bitch show you put on to the real you hurting inside. You think you can hide it, I won't see it if you can just get me to give up. Just talk to me for once.  Why, why won't you eat? What is your problem?"

"You James Buchanon Barnes. YOU are my problem. You became my problem. It use to be so simple. You should of just left me on that balcony that night. Not taken me to your room. Avoided all this mess. Every time I leave my room I risk seeing you with  _her._ "

 Bucky sighed resting his elbows on the worktop and letting his head fall into his hands. He felt defeated. He didn't know how to make this better it was just a shouting match with no winners.

"I'll go. If that's what will get you to eat. I will go I will leave this place and leave you behind. I meant it in the letter. You won't have to look at me ever again. I won't be a reminder."

"The scars on my back will always be a reminder. My pinky finger now bends slightly different. That will be a reminder. When I close my eyes at night and all I see is you will be a reminder. When I kiss someone else and you pop up it willl be a fucking reminder...."

"Wait!" Bucky interrupted you. "Kiss someone else? Who else? Steve? Tony? Fucking who are you going around kissing?"

"Don't jump to accusations when I bet you can't look at me in the eye and deny you and Snow Whore haven't kissed. Look at me! Look at me and say it. Say you and her have not kissed."

Bucky couldn't do it. He looked down into his hands not wanting you to see the truth in his eyes, not wanting to see the hatred in yours.

"Exactly." With that you threw the bar stool side ways and walked out leaving Bucky in the now silence of the empty kitchen.


	50. Clavicle part 50(even with nothing to say)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The stars are aligned, but they don't align for us  
> Excuse me for I am the ocean, and I will starve for you  
> Will you know how to stay brave?  
> Such fragile moments we share  
> You are my everything  
> Even with nothing to say"  
> City and Colour - ...Off By Heart

His lips connected with yours so tender and loving. You returned the kiss deeply and passionately. You broke the kiss to regain your breath and stared deep into his eyes. The morning sunlight bathed you both in warmth from the window as the white sheets your only attire. Smiling you pushed a strand of hair from his face, tucking it behind his ear. He looked at you, hungry, starved, eager. No one had ever looked at you in such a way and it worked to ignite your own appetite. You opened your legs and hips wider to him. 

"Please," you whispered as your fingers entwined in his hair.

"Anything for you," he whispered lifting one of your legs up and slowly, ever so slowly sliding into you. He set a slow pace gaining confidence to go faster and deeper as he met no protest. He lent down and gently kissed you in rhythm with his hip thrusts. It was exquisite the way he filled you.

You gasped and sat upright in the bed. Looking around in the darkness you were nude tangled in sheets but very much alone. Your fingers traced your lips the kiss still lingering like a ghost. Your chest heaved up and down with rapid needy breathes. Your dreams had become so vivid and real recently. The question remained, who was the man you were dreaming off? Upon waking you were never sure. The details would become hazy and the identity kept secret until under the light of the moon the dream would come again.

The rise in your stomach became routine as you rushed in the dark to the bathroom. It had been a few days since the training and the Bucky fight. You hadn't admitted to anyone you were still vomiting. Still not eating properly. Food would appear outside your door at regular meal times. You were unsure who had been leaving it but refused on principle to touch it whoever it was be it Bucky or Steve. 

Your fight with Bucky had failed to change anything, just injecting extra anger into your emotions. You remained in a state of emotional limbo. Nothing resolved or changed as you remained alone, brooding on your thoughts. Who was he to jump in so aggressive like that after nothing from him? Part of you wanted  to poke him like a grumpy bear with a stick. What would he do if you made him snap again? If you pushed him further? Bucky had threatened to hand feed you, you smirked at the idea of him even trying. "I dare you Barnes, I god damn dare you to try," you thought smugly. It was almost like issue of food had become a control issue but you wouldn't admit it to yourself. Baiting Bucky. Flaunting it to him as if to say "you can't make me".

You returned to your bed finding the emptiness so cold and lonely yet safe. Safe from complication. Your hand reached under your pillow finding the letter Bucky had written. How many times had you read it now? To many to count now. Sick of pouring over the words you crumpled it up and threw it into the dark. A faint sound as it connected with something. They were words. They meant nothing. He could of been lying about his love for you. His actions hardly aligned with his words. Bucky had said he would go if you wanted him to but you felt you should be the one to leave. This was far more his home than yours. Where would you go? Back to Joseph? You couldn't again. You would have to find a new life where no one knew you. 

Sleep found you again taking you away to another vivid dream to awaken to knocks at your door.

"Hang on!" You shouted voice still croaky laced with sleep. Grabbing a bathrobe you made yourself fit for visitors. Opening the door you found Steve on the other side with a serious look on his face as he looked  down at you, a softness in his eyes. You instantly froze. What was wrong?

"Y/N. I won't come in, but I have to tell you. A lawyer has been in contact. It's about Joseph," Steve spoke softly matching his sympathetic gaze.

"What about Joseph?" Your mouth fell open slightly hearing the name.

"I'm sorry Y/N. It seems he passed away. It's his funeral today. You need to speak to his lawyer about his last wishes. Look, you don't have to go, you can just deal with the lawyer. Or I, I, I can go with you. Or maybe Nat or someone."

Yours eyes lowered to the floor but you remained silent in the doorway processing the information.

"Y/N?" Steve spoke your name again when you failed to reply. "I, I can go get Bucky, if you prefer him go with you, if you want."

"No, no that's okay, don't get him involved.Thanks Steve. Can you message me the time and place for the funeral? I.....I guess I need to go get ready...." your voice trailed off shutting the door. You gave Steve nothing. No indication of how you were taking the news, choosing to be alone with this new sadness. It surprised you how heavy your heart felt at hearing the news. Truth be told you owed the man a lot and you never gave him much thought. Guilt stabbed at you for being self absorbed. You didn't know if he would have any real friends and family going, just 'work' colleagues. He was well respected but a gang was still a gang. Who was taking over his role? You winced at the idea of blood running in the streets if his men didn't keep things as the smooth operation Joseph ran. If someone decided to move in seeing the weakness. You debated who you could tip off,  police? Would they step up patrols or would it add to conflict? You thought you may take a few late night jaunts around your old work locations, just to take a look at how things were going. Your name use to carry weight, carry fear, would it still? 

Your phone beeped with a time and place from Steve. Now what to wear, you had nothing really appropriate and out of respect for Joseph you were not going to walk in wearing jeans and leather jacket. Nat would have something you could wear that would be funeral appropriate. Pulling the tie belt of your dressing gown tighter for no embarrassing mishaps you headed to her room. Knocking on her door you explained to her the situation and with a sympathetic smile she agreed to help. Pulling out several plain black dresses she found the exact one. Slim fitting body con above the knee, long sleeves, high neck and black pantyhose that ensured no flesh was exposed but the outfit still flattering working to show off your body.

While you stood in the mirror in Nat's room, the red head eyed you up and down. You were still gaunt and smaller but your stomach looked every so slightly distended. It reminded her of images of starving children in charity commercials with bloated bellies but skeletal frames. It was subtle but there and she didn't want to point it out but took mental note to discuss with a doctor. She hadn't heard back from any tests from Banner but admittedly they weren't rushing them as everyone was aware of your frail emotional state and not medically concerned. Still, she thought she would go pay him a visit soon. 

As you sat at Natasha's dressing table she helped you style your hair and apply some make up. Nat was surprisingly skilled and a smokey eye and bold lip took attention away from the eye bags. Highlighter and colour correction helped with the dull complexion.  A spritz of perfume to finish. When finished it was quite a transformation from the dull eyed withdrawn image you had when you walked into Natasha's living quarters. You thanked her in your own awkward fashion and left. Heading back to your room you practically collided with Bucky.

"Y/n!" his eyes widened seeing such a drastic contrast in your appearance.

"Bucky!" you replied sarcastically, who the fuck did he think you were? 

"No need to be like that was just surprised. You look, you look amazing..."

"Yeah well don't worry yourself about what I look like Bucky."

"Please, y/n, please  just once can you not be like this."

"Like what? Bitter? Twisted?  Hmm wonder why that is."

"A fucking bitch!"

"Instead of a creepy, obsessed, part metal groupie with legs spread wide? I'm sure she's there waiting for you right now. Her metal hand feel good for hand job's, is that it?"

"Pettyness does not look good on you y/n."

"And when Barnes have I ever worried about what I look like?"

"I don't know," Bucky shrugged. "When making doe eyes at Steve?" 

"I don't need this shit today Barnes. You are a waste of my time right now. I have somewhere to be."

"Meeting Steve in a supply cupboard all dressed up?"

You lunged at Bucky trying to push him back. His sturdy frame refusing to budge as your fists pounded against him his chest and hands pushing his shoulders. "You know full well I have never fucked Steve! Why so bloody jealous all of a sudden? Just fuck off it's a funeral not a fuck date!"

"Jesus y/n," Buckys tone softened as he tried to embrace you despite your attack. "I am sorry I didn't know."

Slowly you stopped the protests and sunk into the embrace as his warm arms encircled you. As you slumped they wrapped round you tighter. He whispered into your ear, "it's okay. I gotcha."

You closed your eyes tight as your hands grabbed a fist full of his clothing. Clinging on to him tight keeping emotions at bay. Bucky kept you in this embrace silent and respectful of you. He wasn't going to push you, letting you know he was there as much or as little as you needed him.

You inhaled deeply savouring his familiar and comforting scent. It was the smell that had now faded on the t-shirt you still had of his. A smell you longed for. His hug was simultaneously the best and the worst thing for you. You felt so fragile in his arms and you didn't like this vulnerability. 

"I'm sorry Bucky. Please. Be honest. Don't hold back....are you fucking her?" you whispered scared of the reply.

Bucky pulled away and held your face in his hands as he looked you dead in the eye. "I promise you, I promise y/n, nothing is going on between me and her. Only what's in her delusional head."

He let go of you, hands at his side now as he let out a sigh.

"Have you told her that?" you raised an eyebrow and smirked.

"Yes. Repeatedly. Don't tell Steve I admitted this, but I think he was right. I shouldn't of brought her here. I thought, I thought I was helping."

"You saw yourself in her Buck, I get that. She wasn't what you thought, I get that now to. What I don't get is how you pushed everyone aside for her."

"She was a mystery I had to solve. That was it. Nothing more."

"So you broke my hand over a mystery?"

"I know y/n I know! I royally fucked up there. And again I am sorry!"

"I told myself I was done with you Bucky. Yet here we are, a meeting in the hall turns into a shouting match then turns in to hugs. This is just a mess...and I don't know what to do anymore. What we are doing, or not doing, is not working."

"Then why don't we try to make this work then y/n?? Can we start by just talking?"

"About what, I don't know what to say? I love you, you say you love me but everything in the middle is just drama and pain. Like our moments together are fragile, might break any moment. There is nothing to say. This should be easy, nothing about this is easy."

"It use to be...."

"Yeah then when I ran away it screwed it all up. Then I thought things were getting back to where they were, with you know the um shower incident, and Snow happened. I don't know how to get it back on track now. It's been off the track for so long now. There's things I would have to get past."

"I'll help you y/n. Whatever it takes, or can we at least just start with not fighting? No screaming matches, please just talk to me. I hate it. I replay that shower incident in my head. If I could go back to that day...I would. I would redo every kiss, hear every moan all over again. You are still my everything. "

You grabbed Buckys hand and squeezed before stepping forward and standing face to face with him. You gave Bucky a small peck on the cheek resisting the lure to place your lips on his. You could see in his eyes how he felt this mutual longing but you couldn't go down this route, not today.

"I,  I have a funeral to go to Buck. It's Joseph. He kept me off the streets, gave me a roof over my head,  gave me work, gave me food. He even gave me advice sometimes like the kind that made me come back here. I owe him a lot."

"Do you want me to come with? BEFORE you jump down my throat, don't argue, if you don't want me to fine but if you do please don't give me sarcasm. Tell me and I'll do anything you want me to."

"Fine, but you better wait outside. Not sure how they will feel about you, not sure they will like me being there even."

Just as you had guessed the funeral was not a family filled event, more a list of Josephs employees. In their defense they did seem to show genuine sadness at the passing of their boss. Looking around you saw no sign of what could of been his daughter he once spoke about.  It saddend you to think she never knew her dad and didn't know about his death. You kept yourself hidden at the back avoiding notice during the service. Men glanced over aware of who you were and made sure to avoid you. They feared you then and they still feared you now,  it worked for you as you avoided small talk, but they still stood in awe of you. You were a myth, a legend, a ghost. Gone but not forgotten. 

Following the congregation you went to stand by the grave keeping yourself to the back. Until someone pressed a flower into your hand. Looking around you realised others had them and were throwing them into the hole where his coffin now lay. Stepping forward you felt very aware of all the eyes on you as you took your turn. You watched as if in slow motion the flower left your hand, floated down and landed+ on the wood below. "Goodbye Joseph and thank you,"  you spoke in your head. As others slowly filtered away you remained at his grave side. You looked down at the coffin, your brain struggling to connect that the man you looked up to was contained in there.  You didn't care about social convention as you sat down by the graveside, mentally giving Joseph a speech you should of given in person.

Feeling a hand on your shoulder you turned your head quickly defensive to see one of his employees. A tall italian man you had always liked who should not of been in this kind of business, just trying to feed his family. 

"Hey, Antonio," you smiled at him weakly.

"Well if it isn't little ghost," he took his hand from your shoulder. "I hear you run with super heros now. This true?"

"I guess you could say that," you laughed.

"Listen girl, Joseph has passed on the business to Jackson, I turned it down when it went to me, not for me to be calling shots. But I know if you wanted to come back you would always be welcome back in the fold. Out of respect for Joseph as well as the fact you  know how to handle yourself. He had a soft spot for you. He's up there looking down on you happy you came to see him one last time. I hope you have been keeping well anyway."

"Keeping, yeah, the well part not so much Antonio, but thanks. Not sure I can go to that life again. Living on Starks dime has obviously made me a pussy."

"Ah ghost, one thing you are NOT is a pussy, you can hold your own better than ANY of the guys. Josephs lawyer is about. He wants to speak to you. I think you got left something in the will pretty girl. Chin up and kick ass, it's what Joseph would of wanted. I gotta run but don't let him down."

As you watched the suited man jog off to catch up with a friend you thought to yourself, "no Joseph would of wanted me to live, that's what he would of wanted." You felt a subtle breeze dance across your skin as time passed and you remained there as if frozen. About now is when you needed some Joseph advice. What were you going to do? It really seemed Bucky did want to be a part of your life if you could believe his words. Snow was a mistake and never meant to replace you. Bucky was not in control of who she was and what she knew. You admitted that now, it wasn't Buckys fault she knew you from the past. It wasn't Buckys fault she also shared that same past with the winter soldier. So if you understood this was not Bucky's fault what held you back? It was fear. Fear of what else may come out, you had yet to sit and discuss the exact details of what the winter soldier did to you that night to leave you permanently scarred. Part of you didn't WANT to know. Betrayal, that held you back. Bucky had betrayed you by being defensive of her which yes he admitted was wrong, but HE did that, not the winter soldier. You had also betrayed Bucky with Steve, even though not together it felt like a betrayal and you knew you would have to come clean regarding that. Self preservation held you back, what if this happened all over again? You let Bucky back in smooth over everything just to have it ripped our from under your feet again. You heart yearned FOR him but your head screamed AT him. This was the most clarity you had  on the subject in a while though so you told yourself it was the start of making a decision, whatever it might be.

Damn Joseph for not being here he was like anyone else you thought of fondly. That's right dead and cold in the ground just like everyone else  who had gotten close to you. Perhaps he was up there telling your father not to worry, he had taken care of you when fate placed you in his hands. What would your parents have thought of your life right now? You never completed education. No qualifications, nothing to put on a cv apart from 'muscle for hire'. You could never build a life that didn't involve violence. It was part of you and killing had become easier than you ever imagined it could be.

You remembered that you had left Bucky waiting in the car in the car park. It had been hours  by this point the sun changing place in the sky so you were surprised to still see him there waiting. You opened the door and silently climbed into the passenger side and stared straight a head at the windscreen.

Bucky stared at you taking in the details of your face. The colour of your eyes, swoop of your nose, the pout of your soft lips, the way you nibbled nervous at the bottom one. He could get lost in those details. He felt like he had begun to forget them and needed to commit them to memory once more. If the day came that this was all he had of you he wanted to hold on to the memory of your face in his minds eye until time caused it to slip away. Bucky felt there and then it was inevitable for you to slip away. Away from him, away from his chance of love. Torn between giving you the space you needed, avoiding his own internall struggle and just jumping straight in to kiss you. He felt no matter what he picked he was doomed, nothing ended well for him.

You didn't speak to Bucky, not sure of what even to say until you knew the one thing that was left to be discussed. Something that HAD to be spoken about. You had let Joseph die with words unsaid so one lessen learnt there was not repeat the same mistake. You were scared to hear the answer. You could feel his eyes watching you in the car. You knew Bucky didn't know what to say or do, you knew he was awkward as well, you accepted that about him in a way many girlfriends wouldn't, accept you weren't even his girlfriend. You were his something though and with every beat in your chest you felt it. You felt your love for him burning your veins, your need for him sucking into your lungs. Time didn't make it better it made it worse. Bucky was like an addiction, it left you fucked up  but boy could it also feel damn good inside you.

You imagined pushing him down into the car seat as you straddled him, imagined your dress riding up as his hands grabbed your ass, his stubble rubbing across your skin as he nipped and kissed your neck. Your mind distracting you from what it had decided to face head on.

"Bucky," you turned your head to him now.  "What happened that night? The night the winter soldier visited the barn? Tell me the truth don't hold back."

"Okay," he sighed. "Just please know that was not me y/n. I was not in control and I have no memory of it. All I know is what Snow has said." 

You nodded at him waiting for him to talk again.

"So, according to Snow while at the um, barn they pitted the two strongest girls against each other. You and Snow. The winner was to come back with the winter soldier for hydra. She won but she said it wasn't a fair fight. First of all you apparently hadn't eaten and were weaker than her for that reason alone, also you wouldn't do what they wanted. You didn't try to put up much of a fight and intentionally did not try. Snow was mentally further gone and broken so just always did as ordered. They were annoyed that you wouldn't obey, annoyed you wouldn't talk,  annoyed you wouldn't scream for them. So, they used the winter soldier to try and punish you. It was dark and cold. They, um let you loose so you could run off through the farmland, the winter soldier would um,  catch up and strike, then let you go again. You wouldn't give up, just kept running so I just kept coming. When done with the sick game I, well, the soldier, dragged you back to the barn."

You remained staring ahead as you digested the information. You were aware the scars were from him, but didn't know how. It was a sick and disgusting game. You had vague memories of running through the dark, stumbling in fear, then pain but that was as far as your memory allowed. The man you loved had toyed with you in a viscous car and mouse game.

"So, did Snow say what happened once you finally brought me back? Did we, um, did you-"

"No, she doesn't know or if she does she won't say. I'm so sorry y/n I have no idea if I did anything more. I understand if it's to much and you can't stand to be around me."

"Truth be told a lot of men came and went from that place. A LOT. At this point who they were doesn't matter just what they did to me remains. I, I think I'd rather not know Bucky. If you did do more, well, it's only one more to the number of men who raped me. Not going to lie Buck, it hurts to hear that but in a catalogue of torture, what's one more story? I'm just trying to remind myself that it was not you."

"Thank you."

"Thank you for what?" you turned to him confused.

"Not loosing your shit. Not screaming at me. Not hitting me."

"Yeah I am oddly calm aren't I? Hmm must be saving it for a big hulk out then," you joked at your expense.

Bucky reached over and grabbed you hand, "come here." Cupping his hands around yours he attempted to rub reassuringly, as close as he dared to be he brought your hand up to meet his lips. A gentle but tender kiss as he looked you in the eyes as he brimmed with remorse. Pleasantly surprised when you didn't pull away. 

Minutes passed in silence as he gently caressed your hand in a reassuring manner. 

"What are you thinking about Barnes?"

Without skipping a beat he replied, "you".


	51. Clavicle part 51 (Queen of Pain)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There's a fire forming, not too far from here  
> Along the east coast maybe, it resides in you, my dear  
> Worn out on our courtesy, we've made our curtain calls  
> Like vampire bats deprived of blood, into the New York City night we crawl
> 
> And you've got a funny way of showing off your bathroom surgery  
> You said you were just cooling down from plans of leaving me  
> There's something I should tell you, for we may not have much time  
> I've never met arms like yours
> 
> The stars at night are big and bright  
> Deep in your eyes, Miss Vincent  
> You told me once I made you smile  
> But we both know damn well I didn't  
> I'm not much of a jester, but I'd test poisoned food for you  
> Your majesty, you're royal blue  
> I'm loyalty, my king of pain
> 
> There's a hard rain falling, flooding your attic, it's clear  
> Can't put out the fire that resides in you, my dear  
> There's something I should tell you, for we may not have much time  
> I've never seen scars like yours"  
> Alkaline Trio - queen of pain

Minutes passed in silence as he gently carresed your hand in a reassuring mannor.

"What are you thinking about Barnes?"

Without skipping a beat he replied "you".

"Don't be so fucking lame, what are you really thinking about?" You instantly regretted sounding so harsh when you saw how your doubt slapped him in the face. Expression of hurt flashed for just the quickest of moments then Bucky buried it down again, as if it hadn't happened. 

"I told you, you. I'm not lieing." Back to his usual monotone voice and blank expression. Bucky hid emotions well. 

"Why me?"

"Because it's always only ever been you. I'm always thinking about you since you punched your way into my life."

"Punched?"

"Yeah, you didn't stroll in, you came into my life with a bang. But you know what? I wouldn't change a thing. So, you sure you are okay y/n, 'bout what I said?"

"Yeah," with no hesitation you executed the perfect lie topped with a smile. "I am fine Bucky. I knew the worst part which is that the winter soldier caused those scars, the rest is just, well details."

You were not fine. You would never be fine. Your family were slaughtered before you eyes. You had endured such disgusting abuse. The man who had taken you in, even if you did his dirty work, had just died. He was your safety net if shit hit the fan here. The man you loved was so close yet so far, and seemed to be adding to the pain. Bucky being linked to the past you tried to bury deep? The filling of the shit sandwich which was your life. You had no family, no home, no friends, no money. In limbo, if they kicked you out of the Avengers tower where would you go? What would you be? Once more you would be nothing to no one scratching a life out on the streets. Your future looked so bleak, yet here you were lying through your teeth to the one thing that did matter to you. To the only source of light you could see flickering in the dark. The only person in the world who could comfort you. Fearful of what further pain he may rain down on you.

"I've, um, I have never seen scars like yours Y/N."

"Oh fucking fantastic Buck just what a girl wants to hear!

"Oh god, that came out worse than in my head, just I meant you have been through a lot,"  he tried to back peddle quickly. "Just, there is a fire in you y/n. And it can't be put out. Those scars show that. That fire resides in you. Don't let it burn out, especially by me. Like I'm rain just pissing on your bonfire.  I want to see you smile over and over 'cos that's what you deserve. I never made you smile, not really."

"You did make me smile.  You really did...."

The conversation came to a halt neither party knowing what to say, an awkward air descending on the car interior. Yet neither one of you could bring yourself to end the moment. Like you both enjoyed the slow  torturers burning that came with being close to each other. The King and Queen of pain sat on their thrones built on destruction.

Finally you were the one to break the moment, "drive."

"Where to?"

"Back....home." It felt awkward the moment it left your mouth, heavy and wrong with a sinking feeling. Home, where it wasn't really your home, it never was and never would be.

The car ride was held in silence. Existing the car was silence. You didn't catch the longing look Bucky cast apon you as you got out. Ideas flashed into his mind of reaching out for you before you got out, kissing you while begging for forgiveness. He remained in the car just staring a head as he knew if he left the car that was the end of your moment. He didn't know when you would  next speak to him and considered himself lucky to have gotten this close today.

Bucky lent his forehead on the steering wheel as his hands gripped it tight. His face contorted as the frustration rose in him about to show itself in rage. A growl left his mouth as he thought about how he was going to enter the building alone. You weren't by his side and it was going to be god damn Snow with her pouty lips and fluttering lashes waiting for him. She always was. If he left his room, never mind the building, she would be eagerly awaiting his return. This wasn't how it was suppose to be, it was all wrong. None of this was what Bucky wanted but he was use to not having a choice in his own life. His fate was linked with what ever you decided and he had no choice but cling on to the hope your life decisions included him. 

* * *

 

The next day you found yourself sat in a park but you couldn't say what park. It was getting dark and you could feel the air starting to bite at you but you didn't care. You were oblivious as how you got there, you had just walked and walked the city until you found yourself here. You blankly fumbled at the ring you held in two fingers, twisting it and turning it seeing the diamonds reflect in the light. The letter that came with it crumpled in your back pocket. This was your ticket out, out of what? Well, everything.To where? You didn't know. Somehow leaving felt more appealing even though you knew how well it DIDN'T work out for you last time. It was to much. Life was to much. You couldn't bring yourself to sell the ring as you slipped it on to your finger. No, you knew it was worth a pretty penny but couldn't do it.  It was the thousands that had appeared in your bank account. The thousands that Joseph had left to you according to his will. Your meeting earlier that day had proved very fortunate for you.

You had not expected it but the letter explained it all. The ring a family heir loom that Joseph had saved for the daughter he never met, instead he picked you. Even now he was gone he was looking out for you in his own way. He knew he was going to die and poured his heart out in that letter. It was full of apologies, sorrys for the work he had you do while in his employment. Sorry he kept you amongst the worst of society knowing you were worth more. His nearing death bed provided him with epiphanies on the matter that was 'you'.

Originally Joseph had intended to leave you the club itself so you would always have somewhere to live/income, but had changed his mind. In the letter he spoke about wanting to set you free from the gang as it was a curse. The 'business' had cost him everything, he didn't want the same to you. "Be free my little ghost" Joseph had signed it. You sighed, you were a ghost, by the very definition of the world you were not free you were hauntingly stuck. Caught between living or slipping away. 

Standing up you left the park eyeing up the area, your feet stomped the pavement until a neon sign gave you what you wanted. What you needed. Right now you NEEDED to feel that numbing warmth of booze  like a vampire deprived of blood. Part of you hoped it would not cause another bloody vomiting spell. You had grown accustomed to the nausea, to the blood, as your body began to stop feeling hunger despite meager portions of junk food. As you kept yourself to yourself it wasn't hard to hide the increased vomiting incidents. Last thing you needed was to spew blood on a strangers shoe but that need proved stronger than your concern. 

Over the next two hours you started on the small fortune left to you.  Sipping on each drink letting the warming liquid slide down your throat you sat in the corner looking out at the bar around you from your booth. The music became duller to your ears and the labels of the bottles hazier to read over time from their distance behind the bar. No body spoke to you as you glared daggers into the face of anyone who glanced your way. You looked dark and intimidating, an act you had not practiced in a while yet were able to step back into with ease.  It had become second nature when working for Joseph to keep people at arms length.  Your phone vibrated like mad in your pocket repeatedly which you ignored. At that moment you did not care how important it was, it wasn't like the Avengers NEEDED you, they could take care of anything without your aid. You were a burden using up all this courtesy that had been extended to you. You watched as a trickle of liquid ran down the glass, slowly snaking it's way across the smooth glass until your finger blocked the path. So engrossed in the journey of the liquid you jumped as a figure slid into the booth next to you.

You watched as the figure slid a glass of mystery dark liquid with ice your way on the table. Your eyes moved from the hand to the face that had a red light cast from neon bar signs above.  

"Come to wallow here often y/n?"

"I'm not wallowing, I'm avoiding. There's a difference Tony." 

"Avoiding what?"

"Everything. Life," you sighed taking a long drawn out sip. "How did you know I was here?"

"Traced your phone. Which you have been ignoring apparently."

"So you decided to come bother me in person after I obviously didn't want to talk?"

"Maybe I wanted to wallow, or avoid, or something else."

"No TONY!" Your voice raised slightly. "You came to check up on me didn't you? Am I a fucking child now? What, did I break curfew? Sorry DAD. Out getting drunk. Maybe I'll find some weed next, have a gang bang in the toilets with the dealers. Because obviously I'm not a grown fucking women able to make decisions."

Tony sat in silence and idley rubbed at his facial hair as he struggled to respond to your outburst. 

"You know what Y/N? You are right. But you are what I consider a friend of some sort. So forgive me for concern. Steve told me who it was you buried yesterday, and what he meant to you. You go AWAL I just wanted to make sure you were fine."

You looked down at your hands rolling the glass between your fingers knowing your outburst was unjust but to tipsy to consider admitting it. Drunk you could be stubborn you. Reaching in to your pocket for the letter and removing the ring from your finger you placed it in front of Tony. Tony read in silence then examined the ring.

"Well aren't you a lucky girl? This ring is the real deal you know, might not want to flash it in a place like this." Stark eyed up the room making a point as his head turned. "Not that you can't handle yourself, I'd actually like to see them try."

Tony reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a piece of paper slamming it down in front of you. "I can top that."

"What's this?"

"Just read y/n. I had a speech. I was going to take you to a fancy hotel for a fancy meal, which you would know if you picked up your phone, I bought you a nice dress just for the occasion. It was all planned, the waitress would bring this to you on a tray with champagne. You went and fucked it up but somehow, this dive bar is more fitting since you are in full on bitch mode today."

You picked up the piece of paper suspiciously not sure what on earth it could be, not like he was fucking proposing to you. Oh shit, you hoped THE Tony Stark wasn't about to, you weren't looking for a sugar daddy. No apparently much older physically and mentally messed up ex assassins were more your type. Your eyes scanned the paper, legal terms became hazy to your inebriated eyes but the important words stood out. Your eyes were wide with surprise by time you had finished.

"TONY. SERIOUSLY?! WHAT THE FUCK?"

"You don't have to say yes. The offer is there though, but zero pressure Y/N. Just need you to sign at the bottom when ready."

"I, I, I don't know what to say. I'm just shocked and surprised. How much did this cost? And why for me?"

"Look Y/N. I can see you are needing help here. Something is not right with you and the longer you are living this life the worse you are getting. This is a life for you, a real chance of making your own path not just stagnating with old men in a tower.  I'm moving our base, new headquarters so you would be moving out of the tower anyway. You just need to decide, are you coming to the new base, or are you going to move to this instead?" Tony tapped at the paper he had passed you. "Your choice."

"I don't know what the fuck to say Tony. I am genuinely surprised at this."

"You would get living accommodation that's part of the deal, it's quiet generous size wise as well. Funding from Stark foundations. A job that you could do as much or as little as you feel comfortable. A chance to help and do good. You would live a nice comfortable life. A fresh start. A future. Shit, you don't even have to speak to any of us ever again if you don't want to. A clean break. I won't bother you evrr again."

"But, my OWN charity? I didn't know you can just go out and BUY a charity?"

Tony half laughed half snorted, "When your name ends in Stark you can. If it's wrong, I can go buy another. A different type, animals or starving orphans or something"

"No, thank you Tony I need to think. I can't believe someone would do this for, well, me. I'm nothing. I don't deserve any of this. From you, from Joseph."

"You had your life taken away from you Y/N. You deserve god damn everything that can help get that back and much more. And a charity to help end sexual slavery and support victims helps you give others that chance of a life back as well. Just think about it I'll go get another round of drinks."

You stared at the legal document while Tony went up to the bar. You would be sole owner of this massive charity. You. You the girl that went from being locked up in the barn could go and help tear down the walls of these barns. Between this and the money  from Joseph you really could start a fresh. Your heart hammered in your chest at the mere consideration of this new start. Could you really do this? Could you truly be SOMEONE? No longer a tool used by the men around you. This quite possibly could be the best thing to happen to you so why weren't you happy? You knew why, because leaving meant leaving it all behind. Leaving Bucky. If you took up the offer this would be the final act of being 'done'. Be the final nail in the coffin and you just were not sure if you could do it. Torturing yourself remaining in this limbo would some how be the hardest and the easiest route.  Tony appeared back at the table with another drink for you.

"Thanks. But you don't have to join me in this 'dive bar' as you called it." you took the cool glass from his hand.

"Well it's fine my lab will still be up waiting for me, won't go to bed angry if I'm late. Won't get mad if they wake to find bed still empty. No she will still be there ready and waiting," he sighed.

"And continuing your on going fling with work won't get Pepper back. Tony do you know how to NOT work?"

"I tried it. Didn't last long. I ended up cheating with a new suite, temptation to strong. Pepper walked in on the act."

"Why was she so mad, she knows you well enough by now?"

"It was our anniversery. I'd promised she could have me one whole night. Pepper told me I couldn't do it. I kept saying no I will stay in that bed the entire night. She was angry I had done it and angry I had been so sure i wouldn't. I just couldn't sleep, had an idea. Geniuses don't sleep. Also can't hold down relationships."

"Oh Tony you ballsed up. You know though to get her back you have to first change though? Work on beating your work addiction show her you have changed."

"What if I don't want to?" 

"Then its bye bye Pepper Potts and hello your new best friend," you waved your hand smirking at your implication. 

 "Funny that. I think the entire team are rather intimate with their own hands not like anyones getting any. Hormones through the roof."

"Think Cap beats it to the underwear catalogue? Ohhh look a bit of ankle showing."

"Y/N. Don't be so rude. You know it's probably to photos of Bucky."

You spat your drink out laughing. "What about Scott then? Ohhh look at that queen ant. Nasty girl yeah you rule this ant nest."

"Well the fact you find that funny shows you are drunk. C'mon finish that drink and I'm getting you home Y/N. So all the sex starved men can drool over you. With their right hands."

Knocking your drink back you slammed the empty down on the table. You made sure to grab both documents and the ring clumsily shoving them in your back pocket as you followed Stark out. You made it out of the bar, your head spinning from standing up and walking suddenly realizing you were in fact very drunk. 

"Wait!" you called out to Tony. He turned round in time to see you vomit in the gutter. Bright red that looked almost black in the dull street lighting. Something was wrong and Tony was trying his hardest to get you out of this to ensure you got better. He just had no clue it it would work. You were stubborn so Tony had to be even more strong willed. If he had asked about the charity you would of said no so he was trying to force your hand. Even though you refused to believe it, there were in fact a few people out there concerned about you. Tony just hoped you weren't going to vomit on this one concerned individual or in his car.


	52. Clavicle part 52 (serial killer)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Wish I may, wish I might  
> Find my one true love tonight.  
> Do you think that he could be you?  
> If I pray really tight,  
> Get into a fake bar fight,  
> While I'm walking down the avenue.  
> If I lay really quiet,  
> I know that what I do isn't right,  
> I can't stop what I love to do.  
> So I murder love in the night,  
> Watching them fall one by one they fight,  
> Do you think you'll love me too, ooh, ooh?  
> Baby, I'm a sociopath,  
> Sweet serial killer.  
> On the warpath,  
> 'Cause I love you just a little too much.  
> I love you just a little too much (much, much, much).  
> You can see me drinking cherry cola,  
> Sweet serial killer.  
> I left a love note,  
> Said you know I love the thrill of the rush.  
> You know I love the thrill of the rush (rush, rush, rush).  
> (You send me right to heaven),  
> Sweet serial killer,  
> (I guess I'll see him over).  
> Do it for the thrill of the rush,  
> Love you just a little too much, much.  
> My black fire's burning bright,  
> Maybe I'll go out tonight.  
> We can paint the town in blue.  
> I'm so hot, I ignite,  
> Lana Del Rey - Serial killer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This song is SO fitting for Snow

Snow watched silently from the communal living room. She was always watching. Always waiting. If there was some ammo she could use for her end goal she was not going to hesitate. Unfortunately for her, Bucky kept to himself, had no vices, and you his main weakness. Her sweet whispers in his ear proving fruitless. Today she was getting lucky and you were helping load a gun she could fire when your drunk laughter started ringing through the kitchen. Snow watched as Tony guided you forward, hands on your shoulders. You stopped suddenly causing Tony to walk into the back of you, nearly tripping the both of you over, eliciting more laughter from you. Snow watched as Tony sat you on a bar stool which you nearly toppled over sideways. She watched how Tony carefully brought a glass of water to your lips ordering you to drink up. Obviously her retelling would be somewhat embellished; how you and Tony kept touching, how he fawned over you, how you giggled at every word he said. Trying not to catch attention, she headed to the area where her and Bucky’s rooms were. She knocked on his door and awaited his response.

 

"What is it?" Bucky seemed annoyed to see who was knocking at his door. His blood shot eyes ringed with dark shadows. The face of a man who hadn't seen much sleep.

 

"Oh Bucky! It's y/n! She is a drunken mess! I fear Mr Stark is going to take advantage! He has a reputation as a ladies man doesn't he....?" She batted her eyes at him. His grey jogging bottoms sat low on his hips and his black t-shirt tight against his muscular chest and arms. Snow longed to reach out and run her hands down his chest, feeling all the ridges as the muscles bulged and dipped. She was resisting being so forward and direct. It hadn't worked before and wouldn't now.

 

"So Tony is there with her, looking after her though?"

 

"Oh yes! He has his hands ALL over her I don't think she knows what she is doing! She's laughing and flirting and he is awfully touchy feely!"

 

"Fuck sake," he grumbled under his breath. Not because you were drunk but because he KNEW Snow had an angle. She was not half as clever or as subtle as she thought. He headed to the kitchen letting his door slam shut. Snow followed behind hoping to see the fall out.

 

Bucky’s eyes narrowed as he watched Tony's hands holding onto your waist keeping you up right on the stool from behind. Your back pressed up against his groin. Tony lent forward to talk to you and was met with your head falling back with laughter. Your clumsy hand spilled the glass of water down your front causing the material your top to become see through. The wet patch spread downwards revealing the outline of your bra. More laughs from you as Tony rushed to get paper towel and started to dab at your wet chest. Snow had to stifle back a smirk at how perfect the scene was unfolding. You were really doing all the work for her this evening.  

"Y/N," Bucky spoke, in his usual monotone, voice stepping into view. Tony stiffened up, realizing how bad it looked and the fact it was a super soldier’s ex 'something' whose chest he was all over.

 

"Barnes," you sarcastically imitated his voice then burst out laughing. "Why so serious?"

 

Tony pulled away from you and refilled your glass with fresh water as Bucky continued to stepped forward, his bare feet not making a sound on the tiled floor. "You're drunk."

 

"And you're a dick!" You shouted in response. "Move over Captain America. It's Captain Obvious!"

 

"Stop it y/n."

 

"Stop what?"

 

Tony stood awkwardly to the side. He did not want to be involved with this, whatever this was, but at the same time did not want to leave you drunk. He wanted to make sure you got to your room safely and if he left he didn't know what the fall out of you and Captain Obvious tearing verbal lumps out of each other would be. He cleared his throat to remind the both of you of his presence.

 

"Tony, you can leave if you want, I got her." Bucky didn't even look at the man he addressed as his eyes stared straight into yours. Locked on target.

 

"With all due respect, things seem a bit heated between the two of you. She is drunk. Maybe I should just take her back to her room now." Tony puffed his chest up slightly responding to the larger Bucky.

 

"With all due respect I think I can handle her, unless handling her is exactly what you’re trying to do."

 

Tony's face and body language became defensive at the implication. "Barnes, if I was you I'd watch what and who you are accusing here."

 

Bucky mirrored the shift and walked even closer to Tony chest out and chin jutting out, "I don't see you denying it."

 

"Oh fuck off the both of you!" you shouted unexpectedly. "Tony stop being my god damn dad. And Buck, Tony has been fine, nothing, no funny business. But does it matter? I can take home whoever I god damn please and it is NONE of your business. You got your own Snow Whore there. Aren't I allowed to indulge in fun?"

 

"I told you y/n. Nothing is going on between me and Snow, and stop calling her a whore."

 

As if on cue Snow stepped forward taking a place beside Bucky. "Oh Bucky dear, you don't need to defend me. She is very very drunk. She does not know what it is she says. Leave her and let's go back." She linked her arm through Buckys and put her body weight into leaning against him. Bucky looked at her with a frown.

 

"Yeah run along Bucky, be a good Bucky, give the whore what she wants. I'm sure you will make sure SHE gets back to her room alright. Tuck her in real good, I bet." You stood up shouting.

 

"Y/N. Please, we are all friends here. Do not be like this." Snow's silky voice manipulating with every word.

 

"FRIENDS?! You think you and me will ever be friends? Sorry dear." You picked up the glass of water in front of you and with a face contorted into rage you threw it at Snow.

You knew Snow would be agile enough and fast enough to dodge. Snow knew she could of moved easily. Instead she stayed in place and let the glass connect with her head. You were drunk but you were still strong enough to throw it with force. It smashed into pieces some of which remained sticking out of her face and scalp. Snow screamed in fake shock. Every single person in the room smelt the fakery, yet it still looked grotesque and shocking. The blood dripped down her face. Scalp wounds mostly that bled easily but the shards sticking out of her cheek and temple were the finishing touch.

 

"Do you see Bucky? Do you see she is an animal! An animal that should of stayed at the barn! Locked up where she could do no harm. I remember a girl defenseless not the monster that's here." Snows voice high pitched and grating on your ear drums.

 

"Shut the fuck up!" you screamed in response.

 

"Make me." Snow smirked inciting you.

 

You ran around the edge of the work counter and charged at Snow. You grabbed her by the throat as you slammed into her. Snow pulled your hands from her neck and easily pushed you backwards into the work counter. Snow moved to pin you down to the countertop as you awkwardly were forced to bend over backwards. She raised her metal fist ready to land a blow. Before she could throw the punch Bucky pulled Snow off of you.

Tony rushed to your side as Bucky held Snow back. Snow squirmed and shouted at Bucky but he refused to let her loose on you.

 

"Barnes keep a lid on her. This one’s been through the blender enough. You know how this is going to play if she stays. Either y/n goes or you and Snow goes. That is what it is going to boil down to. Just how many messes until someone’s hand is forced and the choice is no longer yours. You know about the raft..."

 

Bucky didn't reply. He knew Tony was right as he pulled Snow away.

"Soldat," she started to sob. "Please, take me to medical. I have glass in my wounds."

Bucky didn't want to take Snow to medical. Bucky didn't want to be escorting or holding back Snow. He didn't want to keep a lid on her. He wanted you, Bucky wanted to be holding you. Stroking your hair as you cried, murmuring reassurances in your ear. Yet somehow Tony Stark was the one doing that. Once again you were aching in someone’s arms that were not his. The longer Snow stayed, the further away you became. Roughly, Bucky guided her to the lift. Once the door opened he pushed her inside, causing her to stumble. She looked at Bucky with genuine hurt in her eyes at his rough treatment.

 

"YOU," he spoke deeply, but calmly, as Bucky backed her into the corner looming over her as she coward. "Stop playing your fucking games. You have done damage just by being here. Isn't that enough?"

 

"Soldat, please don't be angry. I just thought you would want to know. I'm sorry. You saw her and him, the way they laughed. I was not making it up. Forgive me my soldat."

 

"Don't you ever even mention the word 'barn' in front of y/n again, got that?"

 

She nodded meekly from the corner as Bucky retreated to the other side of the lift away from her. Snow turned her head using her hair to hide the smile, it hadn't gone as planned but the glass now embedded in her she would use against you. The whole team would feel sympathy for Snow while you were nothing but a drunken mess, a danger to those around.

 

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Tony tried to sweep up the broken glass with a dustpan and brush as you sat on a bar stool staring straight ahead. You hardly blinked as you just kept staring shocked and wide eyed at the last five minutes, which had occurred so quickly. The adrenaline pumping through you, fight or flight, and boy had you been ready to fight. A tear slide down your face. You didn't turn your head when Natasha and Steve walked through the door. Both looked like they had been getting ready for bed when the noise grabbed their attention.

 

"What happened?" Nat eyed you up and down as you kept on staring ahead. Tony just shook his head too tired to explain.

 

"FRIDAY, bring up security footage from communal kitchen area, camera A," Tony projected it from his phone that had been tucked in his jacket pocket.

 

"Jesus," was all Steve muttered after watching in silence the events that had unfolded.

 

"Listen, Y/N," Natasha slowly walked up to your side and placed a hand lightly, and hesitantly, on your shoulder. "She provoked you okay? None of this was your fault."

 

You laughed as the red head tried to offer you words of comfort, "Of course it's my fault. Everything is always my fault. Just my presence here is a fault."

 

"That's not true," Steve piped up. Your eyes snapped to him as another tear slid down and the look of defeat written across your face hit him hard. Steve could not pull you back from the darkness this time. He was not enough. He was not Bucky. You looked ready to give up on life itself.

 

As if on cue you rushed to the sink as that oh so familiar sensation hit you again. Not so red, as watered down with the water Stark had given you, but that ruby red nonetheless splashed the stainless steel. Two more retches and everything was up, you were done. Nat just looked at Tony and Steve with confusion as if to say "again?". Nobody had been aware how long you had been vomiting for, that you still were. Nat had never heard back on your results figuring it was nothing.

 

"Y/N," Steve handed you paper towel to wipe your mouth. "Let's take a trip to medical."

 

"NO!" You had hardly let him finish the word. "Not when Snow Whore will be there. You saw what happened..."

 

"Okay, okay, okay, let's just go to your room? Or to mine? Or to Nat's? Are you okay to be on your own?" Steve asked.

 

"I don't care. Put me anywhere. What does it fucking matter." Your shoulders slumped as you spoke.

 

"Well let's just try the couch then Y/N. I'll grab a sick bowl. Steve, go get a blanket. We’ll all sit with you for awhile."

 

As instructed you went and laid on one of the large, grey, communal sofas using a cushion for a pillow. Nat smiled as she placed a glass bowl by the couch then sat on another couch at the side. Steve gentle placed the blanket over you, took off your shoes and joined Natasha. Finally Tony finished clearing up the glass and sat on a separate couch that faced Steve and Nat. The large television forming the last side of the square. Nobody knew what to say at first yet everyone felt reluctance to leave. As if it would be deserting their post.

 

"You know," Tony broke the silence. "At the bar, Y/N had a great theory Cap."

 

"Oh no, Tony! Don't!"  You cringed.

 

"Yeah, about what gets you going. We couldn't decide if it was underwear catalogs or Bucky?"

 

"Excuse me?!" Steve sounded shocked while Nat sniggered.

 

"Why underwear catalogs?" Nat queried.

 

"Because he probably can't work out how to use porn on a computer, and it would of been rather saucy for ya know, back then," you explained.

 

"THAT, that is what you discuss when drinking together? Shame on you y/n and shame on you Tony. If you must know...I'm fond of the stockings and suspenders."

 

"Hahaha, knew it!" You burst out laughing.

 

"Well what about you then y/n?" Tony flipped the attention to you.

 

"Pass rather not answer. Truth be told I don't have a bloody clue what my 'thing' is." It was true, you had no experience of consensual sex. "What about you Tony?"

 

"High heels," Tony didn’t even hesitate to answer. "The way long legs look with a pair of high heels, NOTHING, but a pair of high heels. Hey, let's not forget someone, Nat?"

 

"Okay, don't laugh. Intellect. I like intelligence in a man." Nat admitted.

 

"So that's bozo the clown over there out of the picture then," Tony playfully threw a cushion at Steve who caught it.

 

"Hey!" Steve faked insult.

 

The light hearted joking and conversation continued, as you listened you felt your eyes grow heavy and slowly you faded into sleep. Oddly you were glad of the company as it worked to take your mind off the previous events. As you drifted off Bucky still crossed your mind, he was never far from your thoughts.

 

The next morning you woke as the morning light started to seep into the room. You blinked a few times confused as to where you were. Looking around you remembered the events of the previous night as the three team members continued to sleep slumped in various positions on the couches. You were touched that all three of them had stayed the night by your side, but also felt embarrassed and unworthy. Footsteps made you lift your head up from the cushion. Bucky stood dark eyed and bleak from the doorway in the same clothes as the night before. You put a finger to your lips mimicking a 'shhh' as the others slept. Silently you pulled back the blanket and walked into the communal kitchen with Bucky following behind. Without turning to look at him you grabbed some water and painkillers tilting your head back as you swallowed the pills.

 

"Y/n...." Buck's voice trailed off filled with doubt and uncertainty as to what to say.

You turned to him and looked him in the eyes. Both your gazes mirrored each other, the pain reflected back. The usual biting remarks or accusations failed to came to you. You couldn't go on like it anymore. You were tired of that, tired of being in limbo and you were very much aware of what was still in your back pocket. What were you going to do with that and were you going to factor Bucky into your plans?

 

"Bucky, I am so, completely done. With fighting, with arguing, with all of it. It's like all the fight is gone in me, yet it's all I know how to do."

 

Bucky stepped forward and took you into his arms. You melted into the familiar shape as if you slotted in so perfectly. As if his arms were made for you. It was useless even trying to resist when you knew those arms were all you longed for deep down. Your fatigue of the situation and hangover pulling down your walls. That was all Bucky had done since you had gotten close, bring down your walls brick by brick with pain as well as the pleasure. Like the fortress could not withstand the bombardment anymore. Like you were ready to surrender to the enemy. But was Bucky really your enemy or just life itself at the moment? You were going to surrender momentarily anyway.

 

"Buck," you whispered in his ear. "I'm ready to talk. Really talk. If you are. No shouting no remarks just lay our cards on the table."

 

His grip on you tightened. "I'm ready for that y/n. It's all I've wanted to do."

 


	53. Clavicle part 53 (under your skin feels like home)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're cinematic razor sharp  
> A welcome arrow through the heart  
> Under your skin feels like home  
> Electric shocks on aching bones 
> 
> Give me a chance to hold on  
> Give me a chance to hold on  
> Give me a chance to hold on  
> Just give me something to hold onto 
> 
> It's so clear now that you are all that I have  
> I have no fear cos you are all that I have  
> It's so clear now that you are all that I have  
> I have no fear cos you are all that I have 
> 
> There is a darkness deep in you  
> A frightening magic I cling to"  
> Snow Patrol - You're all I have

Without a word you headed to your room and Bucky followed you in silent nervous anticipation, you wanted to go somewhere where there would not be ears. Especially Snow's. Entering your room you shut the door behind Bucky then motioned with your hand for him to sit down. You sat next to him on the bed, close but not to close. You feared if he touched you right now it would set you on fire. You burned for his touch, the sparks flying between the both of you went down to the bone. The heat coursing through you. The two of you could have set the world ablaze. Your fingers moved ever so slowly across the sheet, until your hand rested so incredibly lightly against his thigh. A blink and you would miss it, sensation of the fabric against your knuckles, you didn't think he was even aware. Your breathing hitched and heart pounded as he shifted his weight causing his leg to apply pressure to your hand. This man was going to be the death of you. You stared ahead, too afraid to make eye contact as you began to speak. If you looked into his eyes now, you knew you the burning inside would either equate to a shouting match or you lustfully jumping on him.  
  
"Right, just be honest. NO sly comments or digs. Both of us say what we are thinking. Snow. Talk."  
  
"Leave Snow be, please," Bucky almost pleaded as he rubbed his hands across his face.  
  
"Why?"  Your tone accusing as you rolled your eyes.  
  
"Just, don't push her."  
  
"Are you trying to protect her?"  
  
"No! I'm trying to protect you! I don't know what is going through her twisted mind. I don't know how far she will go. We have to play it safe with her. Give her a false sense of security for now and play the long game. I think she sees you as a rival."  
  
"So what has happened between you and her?" you nervously awaited his answer. Your body rigid in anticipation for the worst possible answer.  
  
"She kissed me, once, she's tried it a few times, but every time I turn her down it's like she dials it up. I need to speak to the others about what to do with her. It feels wrong to just discard her and condemn her to the raft, but this isn't working out. We aren't any closer to working out who she is."  
  
"You know if it came to it, me or her, I would end that bitch. I would not hesitate to kill her if the need comes. I just don't think I'd be strong enough. So you better pray to god if she turns on us, there better be back up. I can't take her out on my own if she came looking for me."  
  
Bucky nodded grimly realising the seriousness of the situation. It was more than just the odd scuffle. If Snow wanted to she could easily kill a lot of people in this building. That struck a new fear into his heart. He felt guilty that any risk you could be in was his fault. If Snow did succeed in hurting you, or god forbid, killing you, he would not be able to live with himself. Snow had 'mistake' written across her forehead and Bucky had been the last one to read it, vision blurred by the IDEA of Snow rather than the reality.   
  
You felt sick as a jealous pang hit you picturing her lips touching Bucky, you could see it so clearly in your minds eye her ruby red lips pressed on him. You noted the wording, SHE kissed HIM and felt bad that you were not as innocent, which Bucky was about to remind you.  
  
"You and Steve. Talk."  
  
You let out a sigh and paused before speaking, reluctant to admit it.  
  
"We kissed. That was all." Out of the corner of your eye you saw Bucky clench his fists. "It was just the once! I pushed him away. I put an end to it and I think our friendship as well. We shared a bed, but literally just slept. Separate sheets. No touching."  
  
"So you, um, don't want to be with Steve?"  
  
"No Bucky, I don't want to be with him” You tried to tell yourself you weren't lying. You didn't want Steve, but only because of Bucky. Lie by omission, you felt feelings for Steve but loved Bucky.  
  
"What else did you want to talk about y/n?"  
  
"This," you raised your hand then turned to look at him with a serious look on your face. "You ever, and I mean ever, lay a hand on me like that again, that is it. I will rip your fucking throat out. You don't break the bones of the women you claim to love."  
  
Bucky instantaneously got onto his hands and knees between your legs as you remained seated. Your eyes opened in surprise as he buried his head into your lap and wrapped his arms around you, holding you desperately. Instinctively you cradled his head in your lap. In that moment he seemed so small and weak, the roles between you reversed. This was a side to Bucky nobody ever saw, even you. He was the strong one who held you and now here he was seeking your comfort. Bucky clung onto you with such desperation.  
  
"I am so fucking sorry y/n," he was muffled as he spoke into your lap. "I really am. I hate myself for doing that. It reminded me of what I am, what I was. And I hurt the one person that matters the most to me. I swear that will never happen again. I promise."  
  
You stroked his hair as he continued to utter his apologies and promises, the words starting to become less coherent as you realized he had began to cry. It had always been about you. Bucky kept everything pent up to be strong enough for you. "It's okay Bucky, let it out."  
  
"It's not okay. Every time I think of you I think of what I have done, what I did to you, what else don't I remember? What if had hurt you, I mean really hurt you? There would have been no coming back from that."  
  
You lifted Bucky's face and head so he was looking up at you, "I'm going to have to trust you then. You won't. I believe in you Bucky. I don't fear you, I love you." You wiped a tear from his face with your thumb then bent down to tenderly kiss his forehead.  
  
"But y/n there is so much darkness in me. That's not who I am, that's who they made me. What if one day I don't contain it?"  
  
"My darkness understands yours Bucky, in a way not many people could. Even here among the Avengers who have more buried issues than I can count, not many people can relate to being used so violently. Or maybe I'll start sleeping with a stun gun under my pillow." Bucky smiled at your joke then buried himself back into the comfort of you. He bathed in the familiar warmth and scent, a feeling he had not admitted to even himself he had longed for so deeply. It was like, in this moment, he felt the most whole he possibly could with a mind that had previously been so fractured.   
  
"So what else is there to talk about?" You broke the silence.  
  
Bucky exhaled knowing the topic was not one routinely spoke of between the two of you, the future, "Where do we go from here then y/n?"  
  
Your back pocket came to the forefront of your mind, looming over you like a cloud trying to rain down on you. You couldn't bring it up, not now. You didn't have the hangover strength for a conversation when you hadn’t made up your mind, so you decided to not mention it for today. Not until there was something concrete to say about the matter of the charity.  
  
"Buck, let's go back to the beginning. We could win an award for most dysfunctional relationship. So let's start fresh. No running away. No cold shoulders. No petty squabbles. Let's try something radical, it's called actually talking."  
  
Bucky brought your hand from it's resting spot on his head to his mouth and gentle kissed your palm before looking up into your eyes. "That sounds good. Ya know, Tony has some charity ball event, thing, in two weeks time. It can be like going back to the start where I first saw you, I mean truly saw you. This time though I'm not going to be able to take my eyes off of you for even a second. You can still get drunk, if you want. I'll make sure I bring you back inside BEFORE your lips start turning blue. "  
  
"God Bucky that seems so long ago now. Don't you find it so weird how everything changed in that one evening? We went from not even speaking, and hardly even acknowledging the other existed, to shower sex and broken bones. I just find it pretty mind blowing how one moment changed EVERYTHING."  
  
"You don't wish that one moment hadn't happened do you?"  
  
"Oh god no! It has crossed my mind but then, when I'm with you, like now, I remember just how right it feels for me when it should feel so wrong. When something happens I feel like I would be better off without you or this place and vice-versa, then when I'm with you it melts away."  
  
"So are we going to label this thing now?"  
  
"What about at the end of the charity party? We’ll see. See what's going on with Snow. See how it’s panned out and if we’re ready."  
  
Bucky stood up from his kneeling position to now loom over you with his large frame. You eyed the way his muscles bulged under his t-shirt and unintentionally bit your lip appreciating the view, which did not escape Bucky's notice. Bucky scooped your head into his hand, metal fingers tangled in hair then bent down and kissed you, slow but deep. Such passion behind a gentle kiss, Your tongue betrayed you wanting more as it slipped inside finding his, causing you both to open your mouths, deepening the kiss. The tension building as the speed did also. Bucky gently pulled you up to standing position, using his free flesh hand to draw you in to him at the waist. You felt the heat radiate off of him going straight to your core as tongues tangled together. You tilted your pelvis into Bucky letting out a moan.   
  
"Fuck!" Bucky pulled away from the kiss with a smile on his face, seeing how breathless it had left you. "I can't wait to redo this on that balcony but officially being able to say 'that's my girl'."  
  
"You think you can tame me then big boy?" You cocked your eyebrow playfully.  
  
"I'm going to do a lot more than just tame you." He launched in, kissing your neck as his hands roamed over your body. You weren't sure if he was teasing you or himself, but it was working.  
  
"Oh fuck," you accidentally moaned, which spurred Bucky on to push you backwards onto the bed. While hovering over you, he resumed his frantic kissing all over your neck and clavicles as your hands dug into his hair. Your skin so smooth and inviting as he alternated gently kissing with tiny little nips listening to your breathing deepen.   
  
"Hmm I like the way you say that. That night on that balcony, I'll have you saying profanities over and over. I don't care if people can hear. Your voice is heaven in my ears when you let yourself relax like this. Angel, you are all I have, my everything. I'm going to try not to fuck this up."  
  
Somehow during the make out session you had both rid yourself of clothes. You laid your head on his chest, with arms and legs tangled as you listened to the steady beat of his heart. Your finger traced patterns over his bare chest as neither of you spoke. You both just laid there bathing in the naked and intimate warmth of the embrace. A sense of peace washed over the both of you, that only lovers in each others arms could experience. Bucky let out a satisfied sigh and kissed the top of your head. If only he could keep you in this moment for eternity. He didn't want to let go of you and didn't want to wait until the next opportunity to do this. He did fear Snow though and felt torn. His head said put things on the back burner for now, just until the balcony, his heart wanted to keep a firm grasp on you and never let go. It was clear to him now that you were all that he had. He silently swore to never push you away again. Bucky needed this chance to hold on to you and never wanted to let you go. Like this time would be it. It would be the foundations of a real relationship this time. Bucky didn't fear the future if you were apart of it, as you had become a part of him. Hearts entwined that kept being drawn together despite outside forces.  
  
There was one problem with his plan that neither of you could foresee as the fates conspired once more. How could you’ve known what was about to happen?  Except the signs had been there, if only you had been paying more attention. Right on cue both yours and Bucky's phones violently broke the mood with loud rings and vibrations. You would not be there on the balcony at the party to meet him.


	54. Clavicle part 54 (all the things my eyes have seen)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Through all the things my eyes have seen  
> The best by far is you"  
> Andrew MacMahon-Cecilia and the Satellite

 You let out a frustrated groan reluctantly prying yourself out of the warm embrace to the rude intteruption of the mobile phone.

"Yours to?" Bucky sat up to retrive his own. 

You rubbed your hazy eyes as your blurred vision tried to decipher the letters that seemed to jump about each time you blinked. Bucky grabbed it and tossed the phone onto the bed after reading his own messages. He playfully grabbed you and pulled you down onto the bed ontop of him. Bucky pulled your head in close planting kisses all over your face and neck. You laughed as you half heartedly attempted to get up only for him to hold you back and lay down more kisses.

"It....can....wait...one...more....minute," Buckys voice laced with need as he whispered between kisses. 

"I didn't get a chance to even read it Buck!"

"One...more...minute. Then face reality."

You surrendered yourself to the attack of kisses laughing as they teased and tickled. You looked at Bucky, eyes heavy with lust matching his own. Seeing you enjoy it made him wish you had more time. But reality called. Bucky was being selfish trying to keep you here all to himself. Just trying to grab any rare time he could with you. Time you weren't screaming at him that is. 

You pushed yourself up, sitting up right a leg either side straddling him as Bucky remained laying back on your bed. You chewed your bottom lip as Bucky stared into your eyes as his hands moved to caress your hips. Neither one of you wanted to break this moment. Goosebumps formed on your bare skin as a shudder went through you. You suddenly became very aware of how very naked you were sat apon a very nude Bucky. Your hands instinctively crossed your chest to cover your breasts. Bucky felt your weight shift so your legs carried more of your weight, meaning less pressure and touch on his body.

"Hey, no need for this," Bucky's hands went to yours and pried them away from your breasts. He felt some resistance as you reluctantly bared yourself to him once more. You looked away finding eye contact hard while feeling so exposed, so on show. Bucky wasn't aggressive as he held your hands down at your side, more encouraging than dominating with a loose grip. This should of made you run a mile but you recognized it as Bucky seeking emotional intimacy from you.

"Look at me angel". Your eyes slowly went back to his. This was hard on you, completly exposed and with the intesity of eye contact making you feel so naked in every way possible. Stripped of a sarcastic mouth and layers of clothing what was left? No way left of hiding now.

He knew for you to bare your body was on parr with laying your soul out to him. Leaving yourself vulnerable and out in the open. That took a lot for you and he didn't want you to take that step back. Not now, not after coming so far.

Bucky let go of your hands and hesitated to move his own to your back. Gently he pulled you down to once more lie on top of him. Your head found itself in the crook of his neck.You inhaled deeply savoring his warm scent. Very slowly and purposefully Bucky traced his hands over your scars. It flashed into his mind that if only he had the power to heal them with his touch as easily  as he had wielded the power to inflict them. If he could he would take it all from you and have it himself instead, ten fold if it meant changing what had happened.

You initially stiffened. They had been spoken about and he had seen them, but this was the first time Bucky had mapped the damage he had caused. It felt surreal to think they were the same hands. You just remembered that this was Bucky, he loved you, he was not the same man, and you began to relax into him.

"Bucky, you don't have to touch them. I'm covered in scars, they are no different. I'm sorry I'm a mess."

"I did this y/n. I won't forget that. It feels like they are a punishment meant for me. To see them when I look at the women I love serves as a constant reminder of what I have done. But don't for a second think I see you as a mess."

"But I am Buck."

"Not to me. Never to me. You know, my eyes have seen a lot. Places, faces. Out of everything you are the best by far. The single most exquisite thing I have seen. Look at you doll. You are stunning my angel. Don't doubt it for a second. Every day I am with you I hope to remind you that you are so, so loved."

"Even the scars?"

"Especially the scars. They tell your story. You won't get a medal for what you went through, so wear your battle scars with pride. They tell everyone what you have been through and that you survived. They tell everyone how strong you are."

"I..I don't feel strong. I feel like I am constantly ready to unravel or a switch about to be flipped inside of me."

Bucky remained silent as he tenderly flipped you over on to your back, switching positions so you now looked up at him. Gently he lifted your right arm. His fingers traced across the rope mark permanently etched into the flesh of your wrist. Bucky lowered his head to kiss it. His mouth moved up to a scar on your forearm. His fingers traced over one raised on your shoulder then his lips connected with it. One by one, his lips brushed with every single scar on your entire body.  A kind of worship of you. Bucky was showing you he was not afraid, he was not disgusted. He loved you _with_  your scars not in spite of them. Bucky loved you mind, body and soul inside out. 

You had never felt so cherished as you did that moment. So loved. So adored. It was more than anything you ever hoped to experience and this man above you making it a reality. You began to forget how bare you were, becoming more comfortable in his presence in such a state of undress. Such a bright warm light filled your heart. You felt lifted like his touch could cause you to float away.

"Oh Buck..." you breathed out unintentionally.

He looked up at you and smiled, "I'm here y/n. I'm always going to be here for you."

You could feel his large erect cock brushing against your folds every so often. He was not doing it intentionally. It was just the luck of the positioning. Part of you prayed it would go deeper every time you felt a gentle swipe or nudge. Bucky could see your wetness betraying you and smirked. When the head of his cock next sought entry he didn't move it away this time. It just gently sat ever so slightly parting you. Ever so slowly, millimeter by tiny millimeter, your wetness caused it to slide.

"Is that okay?" a hand came up to brush down the side of your hair as he sought permission.

You nodded and bit your lip unsure how far you could take this, scared of disappointing Bucky with screams part way through like previous attempts.

His cock slide further but your growing wetness caused it to slide upwards between your folds hitting your tingling clit. A small moan escaped your lips. Bucky gently recreated the motion, once again rubbing your clit with his cock. He felt your warmth and wetness on his head. The sight of your shiny, dripping and warm pussy so inviting. He longed to bury himself deep inside. His body aching for the sensation and the final release. His hand come down to his cock as he moved it lower back to your entrance, just the very tip trying to seek entry. Bucky kept his hand there to stop is sliding in further, he was being so cautious. 

"Is this okay?" he asked once again.

"Yes Buck, please, more." with great restraint he edged his cock in little bit at a time. Instinctively you opened your legs wider to him. Each time Bucky would pause staring into your face for any reaction. Your eyes fluttered and your body shuddered as Bucky grazed against some mysterious spot deep inside you. He watched as your bottom lip quivered  in a mixture of nerves and anticipation. Bucky smirked at seeing the visible pleasure, the secrets of your body yet to be explored by yourself let alone Bucky and he felt he had unlocked the first one. After a such a painstakingly slow and wary entry, Bucky was buried to the hilt in you and could feel your warmth and wetness tight all over his member. 

"Oh my god baby girl, you have no idea just how amazing you feel. FUCK!" Bucky laughed as you were completely unaware how fantastic you looked and felt. 

"More Buck, give me more," you whispered nervously yet overwhelmed with anticipation and desire. Bucky gladly obliged as he slowly slide out and then gently thrusted back in and was met by more moans. Bucky lent down and kissed you as he set a slow pace in and out. His mouth swallowing your moans and he hungrily tried to stay aware of you and any subtle changes. Your hands went up to his back, nails slightly digging into his skin. Where this might of once been done in protest you were now doing it unaware you were even spurring him on. Faster he sped up. He felt your vaginal walls loosen as they grew accustomed to his size and presence. Bucky pushed himself up right to admire your quivering body. You shook and wriggled beneath him seeking more as your eyes fluttered and your mouth moaned.

You were lost in the ecstasy as over and over he filled you. Each thrust seemed deeper and harder, you felt the heat rising in you. You felt on fire, like you were being lifted by the flames. As you breathed you didn't even realize how your chest started to try and rise from the bed. Your hands grabbed at what ever material on the bed they could clench as you almost screamed his name. Your mind was lost in the moment and the building tension. Your heartbeat drummed in your ear. Buck slide one of his fingers into your mouth and you hungrily sucked it seeking sensation. Your hands went to your breasts massaging and  rubbing. Taking the finger from your mouth he trailed it down your chest, slowly it moved lower leaving goosebumps in it's wake. Down to your navel it circled teasingly before travelling further south. Bucky stopped as it found your clit, it's end goal. Slowly he applied a hint of pressure and gently moved in circle motions while still thrusting in and out. A fresh wave of moans escaped your mouth. Bucky sped up until his circular motions on your clit matched the pace of his thrusts. You felt a fresh wave of moisture gush from you coating the both of you.

"Christ almighty, angel, you are soaking, and I mean soaking. I, oh, fuck angel, fucking hell angel." You could hear how is voice broke he was struggling to hold back. 

"Hmm, for you Buck, only for you," with words like that from you Bucky began to slam into you. The heat was rising to what you thought would be impossible levels. Your whole body burning. You didn't know what it was but it was your body mounting and seeking it's release. You were about to come undone underneath him.

"Bucky I, I,..." was all you could utter as  it came out strangled from your mouth and turned to a loud moan. It rippled through out you, first one huge wave of blinding pleasure taking over you. Your vision exploded, your body rising as you felt lifted. As it started to subside a new wave raced through you strangling any hint of a coherent sentence. Several more waves rushed over you easing off as you slowly came down from the intense high. Your whole vagina and clit area seemed to tingle. Bucky was not far behind, after seeing you explode in such a way try as he might he couldn't hold it back. One final huge thrust and he paused buried deep as his cock twitched and spluttered as he released his warm seed deep inside of you. His whole body rigid as he threw his head back groaning. 

Bucky rolled off of you and laid on the bed, both of you staring up at the ceiling panting as you regained composure and came down from the high.  You turned your head slightly to look at him and laughed.

"Buck, did we, did I, did you just.....?"

"Yes doll, we really did do...that." He couldn't contain the smile on his face. 

"Is it always like that?"

"Well from what I remember, it has been awhile, no."

You panicked and sat up, "I'm sorry it was so bad, Bucky, I'm sorry, I didn't know what I was doing...."

"NO! I meant it's not normally that good! That was, something else indeed. Unexpected yet amazing, just like you."

 "You held back Bucky?"

"Yeah I don't want to hurt you, wanted to stop the second it became to much."

"I'm sorry, you couldn't fully enjoy it."

"I don't care, I enjoyed seeing you enjoy yourself and I loved every minute of that. Thank you for trusting me and stop saying sorry. I mean every word when I say that was fantastic."

 Bucky sat upright, leant over you and placed a hand to your face and gently stroked his index finger over your smooth, flushed cheek. He lowered his head and kissed you deeply and passionatly, the need from before gone and just left with the pure love he felt for you. 

Once more your phone rang out begging to be answered. You groaned as you wanted to continue bathing in the post orgasm euphoric come down.

"Clean up time angel," he said as he stood up and headed to your bathroom. Reluctantly you followed. Bucky switched the water on and stepped inside. You gingerly stepped in after him, arms covering your chest. Bucky grasped your arm and pulled you into an embrace. His arms wrapped around you as the warm water cascaded over the both of you. He was clinging on to all the intimacy from you he could. 

"You know I love you y/n," he whispered into your ear. "Don't ever forget that. Don't ever doubt it."

You began to cry in his arms. Not tears of sadness, but from tears of happiness. You felt so overwhelmed with everything you had just experienced. It wasn't just the sex but such intimacy and love from Bucky. Any doubts you had about his true feelings melted away in his arms. You had just given this man the only thing that you had left to give, your trust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of filler fluff, but I am about 4/5 draft chapters written a head. Sh*t going to go down and wrap this story up if anyone makes it this far/still reading. Thank you anyone who is reading all these chapters!


	55. Clavicle part 55 (your most beautiful regret)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It must hurt to know I am your most beautiful regret."  
> rupi kaur

The matter of the ringing phones could no longer be ignored, what ever it was had been important. As you dressed Bucky filled you in on what the message stated. Meeting, urgent, no excuses not to attend. Looking at the time...shit you had 20 minutes.  Not enough time to rid yourself of this hangover. Your legs felt like jelly and Bucky kept pulling you into him for dainty little kisses. You mocked protest but smiles and giggles gave you away. 

"Bucky! Please I gotta get ready," you pushed him aside reaching for a hair brush.

"And I told you I'm not letting you go that easily." he grinned watching yourselves in the mirror. He slid his arms around your waist from behind planting a kiss on your cheek. You sighed slumping into the reluctant but wanted embrace. You made eye contact with him through the reflection as you smiled leaning your head back into him. The two of you could of almost passed for a normal couple, almost. The shiny metal of his arm a start contrast against your flesh tone.

Something on your neck caught your eye. "Oh, Buck, is that what I think it is?" you moved towards your reflection, throwing Buckys arms away, rubbing at your neck. "It is! Fuck! You gave me a hickey!"

"Oh damn, I didn't realise, I thought I was being gentle. Can you cover with make up?" 

"Well looks like I have no choice but to try. You go. Best we arrive seperatly to the meeting. Less gossip."

Bucky felt slightly sadened that you still wanted to keep things hidden. He on the other hand was not bothered what anyone else thought, he loved you to much for hushed whispers and secrect rendezvous.

When you arrived at the meeting everyone was waiting, literally everyone. Apart from Snow. This was big. Everyone could sense it and the tension filled the air in the form of awkward whispers, tapping of feet, clearing of throats. When you shut the door harder than antcipated you swore people jumped at the sound. You mumbled a sorry then slid into the first available chair.

"Glad you could join us y/n, if that's everyone we shall begin," Nick Fury stood up from a chair to address the room.A man who looked vaguely familar sat next time him.

"This gentleman here I am sure you all well know as the president of the united states. You are probably all wondering why he is here. This morning, a threat has been made on his life. I'm not talking about usual angry letter, we have reason to believe Hydra have an assassination plot. We will be offering round the clock protection during his stay here in New York, where he is set to hold a meeting at a hotel until the threat is over. Rooms have been booked for the entire team. You will take it in shifts as extra security. Everyone has thirty minutes to pack bags. Let's see this meeting goes without a hitch. What are you waiting for people? Go pack. Cars will meet everyone out front."

Without a chance to get a word, in he sent everyone on their way. One by one people got up and filtered out with an uneasy murmur. You watched as Fury beckoned Bucky over. Heading out the door you waited outside for Bucky. Less than a minute later he followed you out and started down the hallway.

"Hey, Buck, what was that about?" you matched his fast pace walking.

"Snow. I'm off the mission. I have to babysit." Bucky did not sound pleased about the prospect.

"Shame. Idea of us in a hotel room together, could of been fun....

Bucky stopped in his tracks grabbing your wrist halting your stride. Bringing you in to his body, he then walked you backwards pressing you up against the wall. Bucky let out a half growl half moan before pressing his groin into you. You bit your lip feeling the pressure and instinctively opened your legs. A strong hand on either leg lifted you up. Bucky pressed in further, his body weight holding you up against the wall, your legs wrapped round his thick torso. He dived in to kiss you passionately leaving you breathless.

"Bucky..." you strangled out into his mouth. "Someone might see."

"Let them. I don't care." 

"Bucky!" you laughed this time as kisses kept coming. 

"Look, this is all I'm going to get of you now for days."

You stopped protesting and matched him in speed and needful veriocity. As if you were starving and this was the last meal on Earth. An unquenchable appetite for each other, a desire that left you wanting more only to never be fully satisfied. 

A cough startled you and Bucky let go of you, your legs wobbly as they landed back on the floor. Natasha stood hands on hip glaring at both of you.

"Really?" she literally sighed at you. A sheepish grin spread across Buckys face. 

"Y/N, pack your bags, you are bunking with me. It's a luxury hotel but everyone is still having to double up. Though the rooms are so big you won't even care." Natasha strode off leaving you and Bucky to burst into laughter when she left.

"You going to miss me then Barnes?" You started walking to your quarters to pack.

"More than you could ever imagine angel." As much as he was enjoying this new found intimacy, Bucky secretly felt relief at the mission as it put a distance between you and Snow. He had her contained here, for now, and away from you. What damage could she do?

 

* * *

 You stared up at the hotel ceiling with it's elaborate light fixture dangling down. You laid star shaped across the large bed, rubbing your arms and hands over the  black,  smooth silk. Your first shift on guard duty had gone without a hitch but now after eating and showering you laid in pajamas boredom setting in. It was only six pm and the room was lavish but not where you wanted to be. Natasha walked into the bedroom drying her hair from the shower dressing in a luxurious bathrobe. 

"Well that shower is pretty amazing," she stated rubbing the towel through her red locks. "Think we should ask Tony to install some of them."

"I don't know what the showers are going to be like at  the new base. They could be decent."

"What new base?" Nat paused and stared at you with a very deep frown. Shit, she didn't know.

"Oh don't worry something Tony mentioned about possibly moving, better ask him, not sure if I'm coming."

"Why? Where would you be going?" Nat resumed the rubbing action over her damp hair.

You scrunched your eyes up while mentally kicking yourself. Why were you opening your mouth. You were tired, hungover and had been on guard duty, your brain was not switched on. Were you really going to tell Nat before telling Bucky?  "Tony  um, gave me a choice. I can come to the new headquarters OR, start work for a charity in my name."

"Wow, that's big Y/N. Any thoughts? What has Bucky said?"

"He um, doesn't know yet so please if you could not say anything for now. Tony only told me last night and it's been rather eventful. The last twenty-four hours feels like it's been a week."

"Don't worry secret safe with me." Nat's phone vibrated on her ornate night stand. She went to retrieve it, feet padding silently on the soft carpet and smiled at whatever the message was about. 

You tried to pass time reading a book, something Steve had lent you a while ago, but your head wasn't in it. It didn't help hearing the distinct sounds of a phone vibrating repeatedly. And it was not yours. Peering over the top of your book you watched Nat. She sat upright in her bed pouncing on the phone every time it went off. She smiled and bit her lip as she hastily tapped out a reply. 

"Someone is popular," you mumbled from behind your book.

"Don't be so nosey y/n."

"I can't help it, we are sharing a room and you are like a high school girl texing her crush." You put the book down and sat up right in the bed, "Wait hold up! Who are you so into then? It has to be a guy!"

"No, it's nothing y/n!"

"Don't make me come over there and grab that phone, if I have to witness this the whole mission, I should get to know."

"Fine!" Natasha huffed but was smiling. "I have been getting close to someone infact. Very close."

"Someone I know?"

"Yes you know him..."

"So it's someone on the team?! Oh god not Scott? Wanda seems caught up in Vision. Please don't say Tony. Steve?"

"No, not Steve."

"Wait, wait, wait, Banner? Is it Bruce?"

"Bingo." Nat smirked proudly.

"Shit, really!? You guys been keeping that quiet."

"Well not all of our dramas are quite as public as yours y/n. Girls gotta have a little fun in private."

"So is it serious?"

"Well it's mostly been physical. But it is starting to get more serious, more real."

"Ew, so you were fuck buddies first?"

"Maybe, what about you and Buck then?"

You blushed and looked down at your hands while smiling. You didn't have to say anything Nat knew, and she knew what a big deal that was. "You must really trust Bucky then? Even alone with Snow."

"I trust him completely in every way, we finally um, yeah. It's Snow I don't god damn trust."

"No, nobody trusts her. Bucky fought for her and now she's here he now seems to want rid as well. She is a danger. But I think he has the right idea of keeping her where we can watch her, for now. So was the sex good then?"

"Nat!" You picked up a pillow throwing it across the room at her, she easily deflected it while laughing. "If you must know, yes, it was good. Better than good. Fantastic."

"His dick as big as it looks like it would be?"

"Fucking hell Nat I can't believe you would ask!"

"What? Just wondering. He looks like he would be pretty big."

You were silent for a second then started laughing, "Yeah alright, it's big."

"KNEW IT!" Nat triumphantly shouted. "That's it no more questions y/n."

"Hang on that's not fair, you need to spill the dirt on Banner then. Like about fucking now."

"Well let's just say he's not always so shy and serious. I'm happy for you y/n. I really am. I hope you and Bucky make this work.  End the moping about! He's like a puppy that's been kicked."

 

* * *

Ever since Snow had been brought to the Avengers tower and awoken, her programming had given her one goal, and one goal only. Snow had been patient but it was wearing thin. Her failures intensifying the pressure she felt in her brain to complete her life mission. Snows single mission in life was to serve the winter soldier.

All day she had been unable to relax waiting for her chance and here it was. Keeping one ear fixed on the sound of the running shower she turned on the light and scanned the room. Her eyes fell on her target, a phone thrown on to the bed. Quickly she raced over and typed in the pass code, she had eagerly been watching over Bucks  shoulder for days memorizing the code. It wasn't hard to find EXACTLY what she wanted. When finished she ensured she placed the phone back in the same spot as she found it. Snow could hear the water still running, her intial plan had just been the phone, now though another thought popped into her mind.

She stepped towards the bathroom. Snow peeled off her black tank top, slid down then stepped out of her skin tight black leggings. Unhooking her bra she walked into the steamy bathroom in just her panties. She saw his broad back, he hadn't heard her. Snow watched the water run down his body as he lathered up his front half. Pulling back the curtain she stepped in behind him. She traced her finger down his back in a windy path.

"Hmm, Y/N. Your back early," Bucky murmured with his eyes shut enjoying the warm water cascading over him.

 Snow lent forward into him placing her flesh hand on his shoulder. She nipped at his ear lobe then in a husky voice whispered, "guess again."

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Bucky whipped round and grabbed the hand that had been on his shoulder a second previously. His face contorted into pure rage at Snow. "What do you think you are doing? Do you know how inappropriate this is?"

Snow bit her lower lip, letting her eyes narrow slightly then licked her lips following up with a pout of her pretty lips. "Oh Buck, please, it's just us, alone, let yourself loose. Let out any hidden desire."

"There is no fucking desire, hidden or otherwise." Bucky's grasp tightened on her wrist. He let go throwing her hand to the side to turn the water off. Stepping out of the shower onto a bath mat he grabbed a towel, after wrapping one around his waist he threw one at Snow. "Get fucking dressed Snow."

Snow watched as he walked out of the bathroom leaving her alone. She stepped out of her wet panties and left them draped over the bath. Either Bucky would find them or y/n would, either way she hoped it may benefit her somehow. Snow was always plotting and scheming, always.

Holding the towel in her hand she followed him out. Looking down at herself she admired how the water trickled down her sizeable breasts. Shiny trails that encouraged the eyes to gaze upon her, and to trail further south. Bucky was putting on boxers and t-shirt when he turned around to see her there in even less clothing.

"Snow, don't you get it?"

Snow let go of the towel in her hand and strutted to him, she began to slowly, and sensual massage her breasts, a coy smile on her face. Once right infront of him a hand went lower to her wet pussy, stroking over her lips and hair, mainting eye contact with Bucky the whole time. "Fuck me, hard, now," she whispered.

Bucky shoved her hard away from him, luckily for her the bed provided a soft landing behind her. As she landed she spread her  legs opening herself up to him even more, she moaned as she inserted a finger inside of her, "This could be you soldat."

"SNOW! Get up! Get the fuck up and GET OUT. I will only be polite for so much longer." Snow didn't get the hint and kept rubbing and moaning while staring at Bucky. She swore she saw his cock twitch in his boxers, she saw how his pupils dilated. Somewhere, deep down, he wanted this, he wanted her she knew it. She could not let go not now, she could see it buried deep and she so desperately wanted to unlock it from within him.

"I am yours soldat, take what belongs to you. Take this body and make it yours. Whatever you wish can become true, and I mean ANYTHING."

Bucky growled and frighteningly quick he grabbed a fist full of her hair and lifted her head up to his face, "I am done trying to be nice, I have made it clear, get out!"

She moved her hand down to his groin and ran her hand along his cock through the fabric. He was definitely hard and most certainly responded to her touch, in response but not the one she was after,  he started walking toward the door way her hair still entwined in his metal fist. He dragged her from the bed to a kneel position to the floor and kept on walking. Bucky ignored as she cried and grabbed at his wrist continuing to drag her by the thick, black hair. Once at the door way he let go and practically swung her into the hall way. Tears streaked her face as her a pale knees were turning red with carpet burn.

Her face began to contort from tears to anger. She stood up wobbly to meet him face to face. "You will regret that soldat. It must hurt to know I am your most beautiful regret. You want me, you want this. I KNOW it soldat, I KNOW it. I am YOURS."

"YOU! YOU SNOW, YOU ARE NOTHING! YOU MEAN NOTHING TO ME AND NEVER WILL. I only wanted to help you, not fuck you. NOW, get the fuck out of my sight!" Bucky slammed the door so hard the walls shook, leaving the angry and hurt Snow in the hallway naked and wet. She had nothing left loose and she was royally pissed off. That was a dangerous combination for a mentally unstable ex assassin. Her only mission repeating in her ears continually getting stronger, it was all she heard as it drowned out her heart beat or any other thoughts. The need to complete the mission consuming her, becoming more urgent than food or water, becoming more needful than the air in her lungs. Snow White wanted her metal Prince Charming anyway she could get him. 


	56. Clavicle part 56 (when the walls came down)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "When I heard that sound  
> When the walls came down  
> I was thinking about you  
> About you  
> When my skin grows old  
> When my breath runs cold  
> I'll be thinking about you  
> About you
> 
> Seconds from my heart  
> A bullet from the dark  
> Helpless, I surrender  
> Shackled by your love  
> Holding me like this  
> With poison on your lips  
> Only when it's over  
> The silence hits so hard
> 
> 'Cause it was almost love, it was almost love  
> It was almost love, it was almost love
> 
> When I run out of air to breathe  
> It's your ghost I see  
> I'll be thinking about you, about you  
> It was almost love, it was almost..."  
> Rag 'n' Bone Man - Skin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shit is about to go down...  
> Please listen to the song literally stuck in my head for this chapter for months now

Three days. Three days spent in this tedious state of limbo, in an extravagant hotel with a team member who had turned into a 14 year old girl with a crush. Natasha's phone had not left her hands and the constant vibration had become a source of irritation. Being cooped up in a hotel room on call or on guard duty had done little for your mood. Saying you felt mildly annoyed would be an understatement. You had blown a fuse at Nat at least four times in such close quarters. You were hardly winning awards for friend of the year but you were even out doing yourself in bitch levels. You felt like the walls were suffocating you. And you felt so, so, tired, so drained. Nat had to wake you for your last turn on duty as you slept through the alarm. Coming off duty you peeled off your uniform to crawl under the covers finding sleep washing over you instantly.

Bucky had been keeping you some what sane through messages although not quite the same levels of messaging as Natasha. He had told you a bit about what Snow had done in everyone's absence but you had the feeling he was skimming over the surface. He seemed very angry if it was just the usual "come ons" he had been brushing off. Whatever it was she had done this time, he wanted her rid. Bucky no longer cared where she went, his previous sense of duty and care seemed to have gone out the window. Left was only resentful temporary tolerance of her presence. He stated to you that once everyone was back that was it, no matter how brutal it was she would be taken from the tower by force. You were glad of this sudden turn around. You did not trust her and she must of shown herself for what she really was. You knew, even if he did not admit it, that Bucky was some what disappointed he could not bring her out of her programming. She was in too deep and she had no trigger to snap her out of it like Steve had been his.

FBI and his own searches had still yet to yield anything about her identity. Whatever Snows' previous identity had been, Bucky thought there was no way she could return to it anymore. He was giving up the search, he was giving up on Snow. The one person who would give her a chance and he was washing his hands of her. Deep down that did cause a pang of pity for her no matter how much you disliked her. Nobody ASKED to go to the barn and certainly nobody would ask to be turned into such a mindless puppet. That could so easily have been you. You shuddered thinking how you could of become intimate with Bucky in such a different set of circumstances, a whole other life. Fate had still brought you together though . If you were to believe in those sorts of things you may have said destined. Like a large plan to bring you to Bucky one way or another. 

You sprawled out in the large bed, it seemed so empty, so grand for one person. You found your mind daydreaming of Bucky filling the emptiness and before you knew it you had fallen back asleep. A vivid dream came to you about a wolf chasing a deer through the forest. Suddenly it was you being chased through the tangled darkness by an unseen force. You let out a moan then mumble of words in the real world as your fantasy word had come to life. Suddenly you snapped out of it jolting up right. 

"Hey, y/n. You are going to be late." Nats frowning gaze was sat on the bed looking at you. "You were talking in your sleep."

"Yeah sorry, weird dream. It felt...so real! It was weird. What time is it?" You grabbed the phone on the night stand then panicked at how late it was. Not long until you were on duty once again. 

You threw the covers back an headed to where your over night bag contained fresh clothing. Something hit you. A smell. 

"Nat, what is that smell?"

"What? I don't smell anything?" Nat shrugged.

"It's...it's...garlic?"

"I had garlic bread a few hours ago, must be that. Surprised you can still smell it."

"Still smell it? It fucking stinks Nat!"

"Sorry...didn't think it would be that bad..."

Before you could apologies for yet another out burst at her you started to gag. The smell was to much filling your nostrils. You ran to the bathroom barely making ut in time. The splatter forcefully existing with such violence Nat could clear hear it in the next room. There was less blood this time but it was worrisome you were still vomiting. This spell of not eating had only just started to end, but you guessed your body must still of been feeling the effects.

A shower and a room service breakfast and you were ready to start another dull guard duty. It was really quite boring. You just stood outside that room monitoring the comings and goings. Checking badges. Checking food. Check coms for threat alerts. The president was on lock down and confined there until this threat had passed. You hoped it would pass soon already.

You studied the wallpaper that covered the wall of the hallway. Your eyes fixed straight ahead, you had memorized that pattern by now. You were not sure if you were thankful or not for sharing today's shift with Sam. Falcon was not exactly your friend, but he was chatty. Perhaps he had forgiven you somewhat, unlike Scott Lang who continued to spout sarcastic remarks aimed at you.

 After stoping a room service meal to check it was in order Sam turned to you and commented, "Man that guy sure does like his garlic bread."

"Have you tried the garlic bread here yet? Seriously, I don't blame him. Come here and smell my breath. Me and Nat have been living on it. We will be stinking of garlic for weeks," you laughed.

"Nah, you alright, I'll pass,  your good. Maybe I'll try it later. Don't tell Stark, since he is paying, I have been ordering pizza in. Food is nice don't get me wrong, but fancy and what's with tiny portions drizzled with sauce. Asparagus perfectly balanced on top of the pork chop.  The a table spoon of mashed potatoe. What is that?"

"What, don't you like fancy white people food?"

"That's not what I'm saying y/n!"

"I know, I was trying to annoy you Sam and it worked," you winked. "I don't like it either."

"Well, I am glad to see your sense of humor is back Y/N. Even if it's not funny." Falcon turned to you, ever so timidly he placed a hand on your shoulder awaiting aggression from you.  

"DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!" You raised a fist clenched tight as you spat the words out. Falcon instinctively covered his face with his hands then froze when the blow failed to land. Lowering his guard he looked at you confused. The look on his face caused you to burst out laughing.

"That is really not funny Y/N," Sam waggled a finger at you. "Like seriously not funny."

Taking a knife out of a hidden place in your uniform you casually flipped it hand to hand, up in the air, "I'm bored Sam, girls gotta have some fun."

"Yeah well next time I will ask to change shifts, I'll put you on shift with.....SCOTT." Sam's eyes squinted in exaggerated mock threat at you but his lips curled into a smile.

"OH GOD. You wouldn't. Don't you dare. I'd rather listen to Cap go on about how New York 'isn't want it use to be, people aren't the same, litter, pollution blah blah blah'. Scott god damn hates me, still."

"Y/N, are we okay? Are we good?"

"I dunno Sam, are we? I have zero against you."

"Yeah, same Y/N. Just I know we don't often talk. There are things the team have learnt over time, about you, your history why you are....the way you are."

"A total fucking bitch is how Barnes put it."

Sam laughed, "Yeah one way of putting it. If you don't mind me asking, you don't have to answer. Just, what's the deal with you and Bucky? Or is it you and the Cap? Just we are all bystanders seeing the fall out without knowing the whole story.  Some days we have to walk on egg shells not know who or what we are even avoiding."

Your face fell slightly, "There is no me and Steve,  just.....friends...I think we are still friends. Barnes is a whole lotta fucked up. With Snow about I don't know. It's something. If she goes. Then still a big fat question mark. Honest answer. But there is most definitely something."

It felt weird to open up a bit, but also good sharing with someone not part of the circle of drama.

"Y/N? Do you love him, Barnes?"

"I do, I really do."

"Then with or without Snow, find a way to make it work. For all oursakes. Enough of seeing mopey faces. He's all like 'look at me, so dark, so mysterious, so handsome'."

"Falcon." A distorted voice called out in his ear followed by same message entering the communication device nestled in your ear. "Be on alert. Sensors are picking up on something. Heat signatures. Either rats in the roof or something is messing with the sensors. Readings aren't right for people."

"Understood Stark." Sam nodded even though Tony couldn't see them. You and Sam both raised your guns eyes trained on the hall way. Sam on the left you on the right. Silence fell as you both stood on alert.

"SHIT!" Tony shouted in your ear pieces. "INCOMING. WE HAVE INCOMING ON YOUR LOCATION! All team members are on their way to your location. Protect the president."

The door to the presidents room opened making you both jump as three members of the presidents own security team came out. One stood between you and Falcon, the other two walked down the hall scouting each direction. The man on the left shouted just out of eye sight with urgency in his voice, but whatever he had to say was cut short as a bullet shot through his neck followed by one to the head. Silencers were on, you heard footsteps but that was all. Sam sent Redwing a head  which had on board cameras and sensors. In response all the Redwing could make out was smoke. Smoke started to fill the hallways both sides.

"Shit," you muttered under your breath as your eyes struggled to detect any shapes. Gun fire came from the security member on the right then silence fell. The third security team member fell back into the bedroom with the president. Black shapes took form through the haze of the smoke. You stepped forward and fired into the smoke and heard a cry as you hit at least one target. It was disorienting as was intended. You could hear foot steps, movements. See the shapes move in and out of the smoke. Yet they didn't make a move at you.

"What the fuck they play at?" Sam muttered as he went to fire into the cloud of smoke. The smoke started to come closer as more smoke bombs were thrown to hide their movements. You guessed they had gas masks on as you started to cough.

"Fuck it Sam, I'm going in."

"NO - WAIT Y/N-" Sam protested as you faded into obscurity. He couldn't make out what was happening, why weren't they attacking. He could make out the grunts from the smoke and the sound of your laugh. He guessed you were doing well finding them in the smoke. Something caught his eye, reflecting off of the smoke like head lights through fog, flashing. He looked as the hallway suddenly lit up with several flashes along the walls both directions. The foot steps sounded as if they were retreating echoing away. 

"Y/N!  GET DOWN! FALL BACK, FALL BACK!" Falcon ducked into the presidents room as he pushed and motioned for everyone in the room to get back away from the door. A loud sound vibrated through out everything, followed by several more. Falcon held his breath as the door blasted open, the walls started to crumble where the blasts originated leaving gaps between the room and hallway. He thought he heard you cry out but it was too muffled to tell. Smoke and dust filled the room. Standing up he waited for an enemy to descend that did not come. 

"WHAT IS HAPPENING OVER THERE SAM? I'm at the staircase. It's clear." He heard Natasha shout into his ear piece

"I don't have a clue! Have they retreated?" Sam took some tentative steps forward. "Y/N?"

Edging forward with gun raised he made it to the door, scouting both directions he saw no movement as dust continued to settle.

A pile of debris shifted slightly. A hand! A handle stuck up through the rumble then fell limp.

"Y/N!" Sam shouted as he sprinted over. Desperately he grunted at the effort trying to pull rubble from you. His hands began to bleed but Sam didn't notice. He ignored the voices of everyone shouting in his ear asking what was happening. The now silence of the hallway hitting him hard as you weren't responding to him. 

 

The first rumble took you by surprise and the second and third happened so quickly you didn't have time to process what was actually happening. Instinctively you ducked to the ground with your hands covering your head. Your heart hammered in your chest. First it was just dust and small debris. Then you heard a creaking sound. You looked up in time to see both the ceiling and wall collapsing down. You tried to dive forwards out of the way, but a large chunk landing on your leg trapped you. You could only watch as it happened, more large pieces of wall and ceiling fell on you. Your arm stretched up and out away from you seeking help where there was none. In the back of your mind you pictured Buckyl out in the hallway able to grasp your hand and pull you to safety. The rational part of you knew this wasn't the case, he was back at base, but you couldn't help but think of him.

You couldn't move as you were fully entombed by the walls and ceiling coming down on you. You were sure you had some head injury as your head felt hazy and foggy. Blinking liquid, you were unsure if tears or if it was blood, there was just darkness (not that you could turn your head to look around to actually see anything) as no chinks of light filtered through. Realizing how entombed you were and feeling pressure pressing down on every part of you, you let your body slacken as you helplessly surrendered yourself to the situation. You weren't sure what was an injury, what was panic or what was loss of air as your breathing became labored. It hurt to breath and your head became fuzzier as you swore you were running out of air to breath. 

You thought you could hear his voice, distorted at first, but growing clearer. You thought you could hear Bucky calling out to you and in your mind his face began to form taking on features as the voice grew louder.

"Bucky," you whispered unsure if it was out loud or in your mind. "I'm cold Bucky, and it hurts."

"It's okay y/n. It will all be okay. You can stop fighting and rest now. I'll get to you. Rest and go to sleep."

You felt the shivers run through you as your eyes grew heavier. In your mind you felt Bucky, or the ghostly vision in your mind, press his lips to your head and stroke his finger tips across your cheeks. 

"Bucky," you whispered again,"I love you Bucky. We were nearly together. We nearly made it. I have missed you so much on this mission. I know i haven't told you that in my texts, but it's true. I know I'm not open enough with you. But I really have missed you. I just longed for you each night. I want to feel your arms wrapped around me as I fall asleep."

"I know Y/N, I know. It was almost love. We nearly did it, but that doesn't matter, because you are still my angel even if we didn't work out. Shh now. Listen to my voice and rest."

"Buck, you aren't really here are you?"

"You know the answer to that y/n. But it's me you see, it's me your mind turns to in panic so just focus on me."

Your eyes snapped open as you hadn't even realized they had begun to close. Your arms and legs started to become heavier and number. You vaguely remembered hearing how the body shut off blood supply to the extremities in order to keep the blood in the heart, save strength to pump it around the vital organs. You didn't know if it was true, but as you thought that could be the case here, you mentally clung on to the vision of Bucky in your minds eye. This time you knew it was a tear as you so desperately clung to it, trying to reel it in and hold it tight. Trying to draw strength from it feeling the coldness seeping through you. This was it. This was the end. Your final moments would be spent with Bucky regardless of his actual location. He was everything to you, so of course even now he filled you. Of course it was him that you thought about as the walls came down. 

 "I won't let go Buck, not again. I refuse to say goodbye," you sobbed. "We were going to be together on the balcony. I gotta get to the balcony. I can't loose you, I gotta...make it..."

A few labored breaths and your eyes blinke feeling heavy and met real resistance to open them again. Until one last extremely drowsy closing of the lid that you could not halt. Your mind went black as the vision of Bucky vanished with no energy left to call out to him. 

* * *

 

Natasha took the last few bites of garlic bread, her and Y/N had become addicted to in their time here. She smiled to herself as her phone vibrated on the bed next to her, picking it up she hurriedly tapped out a reply eagerly awaiting a response. When it vibrated again, the reply was not from Bruce but a warning for all team members to go to the presidents hotel room. She dressed quickly grabbing knives, guns and whatever she could fit on her tactical belt. She heard the rumble from above and hurried out the door gun raised, abandoning her again vibrating phone on the bed. If she had not been distracted by the rumbles she would of seen the screen.

"ONE NEW MESSAGE RECEIVED

FROM BRUCE BANNER.

Nat it's urgent, get Y/N OUT of there now. Test result I over looked, I checked the results again, she needs to come back to base. I don't know what the warning Tony has just sent out is but get her some place safe."

The text had been sent while she was dressing. If she had looked quick enough she could of sent warning to you and Sam up above. But it was to late. 

Natasha appeared at the furthest point away from the frantic Sam entering the hallway. She analyzed the scene, able to see through a hole in the wall, the president was fine.

"President is alive and unharmed. We have a member down. I repeat team member is down. Unable to tell full extent as body is yet to be found. Everyone stand by to get Y/N medical attention."

"Natasha!" She heard a new voice in her ear piece. 

"Yes Banner now is not the time-"

"No Nat! Did you get my message?"

"What message?" The fear in Bruces voice set her on edge.

"You were meant to get her out of there Natasha. Something she needed to know. She should never have gone on the mission." 


	57. Clavicle part 57 (Love is madness)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You are insane  
> My desire  
> A violent daydream  
> Love, love  
> You are crazy  
> A perfect liar  
> Said you'd save me  
> Love, love  
> I know the moment I looked into your eyes  
> I'd have to swallow all your lies  
> I never said that I would be your lover  
> I never said that I would be your friend  
> I never said that I would take no other  
> Be your lover  
> Never said  
> You are insane  
> My desire  
> A dangerous game  
> Love, love  
> You are crazy  
> A perfect liar  
> Simply save me  
> Love, love  
> I know the moment I looked into your eyes  
> I'd have to swallow all your lies  
> I never said that I would be your lover  
> I never said that I would be your friend  
> I never said that I would take no other  
> Be your lover  
> Never said  
> Oh, woah  
> No, oh  
> No, woah  
> Love is madness"
> 
> 30 Seconds to Mars - Love is Madness

Bucky walked into the communal kitchen to fill his gym bottle up from the the fridge. The refrigerate had a filter and dispensed the best cold water Bucky had ever tasted. He planned to waste sometime in the gym and perhaps go for a run after.  With the super soldier serum in his system he felt this adrenaline in his system that exercise helped manage. He knew Steve felt it to, which is why he was often out running excessively. It was as if it would build up and he HAD to wear himself, only that took more work than the average person. He NEEDED to work up that sweat or it would come out as frustration. It also meant a lot of showers and a lot of dirt laundry. Often he lived, when not leaving the base, in easy gym clothes to avoid having to change so often. Today a tight black t-shirt clung to his broad chest and grey jogging bottoms threatened to show the outline of his cock. 

Snow licked her lips taking in the visual feast as she moved from her hiding spot, walking up to him confidently.

"Jesus fucking christ, you been standing there for how long? Have you been waiting for me?" His tone more accusing than questioning. 

"Hmm," she purred as she walked RIGHT up to him. "Why? like the idea of me ready, waiting for you? Any time. Any place. Just say it."

"Snow, you are out of your god damn mind. Why don't you take no for an answer already? You really are crazy, you know that right? You are insane." Bucky took a step back trying to put space between them.

"Hush!" Snow placed her finger to his mouth. "You know that some say love is a form of madness. It really is quite true. When you know what, or who you want, your brain does not let it go. I do not let it go."

"You really _should_  learn to let go Snow," Bucky pushed her hand aside from his mouth aggressivly.

"I knew the moment I looked into your eyes you were not the same soldat. I knew I'd have to swallow all your lies. I have done. Now stop lieing in. To me, to yourself. Strip out of this skin you wear it's not who you are. I always win Soldat. One way or another."

"Is this, some sort of game to you? You are a perfect liar though aren't you? Acted so sweet and innocent when you first woke up. You keeping stepping it up but it never works. This is a dangerous game to play. So just stop it. You are getting no where."

"NO soldat, it is YOU that plays a game. With my love.  You said you would save me, now I'm trying to save you soldat. Save you from this false  _existence_. You think you can be one of them? You think you are like them? Does Y/N know everything you have done? I do soldat. I know because I was at your side loading the guns, disposing of the bodies. You can't wash the blood from your hands so come bath with me in it."

"Snow, I never said that I would be your lover. I never said that I would be your friend. I just wanted to HELP you."

"Oh you did help me Bucky, you did. How long would I have been left frozen for? You thawed me out, you brought me back to you. You did that, not me. I didn't ask you to my love, but deep down, you knew who I was. Knew what I was." Snow stepped forward and placed both hands on his solid chest. She sensually ran them up over his muscles, over his shoulders, down his arms. "Your body is a work of art Bucky. Hydra miss you. You were their best, and longest running asset. Their success. Come bath in the glory and my love."

"Glory? They TORTURED ME. Nothing glorious about that. Now, get off me, I'm busy."

A loud sound rumbled outside of the Avengers tower. Bucky frowned as it sounded big and loud. Snow smirked apon hearing the sound.

"What's that?" Bucky said.

"Oh that, that will be for me." She had a knowing sly look.

"What do you mean?"

"Bucky, soldat, I will be honest, this is it. This is your last choice. Come be with me. Live your life with me. How you are supposed to be. Y/N is nothing. She was a reject in the barn while I was the winner. You my prize."

"Not a fucking chance! Snow there is no way in hell! How can I get that into you? I guess I can't. You are what they made you." Bucky sighed. It was futile. Going round in circles with the deranged beauty. The raft looked more and more like the only option.

Snow let out a weary breath, "I was afraid that would be your answear. It could of been over much easier, much simpler soldat, if you just came with me." From somewhere tucked away behind her back Snow pulled out a needle.

Snow stepped forward ready to plundge it into his neck but Bucky was quick enough to jump back. She ran at him but with his strong leg he kicked her backwards. Snow went flying backwards on to the floor, the needle falling from her hand landing a few meters away. Snow dat herself up groaning, her eyes scanned for the needle. Her gaze falling on it you tried to lunge for it but Bucky jumped on top of her. He held her down to the ground as Snow tried to wrestle back. Her knee came up and connected with his groin. Bucky loosened his pin on her for second as he winced but then regained control. His hands held her down at the wrists, his strong legs holding down hers.

"Hmm, soldat, this what it takes to get you going? I should of tried drugging you sooner." She smirked. Snow looked like she was enjoying it.

"What are you doing Snow?"

The loud rumble became louder as if coming closer, Bucky looked up from Snow. A jet hovered at the large windows of the lounge area that could be seen in the connected kitchen area.

"That would be for me," Snow stated confidently. "It's for me, for us. To take us home." Snow managed to head butt Bucky hard enough he saw stars. This time when he loosened his grip she managed to reach for a knife hidden on her body. She plunged it into Bucky's side causing him to growl in pain and surprise. He rolled off of snow sideways in the opposite direction of the injury. Finding the knife stuck in him, he pulled it out slick with his blood.

"You fucking bitch," he muttered. Snow laughed in response. Scrambling to his feet Bucky stepped forward swiping the blade at her but Snow easily side stepped.

"It was a decoy, the president. He is in no real threat. I just wanted everyone there." She side stepped another swipe as they danced around the room."I made sure she was on duty. I looked on your phone. You were sent the list of shifts even though you weren't there. Say bye bye and come home with me soldat. You know, she is probably already dead, do you know that? You killed her Bucky. You did that the moment you woke me up."

Bucky lunged again this time not missing as he stabbed her through the chest. He watched wide eyed as the blade slid in slowly, deeper and deeper, until it went to the hilt. It missed her heart but was deep. Snow wheezed as she kept her eyes locked on Bucky, perhaps he got a lung instead. A crimson pool started to spread as blood seeped through her clothing.

Snow pulled the blade out, screaming, eyes still trained on Bucky as she did so. Snow started a soft but crazed laugh looking at the bloody knive, as if surpised Bucky could of done this. It was a scene that would haunt him. Her crazed eyes and manic laughing as blood poured out.

 "You. You betrayed us. Why would you think that would get me to come with you?" Bucky no longer sounded angry. 

"I told you soldat, you were my mission."

Bucky rushed her knocking her into a wall. Pressed up against his body she smiled, she bucked her hips foreward into his. Even now as she bled out trying. "This not remind you of old times soldat? Admit that feels good. Feel my body against yours. Before I die, just give it to me once. Fuck me. No one has to know. I would be a better fuck that y/n anyway. More guys fucked her in the dirt of that barn than me. I'm less destroyed. Less scars. I watched. I watched as they raped her. She didn't scream for them because she LIKED it. I am more pure than her. She's a whore!"

A look of disbelief flashed on his face. Bucky couldn't believe what he was hearing given the situation. Without wasting his breath on her deaf ears he first grabbed the knife from her hand, then plunged the knive deep into her stomach. To Bucky it felt like it was karma. Divine retribution that he be betrayed by Snow. Is this how you had felt? Someone claiming to love you hurting you.

"For what it is worth soldat, I'm glad it's you who is going to kill me. I get to die in your arms. I can not think of a better way to go than being held by the one you love. Bucky, hold me? Don't let me die alone."

Bucky released her and her body slid down the wall, leaving smears of blood, slumping on the floor. Bucky sat next to her crumpled form and brought her head into his lap. A tear rolled down his face. He didn't know what Snow had done at the hotel, to you, but her words scared him. Bucky was struck with sadness at the life hydra had robbed from Snow, what they made her into. He felt it his duty to show one last act of kindness to someone so consumed by their programming. He was all Snow wanted and she would rather die in his arms than return to Hydra alone. 

Bucky silently watched Snow's chest rise and fall. The movement become more shallow and slower. She looked at Bucky and reached up weakly with a blood stained hand to gingerly stroke his cheek. Even now, at the end, she looked up at him with those wide eyes full of devotion. Snow took one last breath, her eyes closed, her body went limp. Dying in the arms of her beloved Soldat she couldn't of asked for a better death.

Bucky hung his head cradling her head as the sound of the aircraft outside continued. Eventually it left as police helicopters began to circle. It's passengers never boarding. Bucky hoped that Snow found some kind of peace in the grave. If an after life waited for her he prayed her soul would be washed clean from everything that had been inflicted on her. The thought of the programming following her into the grave creating a mission obsessed ghost sickned him. He hoped it would end here, now. The last victim of the barn, other than you, gone. Bucky could not forget that for Snow that was where it truly began. The horrors inflicted there, she probably welcomed the out Hydra gave her. Snow and you could easily have been in reversed roles if fate had worked differently. 

* * *

 

The steady electrical beeps and sounds seemed exaggerated in the hospital room as there was only an uneasy silence. Steve stroked your hand unsure of what to do or say. It was hard seeing you like this but leaving you alone here felt wrong. Like you had been abandoned. You looked so deathly pale and fragile laid in the stark white bed. Steve could see on your skin where bruises were begining to form on well, pretty much all of you. Once they bloomed in all their glory they were going to be quite a sight along with the various bandages and stitches.

Looking up to the small window in the door he felt eyes on him. Natasha stood on the other side staring in at him. Releasing your limp hand he met her outside ensuring to shut the door as quietly as possible. Trying to give you all the peace he could while in your current state.

"Steve," the red head sounded stern. "Go home. You have been here all night."

"Yes, I just don't want her waking up alone. Not knowing where she is. Especially since Bucky is refusing to see her."

"So that's it. You feel bad because Bucky won't see her. You feel guilt because of his own guilt. Steve. It is his choice. Don't take on his burdens. You can't force him. Although I may break his balls for being a dick."

"Yeah okay Nat. You are right this time. Once again I'm cleaning up one of Bucks' messes. I just don't get it. Why won't he come see her?"

"I'm always right. He thought she was dead, because of him. I understand his reasons even though I don't like it one bit."

A balding middle aged man came over carrying a clipboard intterupting the conversation.

"How is she?" Steve gestured to your room as he addressed the doctor.

"She will be fine, she is healing fast, surprisingly so. Given what happened, we would expect far worse injuries. After that not sure what else I can say. Is there a husband, a boyfriend? There is some delicate matters to discuss." The man looked to Steve then to Natasha. "A girlfriend even..."

"It's complicated...." Nat sighed.

"Well, we have no records of a next of kin. We don't know who to inform. There is a delicate matter to discuss but there is no clear authorization of who to inform."

Natasha explained the whole situation from your lack of family to living and working with the Avengers. Given your job role, secrets involving health matters would have to be reported regardless, by you or the hospital. 

The doctor sighed feeling unsure but agreeing to keep them informed of all news. "Well as you are her superiors and friends, SHE is fine. She will be a okay, healing remarkably well, however she has lost the baby due to injuries sustained."

"Baby? What baby?" Steve couldn't hide the shock in his voice.

"She was several weeks pregnant."

"But, y/n can't have children?" Steve tried to argue with the doctor.

"Well, apparently she can. I'm sorry to bring such news. We will keep you updated of any changes." the doctor smiled sympatheticly. Steve watched slack jawed as the doctor departed.

Once he was out of ear shot Natasha turned to Steve. "Cap, please tell me the truth. Are you the father?" 

"No of course not! We never...no...it's not me."

"So must be Barnes then?"

Steve rubbed his forehead feeling a headache come on and sighed, "I don't think they ever got that far. She had um,  intimacy issues. Bucky would be best bet but I can't say yes or no."

"Steve," Nat looked to Steve with saddnes in her eyes. "This isn't going to go down well is it, this news?"

"Honestly, I am genuinely terrified Y/N will jump off the deep end this time Nat, she is tough though. She may surprise us, she's endured hell."

Nat placed a hand on Steve's forearm trying to convey her fear for you, "Y/N thought she couldn't have children. I can't have children Steve. We spoke about it briefly on rare occasions. I just know that if I was to wake up one day, find the baby I didn't know was possible or even existed, had been torn away from me, the baby that may never exist again....top it off it was due to Snow of all people. I don't think I'd take the news to well. Who is going to tell her?"

"My instinct says it should be Bucky. But given what's happened I'm not so sure. Who is she least likely to strangle?"

"I think that would be you then Steve. You can at least hold her off when she goes to kill you." Nat smirked knowing her joke wasn't just a joke but could be a reality. "Plus you use to be close, right? She use to talk to you?"

"Use to being the word....we aren't exactly best of terms right now."

"Well good luck, I'm going to go shower and sleep after being up all night." The red head walked away leaving a concerned Steve alone. He turned and looked in the window of your hospital room door. How could he be the bearer of such bad news? You were about to be emotionally crushed just hours after being physically crushed. Steve felt his heart ache for you. For Bucky, and reluctant to admit it but himself knowing he could not heal you with such great a scar on your heart. He was going to be useless to offer any help after delivering the devastating blow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so the pregnancy symptons i scattered about  
> The vomiting was obvious  
> Nat spotted bloated belly, you won't get a bump that early but boy can you bloat.  
> Sense of smell increased (nat and the garlic bread)  
> Moody (snapping at Nat)  
> Vivid dreams
> 
> I think that was all of them?


	58. Clavicle part 58 (What doesn't kill...makes you wish you were dead)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What doesn't kill you  
> Makes you wish you were dead  
> Got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper  
> And I can't take  
> One more moment of this silence  
> The loneliness is haunting me  
> And the weight of the world's getting harder to hold up  
> It comes in waves, I close my eyes  
> Hold my breath and let it bury me  
> I'm not OK and it's not all right  
> Won't you drag the lake and bring me home again  
> Who will fix me now?  
> Dive in when I'm down?  
> Save me from myself  
> Don't let me drown  
> Who will make me fight?  
> Drag me out alive?  
> Save me from myself  
> Don't let me drown  
> What doesn't destroy you  
> Leaves you broken instead  
> Got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper"  
> Bring Me the Horizon - Drown

Steve headed to the canteen of the hospital in search of a coffee, even if was cheap and the taste reflected that he wanted to sit with a hot drink. With a heavy heart he left your room. Walking through the corridors it rolled around in his mind, how on earth was he going to tell you? He was going to destroy you with the word's and then who was going to be left holding the pieces.

Rounding a corner he entered the very white, very bare but practical eating area. The smell of hot food hit him as he could see all the food on offer. He grabbed a tray and made his way along the line. A blueberry muffin and a coffee was all he purchased, despite not eating for hours, then he made his way to find a seat.

A familiar gleam caught his eye in a corner, Bucky's metal hand reflected the light coming in from a window. His long hair covering his face as his head slumped down. Silently Steve slide in a chair opposite him. He noticed the blood on Bucky's jogging bottoms and, less obvious on black, but there on his t-shirt. He had yet to go get dressed and washed after coming in with Snow's body at the same time Nat and Sam were coming in with yours.

"Buck, look at me. Are you okay?" Steve addressed Bucky sternly.

"Yeah, fine, tired, but fine, better than well..."

"Why don't you go get cleaned up Buck? If you aren't going to see her then go home for your sake. Get some sleep."

"I can't Steve, I just can't. I can't stand to see her like that. Bandaged up and wires and all. But, I can't stand to leave her either." Bucky slammed his metal fist down on the table causing some curious glances from others around you. "It's my god damn fault Steve."

"Well let's not go through it all now Bucky unless you are really ready to. You aren't going to listen to a damn word I say and will keep on beating yourself up anyway. If you want to talk, then talk. I'm here. If not then, listen. Y/N is probably going to wake up feeling like crap. She is bruised and battered head to toe. Doped up on pain meds.  Seeing that look on your face is going to hit home how bad it nearly was for her and who caused the explosion. You need to pull your head out of your own self pity for HER. Deal with your own problems in your own time, but while around her try to be present. Be aware. Be there for her. She is going to need you."

"Yeah, I know Steve, I know just... things were starting to look up for us. You know, we had an honest chat. No fighting. We gave ourselves a chance. Starks party. We were going to maybe start something really real this time. And now...I don't know if she's going to want me anywhere near her. "

"You go in there with that attitude, you made that decision for her. But listen Buck. It may get a lot worse. Kinda why I'm talking about you being there for her. She may be more hurt than you realise, she doesn't even know herself yet. I probably shouldn't be telling you. I hope she forgives me for telling you...."

"Steve," Bucky interrupted. "You're rambling. Spit it out.".

Steve leant foreward resting his arms on the table and lowered his voice. "Bucky, I need to know, did you have sex with y/n?"

Bucky frowned while scanning Steve's eyes, he was confused  as to why the Cap was asking such a personal question. "Maybe? Why? It was only the once. Few days ago."

"Are you sure? You didn't maybe, weeks ago?"

"No, it was the day the meeting was held about the hotel mission."

"She, she was pregnant Bucky. If not you then who?"

Bucky visibly crumpled in his seat. His jaw slackened and his mouth went dry. "Was?"

"Yeah Buck as in she was, but not anymore."

"But, but it can't be, she can't? We didn't finish?"

"So you did sleep with her?"

"Well, yeah but we don't count it as never finished."

"Bucky. Pre cum, you can get pregnant from pre cum."

"I didn't know.....are you sure? There wasn't a mix up?"

"Well y/n doesn't know about this yet. The doctor informed me and Natasha, although Natasha didn't seem all that surprised, I suspect maybe she already knew."

"Steve, this, has just gone from awful to worse..I can't believe it.....she was carrying my child. My child Steve. I, I, can't believe I am even saying those words." The mixture of pain and shock was etched into his face. Dampness pricked at his eyes. "I don't think I can do this Steve. I can't face this...not today..."

"I know Buck, I know, go home. Get cleaned up. I will stay here with Y/N. I'll make sure she doesn't wake up alone." Steve placed a hand on Bucky's shoulder and squeezed reassuringly. He thought if he spoke with calm authority it might help hide the fact he was scared to tell you the news. The look on his friends face had been hard enough. The thought of you waking up, alone in pain, confused in an empty hospital bed killed him. Steve would make sure he would be your side until Bucky could pull himself together. 

 

* * *

 

Your eyes slowly opened, but the light filtering in seemed so harsh and blinding you couldn't help but blink as your eyes struggled to adjust. Your lids felt sore and heavy, your eyes burning. The light was artificial and bright above you. Your head felt cloudy as you struggled to move your view from the lights to anything else. Where were you? Turning your head slowly to your right you locked on to white speckled ceiling tiles,  a white wall then a hazy figure. You blinked again your eyes slowly making out the form slumped in a chair by your bedside. You realized then that you were in a bed, lifting your hand you found an IV line attached. You eyed it up confused and suspicious.

"Steve?" Your voice didn't feel or sound like your own, it came out strangled as you battled a very dry throat. There was no response. You tried to utter the name several more times each rasp getting slightly clearer. Razor blades sliced your throat each time you tried to say a word or attempted to swallow. In all honesty you were surprised to find yourself alive, last thing you remembered was the darkness. You had felt the pull of the heaviest sleep you had ever known, instead you woke up feeling like you had been hit by a train.

The figure suddenly bolted up right and alert, "Y/N! Hey, don't try and talk!"

"Are, you, okay?" You frowned at the weary looking soldier struggling with each word. He laughed in response.

"Sorry Y/N. Just here we are and you are asking ME if I'm okay. Look I'm fine. I have been here a day and a night waiting to see those pretty eyes open and look at me. I am fine, especially now you are finally awake."

"The president?"

"Yeah, he is fine Y/N. Everyone is fine. Only you were injured. But you are tough aren't you? Doctors say you are going to be A okay. They say average human would not have survived that but we know you are more than that. You are a fighter Y/N. You may need to take it slow though, even with fast healing  like yours you got some healing to do.."

"Where is Bucky?"

"He is, Bucky is....  fine. Don't worry about him."

"So, Steve you are the one here at my bedside, while he is....at home? With Snow?"

"Well, not exactly. Listen Y/N. I'll go grab a doc, tell 'em you're awake, I will fill you in later."

You struggled to sit up feeling wires and god knows what attached to you, you hadn't fully taken in your surroundings. You winced as the movement seemed such a huge task while so dazed and the sharp pain shot through out your body. It all hurt, everything, you could not pin point what bruise started where and another began. 

"Wow, wow, wow, keep still y/n. Here." Steve jumped up to place a hand on your arm helping you sit up and adjusted the pillow behind your back.

"Don't give me bullshit excuses Steve Rogers. You have guilt written on your face. What is it?"

"Y/N. Please wait to shout at me after I'm done talking. Don't shoot the messenger." Steve went on to explain how it was a set up, how after failing to bring Bucky back she died in his lap. His calm voice helping to down play the raised emotions.

"That fucking whore! That bitch! So she planned for me to be on duty?  Well can't say I'm sad to see her go! Nice one Buck bringing her into our lives to be able to do this. God damn him."

"Yeah listen Y/N. There is one more thing," Steve moved from his spot in the chair to perch on the hospital bed. He cupped your hand in his noticing how small it seemed in comparison. So fragile. He could see the bruising forming on your skin giving you a slightly ghoulish look. Make up wasn't going to cover this up. "When you came in the doctors found out you were um, pregnant, unforunatly Y/N, the baby didn't make it."

You burst out laughing at how serious the Cap seemed, "Yeah funny joke Cap."

"NO,  y/n." His eyes took on a very serious look and you went from laughing to frozen in shock to then letting out a scream. A spectrum of emotions in space of ten seconds.You pushed his hand off of your own.

"No, no no no no no, it can't be, no." You shook your head from side to side pleading with you didn't even know who. You kicked the white hospital sheets from your legs violently and looked down. Your stomach felt tender but then so did most of you. You began to cry and clawed at your skin rocking back and forth. Your finger nails gouged at your arms as you dug them in

"Y/n. Calm down! Calm down."

"YOU FUCKING CALM DOWN STEVE!" Your hand ran to your chest ripping a monitor off then down your arm, down your hand, finding the IV line. You didn't hesitate ripping the canula out causing blood to trickle out as you swung your legs over the edge of the bed. Steve pressed an emergency red button by your bed side.

"Y/N, don't try to get up yet, please, I'll help you into the bed." Steve went to touch you but you violently slapped his hands away. Standing up you made it one step before you collapsed into the waiting arms of Steve. "I told you Y/N. REST."

Two nurses burst in looking very surprised to see you up and about, they tried to take you out of Steve's grasp and place you back onto the bed. Your weak protests ignored so you began screaming at them. You wrestled back as they tried to get you to sit down. With one final push you managed to push them both off sending them flying. Their eyes like saucers in fear of you.  Lucky for them you were weakened or you could of really hurt someone.Holding their hands up as if to surrender, they edged back as you took on a look of crazed terror. 

Steve turned to the nervous nurses and told them to just go, come back when the screaming stopped. Reluctantly, but secretly glad, they agreed. The staff had been informed you were somewhat special but this is not what they expected. 

"THEY ARE WRONG STEVE! THEY GOT IT WRONG! IT'S ALL WRONG" Your hands still clawed at your own flesh as you repeatedly screamed your denial.

"No Y/N. Come here. It will be okay, it's okay." Steve was met with more screams that slowly turned to sobbing. He took a tentative step forward relived you didn't fight him off as he brought your shaking body into an embrace. He could feel the violent sobs coursing through your whole being. You sunk all of your weight into Steve without any warning catching him off balance. He stumbled backward down to the floor with you in his arms.

That was how Natasha found you thirty minutes later, still in the same position curled up on his lap with face buried into his chest. The scene was familiar as it was not the first time she had witnessed Cap embracing you in such a manner. History repeating. Your hands clutched a fist full of his shirt as you cried. Nat didn't even need to see your face to know it was bad.  Your arms hands and legs alone bruised and battered. Steve  pushed the hair out of your face and brought his thumb up to wipe away a tear as he placed a gentle kiss on your forehead.

Nat felt such pity not just for you, but for Steve. Steve had kept it hidden to everyone but Nat could see it in the way he looked at you, how tenderly he treated you. Steve's real feelings for you spilling out into the room and Nat could feel it in the air. Truth be told you looked good together, like you could be a couple. Nat thought to herself how different things would be, calmer, if it has been Steve you had fallen for rather than Bucky.

* * *

 Four days later you were discharged from hospital, much to the surprise of the staff. You still ached head to toe from the extent of the bruising and injuries but it was just a matter of convalescing now. Dressing yourself in preparation to leave you eyed yourself in a small compact mirror. You looked as atrocious as you felt. The bags under your eyes were disguised by the severe bruising. Your lips still swollen and sore with an angry split running through your puffed out bottom lip. Hair ragged and knotted just hastily dealt with. The clothes you wore were not your usual attire but it was a struggle to dress yourself. You would not ask for help though. Steve had brought you the looser fit soft cotton clothing and slippers as a going home outfit without consulting you, he could see for himself the pain you were in. The last four days had gone by in a blur of tears and pain medication haze. You welcomed the drug induced mental cloud though as you had to deal with the practical issues of loosing a baby you never knew you had. Like loosing blood. The nurses had kindly brought large maternity pads saving you the embarrassment of asking someone to purchase you some. Leaving hospital wearing maternity products but without a baby, what a slap in your already damaged cheek.

Your visitors had only been Steve and Nat, no Bucky. Not even so much as a messaged passed on to you through Steve. His lack of care to you fed your growing resentment now. It was Steve who had looked after you in hospital. It was Steve who was taking you home now. This begged the question, once back at the tower was it to be Steve you turned to then? You weren't looking foreward to going back to the tower. What was left for you now this time? The heartache you felt would still be carried with you deep in your soul and leaving the hospital would not cure that.

You answered your own question by shutting him out once back at the tower. The minute Steve left you in your room saying he was at your beck and call, you refused to speak to anyone. The second Steve shut the door you slowly, and painfully peeled back the sheets and crawled under the covers of the bed. A cleaner had been in, the sheets were fresh. Flowers had been placed on your bedside table. Wincing as you sat up to pull the sheets back over yourself you began to cry, letting the waves of tears wash over you as you closed your eyes to block out the world.

In that moment you felt so pathetic and useless. So weak. No wonder Bucky hadn't come to see you. Why would he when you were a mess? Thoughts flooded your brain taking root and pushing you deeper down your dark hole. Was Bucky morning the loss of Snow to much to be there for you? Did the fact you slept with him mean NOTHING to him? Or did he get what he want from you and toss you aside like trash?

Hours later a knock at the door startled you from the sleep you were not aware you had fallen into.

"Just a head's up Y/N, I'm coming in anyway just a warning since you aren't answering me!" Steve called through the door to you. You didn't even bother to respond, you remained there with your back to the door laying in the bed. The handle turned and Steve stepped in with a tray of food and drink. "I got for you here some sandwich and water, oh, and a hot coffee."

Placing it down on your dressing table Steve then walked over to the bed. "Y/N?"

"Thanks," you mumbled into your hand that covered your mouth. 

"Y/N. Look at me." Reluctantly you turned over and stared up at him with blood shot eyes from crying. "Hey hey hey, you've been crying? What's going on?"

You felt like a teenager getting a talking to from a parent, you were reluctant to talk so just stared out into the room in silence. 

"Well, okay, I'm going to go but if you need anything you know where I am y/n," Steve slowly turned and head to the door. Just as he was about to exist you stopped him.

"WAIT! Steve, please, don't leave me alone," you started crying as you spoke. You felt so stupid asking him to stay but he obliged sitting on the bed taking your hand in his.

"If you want me to stay I will. I'm here Y/N, it's okay."

"BUT IT'S NOT FUCKING OKAY IS IT? I'M NOT ALRIGHT! I'm drowning here Steve."

"The last few days have been tough Y/N, but you are alive, it will get better, in time. She didn't destroy you, you made it out alive."

"No, she has left me broken instead. Maybe I would be better off dead! He's still not been to see me,did you know that? Why does he want nothing to do with me?"

"I think he's struggling to process it too, in his own way." There was no need to ask who 'he' was, Steve knew you meant Bucky.

"But he's meant to be here for me. HE is the father of the baby that I lost, he should be here diving into the misery with me. If he's not going to save me, who is?"

"You will always have me as a friend Y/N, I'm here for you," Steve inwardly winced at the use of friend. He felt your smooth hand in his as he went to stroke the back of it. This was all levels of messed up, it really was supposed to be Bucky here in this room with you not him.

It didn't matter what words left his mouth, you no longer heard them, the sound of your suffering deafening to your own mind. You could feel yourself sinking into a black hole. 

 

Bucky steadied his breathing realizing what shallow nervous intakes of air he was taking in, his heart pounding in his chest. He didn't know what he was going to say, he knew his tongue would not connect to his brain properly to get them out. Communication was not his strong point. Bucky knew how he felt in his heart but the words would tumble out disjointed and wrong. Once they fell out there would be no catching them and putting them back in. He had to be sure he spoke as he intended so worked on calming himself.  His heart spoke of remorse for his lack of support. His heart spoke of his own pain. More importantly it still spoke of the love it felt for you. These last few days had been so painful as he secluded himself from everyone but he just had to see you. His arms craved to hold you once more.

Once reaching your door he stood with hand raised gaining the nerve to knock. That was until he heard voices. A male and a female. You and....yes, of course, Steve. Bucky could just make out his voice murmuring reassurances. Bucky felt the heat rise within him as anger and feelings of betray  simmered. Of course  you would go to Steve. Of course his arms would be there ready, open and waiting for you. Bucky had seen the way he looked at you and he knew you had felt something at some time for the cap. He stormed off back down the hall, the same way he had come. Memories came to Bucky of you and him in that very same bed. Your face as you came beneath him with the moans filling his ears. The sight of you flushed and breathless. He felt sick at the thought of you and Steve in the same position in your bed. It was wrong all wrong, he was supposed to be in that room with you now! And it was all his own god damn fault.

Not sure what he was going to do he grabbed a jacket and headed out. No destination but he had to get out of this tower, get away from you and Steve as he beat himself up for pushing you to him once again. He didn't want you in Steve's arms yet he couldn't seem to keep you in his own.


	59. Clavicle part 59 (You can sin or spend the night all alone)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I've got desperate desires and unadmirable plans  
> My tongue will taste of gin and malicious intent  
> Bring you back to the bar  
> Get you out of the cold  
> A sober, straight face gets you out of your clothes  
> And they're scared that we know  
> All the crimes they'll commit  
> Who they'll kiss before they get home
> 
> I will lie awake  
> Lie for fun and fake the way I hold you  
> Let you fall for every empty word I say
> 
> Barely conscious in the door where you stand  
> Your eyes are fighting sleep while your mouth makes your demands  
> You laugh at every word trying hard to be cute  
> I almost feel sorry for what I'm going to do  
> And your hair smells of smoke  
> Who will cast the first stone?  
> You can sin or spend the night all alone"  
> Brand New -Me Vs. Maradona Vs. Elvis

The neon sign flickered serving as a beacon to Bucky. The building labeled 'bar' providing a place of temporary solace to a troubled mind. Somewhere you went to disappear. To think. To ruminate. To avoid. To hide. Somewhere to help aid the passing of time.

Bucky felt so uneasy and restless not sure what to do with himself. As he sat on a bar stool his knee and foot nervously jittered up and down. He knew he couldn't get drunk yet at this moment he would of welcomed that sweet oblivion with open arms. Perhaps drugs? A dose of heroin that would kill the average man could possibly work. His mind traveled down dark corridors with even darker thoughts considering ways of switching his mind off. Just for one moment he didn't want to think about you.

The women working behind the bar smiled at Bucky politely as she placed the drink of whisky in front of him. Her eyes lingered a little to long, which did not escape Bucky's notice. When she had busied herself with another customer he allowed himself to check her out. Tall, slender, athletic build. Her long dark hair pulled up in a high pony tail. No flesh on show but tight jeans and tight long sleeved top still showed off her body magnificently. She reminded him of someone, Snow. Christ they both looked at him with those same hungry, narrowed eyes. HAD looked at him, Bucky reminded himself mentally, how Snow USE to stare at him. Bucky would never see those crazy eyes again.

Everyone else in the bar ignored him. A few booths occupied by peope talking. Two other lost souls sat at the bar all looking down at their drinks, all avoiding eye contact. Bucky guessed they come to do some forgetting if their own. He ordered a second, a third, a fourth. Each time the women serving him his drink spoke a little more to him. Bucky remained his usual cold and distant self. It was only really you that had seen that other side of him, the side that displayed actual thoughts and feelings. Everyone else saw what Bucky wanted them to see but he couldn't keep it up around you. You made him feel....indescribable. Free? Alive? Real? Could he ever feel free. Well when he held you in his arms, saw the rise and fall of your chest, felt your body heat, smelt your shampoo. That was as free as his heart ever could be. Like he could momentarily forget anything else. The world would melt away.

And there you were again once again on his mind. Like a dog with a bone he could not stop chewing on the memories. He wondered what you were doing right now, with Steve, alone, in your room. You were vulnerable right now and Bucky trusted Steve but with emotions running high mixed with buried longing, he hoped nothing would come of it. That didn't stop his brain from it's paranoia no matter how much he put faith in Steve . The swirling thoughts would not leave him alone. Memories with Steve's face replacing his own. Steve's hand on you, caressing you. His lips locked with you. If it transpired that you and Steve had slept together while still recovering from a pregnancy loss, the thought sickened him. He had once in the past given his permission for you to pursue something with Steve if you so wished but this was very much NOT the time for that.

If none of this had happened, where would you be right now? Laying in bed with Bucky falling asleep on his chest as he traced patterns on your stomach still containing  life? God how he wanted that, wanted you and wanted that baby right now. It had been ripped out from under him before he had a chance to grasp on to it properly. Why were you dangled in front of him like a carrot on a  stick? Allowed a mere taste of happiness but not worthy of anymore. He had done terrible things as the winter soldier, but surely karma would not be cruel enough to include you in his punishment? They were his sins not yours! What kind of god or higher being would allow such suffering for you? No, it was no God, just good ole' Bucky Barnes here to fuck up your day again. In that moment he hated himself more than he ever had before. 

A surge of anger came from no where as it became to much, he had zoned out completely so locked in his own mind that it didn't register the pressure of his hand hold. Letting out a loud, deep, frustrated sigh that border lined a growl, his hand squeezed on the glass in his hand. The pressure cracking the smooth glass slowly until it finally crumbled under the strain of his pent up stress.

"Hey!" Bucky turned to the voice. "You wanna keep drinking then try not to break anything else, okay?"

"Shit," Bucky grumbled as he looked from her cocked eyebrow down to his hand. 

"I'll clean it up, careful, don't want you suing me for some personal injury or something," she was only half joking based on her tone as she grabbed a dustpan and brush. "My names Beth by the way."

"I'm um, Bucky. Sorry for the mess."

"I've not seen you in here before, Bucky. Mostly get regulars in. First time here and you trashin' the place."

"Yeah well, what can I say, got a knack for ruining things."

"So, that's why you came to this dive bar tonight? To forget about something you think you have ruined?"

"Maybe."

"Well, Bucky," Beth lent across the now cleaned up bar staring him intensely in the eyes. "My shift ends soon. Oh actually in about 3 minutes. If you want to do some more forgettin' I'm told I'm good to talk to."

Bucky paused before answering, "Why not?"

Beth poured herself a drink and eyed Bucky while knocking it back. She knew she shouldn't get involved but something about him set off her animal desires, she imagined some type of pheromones being sent out from him alerting fertile women to his presence. He seemed brooding and could be dangerous for all she knew, but something about him, the look in his eyes, screamed of hurt. This guy just wanted to get lost for a while, she had seen the same look before in many a patron. Difference being they weren't built like God himself had carved him out of stone.  Those arms, those thighs. She was curious what was hidden under his clothes based on what she could see. Beth's replacement walked in to the bar and nodded to Beth.

"Well Bucky, I'm just going to grab my jacket now my relief is here. Why don't you meet me outside?" She smiled suggestively at him.

Exiting the bar she found him leaning up against the wall head hanging down. He looked up seeing her appear there with sadness in his eyes that made her want to take him home and look after this poor injured puppy dog. She didn't know who hurt him but whatever it was, it was bad.

"So Bucky," she slowly sauntered up to him and stared at him in the eyes, only about two inches from his face. She licked her lips, tilted her head slightly to the right. Bucky hesitated for a split second before diving in. Hungrily his lips smashed into hers, tongues sloppy as he didn't even care. This was about forgetting not savoring. He picked up the speed feeling the testosterone building. She giggled into his mouth at his needful force. Buck ran his hands from Beth's shoulders down to her hips. He squeezed tight drawing a moan from her as she rocked her pelvis into his. Still grasping her hips Bucky flipped her around to push her up against the wall. There he loomed over her, pressing her into the solid brick not breaking the aggressive kissing. His knee and thigh pressed between her legs. Instant gush of wetness hit her pussy at the new friction.

Beth pushed him off from her, breathless, dizzy, "Hmm fancy coming back to mine, it's not far. Two minute walk tops."

Silently, he pushed back from the building freeing Beth and gestured with a hand for her to show the way. The silence continued as he followed her. He stared at the ground as she kept side sneaking glances at him. Part of her thought maybe she should change her mind. He didn't seem that in to it, yet that kiss...that spoke of passion. No, she wanted to see what would happen.

She hadn't lied about how close she lived. They got to hers before he could change his mind. A dark doorway of a ground floor flat. She pulled a key from her pocket letting them in. Before Bucky could register his actions he found himself literally ripping the clothes off of Beth as she walked backwards towards her bed. Beth was completly naked before him. She put up no protest to his aggressive manner and let him devour her. He nipped and kissed at her lips and neck working on pure instinct, not caring if he left a mark on her smooth flesh. His mind had checked out. It was gone. Bucky Barnes was here in physical form only while his brain was taking a holiday. It was easier that way. He wanted to forget and he could not deny that Beth was attractive. He launched down onto her neck biting and sucking as she fumbled with his belt buckle. He pushed his trousers and boxers down enough to free his straining cock. Aggressively he pushed Beth backwards on to the bed. She let out a smile with a surprised "oh" as she landed on her back. He grabbed her by the ass, a hand on each cheek, eliciting a surprised sqeal from her as he pulled her down the bed. Bucky shoved her knees apart and licked his lips looking at her wet, eager cunt as he remained standing.

Without any foreplay he slid in and pressed down on her knees with each hand to open her up as wide as possible to accommodate him. She let out a moan of half pain half pleasure but gave no indication to stop. Bucky started to buck his hips into her, setting a brutal pace from the get go. His mind went to you. Had you been this wet? This loud? Every time his mind went to you he would snap his hips into her extra hard, almost shoving her up the bed. Bucky didn't even look her in the eyes staring down at the rhythmic action. Had he ignored you in such away? No, with you he had studied each and every facial movement. He had watched your eyes roll back. Watched how you licked your lips and how you bit down on your lower lip. Bucky had lavished every bit of his awareness on you. Fuck! Why was he thinking of you! Only now that was all he could think of. The magic of this stranger he had buried himself in now lifting. 

The position was wrong, he no longer liked it. He pulled out, roughly flipped Beth over on to all fours and slipped it back inside and resumed. The speed was wrong, he slowed down but still snapped his hips when he was deep inside causing her to moan.

Something was still off. The bed, the bed was wrong. Bucky grabbed her to a standing position. A handful of hair he guided her to the wall where he bent her over and fucked her standing up against it. Her face pressed into the wall with a smile while his hand remained entwined in her arm. His free hand slapped her ass once, twice. Her pussy clunched as her body flinched from each strike. Bucky rubbed over the red mark he left before bringing his hand up to strike again.

"Well aren't you a filthy whore? You like that?" Bucky growled. He would never have spoken to you like that. Then again this wasn't you was it? 

"Hmm yes I love it," Beth moaned in response. His hand moved up over her ass and hips. Bucky cupped a tit in his hand feeling it bounce with each hard thrust. Without warning he pinched the erect nipple causing her to sqeek. Her responses failed to stir anything up inside him. 

It wasn't the position or the bed. It was just, it was none of that. Bucky wanted to cum, he wanted to be done with this. Problem was there was nothing wrong with the sex, nothing he could change about Beth. It wasn't the speed, or position, or the bed, it was just the wrong fucking person and he knew it.

Bucky was glad Beth's face was pressed against the wall. She couldn't see as a tear rolled down his face as he went through the motions of fucking her. He stared blankly a head picturing you instead. Another tear spilled out. Bucky wanted to go back to the tower and hold you close. He wanted to wrap his arms around you and smell your hair. This girl even smelt all wrong. Bucky wanted to hear your voice out loud, not just in his head, telling him how much you loved him. What was supposed to be an act of forgetting had become almost taunting. Finally Bucky slumped in relief as he came deep inside of her. He let go of her head freeing it from where he had locked it in place as he slid out.  He pulled up his boxers and his jeans. His eyes fell on red marks he had left on her.

"UM, I'm sorry if I hurt you," his voice timied considering the pace with which he had brutally fucked her.

"Don't be sorry sugar!" Beth giggled  as she regained her breath. "That was amazing. Let me just get dressed, I'll make a coffee to recover."

"Thank you Beth, for your time, but that won't be necessary," Bucky said as he walked out of the room and her apartment casually. He ignored her chasing after him shouting something about his phone number. This was a night he wanted to forget, not repeat.

He wanted to get back to the tower and wash her off of him. His heart felt heavy with guilt and remorse. What would you say if you found out? He was an idiot and he knew it. As he made his way through the building his hands shook. He looked down at them as he pressed the elevator button thinking about where they had been that evening. Fear struck him at the thought of seeing you on the short journey to his room. You would some how know. Some how sense it or smell the scent of sex and betrayal. His heart beat faster until he reached his door and closed it behind him safe from accusing glares.

Quickly Bucky stripped off the clothes he was wearing, instead of putting them to be washed he balled them up and threw them in the bin. Bucky wanted no reminders of this. Stepping into the warm shower he scrubbed at his body hard as if to wash away the sin. When finished he stood with his forehead pressed to the cold tiles as the water cascaded over him. His breath deepened as he went over in his mind how he would tell you he had been with someone else. His broad shoulders shook as be began to cry. He sobbed like he had never sobbed in his entire life as he let out all the pain he felt. There was only one person in the world he wanted to go to right now and that was the one person who it hurt so much to see. It had been days. He had yet to go see you. At first it had been to much to much to see you in the hospital. Now you were out, it had taken all the strength he could muster to go to your room, only to find Steve there. 

What would he even say to you? Sorry our baby we didn't know existed is gone? Sorry I let you get hurt? Sorry I have been too selfish to bury my own pain to see you? He had well and truly let you down and there was no coming back from that. Bucky's head swirled unable to pull himself out of it. He wished he had the power to go back in time but instead he had to live with this guilty conscious and the pain. This was blood staining his hands that could not be washed off his soul.


	60. Clavical part 60 (when love and death embrace)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm in love with you  
> And it's crushing my heart  
> All I want is you  
> To take me into your arms"  
> HIM - when love and death embrace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one broke my heart. I hope you enjoy it.

As the days went by both you and Bucky remained in self imposed solitude, suffering the same darkness. It was the type of darkness that could not be contained. No one wanted to get out from it as it was all consuming. Unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel if your head is encased in concrete on the ground. For you, it escaped out through bouts of crying followed by catatonic zoning out. You retreated inwards.

Bucky retreated out. For Bucky it was spent in the gym, long walks and runs or sparring with Steve. Taking it further and further until Steve refused to train with him anymore. Friendly matches were gaining intensity as Bucky tried to release frustration. Steve started to fear a real injury if he kept it up. Bucky wouldn't talk to him, only wanted to fight him. It seeped out of the both of you into the air. It blanketed the entire building and everyone in it. Everyone could sense it, feel it, and were on edge waiting for someone to snap. 

Before you knew it, it was the day of Tony's charity event. You had lost track of the days not that you would of cared had you even realised. You weren't going to go. Physically you were still very obviously bruised and did not fancy matching a dress to the yellow fading bruises. Mentally, that was in an even more sorry state. As days went on even Nat had come by less and less almost like you were a lost cause and she knew it. Steve had yet to abandon you and deep down part of you knew you should be thank full. Especially since Bucky had yet to come see you. That was what was stringing the pain along. You had heard through Steve that Bucky wasn't fantastic himself, so why had he not come to you. Not even if just for his own selfish need for comfort, rather than to be there for you. 

Fate was going to rub salt on your wounds. The day of the party also coincided with an appointment to check for retained tissue. They were going to ensure every trace of your baby was eradicated. Your hand traced over your belly as you undressed. You did this often as if by some miracle you would feel a bump, a kick. They had got it wrong, your baby was alive and well. Bucky would be by your side the entire time to play happy fucking families. 

Fresh tears mingled with the shower water for the third time that hour. An hour and counting just stood under the running water. It hadn't even crossed your mind to get out as you stepped into the darkness like a well worn coat. You wore it well because it was comfortable and familiar. You knew this darkness like the back of your hand and it became oddly comforting. What did that say about you? You were more comfortable in the darkness than the light. Like you had come back to where you belonged and who you truly were. A daughter of all things that go bump in the night.  

The dark shroud allowed your brain to wallow in the "what ifs". Such as what if it was a boy? You liked the name James Junior. JR. What about a girl? You thought Buck would of liked something traditional, just you didn't want too traditional. You weren't going to give birth to a 90 year old called Winifred or Gertrude. No somethings were a little to retro. Perhaps an Elizabeth? Or a Victoria? Your mother's name as a middle name? Expect what was the point in thinking about it? There was no god damn baby. There never would be. You went full circle over and over, chastising and berating yourself just for your mind to go back to the scenarios. You pictured the sight of Bucky holding a baby in his arms. Bucky rocking Elizabeth in his arms. Bucky bringing you food and drink as she slept on your chest laughing how you were stuck under a sleeping baby. You would not dare move as her sleep was more important than your needs. She would of been a gift of joy and wonder to you and Bucky, and would of been loved so.

Bucky getting excited with you for first Christmas, first birthday. Would there be a wedding? Elizabeth as bridesmaid. Excitedly revealing to Buck there would be a baby number two.  You pictured a cat, or a dog. A large garden and a white picketfence. You day dreamed of the one thing so very much out of your grasp, normalcy. Give you that mundane stay at home mum life and you would be ecstatic. A life you never knew you wanted until it was ripped away.

You had never pictured yourself in an average life and you now doubted you would ever get to experience that. What if you never became a mother? What kind of mother would you make anyway. And Bucky a dad? Fine until he accidentally crushes a babies skull with his metal hand. The thought sickened you but it wouldn't leave your mind. You wouldn't get the chance to redo this pregnancy with Bucky if he wasn't even going to speak to you. Perhaps this was a blessing in disguise. Maybe the baby could sense how fucked up you were and didn't want you as a mother. That baby was never meant to be in the first place. It was a miracle baby not meant for you.

Once as ready as you had the strength to be, you waited in the lobby for your driver. Make up and washing hair had gone out the window. One thing about being abducted and held captive, you never learnt to drive. Once free you lived on the streets then had Joseph and his men who would drive you. You hated how you could of taken public transport but Steve did not see it appropriate. In other words he did not trust you. You refused any company for the appointment and he did not want to risk a very public breakdown on the way there or back. A potentially violent breakdown. Did he think you were going to steal someones baby or something? You didn't consider yourself that far gone, yet.

Your hand felt empty. You couldn't help but feel like something was missing. Bucky. He should of been here at your side. He should be going with you. Supporting you. Instead all you had to grasp was nothing, it came up empty.

Waiting in the lobby you didn't really take in the bustle around you. You were vaguely aware of a women with children trying to bring in suitcases and bags. Really you should of offered to help but it hadn't really registered. You hadn't seen her before, she was a stranger. You heard a child whinging, the other jumping and running about all while the women struggled one handed. She noticed you sat idlly, with arms free and smiled seeing a small soloution to her stress. Marching over to you she had something out reached in her arms.

"Hey, are you..y/n? Sorry I know you don't know me, but Clint has mentioned you! Can you, please? Just for a moment? I am trying to unload all the bags from the taxi on my own." Without waiting she shoved the bundle into your arms.

Slowly, dazed, vacant, you looked down. Two bright, baby blue eyes peered up from you out of the blanket. You took in every detail. The tiny little nose, the dribbly mouth. A hand reached out from the blanket waving at you. Supporting the baby in one arm you moved your free hand to where the baby curled it's warm, chubby little fingers around your finger. Who knew a baby could be so strong? The baby smiled while trying to pull your hand about. You swore your heart stopped beating as time stood still. Finally, you returned a small smile to the baby who gurgled as if pleased to have a response. He felt so solid and warm in your arms. This was what it really felt like to hold a baby. This is what it would of felt like to hold yours. So small so innocent, and so not yours. 

The click clacking of boots failed to pull you from your state of awe. Natasha greeted the children with big hugs then turned and looked at the seated figure.

"Oh no no no no!" Natasha looked panicked as she realised who was holding the baby. She rushed over and sat next to you.

"Y/N, is it okay if I have a hold now?" She spoke softly and gently to you. Handling you delicately. You looked up at Nat with a look Nat could not decipher. Sorrow mixed with a dream like gaze as your eyes looked distant. Slowly you nodded, allowing Nat to reach down and pick him up leaving your arms now feeling light and empty, void. 

Natasha rushed over to the women, her head nodded in your direction as she spoke, "NOT a good idea. I'll explain later. While here keep a distance."

Your driver turned up to wisk you away before you jad a chance to see anymore of the baby. However the waiting room prooved just a torturous. Several women with what looked like their partners and some with mothers waiting on the blue seats. Most of them sporting bumps of various sizes. You were to wait in the same waiting room having lost a baby while these still had theirs.  How cruel, today very much was taunting you. Your eyes fell to the spot next to you. Bucky should of been there. You tried to read a magazine so you didn't have to look at them all but couldn't block out the sounds. They all sounded so happy. A man was stroking his wives bump talking to the baby. A grey haired lady laughed with a younger clone of herself about how awful her own pregnacies had been. Up vomiting all hours of the day and night...just like you had been. But that stopped not long after. The pregnancy hormones easing off with no pregnancy. 

The appointment felt violent and intrusive. You felt like you were being cut open and your insides being displayed as they checked you over. You had chosen to go alone but that didn't make it any easier. You didnt want pity or them to look at you with concern in their eyes. Steve and Nat were handling you with kid gloves, you were like a live bomb about to detonate if knocked. 

The car ride home the driver attemped to speak to you but was met with one word mono tone answers. You imagined and rememberd the weight of Clint's baby in your arms. You were never going to feel that with your own. You would never got the chance. You instructed the driver to stop off at a store. Quickly you jumped out and purchased several bottles of mine. Just one night, you needed just one evening or day where you felt nothing. Could escape. Who knew the drugs from the barn would suddenly seem so appealing?

The rest of the day passed how the others had, alone in your room. The room grew darker as you stared at your television screen not taking any of it in. A knock on the door made you jump and reluctantly you dragged yourself up to answear.

Opening the door you found Steve in a black tuxedo. You couldn't help but notice how perfectly it fitted, highlighting his broad shoulders perfectly. 

"Hey," you meekly greeted him.

"It's not to late to come with me y/n. Thirty minutes until it starts. Nat can help with hair and make up.

"Thanks, but no thanks."

"Are you sure? It will do you some good to have some fun."

"Steve my mother's dead, stop acting like her. I am not going, it's finale." 

"Fine," Steve took a step into your room. "I know how stubborn you can be. Just, are you going to be okay? I'll keep my phone on me at all times if you need anything."

You stepped foreward to Steve who took you into his arms. You felt his warm, solid chest on your cheek.

"If you are here or not it doesn't change anything. I won't be good conpany if you stay. I'll ruin the ball if I go. You. Go have fun. Meet some journalists and do some PR. Maybe even find someone to dance with."

Steve sighed. He was worried, meeting women was the last thing on his mind. He had tried to be your protector best he could be but he couldn't keep your own mind at bay. He was failing you, yet you weren't even his to fail. Steve would of much preferred curling up with you in bed, watching trashy television that buzzed in the background. He longed to feel you fall asleep on his chest. 

"Look y/n, I will leave early, come see you before bed. Honestly if you need me I'm yours." As he bent down to kiss the top of your head he meant that in ways he knew he shouldn't. But he did. He did want you and he would do anything you asked of him. So deeply he had began to fall as each time you found yourself crying in his embrace. 

You tilted your head up and gazed into his eyes. You ignored the strong urge to feel his lips on yours as you let him reluctantly leave your embrace. No one had ever been there for you so unconditionally the way Steve had.

 

While you had forgotten about the party, Bucky hadn't. Bucky had this event engraved in his mind. This was supposed to be what everything was leading up to. He had felt so excited and now he just felt heartbroken. Bucky eyed up his own reflection. His face was shaved, hair had been trimmed, tuxedo designer and expensive, shoes shined and expensive cologne spritzed. Grabbing the bunch of red roses he headed to the same function room as before.

Instead of sitting at the bar, Bucky headed straight to the balcony. He set up camp for the evening ensuring everything was in place. All the lanterns were lit and a glass of wine ready for you when you arrived. If you arrived. Bucky prayed you would meet him there just as originally planned. He hoped, he pleaded, he cried out to any god listening internally. If he had just gone to your room...no. He had to know you felt the same still. He couldn't just say sorry for you to slam the door in his face. He had to know you were ready and would accept his pathetic apologies. 

Bucky ignored any attempts from others to get him to go inside. Anyone brave enough to talk to the brooding solitary figure soon gave up as it went no where. He was there for only one reason and his mind went there. Bucky thought back to the first balcony meeting. He relived the rush of feelings he had felt. It had been so surreal.

Bucky had been shut down, he was closed off then suddenly thoughts and feelings had flooded him with you entering his line if sight. He thought back to how the dress had showed off your clavicles perfectly and drawn his attention to them. He remembered how he later had kissed all over them, over your neck, lower down yo your breasts. If he could only go back and do it all over again.

 

Steve frowned every time he looked out to see Bucky  _still_ there in a futile wait. Bucky was clinging on and going about it the complete wrong way. He just needed to go and talk to you! Every so often Steve would check his phone in case you had sent him a message. You hadn't. He wasn't sure if he was happy of no emergencies or sad because he had no reason to go to you. It hadn't escaped the attention of others particulary the observant Natasha who knew exactly what was going on. She tried to talk to Steve but had been dragged off by Tony to dance. She wanted to warn him of the baby incident earlier in the day. Banner shot daggers across the dance floor the entire song. 

At 10:30 Steve decided he had stayed late enough to excuse himself. Shown his face for long enough to keep everyone happy. Bucky's strange behaviour had been bad enough as it was as well as your absence. Silently and quickly he made his escape while no one was trying to talk to him. He went to your room to see how you were doing. As he knocked on your door there was no response. He waited for five minutes still nothing, giving advanced warning he walked in pleased it find it unlocked. He could of easily broken down the door but was happy he didn't need to. Steve scanned the room. The bed was an empty mess. Clothes strewn everywhere. He frowned to see several knives and daggers on your dressing table, how many more did you have tucked away?

Steve called out failing to get a response. The bathroom door was ajar, hesitantly he slowly opened it and his eyes widened as he realised where you were. Rushing over to the bath tub he started shouting. He accidentally knocked over a couple empty bottles of wine to reach your unconscious form, head dangerously close to slipping below the water . As he shook your shoulders you murmured but refused to wake. Steve reached down into the long cold bath water to pick up your naked form, not caring about his own clothes getting wet. He carried you effortlessly to the bed where he wrapped you in a blanket for warmth. Steve tried not to take in your naked form out of respect but he couldn't help it given he circumstances. God you were stunning. Your soft skin against him. Your breasts perfect as the water dripped over the peaks of them. 

Steve rubbed the blanket over you trying to warm you up. Slowly you woke up slurring your words.

"S-S-Steve?"

"Yeah y/n? I'm here."

"Whatcha doin'? Whyyyy are you wet?"

"You feel asleep having a drunken bath apparently..."

"Oh. Seemed a good idea at the time," you reached up and weakly tugged at his jacket giggling. No doubt how hammered you were. "You should get out of those wet clothes Mr America, my captain, Steveeee."

"Let's get you sorted first. C'mon under the covers. Get into bed." Steve helped you pull the duvet over you and smiled tucking you in. He sat down on the bed kicking his shoes off. He sat himself upright against the headboard, his legs straight ahead on the bed. Drunkenly you cuddled into him. Steve looked down at you in the dim lighting. Your wet hair framed your face. Your eyes lidded as you struggled to remain awake. 

"Hmm I thought I said get out of those clothes," you murmured. Your sleepy voice did something to Steve. It hinted at unsaid domestic fantasies. What if this could be his reality every night? You seductively murmuring to him in bed all sorts of romantic and sexual whispers.

"Fine, but then you go to sleep and in the morning you can tell me what the hell you were playing at with that bath. Why didn't you call me or text if you were drunk?"

"Steve," you smiled up at him. "Turn off dad mode engage friend mode. Tell me off later."

You watched dreamily tucked up in the bed as Steve removed his clothing until he was in just his boxer shorts. His muscles caught the dim light perfectly, every raised muscle illuminated then shadows in all the dips accentuating how big he was. All of it solid muscle. Steve timidly pulled back the covers of the bed settling down beside you. You moved over bridging the gap to snuggle into his solid form. You placed your head on his chest and wrapped your leg over him. Instinctively Steve wrapped an arm around you bringing you in tighter. The blanket you were wrapped in beneath the covers slipped so your bare form pressed into his side. Steve took deep breaths paranoid he could feel the start of a boner forming. It felt so comfortable and relaxed to be like this. Way more natural to the both of you than it should. You stroked your fingers over his chest and stomach tracing patterns over his flesh breaking him out into goosebumps.

Not long later you fell asleep leaving Steve staring up at the ceiling. He wondered how how earth had he got here. He hadn't put up any resistance how easily you had pulled him back in. He had sworn he was done with the mess of you, Bucky and the drama that followed. Yet when push came to shove he couldn't abandon you, especially as Bucky had done so cruelly. No, Steve stood by his women. His women? You never had been and never would be his. Steve fell asleep to the bittersweet sound of your soft breathing and warm naked body against him. He swore to himself he would never hurt you or let you down like Bucky had, no matter what he would be by yourside. Even if it meant picking up the same pieces time and time again. Even if it meant pushing hos own thought and feelings aside. Even if every moment was such sweet torture. For you, Steve would do anything

 

 As the clock ticked by and the function room emptied guest by guest, you never came to the balcony. Finally even all the staff and Avengers had retired for the night. It was just Bucky now and the night as he never left his spot. It was so peaceful it should of brought a sense of calm to him. It didn't, he felt anxious waiting. You could still turn up, right? What if he went to bed and you came here to find it empty. The thoughts ate at him forcing him to remain even when all hope had gone. 

Finally the bitter reality sunk in. You were never going to show. Bucky had remained awake all night in the futile hope to have it dashed across the rocks. Instead of coming here to be with him you were asleep. Entwined in the arms of his his friend. If only Bucky knew...it would of crushed him.

Bucky took one last deep sniff of the flowers in his hands inhaling their deep scent. He stood up, walked to the edge and held them over the edge of the balcony. Bucky watched as they fell through the cold night air taking with them his heart.

 

 

 

 

 


	61. Clavical part 61 (I love you enough to let you go)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Remember all the things we wanted  
> Now all the memories they're haunted  
> We were always meant to say goodbye  
> Even with our face held high  
> It never would have worked out right  
> We were never meant for do or die
> 
> I didn't want us to burn out, I  
> I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop
> 
> I want you to know  
> It doesn't matter  
> Where we take this road  
> But someone's gotta go  
> And I want you to know  
> You couldn't have loved me better  
> But I want you to move on  
> So I'm already gone  
> Looking at you makes it harder  
> But I know that you'll find another  
> Doesn't always make you want to cry  
> It started with the perfect kiss then  
> We could feel the poison set in  
> Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
> 
> Know that I love you so  
> I love you enough to let you go"  
> sleeping at last -already gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Points if you get the Cow Chop/ImmortalHD reference

The television was on but Steve had tuned it out and lost track of the plot. His arm had began to tingle from your warm weight asleep on the limb. Slowly, ever so slowly, he pulled his arm out from under you freeing himself. Steve winced as you let out a deep breath as your head landed on a pillow. Slowly he rose from the bed trying to be silent. Not that he actually minded being trapped on his bed under you one bit. He had become to welcome the evenings you couldn't sleep so sought him out. The past week it had been every single night. First few occasions, like the night of Tony's party it had been out of concern for you that he stayed with you. And it had been the most pleasurable torture for Steve. Your touch, your smell. He was holding you close trying to keep you going off the edge. You were so close to him yet still out of his reach. He had you in his arms but still didn't really have you.

Eventually, his heart got the better of his head. Steve started to seek you out for his own reasons. Steve could see why Bucky had fallen so deeply for you. You were a good listener when you got past your outer layer. You were sympathetic. You offered wise advice, not that you seemed to apply it in your own life. Nothing Steve said made you flinch. Violence and brutality you were accustomed to. Where else would Steve find a girl he could dicuss matters with and not sugar coat details? Your inner layers were rich with hidden warmth and insight if someone got past the prickly outside. 

You looked so peaceful as you slept, something you could not be while awake. Sorrow had become etched into your face permanently. You walked around with glossy eyes as if about to cry any minute all the time. There was no structure to your days, no routine. Your life had hit the pause button while everyone around you had kept going. You had even insisted on attending Snow's funeral as much as Steve had disagreed with your decision. It had only been you, Steve and Bucky. You said you wanted to ensure that "the bitch really was dead". You had eye balled Bucky with disdain the whole time leaving Steve unsure of who to comfort exactly. Piggy in the middle. Except Bucky had stopped talking to anyone. He tried to talk to you at the funeral but Steve had had to intervene as you tried to rip his eye balls out.

You had not forgiven Bucky for leaving you alone after the hotel incident. Now that Bucky wanted to talk, you didn't. To little to late. You made this very clear walking out of the room anytime Bucky entered. You would leave whatever you were doing. Mid coffee you would walk out leaving it to go cold half drank. Once while dishing up your dinner Bucky had walked in. You had looked him in the eye, raised your plate chest level then let it drop to the floor smashing to pieces then exited. You made sure to barge his shoulder on the way out. It worked as well hammering home to Bucky the anger you felt placed directly on him. It was petty of you but truth be told, no one blamed you. The entire building had not forgiven Bucky for bringing Snow here. Professional cleaners could not get her blood out of the kitchen. It had to be redecorated. Repainted, new flooring. Everyone felt sick cooking food in that kitchen with the ghastly crimson stains staring at them. Take out eaten in bedrooms suddenly became popular.

Steve's phone vibrated. A long headache inducing message with some new information Natasha had finally uncovered. And of course it had fallen on him to inform Bucky. Reluctantly leaving the peaceful sleeping form of you, he sought out his equally pained so called best friend. 

Steve gently knocked on the door, secretly hoping there would be no reply. Unfortunately, the door swung open to a bearded, long haired, gloomy Bucky. Bucky silently walked from the door not saying a word. Steve hesitantly followed him, closing the door behind him.

"Hey, how you doing Buck?" Steve's hands were shoved awkwardly in his pockets as he stood feeling uneasy as Bucky sat down on his couch. Steve could still smell you on his clothing as he spoke to Bucky. It felt completely inappropriate and wrong that moments earlier you had been in his embrace and now he was face to face with Bucky. But who exactly did he feel like he was betraying? 

"Fucking fantastic. Never been better." Sarcasm dripped.

"Listen, Nat found something....it's about Snow. Who she was."

Bucky snapped his head Steve, his expression saying "spit it out then."

 "We got a hit on Snow. Her name was Alla Marchant. She went missing from her home at age 13. A small town in Russia. She has a sister and brother still alive. They have been, um, informed."

"Thanks." Bucky coldy replied shutting down any further conversation. Steve awkwardly shifted on his feet as the silence felt thick in the air.

"I guess I will just um, go then. Listen Buck, you did what you could. You did more for her than most would. Even if people aren't exactly thanking you for it here, she passed away with someone on her side. Her family will know someone fought to bring her out of it."

"But it doesn't matter, Snow is dead and gone. I failed her. I failed y/n. I'm just a curse on everyone around me. I think, I think it's time I go."

"Where would you go? And that's not true, you have done so much good here with countless missions."

"I'd go as far away from y/n as I can. So she never has to be reminded by me again. Steve. I didn't know she was pregnant. If I'd known..." Bucky hid a tear by putting his hands to his face. "Our baby is gone Steve. And while she cried about it, I was fucking someone else."

"Excuse me?" Steve seemed surprised by the relevation. "Who?"

"It doesn't matter. It was nobody. Meant nothing. I was just trying to keep myself distracted."

Anger started to rise in Steve, his hands clenched into fists in his pockets. He gritted his teeth talking himself down from an out burst. Steve had to remind himself that Buck was hurting to. It was his loss as well, but still, how could he while Steve had done what he could to support you. Steve was beginning to feel less and less like Bucky deserved to have anything to do with you. It was wrong, but he couldn't help it after hearing of that betrayal.

"Listen, you need to get your head clear Buck. Do whatever it takes to do that. You need to heal as well. Just know I'm taking care of Y/N all I can. I'll make sure she eats. She doesn't go off the deep end. That's all I can do."

Bucky looked up at Steve who was about to head out the door, "You are a good friend Steve. To me. To Y/N. She has to be okay. She has to get through this. Make sure she does? I, I can't be that person."

If Steve was such a good friend, why didn't he feel like one? Perhaps because while talking to his best pal, all he could picture was you waiting for him in his bed. All he could think about was your soft, warm skin pressed against his. How your shampoo smelt when curled up close. All he could think about was touching the love of his best friends life, his friend who was hurting deeply while said friend discussed leaving. If Bucky left would that leave you free? Free for Steve to make his long awaited move. Was he that eager for Bucky to leave he was already planning how he was going to kiss you and open up his soul to you? Yeah, some best friend he was. He was mentally planning on stealing you away at this point. 

Steve went back to enjoy the comfort your presence brought him. Slipping into the bed beside you he pulled the covers up over your shoulder. He had tried not to disturb you but noticed he had failed when you let out a soft little moan and opened your eyes looking into his.

"Shh, go back to sleep," he whispered softly.

"Where did you go?"

"To see Bucky. Nat found out Snow's real identity. Thought he should know."

"How'd he take it?"

Steve sighed. Did he down play it for your sake or was he honest to you? "Buck's not doing that great either. He looked awful. He was, he was talking of leaving..."

"Oh," was all you could muster as you rolled with your back to Steve so he could not see the worry on your face.

The thought of him following through and actually going sent new sadness through you. Just because you couldn't be around him right now didn't mean you wanted him gone. Such was the pain and turmoil of loving and resenting him in such equal measures. Every action carried with it hurt. Why did love have to hurt so much. Shouldn't it be simple? Every new day seemed to bring more complication to your love for Buck.  Maybe you would punish him for a while longer while the pain was so fresh, so raw. You hoped it would settle down to an ache that could be withstood to face Bucky. Him ignoring you, now you ignoring him. It was so childish and you knew it. Both as bad as each other as neither one of you had any kind of coping mechanisms or emotional intelligence. 

* * *

 

Next few days you continued this dancing around contact with Bucky until he cornered you in the kitchen. Your head was bent down focused on a bowel of cereal. Bucky didn't give you a chance to react as he walked towards you standing tall and rigid beside you.

"Y/n...." Bucky stood with his large frame blocking your exit. "Please y/n. talk to me"

His eyes pleaded with you as a look of sorrow washed over his usual stoic face. You tried to slide past him on his left, he moved his bulk to block you, so you tried to get past on the right only for him to slide and block your escape that side to a thick metal arm outstretched rested on the work top hemming you in further. You let out a sigh and closed your eyes as you breathed deeply. Your whole body trembled as you held back tears.

"Please Bucky move," your voice and face mirrored Buck's previous plea but wanted the exact opposite.

"Why won't you talk to me y/n?"

"BECAUSE. Bucky, because, it hurts to look at you right now. You did this!"

"How on earth did I do this? How on earth is this my fault in anyway?!" Bucky snapped his voice full of sudden rage. Bucky felt just as much a victim as you under his self loathing.

"BECAUSE, YOU got me pregnant, then YOU brought HER here for HER to betray YOU. We were just in the way of her little game that was with YOU. She wanted YOU and was willing to take us all down in the process. So YOU got our baby killed. YOU Bucky Barnes brought this down on us."

"You, you don't believe that do you? You don't actually think that?"

You glared at him right in the eye and spoke through gritted teeth, "yes I fucking do. Now, move out of my way."

Buckys heart crumbled in his chest as he stood aside letting you pass in absolute shock. Such hatred filled you like he had never seen before and that terrified him. How was he to know the way things would pan out? He turned around and watched you walking away, he shouted to you but you only paused briefly before continuing your stride "IT WAS MY BABY AS WELL! MY baby. Remember that Y/N 'cos I will never fucking forget the moment I found out."

Tears streamed down your face as you rushed to your room waiting for solitude to break down. You shut the door behind you and slumped down back against it on the floor as tears over whelmed you. You had not meant to be that cruel to him. Hearing him refer to the lost pregnancy as HIS baby brought back to you just what had been torn away. God you would of loved that baby. You would of loved that with life Bucky. 

* * *

Two days of painful reflection on the entire mess (and a therapy session encouraging you), you decided to finally swallow your pride. You would go seek out Bucky and talk. So many things left unsaid, so many questions left unasweared. Enough was enough. Your fits of crying were decreasing in frequency. Time working to take some of the sting out of your pain. 

Knocking on his door nervously chewing your bottom lip, you thought of what you would say. Your stomach began doing flips. No answear so you knocked again. Your eyes fell on a healing wound on your arm. It had began to take on a silvery look from the previous pink, angry tone. Great, one more scar to mark the occassion. One more permanent reminder of something shit.

After there was still no answear you decided to turn the handle and see if it was unlocked. With luck it was. 

"Bucky," you called out in case he was hiding out inside. There was no response. Perhaps he was out running or at the gym. You decided to sit on his bed and wait. Perfect chance to muster your thoughts and plan what to say. Your eyes scanned over the room. Something seemed off. It was very bare and basic so it didn't click at first anything was even gone. His pen and notebook were missing from the bedside table. You knew that when a new memory surfaced he liked to write it down straight away. Make sense of it before it faded.

Standing up you moved to the bathroom gingerly opening the door. Toothbrush gone from next to the sink. Shit. Where ever Bucky had gone it was further away than just the gym. Heading back to the bedroom your eyes scanned over thinking about where he could of gone. Your palms felt sweaty and your heart raced. Your eyes landed to his desk. Two envelopes sat on top. You lifted them up to see Steve written on one and your name scrawled on the other. What was it with Bucky and letters?

You felt the urge to rip it open there and then but fear held you back. This could be bad, and if it was you needed privacy to cry and scream.  You pressed tight, anxious fingers digging in to the paper as you hurried back to your room. You tossed Steve's on to your bedside table then ripped open yours with trembling hands. You sank down on to the bed taking a deep breath before you began to read.

" _Dear Y/N,_

_What can I say to you angel other than I love you and I am sorry for everything._

_I never had any intentions of hurting you yet that is all I seem to do. My love. My angel. You are everything to me. Do you remember our first kiss? It was perfect. But perfect can't help the poison that sunk in to us._

_Memories are all I have now of you but I will cherish them. Even though they are painful knowing you are out of my reach. Being here. In this tower. I have begun to feel haunted by the memories everywhere I go. Seeing you has made it all the more harder. All I've wanted is to go to you and take you into my arms. But my brain wouldn't let me at first and I will always regret that._

_Sometimes I think that we were always meant to say goodbye. Doomed before it really began. That is why someone had to hit the road and go. I made the decision to save you from anymore of my bullshit. If you are reading this I'm gone angel._

_I'm already gone so you have a chance to move on from me. A chance to live. To love. Please live. Go live your life without me holding you back. Tony told me about the charity. Go for it angel._ _I love you enough to let you go. To free yourself of me. You won't have to see me and remember anymore. Move on. Find someone who can love you like you deserve._

_I hope in time you find it in yourself to forgive me to help move on. Hearing how you blame me stings deep. If I had known any of this would happen things would of been different. Please know that. If I could of avoided it I would of. I think I was seeking redemption in Snow. Instead I inflicted more pain. What was taken from you was also snatched away from me. I will always remember what could of been. Please. Fly free._

_Bucky."_

 You were shaking with rage by the time you were finished reading. That fucking asshole. He made it sound like he had done the right thing by running. It wasn't. It was the cowards way out. Bucky had abandoned you for good this time under the guise of setting you free.

You picked up your bedside lamp ripping it from the wall and threw it at your dressing table mirror. It was loud as the glass shattered with such force. You picked up your dressing table chair smashing it across the wall. Your face distorted with rage as you flipped your entire bed over onto its side. 

Shaking you went to your cupboard ripping the doors clean off to reach your left over stash of wine. You didn't hesitate to start gulping it down as tears begane to flow. You sat with your back against your upturned bed sobbing as you read the letter again and again. Bucky was gone. Bucky had abandoned you. Bucky had left you alone now with the haunting memories he spoke of, his ghost filling the room. 

 


	62. Clavical part 62 (lost without you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I swear that I can go on forever again  
> Please let me know that my one bad day will end  
> I will go down as your lover, your friend  
> Give me your lips and with one kiss we begin  
> Are you afraid of being alone  
> Cause I am, I'm lost without you  
> Are you afraid of leaving tonight  
> Cause I am, I'm lost without you
> 
> I'll leave my room open till sunrise for you  
> I'll keep my eyes patiently focused on you  
> Where are you now I can hear footsteps I'm dreaming  
> And if you will, keep me from waking to believe this"  
> Blink 182 - I'm lost without you

The chill of autumn slowly seeped in to the air of your room as the sun set. Each night the chill growing as time passed. Days had now become weeks but the chill wasn't just in the air around you, it was inside of you. Lodged within your bones and spreading deeper and further. Encasing your entire being in the cold like a sheet frost forming. The more it took hold of you the colder the chill. Pulling the blanket tighter around yourself did nothing to keep it at bay.

The tower was very well insulated and heated in the winter then air conditioned in the summer. Nothing about what you felt was caused by the changing of season but it was winter in your soul already. The heat of the bonfire that was Steve helped keep it at bay slightly but the cold had put out the sparks as you pushed the flame away. Quite literally. You found yourself sleeping alone no longer turning to Steve. He felt your cold and felt powerless against it's strong icy blasts. The desertion of the Winter Soldier had brought about this freeze. 

It was hitting you hard. So lost in your mind you were unable to see the depths you had fallen. You tormented yourself daily. Each night you went to bed praying for your bad day to end. You would leave your bedroom door open in a desperate plea for your friend, your lover, to come back. You swore to any deity listening that you could go on if he just returned to you. If in the night he came back, pressed his lips to yours, and with one kiss you could begin again.

Where was he? What was he doing? Was he okay?  What if Hydra had him? His letter to Steve gave no hint, no clue, nothing. Just explaining to Steve he had to get away for everyones sake. The questions were constantly rolling around your brain. The dark anxious days bled into one. You carried out life on auto pilot eager to retreat back to your room alone. Meetings with the FBI and your therapy the only reasons to get dressed. Steve and Nat feared you being brought into the live trial set to go ahead. They were sure you would completly crack. Wrong timing completly. For now it was just video evidence of you being used.

You went out on a couple mission surprisingly drama free but there were concerns about your disregard for personal safety. Concerns you enjoyed the violence slightly more than was healthy as you ran eagerly into fire slicing and dicing. It had been Tony's idea and tensions arose between them when Steve put a hold on you going on any more missions. Steve had to watch in fear and held breaths both missions for you to reappear from behind an enemy line. 

You rolled over half asleep in bed to face the door. You struggled against the pull of sleep as you attempted to keep your eyes trained on the door, just in case he came back. Your body felt heavier as you were reluctantly dragged under. To strong after so many hours awake, but you never slept for long leaving you permenantly exhausted.  You strained to listen as your ears picked up on something. What was that? Foot steps? Bucky? No, you were dreaming. Once again.

You bolted up right eyes wide as a figure stood in your door. Bucky? No...the build was wrong...Tony. What was he doing there. Followed by two more figures. You squinted as the light of the hallway illuminated them. Why were all three of them here?  Had they found something? Someone gently knocked on the door.

"Hey, are you awake?" Steve took the lead stepping foreward as he gently spoke. Nat and Tony awkwardly shifted behind him still in the doorway.

You held yourself up on elbows, "Well, I guess I am now."

"Can we come in y/n?" Nat spoke up this time.

"Sure...I guess."

Tony strolled in and pulled out the chair positioned at your dressing table. Straddling it leg each side as arms rested on top of the back rest. Nat remained in the doorway but slouched against the door frame. Steve gingerly sat on the bed. He placed a hand on top of yours as he looked sympathetically into your eyes. You stomach flipped, what was happening?

"What's going on? Is it Bucky? Any news? Oh god what's happened?" Your voice flipped from defensive to concerned.

"No no no, nothing to do with Bucky," Steve patted your hand. "Thing is, we are here to talk about something else. We are just a bit worried."

"About what?" 

"About you y/n. Have you eaten anything today?" Tony sounded stern. You suddenly felt like a child.

"I, I think so....yes."

"A real meal y/n. Not just coffee and breakfast cereal." Nat stepped into the room and conversation.

"Well, then no..."

"And that's why we are worried. All of us. You don't eat. You don't sleep. On missions you've become...reckless."

"Oh don't even start Steve! Did I get killed, no. Did I get hurt, no. Did anyone else get hurt, no. Did I get behind the enemy lines and get the hard drives, yes. Did I complete the missions. Yes."  You snapped back.

"That's...that's not the point y/n." Steve sounded exasperated.

"What's the point then?"

"The point y/n is you aren't coping." Tony stopped beating around the bush. "We-

"We?" you interrupted Tony.

"Yes me, Cap and Nat. We. We are all worried. Believe it or not we care y/n. We can see things aren't great right now and we understand why. You have been through a lot."

"Listen, we were talking and, well we thought it might be best if you had a sort of holiday." Steve spoke up.

"What, being off missions?"

"No...more holiday from this place. This building. This room."

 "Where exactly am I supposed to go? Not like I have family to stay with." 

"The charity Tony got, it's still yours if you want it, there is a house that comes with it." Nat put foreward. You had still been sitting on that not making a decision either way.

"Bit heavy for this time of night." Glaring up at them you raised your defenses hoping they would leave, it worked.

"Just think about it okay?" Tony got up from the chair and headed towards the door, as he did so he patted Natasha's shoulder. She got the hint and with a sympathetic smile left you alone with Steve. That's how everyone looked at you these days, half hearted sympathetic smiles.

Waiting for their departure you spoke to Steve, "So, is this what you want? You want me to go?"

"It's not like that y/n. I don't want you to go, I don't want you going anymore. I would like you to stay here....with me, with us. But sometimes what you NEED isn't what you want. Please listen to us."

"How is anything going to change by me leaving? Everything will still be FUCKED."

"I think in time perhaps it will become...unfucked." Steve hated saying that word but he liked the smirk it brought to your face hearing him utter it.

"So I'll be dumped there? Even more alone?"

Steve lifted his hand from yours and placed it against your face instead. His thumb gently smoothed across your cheek bone while his fingers delicately entwined into your hair. You stared up into his eyes as they gazed at you softly. Slowly his head came down to your level pausing centimeters from your own. His nose gently grazed yours as he closed his eyes his warm breath on your skin as he exhaled. You could feel the pull to him and licked your lips before instinctively pressing yours against his. As you did so it unleashed the buried desires. 

Steve's fingers dug into your hair and scalp needfully as he passionately set a fast pace of his lips on yours. Your hand snaked up running your own hand through his hair elliciting a small moan from the Cap. Gently he bit down to nibble and pull at your bottom lip drawing a smilar moan from you. Steve smiled into the kiss hearing the sound of enjoyment rather than protest.

Somehow with out breaking the kiss Steve pulled back the bed covers. You were sudenly aware of being dressed in only a vest and panties as he took up position between your legs. They spread open to accommodate his frame. You could feel the pressure teasing you against your pussy as over and over your lips and tongues locked frantically. His right hand placed under your right knee pushed down opening you up as he grinded into you. The friction felt amazing against his cock as it began to strain in his jeans. You dug your hands into his scalp the second time he did it as you whimpered beneath him.

Steve broke away prematurely leaving you wanting more. Swiftly he got up from between your legs to shut your bedroom door. Before you knew it he returned to occupy the space between your legs with his body heat and his mass.  Reigniting the kiss as over and over he grinded into you. Your hips bucked up into his slowly speeding up the rhythm. Hands started to wander gaining confidence and lust.

You welcomed the all consuming burning desire. You welcomed his warmth. You welcomed his flesh. You welcomed the temorary sweet oblivion. There was nothing in the moment but this need as the world melted away around you. You didn't stop and think long about if this would be a good idea or where it would lead.

Steve bit into your neck bringing you back to your body and out of your head as you let out a surpised sharp inhale. You pulled his t-shirt up and Steve broke away long enough to pull it over his head and toss is somewhere unknown. Your finger nails lightly scratched over his back, patterns that trailed down then up again. Over his shoulders, down his arms to his wrists then up again to map out his chest. As your finger tips grazed across that amazing chest of his you felt a gush of wetness unleashed in your panties.

Steve shuddered in pleasure from the light scratches and tickles as it heightened his desire. He longed to rip the vest off of you followed by your panties. Growing too needful of you he allowed a hand to curve down your hip and brush against the front of your panties. It instantly caused a knee jerk reaction and moan as so much teasing caused heightened sensitivity.

"Ohhh fuckkkk...hmmm...." your voice trailed into a moan as Steve continued to gently stroke up and down across your panty clad slit. 

"Language y/n..." Steve smirked. That fucking grin. He knew what he was doing to you and was loving it.

"I'll give you fucking language Steve god damn Rogers. Any swear words are all on you."

"Hmm is that right, let me hear you say it again," Steve whispered in your ear.

Very gently and subtly Steve moved your panties to the side as he continued to kiss you. Very slowly he lightly swiped a finger up and down again this time feeling your slick truly with no fabric keeping it at bay. He moaned into your mouth. This was slowly killing him with want.

"Fuck!" you let out louder this time at his intentional painstakingly slow movements."Steve fucking Rogers. Are you trying to make me explode?"

"Hmm not my intention just yet anyway."

"Steve oh god, oh god, please, I need...something."

"Oh really? You need filling that badly do you?" you bit your lip and nodded in response to him.

Slowly, ever slowly Steve began to slide a finger in. First just up to his nail, then to his first knuckle then slowly until his whole finger was in your throbbing wet pussy. Sliding it out he put the finger to your mouth were you sucked up your own dripping mess. It was the hottest thing Steve had ever seen. His finger slid back into your wetness followed by a second. In and out they slowly pumped before he removed them and fed them to you again. Your tongue lapped at the underside of his fingers catching your own mess before it dripped. Your tongue swirled over his fingers licking them clean. 

"All gone..." you whispered to Steve. 

Without hesitation Steve buried them back deep into you an sped up fucking you with his fingers. It sounded wet and sloppy but you didn't care as you arched your back and bucked your hips onto his fingers. Your nipples had grown so erect Steve could see them peaking in your vest. He couldn't resist it as he slid his fingers out of you and slide them under your vest finding your bud which he gently pinched. You inhaled at the sudden sensation. Steve lifted your vest up over your head to reveal your breasts. Steve thought back to the sight of them wet and shiny from the bath. God would he of loved to fuck you in the shower. See them bounce as he pushed into you hard and fast pounding you again and again. 

As Steve continued to roll and pinch one nipple, his mouth began to lap at the other one. At this point you couldn't help but let your mind wander to Bucky. Although you had actually slept with Bucky you never had this level of foreplay for so long. 

Steve began to kiss from breast down your stomach leaving a saliva trail. Lower and lower he kissed until he got to your panties. Slowly in what seemed to now be typical Steve style he peeled them down, pulling them down your thighs, down your knees then unhooking them from your feet throw them to the side. Somewhere they landed in your room.

Steve kissed the inside crease where pubic area met thigh savouring the moment. Taking in the sight. His tongue slid across the crease then slowly slid to the top of your slit. Down then up again he lapped at your pussy listening to your moans. His hand pressed on your belly in an attempt to keep you still as you wriggled in pleasure. Without warning his tongue dived into you and swirled around. Steve lapped up the mouthful of juices. You tasted amazing. Your hands clenched his hair which spurred him on to start lapping at your clit. You could feel the heat rising deep in you it felt so good. 

Bucky came into your mind again as you remembered him doing similar. Fuck why did he have to enter your brain again. You replayed the orgasm he gave you in your mind wishing for those sensations again.

To distract yourself from thoughts of Bucky you pulled Steve up until he was laying back in between your legs. Your hand reached down and started to rub across Steve's painful erect cock through the denim. Undoing his button and fly you helped him pull his jeans down enough to then pull down his boxers. His raging boner popped out as if it had been waiting for this moment. Your hand swirled around it then gripped tighter. You pumped your hand up and down listening to Steve's ragged breath.

You wriggled down the bed opening up your pelvis as your hand continued up and down. Steve didn't realise what you were doing at first until he felt your wetness on the tip. You were lining yourself up ready, willing and eager for him. More than anything he wanted to thrust deep into you. It took every bit of will power not to just take you there and then and pound you into oblivion.

"Y/N...what are you doing?" 

"What do you think I'm doing?"

"I, um, I don't have any protection. Do you?"

"No just shut up and fuck me. I'm clean."

"Think about this y/n. It's not about transmitting anything more um, pregnancy."

"It's fine I was violated repeatedly with nothing."

"Y/n. No. God I can't believe I'm saying no to you right now. You have no idea how amazing you look right now. But maybe serum sperm is different maybe that's why Bucky could...did...yeah...perhaps it's for the best. I wouldn't want either of us regretting this later on. It is rather....sudden."

You looked into his eyes seeing how serious he was, "Nice, you would regret sleeping with me."

"No I never said that just we aren't in a relationship. Perhaps it's for the best we don't have sex outside of one. Thing's are complicated right now."

"Don't bother Steve, your making it clear you don't want to." You tried to push him away from you causing him to roll off. Steve got up sitting on the edge of the bed and frowned at the mood shift.

"I'm sorry y/n it's not that I don't want to please believe that. Believe me.I want that. I want this. More than you know." Steve sighed feeling the moment well and truly broken. A moment he was going to saviour in his mind.

"If you want to that badly just do it. Not like Bucky is here to do it is he?" 

At the sound of his missing friends name his shoulders slumped and his cock started to become flaccid. How would he explain this if Bucky came back? Sorry your ex was just so hot I couldn't help impregnating her, the baby that was torn away from you gone. The dizzying heights of lust fading away to the reality of the situation.

Swinging your legs to the edge of the bed you intended to go retrive your panties from where ever they had landed. As you stood up Steve gently pulled you down resulting in you sitting in his lap your back against his chest. You lent back letting out a sigh. Steve pressed his lips to your neck, you couldnt help but close your eyes and tilt your head giving him access. 

"Please don't be mad y/n," Steve whispered against your smooth skin. "I won't leave you alone, I promise."

You didn't reply as you melted back against him as he continued kissing your neck and shoulder. As nice as it felt you were mad. Steve may not of been abandoning you but the perceived rejection stung. A familiar sting you felt before at the hands of Bucky "doing the right thing." To hell with morals what was wrong with the men of this building that no one would give in and let their heart lead? Were you doomed to go in circles over and over? History repeating itself. Would Bucky come back to just restart the cycle again? You couldn't take it anymore. Nothing seemed to lead anywhere. You would put an end to it one way or another. The chill seeping back into your body and soul once more.

* * *

 

Bucky stared up at the gloomy ceiling above him. It was dark and stained. Cobwebs everywhere and in desperate need of a repaint. The smell of cigarette smells ingrained in the walls itself. There was a reason for such low rate of rent. As he laid on the lumpy mattress his mind went to you. He pictured you in his mind. Your laugh your smile. He longed to feel you solid and real in his arms. Bucky had no idea you were back at the tower laid out ready and waiting for his best friend.

 


	63. Clavical part 63 ( I'm too far down )

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm down again  
> And I don't know how to tell you  
> But maybe this time I can't come back  
> Because I might be too far down  
> I wish for real  
> That I could turn it on and off  
> Like hot and cold and up and down  
> Because I'm down again  
> I'm too far down  
> I couldn't begin to smile  
> Because I can't even laugh or cry  
> Because I just can't do it  
> If it was so easy to be happy  
> Why am I so down?  
> All I can do is sit and wonder if it's going to end  
> Or if I should just go away forever  
> When I sit and think  
> I wish that I just could die  
> Or let someone else be happy  
> By setting my own self free  
> And you don't want the emotion  
> Because the taste it leaves is for real  
> But nothing's ever real until it's gone  
> And I might be too far down  
> And is this just another thrown away  
> Or is this the end of the whole stupid road  
> But you wouldn't want to know how I feel anyway  
> Because the darkest hole is at the end of the road  
> I'm down again  
> And I guess I'm not the only one who dreams  
> That there's not any way to tell you  
> Because I might be too far down"
> 
> Husker Du - Too far down

Bucky stared up at the gloomy ceiling above him. It was dark and stained. Cobwebs everywhere and in desperate need of a repaint. The smell of cigarette smells ingrained in the walls itself. There was a reason for such low rate of rent. As he laid on the lumpy mattress his mind went to you. He pictured you in his mind. Your laugh your smile. He longed to feel you solid and real in his arms. Bucky had no idea you were back at the tower laid out ready and waiting for his best friend.

Bucky was tired but couldn't sleep, an ever increasing problem for him. Finding work as a doorman to a club hadn't been hard. Cash under the table. No paper trail. He was sure if they were looking for him they could find him. But it meant you or Steve acting solo would have a hard time. Bucky didn't want to be found. His soul already felt lost and his body just caught up. Right now he intended on staying lost. He worked long and unsocial hours with no family or social ties. Kept him occupied but never kept you off his mind. Of course night shifts meant long sleeves and gloves gave less curious glances. Sometimes he would be recognized but as a bouncer that wasn't always a bad thing. It people feared you they were less likely to pick fights.

You were always there at the back of his mind. Like a pleasent dream he couldn't quite fall back into. Reaching down he picked him his cell phone and went to compose a message.

  _"Hey beautiful. How are you today? What have you been doing? I've just done another night time shift. It's getting cold here. This apartment has heating as old as I am. Going to have to start doubling up on blankets soon. I miss you, you know that right? God how I miss you. I gotta remind myself all the time why I left, why I have to stay away. As much as it hurts it's best. I hope you aren't hurting so much now. I fight myself not to go back. How would you react if I turned up? Would you be happy? Or would you be angry at me? I don't think I could stand to see you look at me with anger or sadness anymore. I hope what ever you are doing your smiling. Your always in my heart."_

Bucky finished the message and sighed. He hit save to drafts where it sat unsent in limbo with over 30 others. Everything he longed to say to you poured out in to this phone. He pretended he was talking to you knowing he couldn't really tell you about this new life. Like a diary of love letters in the digital age. Not the same as when he served in the army and men received letters from their love ones. 

What had he done? How could this be the right thing to do when it hurt so much? His heart pumped regret out every second of everyday. A tear slid down his face as he eventually dropped off. Bittersweet dreams came to him of you cradling a baby in your arms greeting you as he came home from work. It wasn't real. It never would be. His minded longed for what never was.

* * *

The chill of Autumn had further set in to the New York air, but now Winter had prematurely descended on you. The bleakness of long nights eating into days, especially as you remained in bed with the curtains shut, destroyed any bit of motivation. 

You didn't think it was possible to feel this way. This was a different type of hopelessness to what was experienced in the barn. There you had come to terms with the likely hood of pain and death. This, this seemed to stretch on with no end in sight. If the barn had been like falling into a deep dark hole, and landing painfully at the bottom, this was like an eternal decent. Constantly falling, tumbling down not knowing where you would land.

All you could do was sit a wonder if it was ever going to end. Oh how easy others made it look to be happy, but you couldn't even begin to smile. If only there was a switch to be flicked, or a tap to be turned to turn it all off. If only you could disappear and set yourself free, and everyone around you. If you could go away forever.

The memories of Tony, Nat, and of course Steve, and their suggestion played over in your mind only fueling this darkness further. If they wanted you gone, that was it you would go. Just not in the way they planned. You were afraid of leaving in such a manner but you felt so lost you just wanted this to end.

In the week you spent trying to talk yourself out of it, you only found more reasons why. The end of the road was coming closer to you and it was the darkest hole yet. It was now the manner in which you would make your exist that took up space at the front of your mind. When you made your final decision it seemed so obvious and easy to put your plan into action. First though, it would be good byes. When you upped and ran back to Joseph you had left no explanation. Bucky had decided to write a letter. Both were the easy way out. No you were going to go do this face to face no business left behind unfinished. 

Pulling back the covers you reached down for your cell phone. You were surprised not only by the time but the date. You hadn't really been keeping track but it still came as a surprise to have lost a few days. You also realised you were naked! Good job no one came knocking as you hadn't even noticed. You grabbed a dressing gown and tied it around yourself. It was 8 am, you could get away with not getting dressed. 

"FRIDAY," you felt stupid talking to the air. "Can you tell me where Wanda is?"

"Wanda is currently in her room," the women's voice instantly replied.

Without any regards to your appearance you made your way to her living quarters. When she answered the knocks to her door her eyes widened at the disheveled state of you. The worst she had seen you at as your hair matted together, eyes red with dark circles, cheeks gaunt and skin washed out.

 "Y/n...are you...alright?" Wanda squinted at you in concern and confusing.

"Yeah I will be, listen," you literally with your hand waved off her concerns dismissively as you spoke fast and agitated. "Just wanted to say something. I'll make it quick. No hard feelings. What happened in the past with um, Bucky. It's the past. I'm glad see you doing whatever it is you are doing with Vision. You've matured and I think he's done you some good. Thanks for the times in the past you were a good friend. I gotta go now though. See you."

You didn't even let her get a word in as you rambled out your, unbeknownst to her, goodbye. You instantly walked off leaving her head peaking round the corner of the door watching your figure go. Next on the list, Nat. You found her in her quarters as well catching her early enough.

"Hey," she answered the door with a smile at you happy to see you actually leave your room. She gestured for you to come in so you stepped in letting her shut the door behind. "How are you doing?"

"Best I'm going to be. I'll be quick Nat! I just wanted to say thank you. Truly thank you. Since I've come here you have been nothing but accommodating and tolerant of me and all the bullshit that follows. More understanding than most would be. I know you don't always believe it about yourself, but you are a good person. You've done good. Thank you. I mean it, thank you. Do you think you have something real with Dr Banner? Bruce?"

"Well I um, yes potentially, yes." Nat had a similar confused expression as Wanda had. You were different and she couldn't put her finger on it despite being such a good read of people. You seemed changed, determined almost. It was a very unexpected and unusual out pour from you.

"Then hold on to him Nat. Make it work. I've messed everything with Buck and Cap. Let love in Nat."

"Y/N-"

"I'm being serious Nat. He is a good man. You have to try to make it work at least."

"Okay...I will?"

"Listen, I have to go this was a fleeting visit. Good bye Nat."

 Tony was next on your agenda who could be found in the kitchen pouring coffee. It seemed as if he had been up all night. Heavy rings under his eyes and grease smeared on his face and white vest as his overalls were rolled down to the waist. Tony had been tinkering away and it wasn't hard to to work out who he had been trying to forget.

You nearly made him jump out of his skin as you silently on bare feet appeared next to him, "Hey, Ironman, pour me one would you?"

"Well I'll pour it alright, all over the god damn floor if you sneak up on me again. Allergic to shoes...or clothes?" Tony raised an eyebrow looking you up and down. "No offense, but you look like shit."

"Yeah you aren't looking so hot yourself sweetheart. Up all night?" You grabbed the cup out of his fingers.

"I tried to sleep. Then an idea came to me. Next thing I knew sun was coming up!"

"Tony, real reason. Pepper?"

Tony sighed, "yeah Pepper. She stormed out of a meeting. You know she actually used the terms 'selfish' and 'asshole'? I, I can't even get a work related meeting to go smoothly at the moment never-mind personal matters."

"Oh Tony, it's obvious how much you love her. You know she loves you to? That's why it hurts her so much when you do what you do. She's not asking you to stop being Ironman, but perhaps tone it down a notch? She's slipping out of your fingers. Hold on to her tight Tony or she will walk away forever and you will be forced to watch. Need to make a sacrifice somewhere? Then do it. For your chance of a future with her in it just god damn do it Tony. Or I'll wring your fucking neck next time we are mutually mopping about the kitchen all hours of the night. Barnes is gone, she isn't."

"You know it pains me to say you are right y/n?"

"Then shut up, don't say it and get on with it."

"What stick got lodged up your ass today?"

"Hilarious. Now shut up and let me talk. That charity. I appreciate it. I really fucking do but I am afraid the answer is no. It means so much you would think of me, and look out for me in that way. But I won't be here to take you up on it. Keep it though and give to it, fund it, whatever. It is such an important issue that get's swept under the rug. You could save a lot more 'mes' that are out there."

"Why, where are you heading to?"

"Just...away. Take care Tony. Go grovel at Peppers feet. She will take you back, she always does, but mean it this time. Promise me."

"Okay kid, when did I start getting advice from you?"

"From now apparently, see you." With cup in hand you headed to your next person of interest. One you had saved for last. The one you didn't want to face, Steve. Conversations had been littered with sad eyes and words left hanging thick in air, laced with silent feelings.

When you reached his room he greeted you with a now familiar mix of concern and confusion at your appearance. Truth be told he was pleased to see you, he always was, and this had been the first time you had gone to seek him out in a while. Stepping aside to let you in, you sat yourself down on his bed. Staring down at your hands you figited playing with skin from around your finger nail. Your heart beat faster and your chest tightened as words failed to come to you as easily as the others. Steve sat next to you and you could feel the heat radiating from him. You weren't even sure the heat was there or just your hyper awareness of him being so close.

Steve ended up breaking the silence with a smile, "Hey."

"Hey you," your hand made itself to his own that rested on his knee. Your fingers grazed his palm lightly to which he responded by grabbing them then interlacing his own with yours. He looked down and smiled at the site of your hand in his. Gently he squeezed.

"Steve," you continued. "Can you tell Sam something."

"Sure y/n,  what is it?"

"Can, can you tell him that um he shouldn't beat himself up. About the hotel. He won't look me in the eye. It wasn't his fault. We know whose fault it is. Nothing he could of done differently."

"Yeah I will let him know if you want me to."

"Steve."

"Y/n."

You let out a sigh, "Steve can you promise me something?"

"Depends what it is?"

"If Bucky comes back or you find him, fix your friendship. Please. You have been through so much and both been there for each other. I came and messed that up. Fix it."

"Well it all depends on Bucky. I would like that but I don't know if it will happen or when."

"Listen to me. You can't give up on him. He needs you. He's alone out there even of it's self imposed. Nothing good has came from me knowing you guys. Don't leave this a mess because of me."

"That's not true y/n," Steve moved closer to you until his thigh touched yours. Reaching up he placed a hand on your cheek then moved to rest his fore head on yours. "You're the good that came from us knowing you."

A tear started to build in your eye and you couldn't blink it back in time as you felt his breath against you. Your lips felt a pull to his. They wanted the warmth he offered. You couldn't do it though. As strong as the lure was you had to resist the love you felt. How easy it would be to fall into his arms right here, right now. But you knew that if you did that there would be no return and you wouldn't see your plan through. You tore yourself away from him, from hope, from warmth. Every moment with Steve a betrayal of Bucky. You stood up pulling your hand from his. He looked up at you with his hopeful eyes.

"Steve, I can't, I just can't do any of this anymore. The guilt eats me up inside you know? No matter what I feel I can't deny Bucky was here first. For both of us."

"I don't see Bucky here right now, do you? He made his choice." A slighy edge of anger seeped into Steve's voice.

"It changes nothing, he was, is your friend. We can't live life on the edge like this. You deserve someone who can give themselves to you fully. I can't Steve. I can't do that. I can't do anything. It's all just shit."

"I don't want someone else Y/N. I want you...."

"Why aren't you listening to me Steve? You can't have me! No one can! I'm to far down I can't come back this time. I just, I gotta get out of this hole Steve...." you started heading to the door scared to look back at his face. You heard him rise from the bed to stand behind you.

"Come back? Where are you going? Away from New York? Taking Tony up on his charity? Is it going to be for good?"

"Something like that Steve, it will be far, far and I won't come back."

"When?" you could hear  his voice falter slightly as you refused to look at him.

"I don't know. Soon. Just forget about me and be happy." Without another word you walked to the door and left refusing just once to look back at him. Steve was forced to watch the back of you as you left in a mix of sadness and confusion. He needed to know where ever you were going you would be safe. Physically you could hold your own, but who would hold you when the shadows crept out at night? When you weeped with sadness? Who would look after your soul if not Steve Rogers.

 


	64. Clavical part 64 (the sun will set for you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I close both locks below the window  
> I close both blinds and turn away  
> Sometimes solutions aren't so simple  
> Sometimes goodbye's the only way, oh  
> And the sun will set for you  
> The sun will set for you  
> And the shadow of the day  
> Will embrace the world in gray  
> And the sun will set for you  
> In cards and flowers on your window  
> Your friends all plead for you to stay  
> Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple  
> Sometimes goodbye's the only way, oh"
> 
> Linkin Park -Shadow of the day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't want to reveal what the trigger is for, but if anything may trigger you caution with this chapter. but I'm sure by now reading this far you must be aware this being a dark story.

Something felt wrong inside you but in a most peculiar and unusual. It was a feeling you struggled to make sense of. You were second guessing the fact you weren't second guessing. After your veiled goodbyes the day before you decided this would be your day to leave.  That was what was so odd. You were sure of your decision, intent on it. Why weren't you talking yourself out of it? Why wasn't fear setting in? Your mood had been lifted and you felt as if you were floating all day long just waiting for your departure that evening. You felt at peace with your decision. Like it was the right path to take and your soul knew it. For the first time your mind, body and soul in synchronization rather than turmoil as to what to think, what to feel, what to do. The feeling was completly alien to you.

You locked your bedroom door to avoid any interruptions or possible deterrents. It would be just like Cap to come knocking to entice you with food. You smiled as you heard the door click. He was a good man, a wonderful man. Kind and caring. Steve deserved happiness that you could not give him. Steve deserved someone who could be devoted to him and love him wholeheartedly. You leaving would hopefully allow him this, this which he did not allow himself while fussing over you. With the recently departed Bucky you hoped the same. Your presence no longer at the tower would no longer be a lure for him to return. Like a mermaid singing her siren song to sailors, only to dash them across the rocks. Or for the men to drag her in by net. No, neither of you could push or pull on each other anymore. 

You moved to your dressing table and lifted the lid of your laptop rested on the wooden surface. Opening up spotify you turned on some music and played it loud. You felt the rhythm pulsing through you adding to your almost euphoric, content mood. You then headed to your closet that still had the ruined doors. Inside the rest of your wine stash which you had secretly added to for a day such as today. It was crudely hidden under a pile of garments. Reaching for a bottle you did not seek a glass as you popped it open and took your first big gulp. You wiped a trickle as it dribbled down your chin with your hand. You looked at the crimson streaked on your flesh. You had seen more blood than most would ever see in a life time. You imagined how it would feel to open up your veins, watch the crimson tide escape, your heart serving to pump it out.

No, you would not escape in such a manner. You longer for peace. Wanted calm. Craved tranquility. After the horrors of your short life did you not deserve this now? A final act of self love to yourself. You just wanted to float out of existence. Swigging more from the bottle you sat back down at the dressing table. The white/blue glow of the laptop screen a stark contrast from the golden setting sun behind you. Your long day finally coming to an end. Your fingers typed away logging onto a cloud storage website. You surprised yourself remembering the username and password, it had been years since you had accessed it. Since before..., well, everything...

Organised titled albums appeared once past the login screen. That had been your mother for you. Everything under control. All your family photos uploaded to this site. Every holiday, every event. Floating in the ether. This was the first time you had looked at the family photos since they were murdered. You could not bring yourself to. You felt so disconnected from that previous life you struggled to connect that identity as you. The events since had changed you to your inner core. Nothing of that 16 year old school girl remind. Yet here she was on the screen. Your eyes looking back at you. Your smile. That girl had been killed that day as well and what remained carved out of pain, nothing but a mere shade of what once had been. You had realized with your sessions with Dr Andrews you never had mourned for your family. Never mourned for yourself. You had separated yourself from that identity. Pushed back many memories and emotions. You had taken on this new darker identity as self protection. After finding a home at the Avengers you never went looking for your family home. You had no idea what had became of family treasures, belongings, your parents back accounts. You left it all behind.

Looking at these faces now you couldn't hold back the tears. They were gone. You were gone. They were never coming back, that could never be you again. To much had happened. You whispered in your head to your mother, your father and your brother taking in each snap shot of a happy family. You were sorry that they died in the dirt while you alone survived. You were sorry you hadn't gone with them that day. You were sorry you could not save them. Survivors guilt weighed heavily on you. If only you had been taken that day along with them. But then you would of never met Steve, who brought you to Bucky. Who had touched your heart and soul in such a way.

Opening up the top left draw of the dressing table you pulled out a blister pack of small white pills. Underneath this two more boxes which had been opened. Three months worth of pills. Popping out the first pill you swallowed it back with wine followed by another. They had been prescribed to you to aid in sleeping, Dr Andrews had no idea you had refused to take them. You hated that heavy clouded feeling they left in your brain. You much preferred the mental clarity even if it meant you reliving torture at night. You looked down at your wrists and rubbed at the silver scar on them. Like a tattoo that you had never got to pick yourself. Etched permanently into you with a story to tell. Few more pills with few more chugs of wine. There was one last goodbye you had to say.

The tears flowed again as the wine took effect on you. You looked down and lifted your thin vest top up. You stared down at your now empty womb still in disbelief that you had ever had life once inside of it. Your fingers traced over the skin. How could something so innocent have found a home in the likes of you.  You spoke out loud addressing your child that had never been given a chance.

"Mummy is sorry I could not protect you. How was I to know you were even there?  I let you down. I failed you. Just know I would of loved you. With every fiber of my being I would of loved you. I don't know what life I could of given you but you would of been so, so loved. Be free my little one, I will be with you again on the other side. Mummy is coming to you baby."

Sobs escaped you violently now. Not in fear of what you were doing but in sadness for everything that you had lost. Everything that had been taken from you. Opening the draw up once again you pulled out the two letters Bucky had written to you. As you took a couple more pills you read over the words. You had never said goodbye to him. He was the one you longed to speak to yet the one it hurt to the most. Turning over one of the letters you picked up a pencil to write on the blank side. In scribbled, intoxicated writing you wrote the words 'I love you Bucky Barnes.' A tear slid down on to the paper. Lifting the well read note to your lips you sealed it with a kiss leaving it on your dressing table next to the open laptop.

Taking the pill packets and another bottle of wine you headed to your bed. You stared out the window knocking back more of each. The setting sun cast a golden glow on your bedroom as your eyes became heavy. You laid on your bed facing the window. You watched as the yellows and oranges mingled in the sky. It was stunning and felt like an omen, a sign. It was your welcome to the heavens above cascading down upon you. You could start a new life at this charity but sometimes new beginnings would be harder. Starting all over a fresh when you were just done. With all of it. With everything. You could be with your family, your child, this way. Clouds began to spread across the dazzling sky as a grey shadow took over your room the light of day dwindling. As the grey encroached on you drawing closer and closer so did the gentle lull of a never ending sleep. A final tear ran down to streak the pillow as your eyes closed, once, twice then finally shutting. The shadows of the day become apart of the shadows of your mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cried writing this :(


	65. Clavicle part 65 (forgive me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I love you just the way you are  
> So don't give up just yet  
> We all know its hard, when its so hard  
> Forgive me, Forgive me"
> 
> Funeral for a friend - 10 scene points for the winner

Good 'ole predictable Steve Rogers. Somehow you just knew. The exact reason you had locked your door to slip away in peace. 9 o'clock in the evening Steve came knocking on your door, tray in hand full of good intentions and warm smiles. Steve had "accidentally" ordered to much pizza. Really, he wanted solid food in you and for you to show your face. The conversation the day before hadn't sat right with him. Far removed from your usual conversations, or at times lack of them. It had been gnawing away at him so for his own peace of mind he wanted to see how you were 

9:05 Steve left the pizza outside your door. Knocks unanswered only met by the sound of loud music.

9:15 pm and Steve went back and had began hammering on the door after still no response. Shouts and bangs echoing through the building unanswered. They grew in volume as Steve became more and more anxious.

9:20 he had began begging and pleading with you to just open up. You didn't have to talk to him, just let him know you were okay.

9:25 pm and now the commotion Steve was causing drew a crowd. Tony was not going to play games today as he raised an armoured hand. Blasting a hole where the handle had once been allowing entry.

9:30 was when Steve rushed into the dark room searching for the light switch on the wall. 9:30 was the moment Steve held your pale, lifeless body in his arms, cradling you, whispering to you to just wake up. His hands trembled feeling for a pulse, he was unsure what he could actually feel or what was just his wishful thinking. Wanda held up the pill packets that were now far lighter as their contents now inside of you. Nat knocked over a wine bottle letting the red escape out onto the carpet as she took a step back with eyes wide in panic.

9:40 was when Tony, in his Ironman suite, wrapped you in a blanket and flew you in his arms through the cold night. Far quicker than calling emergency services waiting for a response or driving to the nearest hospital. No medical staff in the tower to attend to you either. Steve and Natasha raced by car to meet you at the hospital as everyone felt the sense of urgency.

9:55 Tony watched helplessly from the corner allowing the medical staff to rush around in a blur of movement.  Their work expertly choreographed as a team despite the seemingly frantic rush. He answered questions as best he could showing them the medication you had taken. Tony could not fault the speed at which they had rushed you from his arrival at the front desk. Tony was scared. This was one time he was not afraid to admit it. You were completely unresponsive as they shone the light into your eyes. Your complexion drained. It didn't look like you were peacfully sleeping, you looked lifeless.

10:00 pm was when everyone took a collective sigh of relief. Tony was asked to leave as they decided to pump your stomach. He instantly regretted looking back over his shoulder as he left, the sight of a tube being inserted down into your mouth imprinted on him. It looked so...aggressive, violent, invasive, despite the obvious need for the intervention.  It was a dark contrast to the manner in which you calmly slipped away as you watched the sunset. He was secretly glad he had been directed to the waiting room as it was so difficult to watch.

Tony rubbed his temples walking to the waiting area. At the sight of him Steve jumped up from his blue chair with a screech of metal legs on the linoleum and with a panic stricken expression. Nat tried to hold him back from bombarding the stressed looking Tony but was not strong enough.

"What's happening?!" Steve was practically shouting.

"They are working on her. They aren't sure full extent yet. Pumping stomach contents but not sure damage done to internal organs yet."

"But she's alive? Or...?" 

"Yeah, she's alive Steve, she's breathing. Barely."

"Thank fucking Christ...." Nat muttered as she sunk into the chair behind her. Steve collapsed next to her one side, Tony taking the other side. The trio gaining curious looks from on lookers. Iron man, a stressed vest and jogging bottom clad Cap and Black Widow in pajamas. Eventually Tony and Nat headed back to the tower while Steve remained. A sympathetic nurse brought him a cup of coffee as he paced up and down.

Opening up his cell phone he found it had blown up with messages from people such as Wanda, Sam, Nat and Tony all demanding updates as soon as they came through. It weighed heavy on his heart the absence of a certain name from his phone, Bucky. He had no way of contacting his missing friend to inform him. Bucky weather he liked it or not played a part in all this. Played a part in the reasons why you wanted to take your life, even if he did not directly cause it. If he could contact Bucky would you want him to know, would you want him here? Natasha had skills and the know how, Tony the resources. If they wanted to badly enough, they could track down Bucky. If he did let Bucky know would that just be reopening a can of warms? Maybe this wasn't the best time to tell Buck.

It felt like a lifetime before you had been taken to a ward and Steve could see you with your condition now stabilized. However you were on suicide watch which meant a regular check from staff as you lay unconscious. Steve held your hand, rubbing circles on the back of it muttering all sorts to you. From the type of pizza he had tried to bring to you to the type of flowers his mother had liked the best.  You had to know he was there for you. He could not allow you to wake up all alone as you had tried to pass away alone. Steve could not begin to understand how you came to the decision and the guilt ate at him. He knew you were struggling, everyone did. Yet no one knew just how hard it was for you, how bad it had gotten that this was your way of trying to leave. Leave him, leave everyone. 

 

* * *

 

Your eyes blinked reluctant to open. Heavy. Sore. The lighting seemed harsh as you looked up. Deja vous hit you hard at the sight of Captain America slumped in a chair next to you. You had been here before, after the hotel bombing. Similar walls, similar bed, similar chairs. Your body had felt heavy and weak then as it did now. You opened your mouth to let out a pained cry at the realization of what this meant only to be met with agony. Your stomach, throat, mouth, it burned. It was dry and ever so sore. You let out sobs unable to hold them back despite the pain it caused you. You had failed. You were alive, in a hospital, with Steve by your side looking like shit.

Tears ran down your face soaking the pillow. You just wanted to go, why weren't you allowed that one final thing? Your only wish right now and you had been denied it. You had made promises to departed loved ones. Promises you now had inadvertently broke. You had once again failed your baby after telling them you were going to join them. You had longed to hold them in your arms in the after life. You had failed your child in life and now were doing so in death. You were a failure, you couldn't even succeed at killing yourself.

Steve jolted upright alert in his chair, his eyes wide seeing you were awake then frowning instantly taking in your gut wrenching sobbing.

"Hey, it's okay Y/n, it's okay," Steve tried to hold your ashen hand but you yanked it away from him. "C'mon y/n. It's me. I'm here with you."

"You fucking shouldn't be! I shouldn't be here!" Fresh painful sobs burst out.

"I found you in your room, Tony brought you here, you are okay now."

"STEVE! It's not fucking okay! It's not okay one bit! How fucking dare you take away from me what I wanted! Who gave you the fucking right to do that? Why did you save me?"

Two nurses in blue scrubs rushed in hearing your shouts from the hallway, ushering Steve out. You continued shouting at him, "it's not okay! You should of let me go Steve! It's what I fucking wanted!

"Forgive me y/n, forgive me...." Steve's begs were drowned out as the door fell shut behind him. His eyes trained on you until he could no longer see your distraught face.

 

* * *

 

Three days of test and questions. Three days of refusing to see anyone apart from medical personnel. Three days of old balding white men declaring you, once again, a miracle. You should of not survived that over dose, but your body seemed to slow it all down and tolerate the medication. Liver and kidney test came back clear of damage. No hint or sign of the ordeal you had put your body through as it kept you going once again through one more trauma. Three days of being told you were very, very lucky. So why didn't you feel lucky? Because once again a decision had been taken from you. Once again denied free will and control of your life. Saved against your own will. You looked completely healthy and fine apart from your the sadness in your eyes giving you away. 

Being released from the hospital worked out to be extremely difficult. They wanted you to go somewhere, you weren't really listening to where. You had been locked up before, you weren't about to again no matter how they dressed it up. You were suicidal but not deranged. You were no danger to anyone but yourself. Lying your way through questions got you far. You were sure Tony and Steve had been having words about your release as you were told you were allowed to leave the hospital. Perhaps Tony had flashed cash name dropping care he could pay to provide for you? Free to go but under the condition your were under stricter care from Dr Andrews. If it meant getting out of here and the god awful food, you could accept that. She was a nice women filled with good intentions but could not see you were to far gone. You had to want to be saved to heal.

 You perched on the edge of the white bed awaiting your ride out of here. You had no idea who was to collect you. Happy maybe? Or Tony? Anyone but Steve, please god anyone but him. You didn't want to face him as anger at him still surged. Maybe it would be some faceless driver you had never met so you could drive back in silence.

You looked up hearing the door home. Steve. Of course it fucking was.

"Hey," Steve cocked his eyebrow at you. "Ready to go?"

Silently you glared at him throwing your weekend bag at him to catch. Someone had brought you clothes and books, you weren't actually sure who as you refused to see them. You pushed yourself off the edge of the bed and begrudgingly followed after the Caps large frame.

"Fucking dorito," you whispered under your breath.

"Huh?" Steve wasn't sure you spoke at all.

"Dorito. You have shoulder to waist ratio of a god damn dorito."

"Really? Best insult you, the queen of sarcasm, can muster? You can do better y/n."

"Move your dorito ass Rogers. I want out of here."

"Well, do I at least look like a tasty dorito?"

"Ask those nurses back there, they thought you were a tasty snack." You couldn't help but smile at the stupidity of the conversation. Steve caught a glimpse of the smile he had been waiting to see. He had been longing to see.

You entered the car in silence, refusing to even look at him. Every so often he would steal glances in your direction. He watched you gaze out the window. He watched how your hair fell infront of your face. His eyes traveled to your kissable lips. They beckoned to Steve, calling him, taunting him. Steve had to force himself to concentrate on the road ahead and the silence hung in the air. Heavy and thick with unsaid words. He let out a sigh as he pushed it all down somewhere deep.

"Steve..." You turned to him puzzled. "I don't know this area."

Steve met you with silence focusing on the road.

"Where are we going dorito? I'm not joking, where are we going?" Your voice laced with anger and frustartion at his lack of response. Something was wrong. This went further out of the city, not to the tower. "Where are fucking taking me Rogers?!"

"Somewhere safe. Home."

"What are you talking about?"

"We all spoke about it again, the tower is obviously not a good place for you. Taking you away from there."

"You want me gone Rogers? Well I tried to go! You stopped me!"

"No y/n, we want you safe, not gone. We are doing this because we care about you."

"Oh, not this again. That god damn charity? I thought I told Tony..."

"Y/n, it has access to mental health support, there is a house for you, bills all paid for. Please Y/N. Let's just go look at it."

Eventually the car slowed down as you drove past some houses all with identical white picket fences and porches. Steve stopped at a house that had overgrown weeds out the front but had been painted blue. You inhaled at the sight. This was it. This was to be your home? This was everything you could of wished of to have raised your child with Bucky. But you had the dream house minus the child and boyfriend. It reminded you of your childhood home. The mother fucking American stereotype. Steve got out and walked round to open the door for you seeing the reluctance in your face. Slowly you followed him up the path to the quaint front door. Reaching into his jeans pocket Steve pulled out a key to unlock the door. You closed your eyes only opening them again when Steve told you to go in.

You opened your eyes and looked into the door way, slowly one step at a time you walked in. It was clean, you had expected dirt and dust but no, the furniture was new, clean and matched. It was surprisingly large and homely. You walked into the living area, your hands trailing as it felt the fabric of the couch. A large wooden stair case disappeared upstairs. Walking through you were met with a large open plan dining area and kitchen. You picked up a chicken ornament that had been left on a set of shelves pushed up against a wall. Was this cute or tacky? You could not decide. 

"Home sweet fucking home." You mumbled feeling defeated.

"What do you think? They have cleaners weekly. All your stuff is upstairs and the fridge is stocked with food. A gardener has been booked. He will do whatever you want to the outside. You name the flowers, he will plant them." Steve smiled hopefully.

You felt your legs buckle under you all of this to much to take. Steve rushed over catching you before you could land on your knees.

"I have you y/n. Let's sit you down then I will leave you to get use to it." Steve guided you to a dining room chair.

"Steve...I'm fucking scared. Don't leave me alone." Tears ran down your face as you reluctantly admitted how you really felt underneath your brave front.

The rest of the afternoon seemed a blur. Mindless television to pass the time as Steve made you coffee and cooked dinner. None of it had sunk in. It felt so alien this place but it had a sense of calm to it. Could you really make this your home? Or were you doomed to fuck this up to like you did everything. The dark set in and Steve shut the curtains of the house as you sprawled on the couch. Slowly your eyes became heavy and it became to hard to keep them open. You inadvertently gave into to sleep as the soft glow of the T.V. bathed you in the warm light.

Steve picked you up easily in his strong arms to carry you to to the bedroom. Making sure he didn't bump you on the way, he looked down to see you instinctively cuddling into this chest. The most at peace you had looked in a long time. Reaching the master bedroom Steve attempted to place you down without waking you. Your eyes slowly fluttered open as your head made contact with the pillow.

"Sleepy head, get some rest" he whispered at you in the dark standing up straight.

Your hand snapped lightening quick to his wrist clenching it tight, "Steve thank you."

"It's okay y/n just sleep." Your hands tightened as he tried to pull away. You pulled him back down to your level, causing him to sit on the bed. Your hand traveled up his arm until it found his face. Your fingers traced over his jaw, across his lips to rest on his cheek. He turned his head to gently kissed your finger tips.

"Don't leave me alone Steve...."

"I won't. I'm here." He lent forward and pressed his lips to your forehead in a chaste kiss.

"What am I going to do Steve...I don't know how to do this...this isn't what I wanted."

"I know it's hard Y/N. You think you have more behind you than in front of you, but you have so much a head you just don't see it. Don't give up just yet."

"I have nothing Steve. I'm a mess"

"You have me. You have Nat. You have Tony. You have Wanda. You have people. I love you y/n, just the way you are, even if you are a mess, even if you call me a dorito."

"I'm still mad at you dorito."

"I hope you can forgive me. We just wanted you to live, because we care."

"Some days this life feels more like a punishment, a curse, than something to be joyful about."

"Those days it gets hard then call me. I'll be here. Get some sleep now."

"Dorito ass, don't go...." Your voice and bottom lip quivered betraying your emotions.

Steve sighed at what he was about to do. Pulling back the covers, he kicked off his shoes, then crawled into the bed next to you. He covered the both of you up in the sheets as you snuggled into his side. The two of you had shared a bed before, that wasn't new, but this time there was something needful in the way you sought out his warmth. Instinctively he pulled you close as he wrapped an arm around you and your head rested on his chest. In silence he listened and held you close as you cried into the dark. You needed someone and you couldn't be left alone. That is what Steve kept telling himself at the act of intimacy. Why did loving you have to be so damn complicated and hard? No matter how he felt, he was going to get you through this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have zero knowledge on overdoses and treatment or treatment of mental health and procedures in America. Sorry if i ballsed it all up. Just made it all up to fit in with the story so I apologise it it bothers anyone the inaccuracy!


	66. Clavicle Part 66 (I hope you're happy even if you're not mine)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And now I'm standing here and looking at you  
> I wonder what the hell you're gonna do  
> With those Dr. Pepper eyes and you bubble gum hair  
> Yeah, I'm standing right here  
> I remember how I held you so right  
> I remember that Saturday night, do you?  
> There will be days when you're falling down  
> There will be days when you're inside out  
> There will be days when you fall apart  
> Someone else will break you heart  
> They're never gonna hold you back  
> I'm always gonna have your back  
> So try to remember that  
> I hope you're happy  
> I hope you're good  
> I hope you get what you wish for  
> And you're well understood  
> And whatever your progress  
> I know you'll be fine  
> Because I hope you're happy  
> Even if you're not mine  
> I remember when the world was ours to take  
> I remember you next to me  
> I remember you with every breath I take  
> You'll always have a piece of me  
> I remember, yeah  
> Try to remember that  
> I remember every word that we spoke  
> You right here next to me  
> I remember how we tried and we tried  
> I remember everything"  
> Blue October - I Hope You're Happy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love this song it fits really well in my mind for this chapter!

6 months later

 The bell attached to the wooden door frame jingled as Bucky's large frame made it's way through. He entered the busy diner and made his way to the furthest corner. A small table with two chairs tucked up against the back wall. It was a squeeze even for two with just coffees so normally ended up being unoccupied. This was fine for Bucky, as it had become his unofficial spot the regulars would sometimes even save it for him. Buck would nod in thanks but that was pretty much all anyone got from him. After finishing a night shit he would head here as it was close to his run down apartment. It wasn't fancy but it was good home cooked food that gave great value for money. As others were heading to start work he was about to head home ending his night of work. 

The short, plump middle aged waitress was also the owner along with her husband. Dawn her name was, she meant well and would talk and talk and talk. She liked to tell Bucky if he shaved he would find a girl, or cut his hair, or didn't work long nights, or actually smiled. She tried to set him up with her niece but Bucky declined. Dawn would not take it when he stated simply he was not interested, there had only ever been one girl for him and now she was not his. No one else could come close. He still remembered everything so clearly and was truly stuck in the past.

Pulling out his chair Dawn came with a cup of coffee and placed it down in front of him before rushing off to greet someone else.

"Hey," Bucky called after her while raising a newspaper he found on the table. "This belong to someone?"

"Beats me, read it and leave it for the next person," she shrugged her shoulders slightly as she responded.

Bucky settled further back in the chair raising the cup of steaming coffee to his lips.  After placing it down on the table he picked up the paper and skim read the headlines. Usual rubbish, nothing had changed in all these years. Politicians campaigns, crime, gossip, public outcry to a new road or new building being erected. His eyes skimmed past a story on some vigilante known as Luke Cage until his eyes fell on something that made his heart skip a beat. There you were. A photo of you, smiling, looking happy. To one side of you stood Tony and the other Steve as you shook hands with someone generic man in a suite who was probably important in someway. He instantly read the caption and headline eager to hear news of you and what you were doing. Why were Steve and Tony beside you? Not Nat and Wanda? A hint of jealousy stabbed at him as the idea formed that perhaps you were involved with one of them. You did look happy so if you were then they must be doing something right. Something he couldn't. Bucky truly wished that it was not a fake smile, he wanted to see you happy and thriving, not the shadow of a person he had last seen. 

Bucky read how you were being given an award and additional funding. It seems in the last half a year you had been incredibly busy working for a charity known as 'Freedom', it had the slogan 'Freedom for all' and worked to help end sex slavery and trafficking. A branch of the charity was being opened in another state with plans for going international soon. Numbers were quoted of how many people had been rescued from captivity and supported rebuilding their lives thanks to the work of this charity. Buck smirked reading how you had made a rather high number of citizens arrests in the city alone as well as the state. Apparently you weren't just a face of a campaign to bring awareness, you were out there, literally fighting to free women, children as well as men. He felt pride in his chest that you had accomplished this. Someone he had once held so dear to him, someone so broken, had risen above it all to become this beacon of hope. He sighed thinking how truly special you were. How under your darkness there was so much good in you, and it seemed you had finally found a way to tap into it, to channel it, not let the hate tear you down. Then again Bucky Barnes had no idea just how far down you had sunk, making this climb to glory even more of an outstanding achievement. Bucky had no knowledge of your suicide attempt.

Seeing your face once more, the past called to him, familiar, inviting, whispering in his ear ideas of returning home. Would he be welcomed by you? By Steve? By anyone? Was that even still a home to him? He tried to ignore the ideas reverberating around his brain to avoid getting his hopes up of any kind. Being realistic, did any of you ever want to lay eyes on him again? He could hardly stand to stare at himself in the mirror and would hate to see that same loathing reflected in someone else's eyes once more.

 

* * *

 

You stared into the bathroom mirror, you took deep exaggerated breaths your mouth forming an 'O' shape as you repeated mantras in your head exhaling. It would be fine. You had spoken in front of larger crowds than this before. Still, for someone who shunned the spotlight it made you squirm when all eyes would be trained on you as they were about to be. Tony had thrown this very extravagant, very Tony like party in your honor after all. One last bash at the tower and the Avengers would be moving to the new headquarters for good. Not that you lived there having remained at the house since the day Steve had taken you there from the hospital. 

Nat burst in making you jump, "Y/N!"

"SHIT! You made me jump."

"Sorry, Tony said he is ready for you to make a speech now if you are.

"Ready as I'll ever be, tell him I'll be right out," you smiled at her making eye contact in the reflection as you smoothed down your clothes. You had still to adjust to the level of dressing now expected of you at formal events. Sometimes you felt like a child dressing up in their mothers clothes, but it was real. That really was you in the mirror now a healthy weight, shadows gone from your eyes replaced with a twinkle and a healthy glow of your skin. Your hair had grown thick and long. Nails no longer brittle. You were transformed, rejuvenated. 

Heading out of the toilets you made your way to where Tony had a microphone set up in front of the band. He signaled for the band to stop playing and called out for everyone to listen. Tony smiled at you handing you a drink as you made your way up him. You felt every single eye, silent and watching you. You started to speak into the microphone, nervous at first but your voice gaining in confidence.

"Hey everybody. Thank you for coming here today, and thank you for supporting this life changing charity. Every single dollar you donate helps those that do not have voice. We will be their voice when they have none. We will be their saviors when they think no hope remains. We will be the light shining through the darkness. I want to say a huge thank to the one and only Tony Stark for making this possible. This means everything to me. He has given me a future when I missed out on my past. When I was 16 I had my life ripped away from me. I was taken and my family murdered before my eyes. Taken to a barn where I was to live in what can only be described as hell. Many girls came and went. None left that barn. Once you went to the barn that was it, no return. I left that barn. I brought down that barn. I will fight to tear down every barn. For every girl who has ever been in a barn. For every girl who died in a barn. We will offer help and seek justice. For every man, women or child in the hands of sex traffickers I say hold on. Survive. Because when everything is out of your control that is all you can do. I have been one of the voiceless, and now I have my voice I say to the victims and the traffickers 'I am coming for you and there is no stopping me'. Just wait, as we ARE coming."

A tear trickled down your face as you raised your glass at the end of the speech. The entire room let out a cheer, you could feel the energy of the crowd. So many in this room had helped this c one way or another. Be it financial backing or the likes of Nat helping you bring down guys twice your size, literally. You walked through the crowd heading to the double doors and out to the balcony. Your balcony. The balcony. As you made your way people stopped to pat you on the shoulder, to congratulate you. One women in particular held your hand tightly, the very first person you had personally rescued. She had been sold into servitude by her pimp to a rich man and women. All manors of horror inflicted in the wince cellar of a huge mansion with the social elite just above her. Videos and photos posted on the internet made it hard, but not impossible to find her. You had been the one to sever the handcuffs and reach out a hand of hope to her. She now had a job within the charity and access to mental health support provided by the charity. Dr Andrews even volunteered a day a week for you helping these victims. 

The fresh spring air seemed welcoming from the heavy crowd. You inhaled as the breeze swept by. You looked across the city wondering yourself how many others in New York alone were still out there being subjected to horrific abuse. You felt sick knowing they were out there, crying out for help when none came. Your work had just begun and you had dedicated yourself to it entirely. It had become your only focus in life now putting in long hours of work. You would do anything/everything. Sometimes you just sat at support groups sharing your story and advice, sometimes your phone would ring in the night from the police asking if you could offer shelter to someone, hell you even cleaned the office when the cleaners called in sick if needs must. 

Such levels of dedication hadn't come naturally straight away. A week after moving into the charity accommodation you started work as Steve focused on just getting you to eat and go for a daily walk. Steve had been such a pillar of support and love but fate intervened. Steve after three weeks got called out on official Avengers business. A month he was gone and on his return the hole he had left in your life had been filled with work. You often thought to yourself what would of happened if he had never of left? Would the bridge have been crossed and a formal relationship formed? Or would that have gone to hell like it did with Bucky? Working didn't give you time to think or dwell as you worked days on end without a break. Maybe not healthy but much healthier than the suicidal mood that had previously clung to you. Without Steve to cling to,you had to hold onto something. Steve remained a close friend but some unspoken barrier had gone up in his absence and over time you both were so busy you saw each other less and less. You knew if you ever needed him he would be there to support you though best he could, as a friend. Gone were the nights of being tucked up in his arms in bed and now it was light conversation held over coffee.

The breeze brought something your way, an aroma you couldn't quite place. It was familiar to your senses and reminded you of something....lazy afternoons, mindless films, junk food....and warmth. A hand on your shoulder made you jump bringing you out of your searching mind.

"Bucky! I didn't know you were there! Jesus you made me jump! What on earth are you doing here?!" Your initial surprise made your tone hard to read. Bucky proceded with caution.

"I um, just wanted to congratulate you. I saw you in the newspaper, and I heard your speech just now. You have done amazing." Bucky watched you, taking in every bit of you. You leant against the balcony railings as the sun shone down on you. He watched how your hair shone catching the light. How you licked your lips causing them to shine. You looked so at ease and calm. You looked radiant. Like an angel. He had missed you so much and here you were, everything he remembered and more.

"Thank you! Taken a lot of time and work but it's something. Well for last few months, it's been, everything."

"So, are you um free to talk. I understand if you need to go inside you are lady of the hour. I also understand if my presence isn't welcome. I can um, go."

"No Buck. It's okay. Stay. Talk. It's been a long time." You moved to sit on a chair drink in hand. Bucky followed your lead leaning his large frame back. He looked stiff and awkward, nervous.

"You look good y/n. This life suites you. It must be doing something for you. Unless there is something else, or someone who's helped?"

"Are you asking if I'm single? Not that is any of your business Barnes." Who was he to start questioning you after being the one to up and leave?

"Yeah okay I'll stay out if it then y/n. Just wondering what life at the tower is like for you these days. I was just wanting to know you are okay."

"Okay, a) I'm single. B) I'm not at the tower anymore."

"Oh?" His face didn't hide the surprise you weren't living here anymore. He had just assumed you and Steve....and this place.

"After that um last hospital trip they made me leave the tower. Get some space."

Bucky turned to you quickly with concern etched into his face and tone of voice, "What hospital trip?!"

"After I....,Christ, you don't know do you? Hard to say it....but.... I tried to kill myself."

Buck's hand instantly reached out and grabbed yours taking you by surprise. To you it was such old news by now with so much going on.

"My god y/n. Nobody told me. I feel sick knowing that happened...and I wasn't there."

"Well after, Steve took me to live in the house that came with the charity. They took me away to a fresh start. Don't tell them I said this, pains me to admit it, but they were right." You smirked reluctantly admitting it. 

"I hope after everything y/n you can be happy. You deserve that. I hope you get everything you wish for. I just wanted to see it for myself." All the old memories came rushing to him. He never made you this happy. You never looked this vibrant and radiant by his side. The both of you sat in silence for a minute. You sipped your drink while eyeing Bucky up from the side, his eyes getting lost in memories. He looked rough to be honest. Clothes seemed disheveled and their was a distance to him. Like he wasn't fully awake.

Finally you broke the silence, "Some days are still harder than some though. Not everything is golden ya know?"

"Yeah...well there's a lot of bad history to pick from, for both of us. I'm sorry for everything I ever did to hurt you. I'm sorry I upped and went. Selfish I know but I was struggling as well."

"I know that now Barnes. At the time I didn't though. I was hurt, angry, lost. I didn't ever hear a word from you. Nothing saying you were okay."

"Even though you aren't mine anymore y/n I just wanted what's best for you. I thought me gone was that. I've thought about you though. Wondering what you were doing...who you were with..."

You squeezed his hand, "Nobody. I've been with nobody."

"Well, one day somebody else is going to break your heart. Someone other than me. They aren't going to hold you back though. You are such a fighter y/n. If it helps...if you ever need anything...I'll always have your back."

"Thank you Buck, I appreciate it." The way the name Buck just rolled off your tongue so naturally hit you hard with nostalgia. Now you were here sat with him, after all this time, what was there to say? Everything, yet nothing at all. You had nothing to say to him. He was a painful reminder, a ghost that had manifested before you. Yet your heart longed to spill it's guts to him. Even after this time apart you felt the pull of him.

With a heavy heart Bucky pulled his hand away from yours. He let out a half smile as he stood up from the chair. You rose with him standing face to face.

"It's gettin on, your party guests are probably wanting a piece of you and I'm out here hogging you all to myself."

"Don't be sorry Buck," your right hand reached up to cup his stubbly cheek. It felt like eternity as you gazed into each others eyes. Both feeling the pull but also the fear making you want to retreat. "Thank you for coming by. I'm glad you are safe Bucky, I mean that."

A voice startled you making you pull your hand away.

"Hey, Y/N, you're wanted in here," Steve appeared at the balcony doors with an obvious look of shock and anger seeing who was there. He kept eye balling Bucky over his shoulder as he went inside. He couldn't believe the audacity of Bucky to reappear today of all days. This was a celebration for you not a painful walk down memory lane.

"I better get going, I'll see you later Bucky," and with a smile you started to walk to the door.

Bucky called out to you before you disappeared inside, "If you ever need me y/n call me. Anytime. Just, be happy."

You turned around one last sweet smile at him over your shoulder and it was like time stopped for the both of you. He watched you slowly get swallowed up by the crowd. You were gone, lost to him. You were a sweet and painful memory that still consumed him but that was all you ever would be now. Now that you had found your place, where you truly belonged, you were like a beautiful butterfly transformed but just out of his reach, where you would remain.The pain crushed his heart, tore at his soul. His mind though saw the radiance that you now emitted and knew it was for the best.

Steve hurried you along as you struggled to get a final glimpse of the man that you would always hold a place in your heart for. His appearance had been unexpected and had stirred up those buried emotions. Bucky Barnes would always be your first love, no amount of time could change that. Inside of you memories would stay with you a life time. The memories of the man who for good or bad, woke you up from your numb existence. The man who brought with him cascades of emotions with such strength you had never know possible. You doubted in a million lifetimes you would ever experience anything like it again. You had to walk away that moment as your present pulled you away from the past, into the adoring arms of the crowd. The adoring arms of this hope you had built for others from pain. The arms of a new life. The awaiting arms of your future. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So close to the end now guys! After this chapter you get to pick your own ending or read all possible endings! They won't be published at once so may have to keep a look out if there is one in particular you want.  
> They are as follows-  
> Authors ending - will be linking into to Infinity War
> 
> Happy Bucky ending - we get what we call first came for
> 
> Happy Steve ending - maybe not the love interest I originally planned but somehow satisfying to me after all this mess. He has been picking up the pieces from the start.
> 
> Sad ending - Wouldn't be me without heartbreak.....why would I allow the reader to live happily ever after when I found away to ruin her life one last shocking twist of fate way?


	67. Clavicle part 67 (author's ending-Wakanda forever)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "'Cause I'm telling you you're all I need  
> I promise you you're all I see  
> 'Cause I'm telling you you're all I need  
> I'll never leave  
> So you can drag me through hell  
> If it meant I could hold your hand  
> I will follow you 'cause I'm under your spell  
> And you can throw me to the flames  
> I will follow you, I will follow you  
> Come sink into me and let me breathe you in  
> I'll be your gravity, you be my oxygen  
> So dig two graves 'cause when you die  
> I swear I'll be leaving by your side"
> 
> Bring me the horizon - follow you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based around infinity war - spoiler warning  
> This is it. The end of this huge long saga. Sorry / not sorry for the length of this chapter.  
> You can read this or you can skip and wait for the ending you would prefer. This is MY ending. There will still behappy Bucky, happy Steve and a sad ending yet.

The chatter of fellow dinners in the busy restaurant came at you from all angles. You focused on pushing your food about the plate, picking at it more than actually eating it. The noise adding to the nervousness you felt churning your stomach. Sat in an unfamiliar restaurant, in an unfamiliar situation and in unfamiliar clothes. You had even been convinced to to get a manicure for the occasion. The voice of your companion forced you to raise your gaze from your over priced meal.

"Pardon?" You smiled apologetically having not heard him.

"I asked, how long you have been at the charity and how did you start there?" 

"Oh well it's been about a year now? It's gone by so fast! I got started after getting a push from friends. Tony got it started then Steve gave me a final push."

The mans jaw dropped and eyes widned, "Hold up, as in THE Tony Stark. THE Steve Rogers? Captain America and Ironman? Wow Aunt Belinda made it sound like they just were patrons. You actually know them?"

"Yes they are my friends..."

"How?!"

"I worked with them," and so the questions begin. Thank you Belinda for setting up this blind date. It was going to end the same as the others. Men were intimidated or put off by your past. You refused to lie and hide it though, why should you?

"Oh cool were you like an assistant or something?" His eyes lit up excited.

"Something more...hands on. I was one of the team."

His fork clattered to the table, "Holy hell, I'm on a blind date with a god damn Avenger?"

"EX team member! Not anymore, I only work with the charity now." You looked at him and saw how child like he seemed. It was almost like men in the real world were to....innocent. Something about them untouched and pure. Not like every single fucked up member of the avengers. You had been on a few dates now and all had been the same. A whole year since leaving for the charity now, yet normalcy still just out of your reach. 

"Sooo why this charity? Why not go save orphans in Africa, or rescue kittens?"

"It's something close to me you see, I was a victom of sex trafficking. I was held prisoner." You watched his face turn from the previous excitement to awkward avoidance of eye contact. He couldn't even look at you after that. As predicted. You were tainted used goods.

"Fuck really? I mean, I'm so sorry to hear that. It's great you can help others though right...." 

"Yeah helps give me insight others might not have."

"I mean you hear of it on like T.V but it doesn't seem real."

"It's very much real I assure you." He didn't respond straight away as his meal somehow became more important. He avoided eye contact and gave you a slight half smile any time he gazed up. Well, on plus side he hadn't done much for you in that way anyway. You didn't fuck up if you didn't like him in the first place. You were unsure just what exactly were your boxes that needed to be ticked but he just wasn't it. 

The rest of the meal went by in stunted bursts of conversation. You declined dessert and felt thankful when he did as well. Agreeing to split the bill you shook hands then went your separate ways. There was not a hint of spark or emotion has your hands touched. He stated he would call but you weren't holding your breath as you ducked into your taxi. You didn't even partially want him to call never mind expect him to. Pulling up outside your house you fumbled in your purse as you contemplated your love life, or lack off one. The dizzying heights you felt with Bucky and Steve could just not be repeated. You came to the conclusion such things had to happen naturally with ease, forcing them with set up blind dates just lead to dead ends. This was the last one and you would just let fate take it's course. You didn't let your mind stray to the ideas of 'what if' with Bucky or Steve. What if you reached out to them? What if ti would be different? Which one would you reach out to even? To messy and your brain was focused on your work now. With so much going on truth be told you didn't feel all that alone. You could be out of the house for hours arriving late and heading straight to bed. It would have to be someone VERY understand to take that on. Maybe you would get a cat instead? Two of them to keep each other company during long working days. Cat's would be less hassle than meeting and keeping a boyfriend. 

Reaching for the key and placing it in the lock your hand wouldn't turn to unlock. That was weird as you have never any issues with the lock before, you turned the handle finding it already unlocked. Perhaps you had forgotten to lock up when leaving? Possible but very unlike you. Something felt wrong as you opened the door very slowly trying to avoid creaking. It seemed no lights were on and you stopped to listen to noises. Nothing, silence. Slowly you steadied your breathing as you opened it further and slipped into the hall way. Carefully you slid off your shoes and cautiously crept down the hall. You stopped to assess the shadows of the darkness looking for danger. You tried to keep to the darker patches of shadow yourself to hopefully have an element of surprise.

As you reach the living room you hear a noise. It was an  exhale of breath. Who the fuck was that sat on your couch in the dark? Slowly you reached into your purse and pulled out a flip knife. Slowly, ever so slowly, you crept to the dark shadow. Closer and closer you got yet the darkness swallowed any identifying features. In a change of approach you swiftly but expertly placed the knife to their throat as your stood behind.

"Don't fucking move," you spoke as you stood behind them. "Who the fuck are you?"

In the blink of an eye, faster than your brain could comprehend, the figure pulled your hand away as they stood up and grabbed your arm forcing you to drop the knife. The mystery figure then somehow managed to flip you over causing you crash down on to the sofa. They loomed over you as they still held onto your arm. You smiled realizing who it was.

"I should of god damn recognized your dorito shoulder ass anywhere. If I bruise I WILL kick your ass!" You laughed at the shadow as he let go of you.

"Isn't it rude to cut the throat of a guest? A bit messy as well. Especially since I just woke up from a nap." He sat down by your feet on the couch.

"That's why I have a cleaner." Swinging your legs round you stood up and smoothed down your clothes. Walking to the light switch the room seemed so bright now in contrast to the previous darkness. Your eyes widened at the sight. Steve looked so....different.

"Alright, what is with the beard and hair?" Your eyes fell on his outfit as you walked back to the couch to sit next to him. He looked good, really good. There was something about him that you couldn't put your finger on. Something different changed, darker. Something told you this was more than a social call. He didn't respond to you. You hand not seen him in a while and you wondered what had happened in that time.

You frowned, "Okay Steve tell me what's going on. Is it Tony? Nat? Or....Bucky?"

"No and yes. It concerns everyone. Concerns this planet. Concerns everything."

"Should I be scared?"

"VERY."

"Well just tell me already, what the fuck has happened?"

"Wanda and Vision have been attacked. They want something. They want what Vision has. He want's it."

"Who's he?" You could see the real concern in Steve's eyes. This was big.

"Thanos. He is collecting what are called the infinity stones. Each one powerful, but if he wields all of them...he will be unstoppable."

"Let me get this sraight. H is coming for Vision, from where?"

"From space."

"And you have a plan?"

"That's why I am here. We need to protect Vison and the stone at all costs. I know of somewhere we may get help but they will be coming. We are leaving soon. This is a huge thing to come to you with....but we need help."

"You want me to go with you and do what?"

"Fight."

You took a deep breath, this had Steve visibly shaken so you could not help but feel cautious.

"What if I don't Steve? If I don't go with you?"

"Then stay here and die."

"If I do go with you?"

"Then die but know you have gone down fighting. I know you Y/N. Secretly, you love a good fight and this is the good fight. Why you have worked so hard with this charity for a better life for others. This is fighting for life itself for others. I can't say what will happen but I know you would like the chance to see this one through. I didn't feel it right to not give you the choice , I considered not telling you now you have this life. But I knew if you found out you would be angry that you sat back and did nothing. Plus you are hell of a fighter. I will be honored to fight one last fight by your side Y/N."

"Steve, if this is as big as you say I don't think I even have a choice in the matter. I can't let you wage war while I sat here debating to get a cat or not and if Whiskers is a stupid name," you smiled at Steve giving him your answer. "Let me go get changed into something a bit more appropriate."

That very same night you found yourself aboard a Quinjet thick with an atmosphere of anticipation. You looked around at the faces happy to be by their side but having spoken to them about the situation, it weighed heavily on you just what was happening. There was tension as Nat and Bruce exchanged awkward glances. Wanda tried not to draw to much attention to the fact she only had eyes for Vision. Sam and Rhodey exchanged casual jests when you laughed about your string of disappointing dates. Everybody tried to focus on something other than what was about to happen. Everyone but Steve. Steve remained focused and reposed the entire time. You slipped away from being the subject of teasing to stand by his side as you looked out the glass beside Steve.

"Steve, say something."

"What would you like me to say?"

"I don't know. Anything. You've been silent the entire time."

"I'm trying to not show I'm nervous. Is it working? I am scared y/n."

"Of what, death? I'm not. I was supposed to have died long ago."

"No not death y/n. I also cheated that a very long time ago. No, failure. What if, what if this time we loose? I loose you, my friends, everything."

 "We go down swinging. We don't get beaten into submission. Been there, done that, not again." You reached out and held his hand that hung loosely at his side. He tightened his grip in response.

"I never thought you would be giving me the pep talk. I like this side of you y/n." Steve brought your hand to his lips and gentle kissed it.  "If anything happens, I'm sorry, I'll try to protect you best I can."

You laughed, "Hey, I haven't seen you in months and you come to me looking like a hobo begging for help. Think I need your protection?"

"I know I know, just I have so much to say and it's to late to say it all now. This is it and I never got a chance to sit down and really talk to you. I n. I never stopped caring for you. You will always be someone close to me. I brought you into all this in the first place and now bringing you back to it now. When the dust settles at the end of this I will reach for your hand and pray I feel you hold it back."

"Don't let me be a distraction to you down there. We don't know what is about to happen. Don't go protecting me if it means putting yourself or anyone else at risk. I am not worth that Steve."

"But you are, don't you see it?"

You looked down at your feet not knowing how to respond.

"Y/n," he continued talking. "Something else you should know. When we get down there, there will be someone waiting. Someone not aware you are arriving with us."

"Who?" You looked puzzled.

"Bucky." As Steve mentioned his name your stomach flipped and your hands grew sweaty at the idea of facing him unexpectedly.  Very soon you were about to come face to face with him once again, were you prepared for this? Could you ever be?

* * *

 

Stepping off the Quinjet the sunlight and heat hit you all at once. You squinted as you watched the others step off the aircraft before you. You remained at the top of the ramp as each team member was greeted one by one. You had zero knowledge of Wakanda or it's people but admired the way they looked on first impressions alone. Regal yet fierce.

When your eyes scanned to the left your heart skipped a beat. Mostly Steve blocked for view as he embraced the figure but as he stepped back you were sure. There he was. Bucky. In that instant it was like time simultaneously melted away and slowed down. It was like you were back in the tower all that time again as the butterflies churned your stomach. Slowly his gaze moved over Steve's shoulder to you. Surprised and having to do a double take, his gaze snapped back to you. He hadn't imagined to see you here, now. A smile parted his lips slightly but it was his eyes that gave him away as they lit up. Steve smirked following his gaze, turning round to also look at you. Steve waved you over with his hand to signal you. You gulped and walked forward.

 "Who is that?" T'Challa questioned having not been introduced to you yet. He couldn't help but notice how striking you looked in head to toe black.

"A ghost," someone replied.

As you walked over Bucky couldn't take his eyes off of you. His mouth went dry, hands clammy. He realized he was nervous. You were the last person he expected to see here. Part of him felt angry you had come here to join this mess. He was not sure he could keep you safe. Truth be told he was happy though to lay eyes on you again. God you were more stunning than the last time he had seen you, he wouldn't have thought it possible. He tried to subtly wipe his hands on his trousers as he grew closer in case you shook hands.

You didn't know what to say but luckily Steve broke the ice, "Sorry I didn't tell you Y/N was comming. I will leave you to say hi."

"Surprise," you smirked at Bucky as you twirled a knife in your hand casually.

"My god what are you doing here? You want to be here, for this?"

"When Steve came to me and told me, how could I say no?"

"Your charity?"

"It will be fine for now. Good team running it."

"Hey," Steve interrupted. "Heading inside the lab,  make sure your comms on Y/N. Will update you when needed.

"Will do," you nodded. Great, you were alone with Bucky and you were sure it was a set up judging by the grin on Nat's face. Fine, if you were about to die they were making sure you didn't have unfinished business, you got it. Nobody wanted you to come back and haunt their ass.

"So um, do you want to take a walk?" Bucky nervously asked.

"Lead the way soldier," you looked at combat outfit. It suited him. Didn't have the subtle  fetish vibes of his winter soldier get up that had been incorporated into his Avengers outfit. He looked different but you couldn't put your finger on it. More at ease. Less dark brooding vibes. 

"So how have you been?" Bucky set a slow pace.

"Barnes, cut the small talk. Honestly I have no issue with it but time. We don't have much of it. Anything left to say, say it. Now is the time, the only time."

Bucky sighed and stopped walking.

"What Buck? If you don't want to you don't have to. We can sit on this bench and discuss how the weather in New York is compared to here if you really want."

"No," Bucky went and sat on the bench with sigh. "You are right. Just wasn't expecting this, at all."

"I'm sorry, Cap gave me the heads up. I had time on journey here to think. You didn't. I've gone in guns blazing." You turned to stand infront of the seated man. He looked up at you with those blue eyes. The intensity in his glare kickstarted a whirlwind in your heart. After all this time, he still had an effect on you.

"I like this....different you. More direct. No messing around." Slowly and hesitantly Bucky reached up and loosly held your hand. "It's nice to see you smile y/n. I've missed that smile, its been so long."

"This is the first time I've admitted it to myself, but I have missed you too. I've been so caught up in work I have intentionally not had to think." While still holding hands you sat next to him. You grasped his hand tighter giving it a squeeze. Reassuring him after he had reached out that this was okay. His hand felt so warm, so familiar. It was like it had always been this way. Like coming home.

"So you and Cap....?"

"Oh. No. Never Buck it didn't happen."

"Is it wrong I'm happy?"

You laughed, "No I get it."

You rested your head lightly on his shoulder and the both of you sat in silence for a moment soaking each other up. Everything felt the same yet different. All the love yet none of the bullshit. You looked up at him studying his features. Without realizing what you were doing you lifted your free hand and stroked your fingers over his jaw line. Bucky looked down at you and smiled. You swore your heart would burst there and then. How foolish you had been. 

"We should of fought harder for us Buck...."

"We are here now." He brought your finger tips to his lips and gently kissed them.

"It only took end of the world to bring me back to you. You know we are heading for a fight."

"Everything ends up with a war. I can't seem to escape it."

"But this could be it. THE war Buck."

"I know. I'm ready." Bucky wrapped his arms around you pulling you in close. Your head snuggled into his chest as he bent his head to kiss the top. The scene drawing curious glances from observers walking by. The country was not use to outsiders and here was an intimate scene unfolding.

"C,mon," Bucky suddenly stood up. "I have an idea of where we can go. We got time, I hope."

You stood up and followed his lead. You held hands as you walked in silence. He kept looking back at you as if he was checking you were really here. It wasn't a dream. You weren't about to disappear in a puff of spoke. It was a short walk until you reached a hut. Very different to the more modern buildings you had just seen. 

"Is this where you have been staying?" Buck nodded at you in reply as he stepped inside. You followed him and looked around you. It wasn't big, but then again Bucky didn't need much space. Buck sat on the bed an patted the seat next time him which you obliged.

As you took a seat next to him his hand came up to your face. Gently he cupped it as you let it rest in his grasp. You lightly licked your lips staring into his eyes. Slowly Bucky closed his eyes and brought his lips down to you, giving you time to react and say no. You didn't as you moved to meet him. Gently his lips pressed into yours. The simple closed mouth kiss set fire to your heart with want and need. Faster and faster you kissed. Your hands tangled in his hair, chest heaving. You let out a small squeak into his mouth as he moved you onto his lap causing you to straddle him.

As Bucky kissed your neck you rocked your hips creating a friction that felt oh so good. One of his hands went to the small of your back. With a firm grasp he helped guide you in rocking. Over and over gaining momentum. Your chest heaved heavier and heavier, you bit your lip hard stifling a moan. How did this happen? Not what you had planned but his lips on your flesh, the feeling of his breath escaping heavy and ragged matching your own. Your hand moved to the zip of your jacket. Slowly you zipped it just low enough to reveal the top of your cleavage. Bucky kissed down to the new exposed skin. It tickled and teased you. Your mind kept thinking "what if...". What if you just ripped it off? What if you palmed his cock through his trousers right now? What if you asked him to take you there and then?

"Y/N...." Bucky moaned as his hands went to your chest, lightly cupping your breasts. He looked from your chest into your eyes with such need. You didn't know if him saying your name was a question, him asking for permission, begging or all of the above.

"Take it off Buck."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Just do it Buck."

Without hesitation after seeking permission he practically ripped your jacket followed by your vest off of you revealing a black lace bra. Bucky stood up causing you to wrap your legs around his waist to stop from falling. Bucky kissed you deeply and passionately in the air as your arms held on to his neck tight. The fire in your belly burned as each kiss stoked the flames.

"Fuck, Y/N. Just....fuck. I don't know what to say. Are you okay with this?"

You nodded in response then pushed your pelvis into his groin eliciting a groan. Bucky was so hard it almost hurt. His cock was raging from the hot make out session. He was struggling to hold back, the things he wanted to do to you right here right now. Bucky had to remind himself this wasn't a dream. You were really here panting with desire in his arms your pupils wide. Bucky laid you down onto the bed then took up position between your legs. He lifted your legs open grinding into you as he began to cover you with kisses. You could feel the wetness growing in your panties. It was getting to much.

"Bucky," you couldn't take it anymore. "I want you. I need you."

"Fucking hell babydoll. I want you so bad. You have no idea. If you are sure. Please don't feel you have to."

In response your hand moved to his trousers as a cheeky grin spread across your face. Taking the hint he swiftly removed his trousers and boxers followed by his jacket. You admired his new arm running your hand over the metal. You fumbled with the zip and button of your own trousers, Bucky coming to your aid. Slowly, ever so slowly and teasingly, he pulled them down revealing your legs. His eyes fell to your black panties. He swore he could smell how wet you were. He helped take off your boots and trousers completely.

Leaving you in just your bra and panties, laid out beneath him, he visually drank you up. Committing the moment to memory. He could die a happy man with this etched into his memory. To his dying moment he would cherish the sight. You were his everything, you always had been and always would be despite everything. His fingers tips stroked over your face, down your neck, skimming your breasts and finish with a swirl round your belly button. Goosebumps broke out in the wake of his touch. Bucky bent his head down kissing your chest. Moving your bra straps down to reveal more. Small and slow kisses. You could feel your nipples erect and begging for attention having him so close. You push up on your elbows allowing Buck to undo your bra clasp at the back. Slowly he slid it off of your arms leaving your chest bare.

"Y/N. I'm going to take good care of you, my god I could worship you all fucking day. I would kiss you top to bottom. I would have you screaming my name and begging for more." He spoke with the hot air of his breath tantalizing your breasts.

"Then fucking do it Bucky, I'm yours. Take me here and now, stop teasing."

Without hesitation his mouth devoured your breasts taking you nipples into his mouth. Swirling his tongue around them, gently nipping them. His hand moved lower to your panties. His finger dipping below the wasitline causing you to buck your hips and moan. His finger slid between your folds feeling the slick saturated mess, it was so hot knowing he has done this to you.

"You are so fucking wet doll, oh baby you are so dripping," his finger slide deep inside your pussy causing you to arch your back and fresh moans escape your lips."And so fucking tight, oh jesus. This pussy is perfect, you are perfect."

"wet for you James, only for you."

His finger slid in and out slowly gaining momentum as he grew in confidence that you were wanting this as badly as he did. You gasped as he slid in a second and began to rub your clit with this thumb. The sounds leaving your mouth were nothing short of x rated, especially as he curled his finger tips with each thrust in and and reaching new depths and angles within your throbbing eager sex. The heat was rising in your core, you could feel it growing with strength.

"Oh Buck...James, shit, fuck...." it was becoming intense. Bucky held your stomach with his hand to try and keep you somewhat still as you wriggled and moaned. You hands ran all over your breasts, over your neck, entering your mouth. Your whole body hyper aware as he continued the assault on you with no sign of stopping. He was pushing your further and further to the brink and he smiled watching the sight. 

"It's okay, I got you, relax, let yourself go baby and enjoy it. If you feel like you are going to go a head, cum for me, I want you you to cum on my fingers." As if on cue he felt yours walls contract hard around his fingers and a fresh gush of wetness coat his hand from inside you. He kept going letting you ride out the high as your body lifted up. You felt like you were about to rise up to heaven then forced to come down. You opened your eyes not aware you had even scrunched them shut. You blinked as the light entered your vision and the rush of hormones relaxed you.

Bucky had a smug grin on his face, obviously pleased with himself. His hand stroked his cock slowly as it begged and twitched for attention. Precum dripped from the tip, he licked his lips seeing your legs apart and your pussy dripping infront of him.

"Bucky," you laughed. "Oh god that was good. So, so good."

He kissed you passionately his tongue diving deep into your mouth to wrap around yours. You moaned as he pushed you flat on your back again his weight on top of you. You could feel his large, hard cock twitch against your cunt. Unintentionally you opened your legs wider, subconsciously seeking more. His cock hit against your entrance seeking a way in.

"Are you okay with this Y/n? We can stop?" Bucky stared into your eyes lovingly showing you as much respect for your needs as he could considering you thought he was going to blow his load there and then. You nodded and bit your lip in response, nervous but eager. He took his cock in his hand and lined it up, slowly he slid it in which proved difficult considering how wet you were and needed extreme will power. Slowly, slowly, he slid in until he was buried as deep as he could go. You walls fluttered around him causing him to groan.

"oh Buck, you're filling me. My god it feels so big in me."

"It's because you are so fucking tight doll. So perfect laying there taking me in.  You feel so good you have no idea. So wet. So amazing. Y/N. You ARE amazing. Do you know that?"

You blushed in response to his praise but soaked up the compliments. It felt so nice knowing you were wanted. You weren't a thing to be used and tossed a side. Bucky treated you like a goddess, something be marveled at.  Slowly he slid in and out of you taking it slow, painfully slow. He was trying to be gentle, you knew that and loved him even more for it despite it being such a tease.

Bucky gained in confidence pounding into you harder and harder. He reveled in each and every sound that escaped your lips. His finger moved to your mouth slowly entering. It still tasted like you but you greedily sucked at it. His metal hand grasped your hips and his cock drove into you. His grip harder on you as his own passions rose. Bucky knew you would have some bruises to kiss better there later.

Without warning Bucky sat up right on his knees, using a hand on each ass cheek he lifted your pelvis up. Without hesitation he entered you and pounded into you as you screamed out from the new and deep angle, His cock hitting you in all the right places causing you to see stars as your eyes rolled back. He held you up at this angle with ease as he hammered you. Your fingernails raked across your own body.

"Oh jesus, jesus, Buck Oh fuck..Christ...." you screamed out in nothing but intense extasy.

"The mouth on you babe, I love hearing it. So fucking perfect. Scream for me. Scream for me Y/n!"

"OH BUCKYYYYY!" You let out one final scream of his name as you came hard all over his cock, covering him in a wet mess. He fucked you harder through it. He tilted his head back and groaned as he couldn't hold back any longer, the sights and sounds pushing him over his own edge. Deep he paused in you releasing his hot seed.

Kneeling above you as you twitch and panted he laughed wiping the sweat from his forehead. Once you had both caught your breath he laid down beside you on the bed. You both laid in silence recovering.

"So that was, um not expected." Bucky spoke up.

"But not regretted?"

His hand moved to tilt your face to his and he gently pressed his lips to yours, "Never regretted. I never could regret a single thing about you Y/N. I love you."

"I love you to James. With all my heart I love you."

You reached for his metal hand and interlaced your fingers. You brought his hand to your chest holding it close. 

"I swear Y/N, if you will have me, I won't let go of this hand again. No matter what."

"Fresh start?"

"Fresh start." 

A voice in your ear interrupted the tender moment. You were lucky you and Bucky had the time you had. You both scrambled to get dressed not even caring if your presences had been missed. You had both found each other again in your last moment of calm before the storm.

* * *

 

Bucky clicked gun, the sound filling the nervous silence. You turned to him as he turned to you with a mutual nod. You were where you belonged. Dispite the hoard of battle ready warriors behind you, you were next to him, by his side. No matter where you would end up in this moment you were exactly where you were supposed to be. You would live by his side you would die by his side. As if your entire life had been leading you to this one moment. This one fight. You hoped as the dust settled on the battle field you would find each other again. Either in this life or the next for all of eternity. You would love James Buchanan Barnes until the very end. Until the final beat of your heart. Until the last gasp lest your chest. You were his and he was yours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for any typos, this chapter was quite a mountain to write. I hope you enjoyed it! This has been quite a trip.  
> What do we think, did reader turn to dust with Bucky? Or maybe this version they lived happily every after? Either way I know they will be together at last.


	68. Clavicle Part 68 - (happy Steve ending)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I've waited a hundred years  
> But I'd wait a million more for you  
> Nothing prepared me for  
> What the privilege of being yours would do  
> If I had only felt the warmth within your touch  
> If I had only seen how you smile when you blush  
> Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough  
> Well I would have known  
> What I was living for all along  
> What I've been living for  
> Your love is my turning page  
> Where only the sweetest words remain  
> Every kiss is a cursive line  
> Every touch is a redefining phrase  
> I surrender who I've been for who you are  
> For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart  
> If I had only felt how it feels to be yours  
> Well I would have known  
> What I've been living for all along  
> What I've been living for  
> Though we're tethered to the story we must tell  
> When I saw you, well I knew we'd tell it well  
> With a whisper we will tame the vicious seas  
> Like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees"
> 
> Sleeping at last - turning pages

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh this is long but hope you enjoy!

You picked up the white envelope as you sat at your desk inside your office. Ripping it open you pulled out a letter with official heading, it was important looking. Your frown turned into a smile as you read the news. The charity you had poured all your efforts into had been approved for a new branch based in Wakanda with full support and aid from the country. They had buildings and employees at a moments notice. That meant two branches in America, one in Mexico and now one in Africa. The small charity was soon turning into a world wide organisation, you had hopes of more branches working across Africa then possibly looking into extending to Europe. Russia perhaps, with your own personal experiences and Snow's history making it hit even closer to home. This was more than you had ever hoped and dreamed. Pushing the chair back you stood up and headed to the main office area sticking your head out the door.

"Hey! Guys! Wakanda is a go! They are going to help us!" You shouted ectasticly and was met with smiles and shouts is response from the team of ten that were currently in the office.

A women dressed in a green maxi dress and huge hoop earrings spoke up from the back, "You know what that means? Work night out! Let's celebrate!"

"Do we have to Michelle," you groaned. The sea of faces said yes.

"Yes! I'll even be seen with you wearing that!" The green dress Michelle replied.

"What's wrong with this?" You stepped out into the main office area and looked down. Skinny black jeans, grey tank top and lace up military boots. Your usual attire.

"Girl, you look like you are in a biker gang. Or a hot topic mall goth grown up."

"Is that a bad thing?" You laughed thinking back to your high school mall days, what you remembered of them anyway.

"If you want a boyfriend, yes."

"Michelle, did you not see who she's bagged? Captain America himself! Also heard rumors of a certain darker mysterious best friend of Steve Rogers. She doesn't need help she has got two super hunks." A petite blonde named Stacey spoke up.

"I never bagged Captain America guys, let's drop it. He's been busy, incase you haven't noticed he hardly comes over to the office anymore." You tried to squash the rumors. 

"Hmm the way he looks at you when he is here though, you have bagged him even if you don't even know it," Michelle laughed.

"But you aren't denying his friend? I saw photos of him at the museum, handsome guy. Wonder who's better in the sack, maybe Y/N can tell us?"

"Stacey! If you all want jobs quit gossiping. I have not slept with Captain America....maybe the other guy though...not saying yes, not saying no." You shut your office door smiling as you heard their laughs through the wooden door. Truth be told you enjoyed the casual atmosphere of the office. Such conversations would of once been to much to handle but you had come so far now. You could discuss intimate topics, discuss your past now without risk of exploding on someone. Zero incidents of punching someone since being here. Well, only those that deserved it perhaps.

* * *

 The loud music pumped through your body, you could feel the deep vibrations through out. You swore your ear drums would be permanently damaged but a few drinks in your system you didn't stop to think about it. The dance floor and bar area were both packed with hot sweaty bodies. You fanned yourself as you moved through the crowd heading to the bar. The work celebration drinks had gone on for longer than expected as it neared midnight, maybe because of the fact you agreed to pay for the entire night. Truth be told the charity paid a small wage but the house was covered by the charity. With limited bills, one mouth to feed and zero outgoings in your personal life you could afford it. They deserved it for all their hard work hearing grueling stories. The job could leave you mentally drained. The charity made sure there was help to mentally support the staff as well as the victims. As you waited to be served at the bar a man barged your elbow, knocking it off the bar surface.

"Sorry! I didn't mean to! You alright?" A guy dressed in black trousers and a white shirt turned to you. He was good looking with blonde hair and deep brown eyes. His teeth white and skin tanned, he took good care of himself and by his image you could tell instantly. Your eyes fell to the flashy watch and expensive shoes. Yep, flashy alright and very not much your type. You could feel his eyes scan you up and down.

"That's okay! No harm done!" You flashed a smile then turned away trying not to be rude while shutting my down.

"Hey!" He grabbed your elbow. "What you drinking?"

You pulled your arm away as he raised a red flag in your mind, "Water, thanks I'll get it myself though don't worry."

You didn't like the way he looked at you not taking the rejection well. This was a man who was use to women falling at his feet but he seemed to go and try his luck elsewhere. Every so often he would glance at you though. You would make sure to keep an eye on him the rest of the night that was for sure. You headed back your group who were dancing and laughing and soon forgot the man at the bar.

The heat of the club and the drinks were beginning to tire you. You informed your group then pushed through the crowd to the exit. The rush of cold air hit you provinding instant relief. Would they be mad if you went home now? Bed seemed more and more appealing to your heavy limbs. You lent back against the bricks with your eyes shut taking deep breaths. A tap on the shoulder made you snap your eyes open wide. The guy from the bar.

"Hey, beautiful, not about to pass out are you?" You flashed that white smile at you.

"Just a bit hot is all, so many people in there. Needed a breather. I am fine thanks." You fanned yourself with your hand for emphasis.

"Hm well, be a shame to leave you here all alone."

"My friends are waiting for me inside, I'll go back in in a minute. Told them I wouldn't be long. They'll come looking if I am gone to long."

He stepped forward and licked his lips. He pressed a hand to the wall inches from your heads and lent in. The mother fucker was trying to intimidate you. He lowered his voice as he spoke, "What if you went in and told them you weren't coming back? We could head somewhere, anywhere."

You burst out laughing in his face which caused his face to scrunch in a frown. He moved his other hand to the other side of your head completely looming over you as you were backed against the wall. "What the fuck do you think you are laughing at bitch?"

"You!"  You snorted in laughter in response. "You don't even know my name. But then again I doubt you care. What is it, pretty girl says no so you throw your weight around?"

"Look, even with cock teases like you, I get what I want. I always do."

"Do you now? What makes you think I would tease your cock? It looks like it would be a bit....small. Bet that watch is fake as well." You couldn't resist smirking at him in disgust.

Quickly he grabbed hold of your hair and pulled your head to the side as he sunk his teeth into your neck. He left a layer of slime as he licked, bit and sucked before you gave him a hard shove off.

"FUCKING GROSS! You WILL regret that." Stepping foreword you rapidly grabbed him by the shirt and swung him round. The air went out of his body as you slammed him against the brick wall. Your knee came up to his groin, hard, having him slump to the floor clutching himself between the legs. While he was hunched over you bent down, pulled him up to face level just to see his face as you punch him hard. Blood splattered from his nose across his white shirt. Dropping him to the ground you spat on him as you went to walk off. Smug with yourself about teaching him a lesson until you turned around and saw further down the street flashing blue lights.

"HANDS IN THE AIR! GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND KEEP THOSE HANDS WHERE i CAN SEE THEM." A man stood in front of the vehicle with gun raised at you while his colleague inched closer to you with handcuffs at the ready. Typical, they couldn't have arrived a little bit earlier to see him slobbering all over your neck. 

 

* * *

 

The police officer came to the interrogation room you were waiting in looking exhausted. His face said it was to late for bullshit as he sighed before addressing you with paper work in his hand.

 "Miss Y/L/N? Mighty fine prank you are pulling on us. You sure you want us to contact them as your emergency contact? Don't be playing games with me here."

"I'm not playing any kind of games. You call him and tell him to come get me."

"Don''t come to me bitching and moaning when THE Tony Stark doesn't even pick up the phone. I bet this isn't his real cell number anyway. God damn Ironman my ass. We are letting you go because those nice set of bite marks on your neck back you up. You know that douche bag wants to press charges?"

"Let him. I have lawyers who work for me who specialize in matters such as sexual assault. Then factor in legal aid supplied by Stark. You can only imagine the legal team he must have at his disposal. Let him come for me and we will wipe the floor with the sack of shit."

"We will see, we will see, now let's go see if this number works then shall we..." he shut the door leaving you alone once more cuffed to the table.

It felt like an eternity sat there waiting around. You must of been here for hours by now. You couldn't believe one arrogant douche bag could cause you so much trouble. HE attacked you first. Sound coming from the door startled you awake. The officer from before came in lookishing sheepish. Without a word he unlocked your hand cuffs.

"Follow me miss, I'll be damned, I don't know who you are but you sure do have some connections, I can't believe he is here, come to pick you up." He set a fast pace which you eagerly followed to the front reception of the building. Part of you wanted to shout "haha told you so" but you resisted the urge.

The officer opened a heavy door that required a code and gestured for you to step through a head, "Your chariot awaits miss."

You stopped dead in your tracks. It wasn't Tony who's back was turned to you. You would know that dorito anywhere.

"Steve?" You gasped surpised. "What are you doing here? I got them to call Tony."

"Tony is a bit busy, he's in trouble with Pepper, again. Didn't dare at this time of night get you so he called me. Lucky for you I was already awake."

Steve turned to the officer behind you, "don't worry Sir, she won't be causing any more trouble today."

The officer looked gobsmacked as he handed you your belongings.

Steve had manged to park right outside which was convenient as the exhaustion started to hit you. In silence you drove to your house with your forehead enjoying the cool window. Your eyes grew heavier and heavier. Time seemed distorted as you suddenly arrived home, you must of dozed off.

"Hey sleeping beauty," you jumped realizing Steve had opened the car door for you. "Rise and shine."

You rifled through your bag finding the key and clumsily unlocking it, Steve followed you into the silent house. You headed up the stairs with only one thing in mind, bed. 

"I'll bring you up some water!" Steve called up after you.

You took your shoes off but remained fully dressed as you crawled into bed. You sank into the comfortable mattress enjoying the soft, cool sheets. Steve placed a glass of water on the bedside table and took a seat on the bed. He stared down at you with concern in his eyes.

"Tomorrow, well it already is tomorrow, we will talk about this though Y/N. You can't do that. I know he was a sleaze but you are stronger than you think." Steve placed a hand on your shoulder.

"I'll be a good girl I promise Mr Captain Sir." You sarcastically stuck your bottom lip out in a fake sulk. Steve went to stand up but you grabbed his hand before he could. You held your breath as you waited for a response to what you were about to say. "Steve thank you, for tonight. Come, join me you can't drive tired."

Steve sighed knowing he had been down this road before with you. Intimately straddling the blurred lines between friendship or more. He felt your warm grasp on his hand and looked into your sleepy, seductive eyes. He couldn't say no to you. You let go of his hand so he could take his shoes off and climb on top of the bed next you. You moved up to give him space.

"Your dorito shoulders better not take up the whole bed," you whispered in the dark as he turned off the bed side light.

"Hey you never use to have a problem with them, what's with this hate all of a sudden?"

You grabbed his hand in the dark bringing his knuckles to your lips, you gently kissed them sleepily. "I love your dorito shoulders really."

That was it. Steve knew he was a goner there and then as you feel asleep still grasping his hand. He could feel his hand rise and fall as you held it close to your chest. Bucky flashed across his brain. He had not seen or heard from the man in so long and neither had you. There was still a slight pang of guilt but Steve squashed it down as he soon fell asleep himself.

You woke in the morning to find the bed next to you empty. Slowly and with a hand clutching your pounding head you made your way to the hall way. You could hear him in the kitchen below. Some old 40's music playing while the smell of coffee and eggs wafted up to you. Realizing you were still in your clothes you headed for the shower. After you came down the stairs and into the kitchen in nothing but a dressing gown. Steve's back was turned to you as you put a hand on his shoulder. He spun around smiling at you only for you to knock the orange juice he had in his hand down his grey t-shirt.

"Shit! I'm so sorry Steve!" You grabbed a tea towel dabbing at the mess.

"It's okay Y/n, it's fine it will dry." He politely pushed your hands away then took the t-shirt clean off revealing his muscular body. You bit your lip standing so close. You felt the flush rise to your cheeks. You swore your whole body was flushed pink in fact. Images rushed into your head of him ripping open your dressing gown and picking you up and placing you on top of the kitchen work surface. Fuck, you blushed more feeling how naked you were under your dressing gown. 

 "I went to the shop," Steve continued. "So there's more orange juice. I bought, bacon, eggs, bread and milk. You were pretty much out of food y/n. What were you planning on eating today?"

You nearly replied with "you!" and bit your lip trying not to laugh. Thank god you caught that before it tumbled out of your mouth. "Okaayyy I get it DAD!"

"Y/N," Steve grabbed your waist as you tried to dodge past him avoiding his question. Your name came out more of a breathy whisper from his lips.

His hand on your robe had pushed it down off of your shoulder exposing the skin. He pulled you into an embrace. You were rigid at first surprised, then melted into his arms as your own wrapped around his waist. He bent his head down and gently kissed you on your bare shoulder. He breathed in the smell of your damp skin and shampooed hair. He felt you let out deep breath at his kiss. He kissed you again next to the previous spot feeling you go melt more into his arms. He kissed again and again moving from your shoulder up to your neck. You tilted your head to the side to allow him access. You felt the dressing gown tie come undone from around your waist but you did nothing as you allowed the moment to unfold. It hung dangerously close to falling off your shoulder and opening wide.

"Steve," you sighed when he stopped the tender butterfly kisses.

"Do you want me to stop y/n?"

"No," was all you could get out before his lips were on your own. His soft lips gently pressed to yours slowly gaining confidence deepening the kiss. You opened your mouth letting his tongue enter your mouth. Delicately it probed at first before it locked with yours the passion rising. You pulled away breathless and eyes blow wide with lust.

"I'm sorry Y/n...I shouldn't of..."

"Steve," You interrupted him with a coy smile "Bedroom, now."

You grasped his hand and led him up the stairs. You could feel your heart racing as was his. Steve couldn't believe it. He had no expectations of what was about to happen, letting you control the shots. He knew what happened when you tried with Bucky....no, you were in charge. He would go your pace. When you reached your bedroom you turned around to look at Steve in the doorway. You looked at him directly in the eyes as you let your robe fall to the floor, leaving you naked only bathed by the rays of light filtering in from the curtains, illuminating you softly. Steve took a moment just taking in the glorious sight. You were stunning. His heart pounded in his chest, palms clammy. He was excited, but nervous.

"Y/n, my god, I...you...sure?"

You nodded in reply and walked backwards until your calves hit the bed. Slowly you sat down then laid back on the bed. Your hair fanned out around your head, your chest heaving. Slowly you spread your legs and gazed into this eyes inviting him. Without hesitation he rushed over taking up the space between your legs. His lips crashed hungrily into yours. 

You opened your legs wide as your hand reached down to his jean fastenings. Steve stood up and removed his jeans and boxers. He stood before you naked revealing his huge manhood as it stood to attention. You whimpered at the sight as your hand went down to touch your slowly burning pussy. Steve watched as you inserted a finger into your slick sex and your chest hitched as you let out a little whimper and bit your lip.

"Y/N. Oh, Y/n. You are killing me here." 

"Then what are you waiting for Steve?"

Steve slowly bent down on his knees at the edge of the bed. He grabbed your pelvis and pulled you down to the edge of the bed.  You felt his breath hot against your aching pussy as he kissed your inner thigh. He could feel the heat radiating from you. While still kissing and nipping at your delicate, soft flesh, he gently probbed at your entrance with a finger. To his surprise it easily slid in. Slowly he pushed it in and out gaining speed as he listened to your moans of response. You were whimpering his name and he had barely begun. Steve inserted a second finger then curved them as he went in and out stroking your g-spot. You cried out in surprise and enjoyment having never felt anything quite like it before. Steve could feel you getting wetter as a puddle dripped down forming on the sheets below. 

Removing his fingers he replaced it with his tongue. Slowly he lapped up and down your folds then parted them with his tongue. He darted his tongue deep into you setting a fast pace you as you jolted your hips up and down trying to ride his tongue.

"Ohhh fuckkkk," you called out as your hands entwined in his hair. You grabbed it as you felt the pleasure rising. Steve move a thumb from your thigh to your clit and rubbed in small circles. You moaned loadly in response causing Steve to smile as he licked you.

"Steve, oh Steve, my god," your body quivered as you moaned his name. "I think, I think I'm going to..."

"Cum for my baby. I'm here. Let yourself go."

Your hips bucked up as you strangled out a moan cumming hard on his tongue. A gush of wetness hit him causing his cock to twitch. He kept lapping your delicious juices as the cries and shudders died down. When you were done Steve stopped and looked at you with a huge grin.  He gave your thigh a gentle kiss as he watched you breathless  but recovering. 

 "Not what I was expecting when I woke up this morning Steve."

"Good though?"

"Good," you nodded gazing into his eyes. You felt this new connection between the two of you. A deeper, more personal one. Steve stood himself up then laid between your legs as you pushed yourself up the bed.

"Steve. Make love to me." You put your hand to his face swiping your thumb across his bottom lip.

"Any time you want me to stop just tell me y/n."

"I promise, now fuck me Captain."

"What the lady wants...." Steve lined his cock up pressing the tip into your soaking vagina, he slid himself in as you moaned taking him. "The lady gets."

A quick snap of his hips had you scream out so sensitive post orgasm. Steve smiled doing it again and again. With each thrust he snapped his hips at the end drilling deeper into you hiting all sorts of wonder spots. 

"Oh shit, oh fuck!" your hands grabbed your bouncing breasts as he shoved you up the bed each time. The head board banged against the wall loudly.

"The mouth on you y/n...."

"Then kiss me an shut me Steve." He obliged lowering his mass ontop of you kissing you deeply. You were pinned under him taking his large cock in the most amazing way. His body grazed your nipples teasingly. He changed to rolling his hips. It was shallower but faster as he rubbed against your clit each roll. You cried out into his mouth. 

Before you knew what was happening your walls suddenly clenched tight around him and you screamed out cumming a second time. He kept thrusting through the fluttering of your pussy until felt he was going to burst himself. Buried deep to the hilt within you he unloaded his cum. He remained in you as both your juices mingled. 

You looked up at him smiling. He rolled off you breathing deep. You both laid their hot, sweaty and satisfied for a few moments. You rolled on to your side and stroked your finger tips across his chest. Steve kissed the top of your head and let out a content sight.

"Steve, I think I'm going to need another shower now if you want to join me."

"How can I say no to that beautiful. You are amazing. I mean that."

With that you both left the bed to clean up, but from that moment on Steve never left your house or your heart.

* * *

Monday morning you rolled up at the office ready to face questions about where you went Friday night and why you never dropped in Saturday. Sunday had then gone by in a hazy blur between the sheets with a certain supersoldier. All the women in the office looked at each other smiling and nudging one another. What was going on?

"Steve!" You exclaimed as you reached your office. "What are you doing here?"

"I got you these," he said handing you a bunch of stunning red roses. You walked into your office admiring them.

"What are these for then?" You smiled with eyebrow raised.

"I heard from a friend about Wakanda."

"A friend?

"The king."

"Wait, what?"

"I put in a good word that's all."

You placed the flowers on your desk then turned around. His eyes locked onto yours and before you know it his lips were pressed to yours, hungry and needy. The door swung open and you heard a quiet "oh lord."

Breaking the kiss you looked over Steve's shoulder to see Michelle looking gobsmacked. You could make out laughter and cheers from the office. Michelle closed the door and Steve returned to kissing you. His hands smoothed down your hips and rest on your ass pulling you in closer. 

"I'll see you at home tonight then," you spoke into the kiss

"Home?"

"If you want it to be, I mean you haven't left entire weekend and I've claimed some of your clothing as my own already."

"Oh really now?" Steve cocked his eyebrow."I would love for it to be home. I love you Y/N."

"I love you as well my dorito."

* * *

 One year later

The porch swing creaked as you gently swung feeling the cool evening breeze. You sighed contentently as your Labrador shifted next to you resting his head on your lap. You scratched behind his ear smiling. You looked at your ring as it glinted in the dim lighting. Your engagement ring had been tied around the puppies collar when Steve had surprised you one day. Boy had You teased him for that cute idea. You and Steve had been trying, unsuccessfully so far, for a child and this was to minimise his guilt. He didn't admit it but he felt bad that it had yet to happen, especially after what had happened with Bucky....

Lost in thought you were startled slightly by Steve coming out on to the porch. He sat down next you with a heavy look on his face.

"What's up?" you leant your head against his solid shoulder.

"Nat just called."

"Oh?"

"Mission."

"Oh."

"Will be a couple days tops, hopefully. Not mad?"

"It's the weekend. Can't bad guys take them off?" you smiled at him to let him know you weren't mad.

"Thank you for understanding y/n. I love you."

"Probably helps that ya know, I use to BE one of you. I get it Steve."

Steve rested a hand on your thigh, "I'll make it up to you next weekend. I promise."

"You better!"

"All I can think is all the the weekends we wasted. I promise I won't waste anymore."

"What do you mean?" you turned to him and asked.

"I didnt admit how I felt for so long. If only...if only I'd of felt the warmth within your touch sooner."

"Worth the wait though?"

"I waited 100 years for you y/n, I would wait a million more. I just could of shaved a couple off though that's all. For so long I didnt know what I was living for, which is you. Back at the tower I use to hope I'd run into you about my day, any excuse to see you."

"And now you have me, I'm all yours Stevie." You beamed at him.

"When I very first saw you, there was something abour you. The way you smile when you blush, the way you curl your lip when concentrating."

"Hey, I don't do that."

Steve leant to whisper in your ear, "your blushing right now, there's that smile baby."

"Your love has been a new page I've turned in the book of my life y/n, I hope we can write many more and fill the pages," he continued.

You leant in and pressed your lips against his in a chaste kiss. "We will tell our story well Steve. Don't worry."

"It pains me but I have to go. If anything happens, you need anything at all, call the base. Love you." Steve stood up and reluctantly walked to his car.

"Love you to cheesey dorito!" you called out to him. He turned to look at you as if to say,"really?" 

Watching him go was always hard and you spent your time working in an attempt to distract yourself. Life was pretty good right now but your husband to be being Captain American? Always a chance shit could hit the fan but it was a risk you would take for Steve Rogers.

So caught up in thoughts of Steve leaving you failed to notice the figure in the the parked car down the road. Bucky Barnes sat watching. More often than he cared to admit he sat watching. He knew Steve was away on a mission by the look on your face. He watched you on the porch swing as you smiled and cuddled the puppy. You looked happy. He watched over you as you went back inside the house. One by one the lights went out. He stayed watching until the light rose knowing Steve isnt there. Bucky Barnes always kept his secret watch on you when Steve was away and you would never know. Bucky loved you with all his heart but could not give you everything Steve could. It pained him but he wanted what was best for you. And what was best for you was your happy ending with Steve Rogers.

 


End file.
